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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband having affair

786 replies

Idontwanttoregister · 30/06/2019 02:48

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

OP posts:
Mylifestartstoday · 29/07/2019 16:37

@Overseasmom100. I can see where it’s going, but he’s in for a huge shock. He’s not sure what he wants, he’s not feeling well, it’s still all about him. He still isn’t being honest, he’s still keeping the OW hanging on. I bet she feels really special. He doesn’t seem to think that I have a say in what happens

KOKOtiltomorrow · 29/07/2019 17:16

Agree that he’s trying to test the waters about coming back. Disclaimer: my H left me to have a relationship with another woman but the marriage was in trouble and I was drinking heavily and being abusive at times. We are trying again and we’ve both made positive changes.

You are in many ways in the driving seat. 100% he is realising what he’s lost. Stay strong and get the outcome YOU want Flowers

Alfiemoon1 · 29/07/2019 18:44

Op you are being so strong. It is hard when kids are teenagers for them not to know what’s going on I know mine have ears like hawks when I don’t want them to know something and they pick up on stuff. I think you are doing the right thing they are old enough to communicate directly with their dad and should be allowed to decide if they want to see him or not

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 29/07/2019 20:52

Find the crappiest pair of shoes you own and give them to your shitty soon to be ex husband to give to the other woman. She will soon be wearing them. How you gain a man is how you lose them
Keep your head up
You are very strong.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 29/07/2019 21:35

If he’d ever had any intention of being with the OW then he would have left when her husband found out. He never had any intention of going, of leaving you and his family and his home. Now you’ve found out and forced him into a position he never wanted to be in. This is why he’s so angry with you, and feeling so sorry for himself. You’ve forced his hand, as far as he’s concerned. It had nothing to do with his own behaviour. Poor, poor little man 🙄

MidgetRed · 29/07/2019 22:10

OP I've read your whole thread and I didn't want to read and dash - I think you're doing amazingly well in the face of some massive fuckwittery from your husband- he sounds like an absolute manchild. Remember that you do not owe anyone anything (explanations or defences about the way you are handling things), and that to your daughters, you are an absolute heroine. Totally cheering you on through this shitshow that HE has created ThanksThanks

Overseasmom100 · 29/07/2019 22:28

OP how did things pan out tonight? Did you talk anymore

Mylifestartstoday · 30/07/2019 09:12

@Overseasmom100. Not really. He sat in the garden crying into the dog, I stayed inside trying to be normal. At one point he started getting frustrated so I just walked away, after that he was fine with me.
When he left (I kicked him out because I had to take my daughter to work) he said he loved me and the girls and came to hug me. I must admit I nearly cried but managed not to, just stood there with my arms by my sides. I know I could get him to come back tomorrow but I don’t want him. I want the old him, who I fell in love with 20 years ago, but I don’t like the person he’s become.

Overseasmom100 · 30/07/2019 12:44

Bless you, what a idiot he is eh?
I still wonder why he's turning to do a 3 point turn - what has kicked off with OW - maybe her child with him saying he doesnt like the child.

But anyway he needs to build bridges with his own DC!!!

beanaseireann · 30/07/2019 15:27

He made his bed etc.
Stay strong OP.

thepinkp · 30/07/2019 16:48

Having read through this all I just wanted to say how incredibly strong your being, don't fall for the 'poor me' trick. I very much doubt he gave you a second thought all the time he was having such fun with the OW. He deserves no sympathy, I often read how these men turn it around and it's all your fault. It isn't, far from it! He made the. Voice to gamble his beautiful family away for the sake of a quick thrill.. sod him. Big hugs lady, you've got this xx

whatareyoudoing · 30/07/2019 19:00

Maybe ow has decided she doesn't want him either and he's trying to crawl back to you. Stay strong op.

Winterlife · 30/07/2019 19:12

OP said her soon to be ex doesn’t like OW’s child.

bikermich · 30/07/2019 19:37

I know how you feel. I had the same this year. After 27 years & 2 kids aged 11 & 4 my husband started being off after a night out last November. By February he kept saying he'd changed, I'd got to change I wouldn't change..... sent me mad. Locked his phone, started smoking.....(he was 40 last October). Left me after a row in April and 'moved on'..... reading between the lines he met her and spent months torturing me.....I was the same lost lots of weight, felt sick, nearly had a breakdown.....he was a good dad, everyone thought a lot of him ...4 months on he's now moaning he's being blanked by people & he has no money!!!!! Keep going....

