Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

Don't reply, you don't need to leave a trail of evidence that he will try to use against you at some point in the future. The best response from you is no response. Don't get dragged into his dramatic gaslighting games, you'll only end up even more hurt. Ignore him and stay strong. Sending you love and strength 💐

Tough would it not be better to leave a response that he's wrong in the paper trail? I don't know.

Personally I'd respond stating how his turn of events is much different from the truth. Mention the 'official' on-going relationship, the fact your daughter is self harming and make it clear under no circumstances will you be tolerating his lies via email any further. Keep that reply plus his load of written bullsh*t and then never respond again.

I'd also not negating talking financials just yet, get it straight in your head what you want then seek legal advice.

He can say what he likes doesn't make it true whether op replies or not. OP is hurting and I don't think she needs to get dragged into more communication especially with someone so devious who is obviously trying to hurt her and mess with her head. I can't see there's anything to be gained from communicating with a senseless abusive knob head. Perhaps better to keep her plans to herself and get on with blasting him out of the water. "Don't get mad, get everything" Ivana Trump...

I’ve had enough, to be honest. Five weeks in and he’s still lying. I feel worse now than when he left, I guess because I thought he was going to be remorseful and he’s been anything but.
I’ve been to my GP, again, and he’s changed my meds and is chasing urgent counselling for me.
I need to speak with my solicitor Monday because I’m terrified about housing. I’m not eligible for shared ownership, can’t rent privately because I’m on benefits and have dogs, am low down on housing list. I’m 51, never in a million years did I think I’d have to claim benefits. Never did I think he would do this to me, he was the perfect husband and father. That’s what I can’t get my head around, he was telling me he loved me the night he got caught. I’m such a mess

can I ask why you are not eligible for shared ownership ? do you need a small mortgage ? you should just be able to pay the rent portion ? Do you work at the moment ? My sister and son have done it without problems?

And this is really awful and eating me up - I keep thinking it would be better if he would die and then I can grieve for the husband and father I thought he was. It’s giving me incredible guilt that I can think about him in that way.

oh I see you are on benefits . Could you consider a part time job? And will you not be entitled to stay in the house ubtil the children have finished FT education?

And he is a very weak man who can not admit this is all his fault , what a coward.

Don't write everything off . It does sound like you had happy times and you have your wonderful children . I don't think he was like this for all of your marriage , he just seems to have lost the plot for some reason .

@susieowl4 I have a chronic illness that makes working unlikely, i haven’t been fit for work for years. I could afford a shared ownership because I would pay my share outright, but the benefits I’m now on dont get taken into account for affordability.
We had many happy years together, even when he was having his affair it seemed ok until towards the beginning of this year when I sensed something was different about him. The day I found out we were in the garden together messing about in a pool we’d just bought. It just seems surreal now, because 4 hours later our world exploded.
I’d asked him just a few weeks before if he was having an affair (after reading things on here, i was starting to wonder) but he swore on our children’s lives he loved me and them and would never do anything like that to us. It’s obviously been eating away at him. The beginning of this year, when he started behaving differently, coincides with her getting divorced from her husband, so I wonder if she was pressuring him to move in with her and he was hesitating. I don’t think he ever wanted me to find out, don’t think he was ever going to leave me, he certainly doesn’t really want her, he is just hanging on because he doesn’t want to be alone. Not that that helps me, of course. I try and sleep and then I wake up and it overwhelms me again.

Have you looked at what you can claim as a single person? Are you on ESA? Some private landlords will take pets and benefit recipients but often their adverts don’t state this. Try contacting all your local letting agents and leaving them your details to see what may come up. Appointment at CAB maybe useful as well

@Mylifestartstoday reading your post about sieving he'd died resonated with me.
My husband had an affair and 18 months ago I found out. Having children together means he will always be part of my life in some way and certainly quite closely until they are adults. I would have loved to have never seen him again to help me heal but no, I had to see him the very next day and then at least 2/3 times a week every week since then. In fact, I am on holiday now and this 2 weeks will be the longest I've not seen him in all that time.

