Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Overseasmom100 · 16/08/2019 11:07

Glad counselling went well...just you on yr own?

So are you clear about what's what with what the Solicitor advised you on..what you are entitled to and the house etc...

Mylifestartstoday · 16/08/2019 11:14

Yes just on my own.
The solicitor was very clear, and I think financially we will be ok. He has contacted his solicitor and offered the equity. People say I’m moving too fast but a) I couldn’t forgive him so I need to move on and b) he may start to feel less guilty and rescind his offer. Friends say I should slow down and just let things settle, but I feel in limbo doing that. I think I need to be in control, as it seems I wasn’t in control during our marriage.

Honeyroar · 16/08/2019 12:16

I think you're right. You'll feel much stronger and safer once you have settled where/how you will live without him on the picture. Keep plodding along, you're dong greet. It's natural to have lows and upset days, but you're going in the right direction.

Alfiemoon1 · 16/08/2019 13:53

Your doing really well and I hope the counselling helps

LaDrem · 16/08/2019 16:18

Do NOT slow down! When my sister got divorced we rushed off to sort it all. Everyone kept saying slow down but bloody hell, it needs sorting so it may as well be ASAP so you can move on. Wine

Mylifestartstoday · 16/08/2019 18:05

I saw him today, he came to pick daughter up and take her to work. God, it really hit me how much I loved/love him. It’s really floored me, now I’m in a downward spiral. I hate rollercoasters!
He’s picking her up so I’m having a bath and putting my PJs on and watching a film with my youngest. He won’t come in, he’ll just drop her off

WashingMyHair247 · 16/08/2019 18:10

I don't think doing things this fast is a bad idea at all, because otherwise it's too easy to get tired and take him back out of easiness' sake.

He's not worth taking back, he's not even sorry and I've no doubt he's still sleeping with the slut.

You're doing the right thing. You have self worth and he can't just swoop in and take it from you anymore.

Overseasmom100 · 16/08/2019 22:21

Bless you OP...why do they mess it all up eh? Feel.for you but life goes on OP for you and your daughters...concentrate on them.and you

TooTrusting · 17/08/2019 12:06

b) he may start to feel less guilty and rescind his offer.

That is spot on advice. While he's feeling guilty he will be more generous (and while OW isn't in his ear)

4happyhours · 17/08/2019 14:08

Sadly this is all too common. Been married to a pillar of the community for twenty years and just left him after a year of being trapped while he carried on his affair as there was no other option but to stay in the home in separate rooms.
Divorcing takes ages, but once you make the decision and the petition arrives at his door you will feel some degree of freedom I guarantee.

4happyhours · 17/08/2019 14:12

And although you feel like you still love him, I guarantee there will come a day when you sit down opposite him or he picks up the children and you think ‘what the bloody hell did I see in him?’
They can only do so much to us and hurt us so much before we realise we are so much better than that person they treated us as, and we can do so much better than them. We become so reliant (20y married!) on being their wife that it’s liberating to remember who we were before.
I lost some weight and (unrelatedly) went to a school reunion half way through this last year. I felt fantastic remembering who I was before I was ‘his’, when I was utterly mine.

Mylifestartstoday · 17/08/2019 15:03

@4happyhours . Sorry you have been through it too. I think I would feel better if I was younger? I’m 51, and see life ahead of me as being on my own once the girls have left. I ‘now that’s really negative, but that’s how I feel

4happyhours · 17/08/2019 15:11

@mylifestartstoday you sooo shouldn’t feel like that. My 18yo son said to me ‘M, with your oxford degree and your blonde hair you can have a whole new life without him!’ (The blonde hair had long started going grey - T-sections ahoy! And I admittedly have just dyed it pink to leave the husband, kind of a Vs up!) I’m only five years your junior. My 14yo seems to be of the impression that we are going to be the Gilmore girls now. (I’d be quite cool with that too!)
Watch Katherine Ryan Glitter Room if you have Netflix. It’s girl power for 2019!

Mylifestartstoday · 17/08/2019 23:40

I’ve been out with a friend and had a drink, trying really hard not to drunk text him. I’ve not been out in such a long time. I really miss him

4happyhours · 17/08/2019 23:59

Stop right there!
Do not drunk text him.
There. You’ve been told Grin

Weenurse · 18/08/2019 02:08

No drunk texting!

Mylifestartstoday · 18/08/2019 07:53

I messaged 🙈💩. He ignored and now I feel awful. That may be the alcohol, or he’s a twat, or both

aweedropofsancerre · 18/08/2019 08:03

Please respect your self. I have found this thread hard as you are like a ball of string that your husband plays around with. He has had an affair, he has been truly dreadful and your still engaging in communication with him and you appear to get excited when he is in touch. It’s time for you to take stalk of this dreadful situation and show your DC that you are a strong woman who will protect them. They will not be impressed if you allow him to skip back in it’s not just you this has affected. My dad was a cheat and I have zero tolerance to cheats so I am sorry if I am harsh

Mylifestartstoday · 18/08/2019 08:14

@aweedrop. I know, and I do need to hear that, not harsh at all. He’s treated me dreadfully, and I need to (very quickly) find some self respect. I’ve got everyone advising me different things (family and friends) and I’m so confused about everything/life in general. I suppose I’m scared of being alone, I know he doesn’t want me, he wouldn’t have done what he did if he loved me anymore. I’m just finding it hard to accept.

Overseasmom100 · 18/08/2019 09:48

Ah OP dont worry see it as a blip that you wont do again.

Stick to yr counselling, get your ducks in a row and stick to your plan

Honeyroar · 18/08/2019 09:52

You need a book. Write down every time he's done something that clearly shows he doesn't love/want you, or has treated you badly. Sounds like you'll fill it up really quickly. Every time you get nostalgic and think you love him/ want to text or phone read through it. Even not replying to your drunken text says it all, he didn't feel the need to contact you...

Mylifestartstoday · 18/08/2019 11:42

I don’t want my life like this, I want my old life back, when we were happy. I don’t think I’m ever going to get over this

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 18/08/2019 11:42

Do you miss the actual him ? Or the fantasy/ideal him ? Which is not the reality at all ! Other people won’t be living your life, a decision is just a decision, if you don’t like what happens after you select a course of action just make a new and/or different decision.

Mylifestartstoday · 18/08/2019 12:01

I miss the person he was before the affair. I don’t believe the man now is the real one, he couldn’t have lived a lie for 20 years. I don’t know what’s happened to him, and I know it’s easy to blame the OW, but it’s like he’s not okay mentally, as though he has had some kind of breakdown. I know I’m clutching at straws, and people change, but I’m just struggling to believe he really is a twat!

LaDrem · 18/08/2019 12:26

This is the real him OP. 20years ago he would have been different but the potential to be this person was always there. People change. It doesn't mean your whole relationship was a lie though and it doesn't mean you can't look back at the happy times. They still existed. But he has changed and this is the real him now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread