Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

I think family counselling would be beneficial for you all but that doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with him. He’s shown no remorse and has been awful to you all the last few weeks

Do you think he’s ended it with the ow... or has the ow ended it because he won’t move in?

I’ve just read your thread op and every time you grey stone him and don’t text him he calls and says he wants you back. Have you noticed this?

Please don’t be afraid for your future, I promise you if you get through this you and your girls will be so much happier long term.
I know it’s difficult to be resolute but you deserve so much better than this poor excuse for a man.

@beer. I don’t know, I can only go by what he says. All I know is he left her house Friday with her crying because (I’m guessing) he won’t move in with her because she lives near his work, and we live a good 50 miles away and he doesn’t want to be that far away. She was crying because he was putting his girls first and she didn’t think that was fair on her!!

I have noticed that the stronger I am, the more he wants to go to counselling. I’m not sure whether that’s because he’s realised what he’ll lose emotionally or financially, or both.
One other thing, I’ve been getting silent phone calls from a withheld number, seems to be every time she’s asked him to move in and he won’t, or they’ve had an argument. When he left I had a few days of them. Then Saturday morning I had 4/5, that’s when I found out that the previous evening he’s refused to move in with her, and then Monday afternoon (he ended it with her at lunchtime). Too much of a coincidence I feel. I’ve contacted BT who say it’s from a private number but they won’t give it to me. I’m waiting for her to unblock me on Facebook and message me, I’m actually looking forward to it 🤣
He keeps stalling, one minute saying he will phone his solicitor about the equity, next he ‘hasn’t had time’. I will just have to see what mine says in the morning, hopefully my head will become clearer then.
I miss him, but actually not as much as I thought. I think because looking back he’d checked out so long ago, that I started to do the same to protect myself. I do still love him though, that’s the hard part

Try and stay strong and not get into a conversation with him again until after you’ve spoken to your solicitor and got house valuation done/house up for sale. Tell your solicitor you’d rather they chased him for equity info. Take the power out of his hands, you hold the reins. It will make you feel a little bit stronger each time.

The thing is life you’re going through a mourning process ... he’s had time to detach , you’ve not. It’s shocking and on dd and for a long time after that shock is overwhelming. Not only is he not the man you thought he was, your whole future or how you envisioned it has changed.
6 weeks is not enough time to come to terms with this, that’s why everyone is telling you to be kind to yourself.
Change, while scary can also be a good thing.
I envisage a happy future for you and your girls where you don’t have to put up with this shit from anyone.
You will all be infinitely happier- hang in there

FYI - the ow sounds like a proper bunny boiler . Sounds like your ~d~h has a terrible future ahead of him.

dd = discovery day

Well he’s a twat. I’ve just messaged him as I’m seeing my solicitor and she still hasn’t had his financials. His response ‘tell them we’re working through things’. Well, that’s news to me! I haven’t even spoken to him. I know it’s ended through my daughter because she messaged him about something. He’s made no attempt to talk, nothing. I must look like a complete walkover, he obviously has no respect for me at all, thinks I’ll just bend.

What a twat! Did you tell him it's news to you, that you're working through things?

FYI - the ow sounds like a proper bunny boiler . Sounds like your ~d~h has a terrible future ahead of him.

This.

I would reply and say but we are not working things through as you cheated on me, so please send the info.

My XH turned nasty too when l took charge if my life and proceeded with sorting out the divorce. I really think he thought I'd just do as he wanted....silly man...

We had to fill in Form E which is the financial disclosure. Is that the form you're referring too? It will list everything from income, savings CETV on pensions....everything.

It was thanks to my XH large pension that l kept the house as it was off set against it.

My solicitor asked him for financial details weeks ago, not in the form of paperwork, I think just to try and sort things amicably, but of course he hasn’t done it. He’s spoken to his sol who was emailing my sol tonight, but of course I don’t know what about. You see, if he wants to come back, and I won’t have him, will he then start being difficult about money so he thinks I have no choice?
Before, he could have gone to the OW but he’s ended it (although I’m sure she’d have him back)
She’s definitely a bunny boiler, I’m sure it’s her doing the silent phone calls, and the fact she’s upset he’s put his daughters first, what a cow. I’m disappointed she hasn’t unblocked me on Facebook and messaged me (so, if you’re reading this, go ahead)

Go back to your posts on page 3 of this thread.

Why, in six weeks, has he gone from being "in love" with her, and being horrid to you, to breaking up with her?

