Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

Repeat that line to yourself every morning and believe it -

I can do this. There may be bumps in the road, but we'll get there.

He wants me to stall the solicitors until ‘he gets his head straight’. He wants to finish with the OW but hasn’t, for whatever reason. I’m not stopping with the solicitor, he’s had 6 weeks to get his head right. I’ve got an appt with her next week.
I need him to agree things now, I’m not waiting. His head is no longer my responsibility.
I know I need to cut contact, he doesn’t ask how I am or after his daughters welfare, which is disgusting seeing as he knows the eldest is harming herself. He’s not seen them, nor made any attempt to for 6 weeks. I’m just so used to talking to him every day for 20 years it’s hard to stop. I need to get some self respect.

Absolutely awful behaviour frim him. You can do this OP....you deserve better x

If he had any remorse he would have already finished with OW, he's had six weeks to get his head straight.

Unless he or she changes jobs wouldn't they still be in contact at work?

I would hazard a guess that he never wanted the OW for anything more than a side piece. He wanted his marriage and the “excitement” of someone new. You throwing him out meant he no longer controlled his own destiny in the manner he believes he deserves. That’s why his head isn’t “right”. He is processing the fact his comfortable family world has fallen apart, and it’s all due to his own actions.

I doubt he wants the OW as a permanent partner. He may end up with her, once the realization his marriage is over, finally hits home. I suspect the avoidance of your daughters is a mixture of shame, regret, and avoidance due to their hostility. It would take real emotional work to deal with them, and he is not up to that. He may never be.

Put your emotions aside and let most of your interactions be via solicitor.

Grey rock all the way. You are doing so well getting things moving with the solicitor. Keep it up and ignore him.

I’m really down today, he’s really messed with my head
. @winterlife I don’t think he ever wanted her, I think it was a fling but when she left her husband for him, he felt a duty to continue, and got drawn deeper into it. I’m sure he doesn’t want her, but he hasn’t ended with her. He probably will end up with her when he sees I have gone through with the solicitor appointment, and then I’m sure I’ll get the blame for breaking up the family by not giving him time.
I wish I’d never looked at his phone. Ignorance is bliss. My life is a wreck, I’m on so many different meds for my illness and also now to help with the stress/anxiety.

I am very sorry, mylife. I can't say too much on the stages of your grieving, as it's not something I have ever faced. There is nothing that says you can't take him back, if that is something you truly want. However, were that to occur, I believe he would have to take responsibility for what he has done, and that usually means a lot of counselling.

He was with her last night. They discussed their future, she got upset and he left. He’s just told me. So, I’ve told him it’s definitely over and I will be carrying on with the solicitor next week, and then asked him to leave.
He’s been messing my head up for 6 weeks, telling me he loves me and doesn’t love her, then tonight he said he doesn’t know if he loves her and ‘has feelings’ for me.
Now, I get abusive messages from him saying I’m the one who needs professional help from a psychiatrist and I’ve shown my true colours (all because I said I’ve made the decision for him and he needs to go wipe her tears and play happy families with her daughter), that he’s reporting me to his solicitor (again) for calling him a twat
He doesn’t like me taking control. I think he was trying to decide who to have, and doesn’t like the decision being taken from his hands. Like he really thinks he could just come walking back in when he’s sorted his head out.
I’ve had a complete breakdown, I know I need help with counselling or something.
I just don’t know how someone I’ve loved for 20 years could be so cruel. I, worse now than when he left. He doesn’t want me, and that hurts like hell. I don’t think I’ll ever get over what he’s done

I don’t think I’ll ever get over what he’s done

I agree - they damage us.

It sounds to me as if it's a control issue with him. He can no longer control his surroundings, let alone you.

I am a lawyer and believe me, even his own solicitor will think he's a twat for sending that complaint to the solicitor. My colleague, a very practical German who practices family law, asks clients "Do you really want to pay me $500 an hour to listen to these complaints?" But, most lawyers are rather happy to bill for that stuff, until the client complains about the account.

I'm somewhat of a bitch, so I'd be saving all those emails and texts, and at some point in the future, after I have received my settlement, counselling, and my children are independent, I'd be sending them all to the OW, if they are still together or if that were even a possibility. In fact, I'd be goading him, and asking for his feelings about me, if he loves her, if he envisions a life with her, asking for his feelings about her child.

I’ve got video evidence of him ranting last week, and him taking the car away from me (and he knew I had daughter to collect) so I’m sure me calling him a twat isn’t a huge issue.
I just can’t deal with his behaviour anymore. Last week he loved me and wanted counselling, was going to end it with her as he doesn’t love her and he realises what a huge mistake he’s made, this week he doesn’t know if he loves her and he only has feelings for me as the mother of his children. Wanting me to stall the solicitor to give him time to end it, yet he was with her last night.
How can a family man, a loving husband and amazing father, change so much? He’s says it’s my fault, and his changing is because I made him so unhappy, but that can’t be true, can it? The fact he’s changed beyond recognition should make me realise what a bad wife I was. Everything is my fault.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I tread on eggshells in case I cause my daughter to self harm.
When he was with her last night, he didn’t think whether he was needed to parent. He’s out tonight at his brothers, again he doesn’t seem to think he has to parent and maybe collect his daughter from work. Everything falls to me, and he knows I have a chronic illness that affects me day to day. He just doesn’t care

mylife chin up lovely - I'm going to pm you.

