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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Mylifestartstoday · 04/08/2019 14:17

I’m feeling slightly stronger, although I’ve just had to be towed to the garage by the rac because the car has broken down. I’ve had to ring him to help because I have no way of collecting/dropping the girls anywhere. So now I’ve got to see him, as do the girls.

KeziaOAP · 04/08/2019 14:26

Oh no, hope you can get the car fixed, him paying, so you get your time away camping, you and dds need the break.

Mylifestartstoday · 04/08/2019 15:14

He won’t pay. He said he’ll pay, but I have to pay him back. How he thinks I can do that with no money, I really don’t know. I may be as slow to pay him back as he is to respond to messages, give me any money etc etc

Winterlife · 04/08/2019 17:34

Take the money now and run it by your solicitor later.

Honeyroar · 04/08/2019 19:54

Just say yes I'll pay you back. Then later add "when maintenance etc is finally sorted out.."

Honeyroar · 04/08/2019 19:55

Alternatively get your girls to ring him up every few hours with "dad I need a lift to X, mum's got no car.."

Overseasmom100 · 04/08/2019 21:15

So did he mention what happened the other night??

Mylifestartstoday · 04/08/2019 22:14

I’ve had the evening from hell with him. I can’t even begin to say what it’s been like. He went to get a hire car for me because mine needs serious work, then he kicked off and walked out with the keys leaving me no way of getting my daughter from work, saying he didn’t care how I got her and use some of my ‘supportive’ friends to help out (I think he’s pissed off people are helping me). He did eventually come back and hand back the keys, but I’m so exhausted by the whole thing

MyOtherProfile · 04/08/2019 22:52

I really hope you're logging all this, OP.

GettickledGETTICKLEDbyspiders · 04/08/2019 23:05

People are helping you because you deserve it and because he’s a waste of skin.
He’s embarrassed he’s shown his true colours that’s why he’s annoyed about it, people know he’s useless and a crap husband.

Overseasmom100 · 04/08/2019 23:07

Oh OP bless you. Ok it was u fortunate you had to ask for his help totally get that. But now you need to start grey rocking him again. Please get an appt at your solicitors he will only get worse towards you Im sure

Mylifestartstoday · 05/08/2019 14:05

My solicitor rang me today, and I have an approval with her next Thursday. She received the letter from my exh solicitor (the one where he was offended at being called nasty names). It was basically just a copy and paste job of text messages, but apparently they didn’t make sense in context to I guess he deleted the ones where he’s slagging me off. Anyway, she rang his solicitor and asked what the point of her letter was (to which there wasn’t much response) and then threw them to the back of my file! She’s a star, she said she would have called him much worse.
He was absolutely vile last night, I filmed it all, not always his face but just the voices, and it’s much worse than me calling him a piece of shit. He was going to leave his own daughter stranded at work. Apparently his behaviour is so unlike him because I made him so unhappy I drove him to it, and made him the man he is now. If I had made him happier he would never have looked at someone else. She was better than me at being a mother, wifely duties, going out with, sex, everything. That must be why he thinks her child is a brat and I’ve got two lovely teenagers who no one has a bad word to say about, such a bad mother I am!

Mylifestartstoday · 05/08/2019 14:05

*approval = appointment

beanaseireann · 05/08/2019 14:13

You have dc who love you and know your worth.
His opinion of you isn't of the slighest interest to you.
To paraphrase Scarlet O' Hara - Frankly my dear you don't give a damn !

Is this the guy who was crying in the garden !!

Overseasmom100 · 05/08/2019 21:45

He really is off his head!!!! Going from crying in the garden to slating you in the most vile way and abandoning his child...he has none to blame but himself.

Please show yr solicitor the video and grey rock totally.

