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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 11/08/2019 22:17

I agree with so many comments on here try to stop interacting with him if he comes round to do jobs go out or in another room

He’s messed up had an ego boost of an affair that ow turned serious by leaving her dh he didn’t want that he also thought you would crumble and take him back but you are strong and didn’t he’s got in self in a pickle stuck between a rock and a hard place so is trying to blame you for his mess

Focus on your kids get counselling for all of you especially your dd who is self harming. My teenage dd did this and has come out the other side

You are strong you can do this just take it a day at a time and try not to engage with him he is talking nonsense

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/08/2019 23:03

This is awful. He can’t be allowed to keep storming in and out and leaving havoc in his wake. I suggest that you now only communicate via e-mail. If he needs to do any more work on the house make the arrangement via e-mail and take yourself out before he arrives and stay out until he’s gone. Although quite frankly, I wouldn’t be worrying about getting the house ready for sale at the moment. There’s no need for you to rush to sell. You have other priorities ie. yours and your children’s well-being. 💐

Mylifestartstoday · 11/08/2019 23:22

I’ve blocked him on the phone and deleted him (although I know his number so pretty pointless). I’ve emailed my solicitor and will see her Thursday.
I don’t know why I allow him to treat me this way. I lost my temper with him today but he turned that around by shouting of the girls and saying ‘look, this is what I have to put up with from your mother’. I think he was goading me deliberately, he knows he’s fucked up but can’t admit it, so he wants me to take the blame.
He can’t admit he’s made a huge mistake, and so he can’t finish with her because that would be confirming his fuck up, so he’ll continue with it regardless of who it hurts so long as he doesn’t lose face. He’ll end up miserable, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
My children are hurting, and I can’t help them, and he doesn’t want to help them. I just want to understand why he’s done this, and why he’s turned into a monster, because a nicer man you couldn’t wish to meet.
I’m scared of being alone at my age, I’m scared he’s going to take the girls away from me, I’m scared they will want to go with him even though he’s done this to us
I know there’s no hurry to sell but at the moment I can’t stop his access, he jointly owns the house. I want our own space. Ever since we moved here things have gone bad, we just want to move.

Winterlife · 12/08/2019 00:11

Ask your solicitor if staying put, with him paying the mortgage, is an option. You can sell when your youngest finishes her education. If that’s the case, he need not come to the home, and you probably can change the locks. That may take some pressure off you, and prices may rebound once the economic uncertainty of Brexit is dealt with.

Just an option to consider.

Winterlife · 12/08/2019 00:13

PS If you do this, you can paint the interior, get some new cushions, throws, cheap things that will freshen the space and make it “yours” and the girls’.

Overseasmom100 · 12/08/2019 08:14

OP ask yourself...even if he did come back, do you honestly think it could work? You need to move on. His is NOT the man you married.

Your solicitor will advise re housing etc but you have children un education you wont be going anywhere x

dottycat123 · 12/08/2019 09:29

Is it worth asking your dds not to contact him for a few weeks to try and reduce the high conflict situations? Your dd asking him to choose between the ow or her may be her way of trying to solve your distress. Him returning on the basis of doing so out of love for his dds could never work as it wouldn't be about wanting a marriage. You would always feel second best and when the dds leave home he may go then. The pain in your posts is tangible and however hard you try to be strong for your dds they will pick this up. He has been so cruel to you that even if he announced he wants to come back, have counselling and is appalled at his behaviour it would be very hard to move forward and forgive him. At the moment the alternative to him is unimaginable and so hard for you in your circumstances but would be possible. I think (and I may be wrong) that if he announced he was going to return you would accept him as you are willing to sacrifice your emotional /Mental health to allow your dds to continue with their present life. This may be a solution now but there would be so many issues simmering below the surface that your happiness and self-esteem would be impacted upon. My dh had a 10 week affair about 8 years ago, he did move out briefly (not to ow) and we strayed together. It has changed our relationship but I get the desire to preserve the practicalities for the family and I had a reasonably well paid job. As I said in my previous post I think you have to stop physically seeing him at the moment.

Mylifestartstoday · 12/08/2019 09:57

I don’t think I would have him back. I would like to go to counselling with him to see if we can repair our friendship, but I would never trust him again. Maybe if he had been honest when it first came out, but he’s still seeing the OW, even if it’s just because he has no one else. I have no one either, but I haven’t invited the postman in for a shag.
My daughters don’t want me to have him back, they know they would never trust him. They just want a relationship with their dad that isn’t built on him lying to them
Since he left he’s given no thought (that’s how it seems) about anyone but himself. DD1 was hysterical last night after work, wanted her dad, I messaged him, he didn’t respond. He may have been asleep, but I’ve had no message from him this morning asking if all is okay. Considering she has self harmed I think that’s disgraceful.
He was such a good, kind man. I’m grieving for that I think

Roughday · 12/08/2019 11:01

Hi op ! I have been reading your thread and am totally devastated for you and your girls . This man is a manipulative a*hole and you are all better off without him .
What you do need to do is stop messaging him . You say you delete and block then message him about your daughter ! I know he’s her dad but it’s quite obvious he has no interest in anyone but himself !
I know he isn’t replying but with you texting him every time there’s a problem or your daughter is upset you are giving him what he wants. You’re reaching out to him for support and I bet he’s loving it .
You’re doing great and can comfort your daughter without his half hearted input ( if any) you need to show him he is not needed at all , and the only way to do that is to not contact him about anything except the finances you and your girls need. Stay strong op Flowers

Mylifestartstoday · 12/08/2019 11:44

I can’t stop myself messaging, it’s like an addiction. I think about it all the time, even though I know he doesn’t answer, then that makes me feel worse. It’s like I need contact with him, even though I know he doesn’t want me.

