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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Mylifestartstoday · 31/07/2019 20:24

@overseasmom100 I’ve asked him to go to counselling, but his ‘head is a mess’. He’s said three times he’s making a doctors appointment because he doesn’t feel mentally well yet hasn’t been. He can still manage to go to work though
He gets paid tomorrow, I asked him to agree an amount I could have, he just said to use the joint account but I don’t want to. Why should he see what we’re doing or what we are spending, so I’ll just transfer what I think tomorrow. He doesn’t reply to messages so I’ve blocked him again for my own sanity. I feel like I’m going crazy

Overseasmom100 · 31/07/2019 22:35

Wonder if the OW has given him an ultimatum and he's going crazy with the dilema of what to do. Well he will have to grow a pair and address the situation before long and you can not go on like this...very unfair on you and yr children.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 01/08/2019 08:38

OP - you can contact relate online if you want someone to talk to.

shithappens123 · 01/08/2019 10:44

OP the guy is a dog and he’s trying to get you to feel sorry for him so you won’t take him to the cleaners. He’s not the man you knew and when you feel a bit better maybe start thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life, the world is your oyster and you will get financial help if you want to study something that has always interested you

Mylifestartstoday · 01/08/2019 14:50

I think he’s trying to keep myself and the OW dangling while he gets his head together.
I’ve transferred some money over to my account, he wouldn’t discuss so I’ve just chosen the figure myself.
He doesn’t reply to messages and then blows up so I’ve blocked him (again) and I will have to find the resolve to keep him blocked.
I’m not sure what I’m meant to do, or how to proceed now. He says he doesn’t want to waste money on solicitors yet messes around with money, and doesn’t want the house up for sale.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 01/08/2019 15:46

You need to stick to a plan love - you know that

Write down what you need to do and then check them off as you get it done

Mintypea5 · 01/08/2019 15:52

I've been following your thread for a while but not commented before.

You need to do what's best for you. Doesn't matter if he doesn't want to mess with solicitors yet or putting the house up. He lost that right when he had an affair.

I would guarantee he's playing both you and the OW. Most likely scenario is he's still seeing / sleeping with her saying you're making it difficult won't agree to divorce etc while telling you he needs space to get his head straight.

Other most likely scenario is she's actually chucked him but he's telling you he doesn't want her so it looks like he picked you.

He's a selfish twat get rid

Mylifestartstoday · 01/08/2019 15:59

@LadyBrienneofTarth. I know, I just don’t know what I’m meant to do next?
My head is a mess, I think I need to see my GP again

Winterlife · 01/08/2019 16:29

If you don’t want him back, get on with enforcing a division of assets. Ensure you listen to your solicitor on this.

Seek counselling for the emotional side of things. You will gain insights into yourself.

SaraNade · 01/08/2019 20:24

Wow Mylifestartstoday I have just read this entire thread. I have never been through this, but what I felt when I read this thread was an overwhelming sense of hurt and sadness for you to the point I was teary and am feeling can down now. What I don't understand is why he had to be so hateful and nasty to you. You never did anything to hurt him, all you ever did was love him. How on earth can a man be so cruel to the mother of his children, and by extension his children? The things he said to you just reading them cut me like a knife. And it's not even me. He had an affair and hurt you, I don't understand why he really needed to go out of his way to twist the knife in and be so cruel to you. And it's not just your story, I have seen many episodes of that American show Cheaters, and many times the poor wife/partner is standing there in tears, and he is still ripping into her and saying such hateful and cruel things. I don't understand. Why? Surely their guilty conscience would tell them that they've hurt you enough. Why on earth do they compound it by taunting and cruelty? I don't understand why, and I've spent the last couple of hours reading this thread feeling my heart breaking for you, and your poor daughters. I have no real advice to give you, but I feel like I wish I could just reach through my laptop screen and put my arms around you and hug you for a long time. I am so sorry. I know that nothing can really take away the pain in a situation like this, not even well-meaning words or hugs can console one enough. But I am sending you from my heart hugs. I am so sorry and I hope and pray that things will look up for you and your daughters. FlowersCake xo

LadyBrienneofTarth · 01/08/2019 23:20

@Mylifestartstoday we can help with that

Ok ladies - let's give Mylife a to do list so she can focus on and prepare for and start living her new life ahead and not let dickface drag her down because of his own inadequacies