Mylifestartstoday · 06/08/2019 08:34

@Overseasmom100. But he’s had a breakdown because of me (apparently). Because his behaviour is out of character he’s blaming me, and me being a horrible person drove him to it. I’ve changed him, didn’t realise I was so powerful!
He’s shouting at me that he’s lost everything because of me, because I made him shag someone else, and spend our money on her, and take her away. I made him do it. He’s lost his house, his children, his mind, all because of me.
I told him I was miserable with him towards the end too, but he has to be more miserable than me, like it’s some kind of competition. I feel like making him a rosette or a little statue.

Overseasmom100 · 06/08/2019 08:51

Wow...vile person I bet you almost dont recognise him, certainly not the man you married eh?

What it is is this...he got caught, he's angry, his children arent carrying on as normal or siding with him, he's beating himself up with what he's done to you and them BUT cant admit it. It's so easy to blame someone else - you. The OW must be bending his ear and the letter to the solicitor's is just pure childishness.

For this to stop, you need to grey rock, try and do things yourself so you dont have to reply on him, it's very hard I know but as soon as you go no contact he will change, he will have to and start being more respectful to you.

I think after your appointment next Thursday you will have a better feel towards all of this. Please dont worry about money, house etc, your solicitor will advise and help you put a plan into action.

But from today try and loose all contact with him....you cant even say you're staying in contact for the sake of the children as he's letting them down again and again and they have made their own minds up with regards to the contact they want with him.

He's made his choice - you and your children are your priority now OP - there is a big bright world out there, and Im sure soon you'll embrace it - it's waiting for you and your children to make some wonderful memories of your own now, whilst he goes and wollows to the OW - he's her responsibility now!!!

Bigblue1970 · 06/08/2019 08:54

He is one massive C U N T. He doesn't like it that he is losing control of you. You are no longer his puppet to play with and he's now got the one option, the OW, and I bet she's not looking so appealing now. You are stronger than you realise. Flowers

alohamfs · 06/08/2019 09:05

Don't sell - is it mortgage or paid. He can't evict you and you both have to agree to the sale, let him buy you out.. if possible?

Mylifestartstoday · 06/08/2019 09:33

He doesn’t want the OW, she’s bending his ear about moving in now that he’s left me, but he doesn’t want to. She’s blaming me apparently for stopping him!!
He’s also annoyed that we are going camping for a few days, because he’s missing out. He knows I hate camping, and I would rely on him previously, yet I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone. He’s hating it. He’s annoyed I won’t let him look after the dogs because we don’t trust him, I’ve got someone staying at the house looking after them. I’d rather pay someone than have him rooting through everything.
We probably won’t get the rent up properly, it’ll probably rain, but we don’t care. We’ve bought loads of crappy food snacks and we’re just going to enjoy ourselves

MyOtherProfile · 06/08/2019 09:33

You need to stop engaging with him now and only communicate through a lawyer. The children need to communicate with him separately if they want or need to.

Mylifestartstoday · 06/08/2019 09:44

I am trying, I’ve had no contact since Sunday when my car broke down and I needed rescuing. I don’t need to speak to him, and the girls won’t speak to him. I’m feeling a lot calmer today

Overseasmom100 · 06/08/2019 10:13

OP you are amazing Flowers hold you head up high and enjoy the time with your beautiful children

Butters83 · 06/08/2019 10:27

I am so sorry to read this. I cant imagine the pain and shock and grief and betrayal.

I know its hard to fathom but things WILL be ok.

My FIL left my MIL who is long term ill and once the emotions had cooled they were able to maintain a good relationship, not only for the children but he continued to help around the house. Its the least you can do for the mother of your children. I wish nothing but this at the very least for you.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 06/08/2019 10:34

Seems to me that you need an independent third party who is professional and neutral. His solicitor is advocating for him and you solicitor is advocating for you, but there needs to be a way forward which will include finances, but also the ability to communicate to each other without it ending up being vindictive.
Maybe mediation, in which case you may be able to resolve practical issues without the need of paying solicitors, but can be part of a financial settlement. Maybe joint counselling so you can both talk about emotional issues, maybe a combination of both.
Phrases such as, 'I never loved you, etc' is just anger and borne out of frustration, and he needs to stop blaming you for his unhappiness.