He’s been today, descended into a slanging match
I can’t take anymore, he still blames me for everything.
Daughter asked him to finish with the OW but he said no, and that daughter should see him regardless of who he is with. She’s told him she doesn’t want to see him because he’s putting the OW and her feelings first, but he just blames me for turning them against him. She’s 14 and it’s very black and white for her, she asked him to choose and he’s chosen a woman he claims not to want to be with.
I’d filmed last weeks interaction, he’s told me it can’t be used or shown to anyone (he’s checked) and that it’s illegal for me to check his email (I checked his email the day after he left and found messages and receipts for gifts and trips away). It wasn’t his personal email address, I’ve had access to it for years I just never used to use it. He’s going to report me for illegally accessing his email account, and if I film him anymore he’s going to report me to his solicitor for invasion of privacy.

Does anyone know what responsibility he has to house his children until they leave school? I can’t buy him out, he can’t buy me out. I can’t get a council house, I can’t rent privately because I’m on benefits and have pets. I would like to use the equity in the house to buy a shared ownership but I’ve been told that my benefits don’t count towards affordability so wouldn’t be able to do that.
Would it be better for me to hand the children, pets and house over to him and me move away? At least the girls would have security of housing.

He’s going to report me for illegally accessing his email account, and if I film him anymore he’s going to report me to his solicitor for invasion of privacy.

This would make me laugh in his face. He’s like a child threatening to tell teacher about you. Why do you keep seeing him OP? Can you not make any necessary arrangements via e-mail?

@alexa. He came to do some jobs around the house to get it ready for sale. I don’t have the money to pay someone.
I’ve deleted him from my phone etc now, and I’ve got to stop reacting. I just don’t know how. I’m in so much turmoil, I don’t know which way is up. I hurt so much it’s painful, like a punch to the stomach.
I’m finding it so hard to detach from him, I spoke to him every day for 20 years and I miss him (the old him)

He's lost control and is failing to take responsibility, but rather blames you.

In what world does having an 18 month extra marital affair not constitute a legit reason to end a marriage.

Does he even listen to himself talking such nonsense. The thing is he thought you would crumble without him. He thought your I'll health would make you a doormat and you'd be oh so glad he wanted to reconcile.

Unfortunately for him, he underestimated you.... by a long way. You're showing strength I don't think even you thought you had.

He's lost the comfort of the family life and the OW is seeing he doesn't really want her. The game is up and he doesn't know what to do...so he does the gutless thing and blames you.

He realises he's made an almighty mess of his life..and all for a bit on the side, who he doesn't love. I'm suprised he's not ashamed to be questioned by DD about his OW. He's just proving himself a let down for a father, but they have one hell of a strong mother.

Even without his affair, it's very insightful that your DDs find it calmer without him.

Stay strong. Hold your resolve and look after yourself and your lovely DDs.

@sandyy2k. Thank you for your kind words, I really need them today. I don’t feel strong, I feel weak. I’m letting my girls down by feeling this way, and I’m allowing his behaviour to get to me. I feel worthless and everything he’s said to me in the last few weeks, I’m starting to believe. I’m all alone, while he has his family around him (they’ve dumped me and the girls) and the OW to comfort me, my family don’t live here so I’m all alone.

Don’t panic about housing just yet.

1. Apply for council housing - even though you don’t think you’ll get it. You will get support from the housing options team.
2. Check you are receiving all the benefits you are entitled to (are you claiming esa?) and claim the council tax discount for single occupancy
3. some private landlords will take people on benefits with pets. My friend just left her family home with a dog, 2 cats, 2 kids and a snake. She is renting privately and doesn’t work as she is on PIP.
4. Solicitor definitely required and a separation order maybe needed prior to a divorce to help with the housing situation
5. don’t think about leaving the kids, they don’t want to be with him and that would just cause you and them a huge amount of pain. Plus he sounds incredibly selfish and would most likely be a crap parent.

Take some time to think about whether you want to move (with the kids) back to where your support network is. How would that look in terms of schooling, housing etc. Is it a goal for after your youngest has done GCSEs or is it possibly to move sooner? What would happen with access?

Mostly look after yourself. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! If he was unhappy the solution wasn’t to have an affair with someone who he doesn’t even seem to like very much. He doesn’t want to deal with the fall out of HIS actions and it’s easier to blame you. Don’t accept that. Be kind to yourself and don’t make hasty decisions

Honestly for your own sanity stop torturing yourself by seeing him or speaking to him. If he comes round to do a job in the house go out away from him. I know you have a solicitor involved but there is some free advice about housing in most areas, contact your council about local services. I really feel for you, his treatment of you is horrific.

My youngest rang him hysterical and he’s been round again. She asked him to choose her or the OW and he’s chosen the OW. He says he won’t end his relationship even if it means his daughter won’t see him (then in another breath says he doesn’t see a future with the OW). So, he’s happy to leave his daughter bereft (he’s stormed out again because she was crying and he couldn’t cope with the guilt).

I think your daughter desperately needs counselling. Please get it for her ASAP.

Is there any way that you can go to stay with your family (father/.brother) for a while? Put clear blue sky between you and your H?
Each time that he comes to your house your strength and sense of self is eroded and your daughters are traumatised anew.

@winterlife. We’re booked in for counselling. Her world has been torn apart. I’m doing the best I can, but he keeps destroying the status quo. I’m seeing my solicitor next week but I’ve emailed her about his behaviour.

I understand @mylife. I do think your husband is 100% responsible for your daughters’ mental health. Glad to hear they will get help.