Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

@LaDrem. I guess you’re right, he has changed, and the man I love isn’t there anymore.
The house is going up for sale today, which is making me emotional

@Mylifestartstoday I just wanted to offer my support and commiserations as I've been reading this thread from the beginning since earlier this morning.

I know it might not seem that way, but to be faced with this awful situation and to keep yourself going throughout, really shows how strong you are with what you have coped with.

just take a moment for yourself. Nothing about his behaviour before or after discovery has been honourable. Keep on keeping on as they say in these parts. I am glad you are being proactive in securing your futures. Giving you an un-Mumsnetty hug re the house going on the market x

I’m feeling a bit better today.
I had a breakdown on Sunday when he was here dropping my daughter off from work. He started filming me (having a breakdown) to use against me (his words). He said I’m a twisted woman, and got the girls outside to witness him verbally abusing me saying “look at that, and you wonder why I left. This is why I left, just look at your mother”. Then he tried to get them to pack a bag and he wanted to take them back to his dads because “I’m mental”. Purposely in front of his own children, I just can’t believe he’s now an abusive wanker.

I’ve been to the doctors and told them what he did, they say his solicitor won’t get any info from them about my health. I’ve contacted my solicitor but waiting to hear back and I’ve phoned the police who advise me to ring 999 if he does anything like that again.
How someone can change so much baffles me, but he has, and I need to get him out of my life.
My youngest doesn’t want me to ban him from the house because that’s the only time she sees him, I’ve tried to explain why I can’t have him here, and that her dad needs to contact her direct, but I get the feeling she resents me from stopping what little contact she had with him. He makes no effort to engage with her on the phone, it’s still the same copy and pasted good night love you message. As hard as it is, I don’t think he wants to see either of them for long at the minute, he’s so wrapped up in his own mental health issues. So, do I relent and allow him to come because that would please her short term, or do I stick to my guns and stop him coming to protect me (all of us)?

Can he not take dc out somewhere to see them ? Is it not illegal to film someone without their consent? I wouldn’t allow him in the house if he is going to behave like that in front of dc who are already going through so much. I would explain to dc they are more than welcome to see him anytime outside the house and are old enough to arrange contact with him themselves. His behaviour to you is abusive and damaging for you dc to see

I’ve asked her to contact him direct, but she’s afraid of rejection. He’s not once asked her to meet him, he’s been gone 7 weeks now. They both get a good night message from him, the same message every night, like he just copies and pastes. Sometimes he misses a message because his mind is elsewhere(OW) and they feel let down and hurt.
It’s like he doesn’t know what to do anymore, how to be a good dad.
I’ve been trying to let him know how they feel, but he doesn’t act on it, so I don’t feel I can continue doing so. He’s slowly breaking me, and I need to step back and let him get on with it.
It’s not my responsibility to try and get him to act like a good dad, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do.

He asked what we were planning after gcse results, and I said we were going out for a meal. He asked if he could come if she got good results. So, if she fails, he doesn’t want to deal with that, just the good bits.

I know it's difficult, but try to keep your emotions in check around this sorry excuse of a man, OP. Be flat.

I think if your daughter is asking you to contact her father, you should try for her. Don't text him, email him.

Can you go to your bedroom when he's in the house? Lock the door and read a book until he's gone. Just be somewhere, where he can't follow.

She’s not asking me to contact him, it’s just if I don’t let him come to the house she won’t see him, so I’m cutting off her only chance of contact, because he’s an arse and is unable to contact her himself.
I need to keep the house as somewhere safe, safe for all of us, and he makes us feel on edge when he’s here because he can blow any second. He admits himself he doesn’t know why or how, he just goes from calm to angry in seconds with no provocation.
He needs help, but he won’t get any. I asked his dad to get him help when he first left but his dad insists there’s nothing like THAT in his family. I presume he means everyone has superb mental health in his family. Knob head.
I just can’t see him, it makes me want to beg him to come home

OK, I understand your feelings. But this may blow back on you vis a vis your daughter. So, allowing him to be in the home for say, 30 minutes, while you remove yourself (to a room, or go for a walk) will demonstrate to your daughter that you are doing everything you can to facilitate contact with her father.

