Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

hadthesnip2 I'm sorry but I don't agree with you on that . Children do NOT know their minds at that age and they cannot understand the complexity of life . They are very black and white . Children should NOT be giving ultimatums to any parent and you are not doing your daughter any favours by not encouraging her to keep contact with her mother . Shit happens! It's life .

The op is here for help and support during a horrible time for her and her children, penguin, not to be had a go at.

It's easy to pass judgment from behind a keyboard on something that you've never experienced and be holier than thou.

DD can make up her own mind whether she wishes to see her father or not and is old enough to make that decision. He needs to see and hear the consequences of his actions

I have been that girl, so I know.

But a parent who loves their children wouldn’t be fucking around in the first place.

The child’s life and security had been broken by the parent’s betrayal. In each of these cases, the parent had effectively told the child how important that child is in the parent’s life, and the message is “not very”.

*has

Keep strong op you are doing fantastic. 💐💐💐

I'm not having a go at her - I am saying that I think OP would find the whole situation a lot less traumatic if she didn't involve her children in it . Yes- I do know the theory that a parent who loves their children wouldn't be fucking around in the first place - I actually referred to that in my post .

Her husband has involved her children in by having an affair in the first place and blowing up their lives. Her kids are 14 and 16, very neat adulthood, you can't hide what he's done from them. If they were 4 and 6 I would agree with you but they are not.

@thestuffedpenguin At 16 some people are living alone and working full time. Of course they know their mind and can make their own choices about whether they want to continue a relationship with a parent in these circumstances. As for no child giving a parent an ultimatum, this isn't Victorian times. These teenagers have every right to protect themselves and put their own boundaries in place in terms of the treatment they are prepared to accept from someone, even a parent. I found the comment about OP involving her children particularly laughable, as I'm not sure how you think one parent can push the self destruct button on their family, walk away, not respond to their children's messages, openly accuse their children's mother (in front of the children) of forcing them to seek an affair because of her supposed inadequacy WITHOUT the children being involved. When you have kids, your marriage is not conducted in a vacuum. Everything involves the children by default. It isn't OP's job to build bridges between him and his children. The kids have sent multiple messages that he has failed to respond to. They have asked questions that he has refused to answer. His relationship with his kids is his responsibility.

@thestuffedpenguin. You’ve got it wrong about including my daughters, I should have been clearer. What happened was he asked if he could see her, she agreed and so he went into the bedroom. I stood within heading distance, and when I heard her asking him that question I went in and said it was time to leave and started walking to the door. She didn’t want me in the room while she was speaking to him, she’s 14. I went in as soon as I heard what she said. I try to keep them out of it, but she wanted to see him alone.

I already said that . Of course people will have different attitudes about it . We choose to disagree on this point .

It's easy to pass judgment from behind a keyboard on something that you've never experienced and be holier than thou.

WTF is that all about ? You know my situation ?

OP in that case I apologise . It's not the impression I got from the thread . I obviously misread .

whatsinaname

It isn't OP's job to build bridges between him and his children.

That comment I made was NOT to OP . It's sad when people don't read comments properly. It was too Snip.

I feel the need to defend myself.

He had an affair, I found out. I asked him in the bedroom about it, he started shouting that yes the had because he hates me etc, I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. We have a very small house, you can hear a butterfly fart, the girls couldn’t help but hear.
He came the next day and asked my youngest to ask me all about the PND I’d suffered and how he had to Look after them (also known as parenting) I then had to explain to her what PND was. He then shouted at her because she was trying to defend me. He then walked out.

In four weeks they’ve had a nightly message from him “love you”. They have messaged him asking for answers, which he ignores. They feel he loves the other woman more than he loves them. She was in her bedroom with him and asked him. As soon as I heard I went in and cut the conversation down
He says he’s not moving in with the other woman and hates her kid, so my daughter is confused as to why he’s wrecked her life for nothing. She is a very naive and doesn’t understand the sexual element very well, how for some men it’s just sex
It is not down to me to facilitate contact, they are 14 and 16 and I shouldn’t have to be there in order for him to see them. She wanted to know, she asked him. He didn’t respond. To her, it really is black and white. I’ve said all the shite about ‘the love he feels for you is different from the love he feels for her’ while dying inside, but I’ve done it. I won’t keep continuing to do it. That’s down to him.