I would never really wish him dead as he is my children's dad and despite being a crap husband in the end, he is a great dad but as far as I'M concerned, the grieving process would have been a lot easier I think had he died, rather than had an affair.

When I say "easier", I am not for one minute saying it's easy to lose a husband, of course it's not. I just mean that grieving for someone who is still very much alive and part of your life is the hardest thing I've ever done.

@Sunshineandflipflops. I grieved for my mum when she died, but even that doesn’t compare to this. It’s knowing he’s out there, enjoying himself with her without a care for us. He’s walked away without a backward glance, he can go out every night if he wants to (I guess I could too with the age of the children but I wouldn’t leave them)
I’d arranged to go out last week but my daughter was self harming so didn’t (obviously) go, he didn’t even try ringing to see how she was. How can a man just go forward and forget what he’s left behind? It’s not him who is potentially in the shit with money, he can move in with her, it’s not him consoling 2 teenagers, it’s not him with dogs that need walking (although he was the one who wanted them, I never did want any although I love them to bits now), it’s not him worrying about being too ill to make tea etc etc.
He wasn’t one of those men, he was a good husband and a good father. The best.

That’s the headfuck isn’t it? How can he compartmentalise his life like this? Walk away from his children, responsibilities and you. How could the wonderful man you thought he was actually be a cold, shallow bastard? I’m so sorry OP, I’m sure as well as the grief you are absolutely furious with him.

My husband died, and in a warped kind of way, I'm glad. We had split about 10 months beforehand, and it was gut wrenching. I was the same as you OP....couldn't sleep, eat. The kids were devastated. And he kept letting them down re access. It was worse than the aftermath of his death. You WILL get thru this OP. It might not feel like it, but u will. My DH wanted to come back when he saw how I was living my life again. I kept my feelings hidden and did the whole "I can cope without u scenario". Good luck

I am sorry to hear about your illness.

I agree it sounds like he wanted to keep his family and the other woman on the go - and when that did not happen he has turned on you because he cant cope with the fact of how weak he is . He wants to play happy families to ease his guilt. I know someone in a similar position and it was like he just drifted off into a parallel world without the responsibilities that he himself had created and then thought it would be all hunky dory . Just cut himself off basically . It was all very odd.

The latest, just gets worse. I asked him to collect 16 year old from work because I’m not well. He said yes, she texted me to say she was ready, I messaged him and no response. I’ve tried phoning him, no response. So I’ve had to shoot down to work to collect her, with a sick bucket in the car. What kind of man leaves his 16 year old daughter stranded at work? No response to messages, no response to phone calls.

OW has found out and kicked off...I'll put money on that!!!!!!

I think the gloves are off now OP.
Get to your solicitors and get that ball rolling....your solicitor will be able to advise on finances DONOT agree to him coming round to discuss anything...do it via the solicitor....if he doesnt like it...tough!!!

I just keep giving him chance after chance, in the hope the person I loved will come back, and I need to accept he’s long gone. I’d love to know what’s happened to him but I guess I’ll never know.
I need to get tough now, don’t I, he just says not to use solicitors because that money could go to the girls. Shame he never thought of them when he was spending our money on his girlfriend and daughter.
I wonder if he planned to stay there tonight, I messaged so he said he would help, and she’s gone crazy because it’s spoilt her night?

You cant trust him...he is sadly NOT the man you fell in love with and married...he's gone. OP just think if he CAN do this to you and your children what else is he capable of? He has had ample time to STOP and rethink what he's done he haa chosen the OW...again.

Please, please go via your solicitor ..he is putting his own selfish interests first you need to secure yours and your childrens future...please dont regret it.

What kind of man lets his own daughter down like that. Horrible.

Time to get SHL ( shit hot lawyer) and look after yourself and the DC. He has shown where his priorities are now and it is not with his children.

Has he really gone 'official' or is he trying to provoke more emotional reaction from you? Likewise the crying in the garden, the love you hug, he's being very cruel playing with your emotions.

Hope you are feeling better today after the upset last night