I believe part of the reason he comes to the home is probably to have a go at you. If it were really about his daughters, he'd text with them. But I think you should show her, by action, that you take her views into consideration, even when it is not emotionally healthy for you.

How are you OP?

I’ve had a very similar sixteen months. First few months I was spinning: Was he having a mental breakdown? What’s the matter with me? Why am I so paranoid about his female friendships? Why can’t I be happy with what I’ve got when he’s so loyal and generous?
He denied the feelings I thought he was having for the OW at work (we all worked same place) and made out I was paranoid; told our late teens son the same. Crazy mummy! Turned him increasingly against me.
[Then son discovered the actual affair before I did, carried that for months, but that’s another disgusting tale of him letting down one who needed him most.]
Eventually I had evidence there was someone else, who I expected, and was floored. Confronted him and expected him to dump her and want to mend our family. He strung me along for a while but then at the six month window (to file for adultery in divorce) loomed so large I eventually got him to admit he loved her (I love t o women ... what crap!) and wanted to be with her.
So nothing for me there; I’m not hanging around to share him and he’s not having his cake and eating it.
My kids needed to know I could respect them and myself enough to get out. My son especially, and once I found out about him gaslighting him I knew that couldn’t be forgiven.
I’d like to say he’s covered himself in glory with the way he’s dealt with the end, but he hasn’t. He’s increasingly a dick. Upshot is, son won’t see him at all, wouldn’t even let me tell him his a level results last week, wants him to have no ownership or knowledge of what he’s doing. Daughter now seeing him every other weekend to visit her old friends back where he lives too.
It comes to a point where enough is enough and much as you want to keep your family together and hope you will be able to forgive him, you can’t keep putting yourself last and wait for him to change his mind.
Life without him was not what I was looking for or expecting, but I had the biggest sigh of relief and best night’s sleep in my new rental home! Peace. He can’t manipulate me on a daily basis anymore.

I have just spent my entire lunch break reading through this entire thread, page 1 all the way to page 25. (I even just set up my own account to write this).
I'm in my mid 20's now and my sister is in her early 20's. Four years ago my parents relationship (of 26 years) broke down due to unconfirmed reports of cheating by my father. My dad left and instigated the divorce due to constantly professing his innocence and that they wasn't any proof. He was right there wasn't any. He even started the divorce proceedings. Long story short, I now live over 200 miles away from my mother (in the same vicinity as my father) and my sister is a few hours away from her now living with her BF. The reason we are now all spread out is because my mother kept us in the dark about what was happening whereas my father insisted we knew everything because we were adults (I was 22ish and my sister was 18) I understand your daughters are younger but hear me out. My mother has ultimately alienated herself from us because we (my sister and I) didn't cut my father out of our lives "like we should have done". We saw him weekly where he would take us out for the day and drop us off at home on the evening.
With seeing this process start to finish (with all the changes in personality in between) what you are feeling is COMLETELY NORMAL.

And I mean NORMAL. You're only human and the yo-yo-ing of 'I miss him' and 'I can't stand him' is just how we try to process everything.

Reading through your posts from start to finish really shows just how strong you are, and how far you have come from that very first post. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for how you are dealing with things (defending yourself is normal too) and your daughters too. Yes, they may be having issues with trying to understand why he's saying certain things but the fact they are communicating just shows how grown up they're are being. I believe you're doing everything right by sticking to the guidance of your solicitor.