I can only see two reasons:

1. The loss of his daughters; or
2. The financial implications, now that they've likely been laid out by his solicitor.

@winterlife. I know deep down it’s not for me, it bloody hurts though. I suppose I was hoping he would declare he’d made a huge mistake and it was me he loved, but that’s not going to happen. He’s spoken to his solicitor and she is emailing mine (not sure what about). He told me tonight he ended it because she was pressuring him to move in and that she wasn’t happy he had seen his daughter (the night she was hysterical). So, she’s jealous of 2 teenagers. One of whom is self harming. What a lovely woman.
He said he loved me but didn’t know if he wanted to try again, like I have no say in the matter. I’m exhausted with the game playing. I’ll see what my solicitor says in the morning and I’ve got a counselling session later tomorrow. I’m so down again, I’ve got to stop him playing with my emotions. He knows I love him, so he uses it to his advantage. I’m too exhausted and drained to even cry

OP all this about the OW making out she said this she said that etc. He'a now blaming her.

Remember you can not believe a word he says. The OW will give you the truth

Probably best you take everything he says about the OW with a pinch of salt , he would have been telling her a lot of lies about you , he will be saying anything to make him look better

OP.

I think counselling will help you. He sounds a little narcissistic.

So true, I’m forgetting what a lying piece of shit he has turned into. Of course I shouldn’t believe what he says about the OW. God I’m so fucking stupid. It’s just he never was like this, honestly in 20 years I would have trusted him with my life, something has happened to make him turn this way. He says it was me, but I know it wasn’t. I’m so fucked up

No you’re not OP. You’re still processing what’s happened, in very trying circumstances.

Good luck with the solicitor

Good luck with the solicitor

Don't believe a word he says about the OW! He's been playing you for ages. I expect he's told her a pack of lies about you. I would also suspect actually she doesn't want him so he's trying to come crawling back with the classic it's you I loved I was a fool line.

You are no fool. My DH, known him 23 years would of trusted him with my life but after finding out about the EA he had and the lies and deceit he fed me, it's as if the last 23 years meant nothing as if Ive been living with someone I really dont even know. All I kept thinking was how could he do this to me and our family...I would never ever in a million years of ever thought he could of done this to me. This was 3 years ago, we stayed together but it's got worse each year...I dont trust him, dont respect him in fact I dont even like him! Just waiting a couple of years till our DS is settled and will go our separate ways I reckon.

How did the Solicitors go?

@Mintypea5. He’s not coming crawling back though, he flips and flops between saying he loves me and regrets what he’s done, to saying he loves me as the mother of his children but doesn’t ‘love’ me. He told me last night that he supposes he did love the OW, otherwise he wouldn’t have stuck it for so long. He’s not trying to win me back, or he’s got a funny way of showing it!
I think the OW does want him, she wants him to move in, but he won’t as it’s too far away from his daughters (who she is jealous of). I’m sure he will reconnect with her, and eventually go and live with her once things progress to divorce as he doesn’t want to be alone, but I don’t think he really loved her. I think she just gave him what he thought he wanted at the time, but now he’s had the chance to move in he’s not interested. We will see, I guess that’s none of my business anymore.
The solicitor was good (god knows how much it’s cost) but I feel happier seeing her, she definitely has my back.
Next up is counselling appointment, probably paying someone to watch me cry!

@Overseasmom100. It’s so hard when you’ve trusted them so much, mine would have given his life for me at one point, where did it all go wrong? At what stage did he think that an affair was a good idea? I’ll never know, but it goes around and around in my head.
I have a theory about my husband. When the girls were babies and then small, he was the doting daddy, the best person in the world for them. Of course they grow, and you’re meant to grow with them but he seemed to detach as they got older and started to want to choose their own clothes and have their own opinions. He couldn’t quite deal with puberty, and everything that goes with it. As I got closer to them, he moved away, as though he’d ‘lost’ them. He didn’t realise that’s possibly what all teenage girls do, then they come back to their dad. He couldn’t cope with shorter skirts, make up, bra’s etc Obviously I, the one they talked to about periods, and the older one talks about boys, and the younger one loves clothes and make up. They started to have very little in common with him, which is normal I think, but he felt neglected. That’s my theory. That and he turned into a mid life crisis cliche, and became a twat!
I’ve no doubt in my mind he will end up with the OW, but it will be out of necessity not love. Which leads him right back to where he said he was with me.

Oh OP you are spot on!!!
My DH absolutely doted on DS...he is brilliant with little babies and younger children...in fact my baby nephew comes over who is 2 and he is fabulous with him. He was so good with our DS when he was little. I can honesty say there was nothing wrong with our marriage/life when he got distracted. The only thing I can think of is started mixing with other guys who he'd met at his golf club who sre real 'blokes' stinking rich and I think their wives turn a blind eye to stuff as they love the life style they have. Mine is trying to keep up with them. I always used to thinl how lucky O was tplo have such a fantadtic marriage and partner who respected me then BAM out of no where he destroyed it all. Men arent like us...they can switch on and off just like that

I went to counselling yesterday. I must admit, I thought counselling was a crock, but I actually found it really helpful. It was only the first session, so that consisted of me blathering about what had happened with crying/anger/calmness intermingled. It was just good to let it all out to someone who has no vested interest. I’m seeing her again in two weeks time. She only goes to the site near me on a Thursday and next Thursday it’s gcse results day, so it’s the week after.