Our elder daughter is self harming. He hasn’t even phoned her to see how she’s doing. I’ve organised for her privately. To see a counsellor He’s done fuck all. I’ll be paying out of the money he hasn’t given me (also known as asking my dad). He doesn’t understand why she doesn’t want to see him.
When he left he shoved £20 through the door, and messaged the eldest to tell her. He involved her. He left us with mo money, and still hasn’t given us any. My dad has been sending money down. I’ve had a food shop delivered from one of the mums at school (who I barely know), my friend has done and paid for another food shop for me. He gets paid Thursday and he’s “going to let me know” how much he can spare!!
I am not his mother, nor his wife anymore. He’s made a decision, he needs to live with it.

I stand by my comment Penguin and I'm not the one apologising for getting the wrong end of the stick.
Anyway, this is a support thread for the OP.
@Mylifestartstoday I hope you have a better day. It will get better and your girls will be fine, trust me (from a woman who's father did the same thing).

That comment I made was NOT to OP . It's sad when people don't read comments properly. It was too Snip.
Yes I know that. Your comment was not complex or difficult to understand, it's just that the comment that @hadthesnip2 made regarding his kids was essentially identical to OP's situation and after all, this is her thread 👍You're not helping anyway and if you do have experience of this situation as you've implied, it's done nothing to teach you any empathy or much about the complexities of the children's reactions/whose responsibility it is to arrange and facilitate contact etc.

OP you don't have to defend yourself. The vast, vast majority of posters can see exactly what's going on.

If the nightly texts from him whilst ignoring the texts the kids are sending are exacerbating the children's pain, maybe there are practical ways that the impact of this can be reduced. They must be spending a lot of their time anticipating messages from him, or hoping for replies that never materialise, or writing messages. Perhaps he needs to be blocked from yours and the children's phones, and you all use a separate mobile to send and receive communications with him at set times. Say, Mondays and Thursdays from 6pm-7pm you will be checking for messages and the kids will be able to read any messages marked for them, but no messages will be sent or received outside these windows. Urgent messages can be conveyed via solicitor. Maybe this would free the kids' headspace up outside these times? It's torture when you're waiting for a reply or wondering whether to text someone in circumstances like this. Just an idea. And worth running it by your solicitor in case it can be construed as you preventing a relationship between him and the kids somehow.

@Mylifestartstoday he can’t ‘let you know’ how much money he will give you for the children. There’s laws and calculations and ways to enforce him paying so you aren’t in a situation where you have a few quid left.
Make him bloody pay!

Just sending you virtual support and net hug

He's such a stupidtwatknobdickface

@GettickledGETTICKLEDbyspiders I know, he just keeps coming out with crap like this. The other week he said he needed to know what benefits I’m going to get because I might actually owe him some. Couldn’t get through to him that it doesn’t work like that. He hasn’t mentioned it since as he was going to speak to his solicitor and I assume she told him he’s being a knob.
Had the house valued today but I’m going too quickly for him. He can’t process the speed I’m going. Honestly, he’s an absolute fuckwit.

Fuckwittwatknobdickface

Well done @Mylifestartstoday keep going you're well rid of him. Honestly, I think he'll be left all alone pretty soon and you'll be glad he's gone. He is a right knob! Good luck OP you're going to be much better in the long run 💐

Please stop everyone - OP is on here as a release and yes for some advice from others who have been down this route sadly but please give her a break she shouldn't have to defend herself. It's awful just awful enough for her.

OP are you any nearer gaining advice from a solicitor that may help to put things in perspective - they deal with this day in day out and may even give you some useful advice on the children situation.

Keep posting OP we;re here for you

@overseasmom100. I’ve got a really good solicitor, so I think financially we will be ok, not well off, but we will be able to manage. Looking into shared ownership housing, not ideal, but it’s an option.
He’s come round to do some jobs, he’s currently sitting crying in the garden with the dog, while I’m in the house.
I’m pleased I’ve seen him because I’ve been dreading it, but it’s actually made a lot of things clearer. God, I love him and when I saw him my heart skipped, but I know there is no going back

Bless you. I have a gut feeling where this is going. He is regretting what he's done. He's realised he's loosing his family, his children, you ...strangely men dont realise this whilst they are in the throws of doing what they're doing

Would be interesting to know what he has said to OW.

Stay strong...you cant just "unlove" someone just like that...

@Mylifestartstoday you have amazing strength and resolve through such a difficult time - just wanted to pop in to be your cheer squad - keep going - with each step you get stronger - it's hard to cope with being hurt by someone who is supposed to love you - it's alright to not cope as needed (if that makes sense)