I really hope things go well for you when it comes to housing. Have you tried social housing associations? (not council) they may be able to help.
I've seen you write that you feel alone at times, but just look at how many people have commented on this! Clearly you have a lot of people behind you on this when you just need to vent and ask questions. Keep doing what you're doing (I could go on forever) xxx

Wonderful post VioletTurner

Of course it hurts to see the man you dedicated a massive portion of your life to treat you so appallingly. This new him does not tally with what you knew him to be and of course that's upsetting and confusing.

You will get through today, and tomorrow and the next day. And some day in the future this will all be a horrible memory of a time that was incredibly difficult but that you endured and survived.

I truly admire you for staying so strong. Lots of people on here are championing for you. Don't forget that. Keep moving forward x

Thank you for the supportive posts, I couldn’t reply yesterday because you made me tear up! I do appreciate everyone taking their time to respond. What I need is a hug, sounds silly, but I’ve had no one to hug me. I sound pathetic.
Anyway, taking on board advice about the girls seeing him and being the bigger person, and with it being gcse results day, I invited him to come and celebrate with us. He met us there, it was very awkward for everyone, but it was ok. I think it helped my youngest be normal around him because she’s been very closed off to him. Whether he uses it to get back with the OW and have the girls too, I’ve no idea, but my girls are clever enough and wise enough to make their own decisions on that.
He left, we looked around the shops. The only thing that irked me is that he wanted to discuss what bills I’m taking on. Not the time or the place so I suggested we leave talk like that for another day.
He looks ill. Lost loads of weight, as have I, but his doesn’t look through stress, he looks as though there is an underlying health condition. He said he is being checked for type 2 diabetes, there were a couple of times I thought he was going to collapse.

Don’t discuss bills with him. Let the solicitors sort that out, unless you have an idea of the split. Don’t give up anything you’re entitled to.

I assume he needs to get his financial house in order before moving on with the OW.

PS. You’re doing brilliantly.

Jayus, if he didn’t manage to manifest arseholery from the jaws of civility, well done for putting the girls front and centre anyways! Have a good star ⭐️ yourself.

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@MrsTishells. It was bloody hard, and I feel terrible today but yesterday wasn’t about me. It was gcse results day and she did well but could have done better (had he not been shagging someone else and making the home an awful place to live) but she’s done ok.
It’s thrown me back a little bit, but I think both girls liked to see him, and that I could be civil and not a screaming banshee. I’m not doing it again, so birthdays etc will have to be different, but hopefully their relationship with him will have improved by then.
I’m anxious again, always am at a weekend, no idea why really, I don’t suppose having to have a meal with him has helped. I really do love him, that’s what makes it so hard. The house goes on the market this weekend which made me cry

So, I was sat in the beer garden of the pub my daughter works in, and who should come in but his aunt and cousin. Normally they would have come over but just got a wave. Which was fair enough, but then his aunt came out and said she was sorry what had happened, but that these things happen (she is renowned herself for having affairs, and her current husband is the results of them both cheating on their marital partners), and she isn’t in a position to judge, BUT, these things happen for a reason and her and her husband have proven affairs can work!!!! WTF, she’s sat and told me, the wife, that sometimes affairs do work out. I was just gobsmacked and just said thanks for coming over, and just sat back down. The whole bloody family have no morals

No words.

For Auntie in fact ‘s for everyone involved. You couldn’t imagine this shit for a book could you ? on me op.

It’s like a really bad soap opera. His family are all backing him, we’ve been dumped. The grandad who was going to take me to court if I stopped him seeing his granddaughters hasn’t been seen nor heard of since (knob). Their aunt and uncle haven’t bothered, it’s like we don’t exist. I shouldn’t have been surprised at his aunt because she’s had more affairs than I’ve had hot dinners, morals of an alley cat from what I’ve heard.
Everything is still my fault, as I drove him into an affair (knob) so I just don’t engage anymore unless it’s for the benefit of the girls. The house is up for sale, a viewing on Thursday (which he isn’t happy about).

Why is he unhappy about the sale? Does he assume he’ be moving back? Or is it that he’s not controlling the decision?

he’ll be