Roughday · 12/08/2019 15:28

I do understand that you want that contact , you’re life has just been pulled from under you so of course you can’t just check out like he has . But you do really really need to try and stop.. you are doing yourself no favours at all . Also when you message him he is more than likely with OW and rolling eyes “it’s her again” and ow will get enjoyment out of him not replying .

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2019 17:50

You really need to stop messaging him and cut contact I know it’s hard as it will be a habit that’s hard to break after so many years together but I don’t think it’s helping you or the situation

Mylifestartstoday · 12/08/2019 18:27

I’ve managed all today, feel proud of myself (tragic). It’s my danger time, so going to go out in the garden to distract myself

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2019 20:09

Well done and keep it up dds can arrange contact with him themselves if they want to. I think it will totally throw him if he sees you getting on without him and hopefully will stop playing mind games with you

Mylifestartstoday · 12/08/2019 21:10

Managed all day, kept distracted in the garden. He’s contacted the youngest and asked her to go to the cinema (he’s finished with the OW so he tells her). I thought I would feel happy about that but I actually have no feelings about it. It’s been such a bad weekend, I just need to concentrate on the 3 of us

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2019 21:47

You probably have no feelings with him ending it with ow as you know there is no going back because of how awfully he’s treated you all over the last few weeks.
I may be wrong but I think if you stop contact get on without him he may try and come back and that is when you need to be strong and find your anger

Keep finding distractions if you feel tempted to contact him write it down then screw it up and bin it. You are doing so well

Pollyhops · 12/08/2019 23:08

Stay strong op.

Just take one day at a time.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 23:13

t was random because he was talking about how he would have liked to reconcile but my bitterness and anger over his affair was stopping him, and the fact I’m trying to sort financials out is breaking his heart because I’m being so matter of fact about it. You couldn’t make this shit up.

From the whole thread, this is the stand out incident. Classic victim blaming. What a twat.

He won’t be able to take the girls from you, they don’t want to go.

He’s an idiot for vaccilating back and forth and blaming you for HIS appalling behaviour. How dare he!

Re renting, plenty of people with benefits and pets rent. There’s even a website for pet friendly rentals. I would rent to pet owners, I’m a dog lover. As long as the place is kept clean, there’s no reason landlords won’t rent to pet owners.

Overseasmom100 · 13/08/2019 21:35

How's things OP have you managed to go no contact

Mylifestartstoday · 13/08/2019 22:03

I’ve managed another day, but he has contacted me and wants counselling with me. I’ve not replied. I’m seeing my solicitor Thursday, which he knows about, and it’s going ahead. House photos booked in for Monday. I think he realises what he’s lost. Me, on the other hand, have become stronger without him (most of the time, I still have a cry today)

Alfiemoon1 · 13/08/2019 22:17

That’s the attitude op well done

SandyY2K · 13/08/2019 22:37

He certainly realises it wasn't worth it. Its likely the OW gave him an ultimatum. Move in or it's over. Ppl on her side will have told her he has no excuse not to move in now his wife knows and if he loved her he'd be with her.

That's not your problem though.

Has he said the purpose for the counselling this time? To coparent amicably or in a bid to reconcile?

I just think a reconciliation would be damaging for your DDs. They don't trust him and it would affect their feelings towards you.

Its really hard when the kids are aware, but it was his actions that caused this whole mess.

Btw...you're not letting your girls down. Relationship breakdowns are hard...they'll realise for themselves in the future... even when a guy messes up...it doesn't mean you can just switch your feelings off or push the pain aside.

Overseasmom100 · 13/08/2019 22:45

Well done OP must be so hard for you. Sure you will have a clearer head after Thursday

Mylifestartstoday · 13/08/2019 22:53

I think to reconcile, but he hasn’t done anything to make me want to, to be honest. No remorse shown, nothing. I think he thinks I would just beg him back now it’s ended, but there’s no way I’m doing that. Am I relieved he’s ended it with the OW? Yes, I’m happy, but that doesn’t mean I now want him back. Just a text asking me to go to counselling. He must either be thick or think I’m really desperate

Winterlife · 13/08/2019 23:12

Do you think counselling would be a negative? It doesn't mean you can't proceed to divorce, or even pursue a divorce while you seek counselling.

I'd be tempted to arrange family counselling, starting with the two of you and then adding your daughters. Perhaps hearing from a neutral third party how damaging his behaviour has been, particularly toward his daughters, would be useful.