bikermich · 30/07/2019 19:39

**17 years....not 27

Mylifestartstoday · 30/07/2019 20:19

@bikermich. How are you now? I know you’re not that far ahead, just want a bit of hope!! He sounds just like mine, very well thought of, very respected at work (probably not now) everyone loved him, great dad, great husband etc

Mylifestartstoday · 31/07/2019 11:13

Struggling this morning. Want him back, don’t really, I want what we had. He’s now being nice which is messing with my head. He’s turning it all around, I threw him out, I’m putting the house up for sale, he seems to have forgotten why?
My daughter saw a counselor yesterday but she didn’t really like opening up, I don’t know what to do to help her, the youngest is in bed after being sick.
He gets to walk away, do what he wants, and I’m left dealing with everything.

Pitlanejane · 31/07/2019 11:23

He sounds like a right dickhead OP. Don’t take him back. You will regret it. I tried this and wasted the next 3 years of my life, often humiliating myself in the process. I am so much stronger since we split for good 4 years ago. Love my life now and he isn’t given a 2nd thought. You wouldn’t treat your worst enemy as badly as he has treated you. Don’t fall for his pathetic tears and bullshit as that’s what they are. If he loved you he wouldn’t have done what he did. It’s all become a damage limitation exercise for him by the sounds of it now.

MadeForThis · 31/07/2019 17:30

How dare he turn it around on you. 18 months he lied to you every day. He is giving you zero financial support for your dc. You need to go nc for your own sanity.

Winterlife · 31/07/2019 18:08

You didn't throw him out, though. You found out about his affair, he said he regretted marrying you, and decided to go stay with his father. So he's still blaming you for everything.

What you decide to do is your own decision. I can sort of see wanting to reconcile after 18 years. It seems to me he doesn't love the OW. However, he is not taking any responsibility for breaking apart your family. He wants you to shoulder the blame for his infidelity. I don't know how you could have a healthy relationship if he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his affair.

Mylifestartstoday · 31/07/2019 18:39

I’m just struggling, the last few days have been so hard. I don’t want to throw 20 years away, but he did that not me. Now I’m starting to doubt myself, did I drive him to it? If I had been a better wife, and not ill would he still be here?
He says he doesn’t feel very well mentally, well join the club. Last night I wanted to just ring him and tell him to move back in and I would go home to my family (150 miles away). I just feel so alone, no one in his family have been in touch. At the minute it’s a struggle to get through each day

bikermich · 31/07/2019 19:06

I'm like you I want my life back, the one I thought was real where we went on holiday as a family, festivals etc etc.....I asked him last week if we could sort it out...he said, no..he needed someone to boost him up when he was down and didn't do that anymore.....but then a new woman will, after 17 years you assume your partner knows whats going off and doesn't need reassuring that he's loved. The grass is greener.... :-( x

bikermich · 31/07/2019 19:12

@Mylifestartstoday is scarey how shallow this men can be. Someone else said to me if a friend treated you this way, would you still be friends. As a mother though its hard to watch your children lose their stability, family life, mum & dad doing stuff together. I nearly had a breakdown and I consider myself a strong and independent woman but its broken me. He also said he wanted something different and maybe he is selfish? How does this happen??

Winterlife · 31/07/2019 19:14

I’m sorry OP. But in the end, he chose to sleep with someone else rather than to tell you if he was unhappy with you.

I’ve been married 35 years. You can get into patterns of complacency because you know each other so well. But you don’t deal with your boredom, or your frustration, by sticking your dick in another woman.

Your husband doesn’t want to take any responsibility for what he’s done. He is shifting the blame to you. You can’t have a healthy relationship until he owns his fault.

I suspect the OW was an escape for him. She probably wasn’t someone he assumed he’d live with. Add to that he will lose half his assets, and there’s the incentive to reconcile. Plus your daughters’ attitude. He probably didn’t anticipate that, he assumed they’d be neutral, which may be why he’s avoiding them.

I think you shouldn’t make any decisions about reconciliation until you have sorted out your own feelings and what you want going forward.

Overseasmom100 · 31/07/2019 19:32

Bless you OP. I think you need to take a step back it's all getting too much for you and yes it is so shitty of him to mess with your head.

Would you consider going to counselling together...not saying stop what you are planning to do but you need to talk but he needs to step in your shoes and hear how your world has been turned upside down. A 3rd party would be able to mediate this so he can perhaps see it from your point of view.