  1. Your new life starts right now - let's make a list of things to do
  2. Gather and secure all legal docs - birth, marriage, passports, etc
  3. .....(ok mnetters help!!!!)
Devilrocknroller · 02/08/2019 00:09
  1. Plan some days out with your girlfriends or kids! Go to the movies! Best tip I can give is always have distractions. If you start thinking about him or think about messaging him, don't just sit there and think about it, turn the TV on, walk the dog, go to the movies. Finding the motivation in the moment will be hard, but trust me when I say it will save your head!
Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 03:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 02/08/2019 05:28
  1. Protect your financial health - Get a shl (shit hot lawyer) and ask them how to protect yourself financially - make sure you follow what they tell you regarding finances (so many of us haven't focused on the money due to the emotional pain and then later lived to regret it)
LadyBrienneofTarth · 02/08/2019 05:31
  1. Protect your mental health - see your gp and be honest - book two follow up appointments in 4 weeks times and 6 weeks after that - go to the appointments no matter what
MyOtherProfile · 02/08/2019 05:48

Sorry things have come to this. Have you got a solicitor lined up now?

Devilrocknroller · 02/08/2019 06:11
  1. I know this one will sound strange, but bear with me! Have a look at the things around you. Your beautiful kids. Your friends. Be thankful for the things you have. And be thankful that he can’t do anything to you anymore! You are your own woman in charge of your own life with your beautiful children! Embrace the things that make you happy
thepinkp · 02/08/2019 07:14

Write a bullet point lost of all the vile comments and lies he's told you. When you feel a wobble coming on.. take another look at that list! 😘

Mylifestartstoday · 02/08/2019 08:50

Everyone has been so kind, I was really reluctant to post, but I’m pleased I did. I want to thank everyone for being so supportive.
After taking your advice, I’ve got another GP appointment later today. I really don’t feel well, so just want to make sure I’m getting the right help. I’ve applied to go on a list for a shared ownership house. If we sell this I won’t have enough to buy outright and wouldn’t get a mortgage but if I get the equity I will only have the rent part to pay.
I’ve booked the 3 of us to go camping for a few days next week. I’ve never been camping, it’s really not my thing, but it’s cheap and it’s away from here and that’s what we need at the minute. We need to start making memories just the 3 of us.
I’ve no interest in my own garden anymore so I’m going to help my friend do hers when I get the time, in between being taxi service to the girls.

SandyY2K · 02/08/2019 12:44

we don’t trust him. I don’t think I would ever trust him. He could wear a tag and a camera and I still would be suspicious

I don't blame you one little bit for not trusting him.

He's let you and the girls down terribly. I do hope they'll be okay.

You're doing very well OP. It's tough going, but you're showing strength, even though you may not feel it.

He had no intention of leaving you. He just wanted it all.

Mylifestartstoday · 02/08/2019 14:23

I can’t get a shared ownership, based on affordability

Mylifestartstoday · 03/08/2019 08:43

Well, last night he finally admitted he was still seeing the OW. Felt like a punch in the stomach because, even though I couldn’t have him back, he’s chosen her over us.
My daughter has messaged him telling him she never wants to see him again (I didn’t know she’d done that until this morning). No response from him.
The other daughter is self harming, he obviously doesn’t give a shit because he’s gone ‘official’ with the woman, so I guess they’ve told work.
Half hour after daughter sent that message I got an email from him, which I thought was very random considering he’s just told me about the OW, but of course timing wise it now makes sense because he’s received my daughters message. It was random because he was talking about how he would have liked to reconcile but my bitterness and anger over his affair was stopping him, and the fact I’m trying to sort financials out is breaking his heart because I’m being so matter of fact about it. You couldn’t make this shit up. So it’s my fault he had an affair in the first place (bad wife, bad mother blah blah) but I’m also at fault for him not coming home (angry and bitter and I’m affecting his mental health blah blah). Nothing about his daughters mental health, or mine, just him.
He wants to come over tomorrow and discuss finances but I’m not up to it. He couldn’t come yesterday or today because he’s working, and it’s more convenient for him to stay with her near to work.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 03/08/2019 09:22

This is not your fault
He didn't accident slip over a dog and his penis slipped into someone by mistake
He did this despite 50 thousand opportunities to make different choices including addressing issues in the marriage
He's a dick face dog turd with zero courage and less character
You are strong and you have dignity

In the words of Ivana Trump
Don't get mad - get everything

Winterlife · 03/08/2019 09:51

He will gaslight you on finances.

Would it be easier to do it on your own and then confirm everything through solicitors?

MyOtherProfile · 03/08/2019 11:10

He is trying to get it in writing that you are in the wrong. Perhaps reply stating that the fact his affair is ongoing is the biggest obstacle to reconciliation.