Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

He's threatening you with a strongly worded letter from his solicitor - bin that then.

I get that you're really angry and hurt OP and of course he is trying to blame this on you, that's what guilty people do try and blame everyone else.

I think you need to try and find a way to cope with your feelings and work through your anger, are you able to call Relate or look at some online counselling materials? to make yourself stronger, if it helps you can search on here for some previous threads where similar things have happened and the OP has been much happier down the line.

He's panicking.

Trying to blame you for everything.

Grey rock him.

You are coping.

You're doing well.

You're under attack from him.

Stay calm. Don't respond to his hysteria and drama.

Hopefully, you can detach more and more from him.

@Mummy0ftwo12. I am very angry, I’ve never been more angry in my life. I know it’s not healthy, I just can’t believe he has done this to us and is still lying and cheating. He just seemed to change overnight, I just can’t get my head around it. I hate the uncertainty of where we will live, and he won’t give any answers. He seems happy for us to be out on the streets
I have the number of a counsellor who is very good but I can’t afford it at the minute as he won’t give me any money.

He’s reported me to his solicitor and I’m to expect a strongly worded letter about the last message I sent him

I’m sorry, this made me laugh. You know you should be quaking in your boots? What a fucking pathetic piece of shit he is. 💐 for you.

Good OP you are now in the angry stages. Grey rock him definitely!!!!

I’m trying to grey rock him, it’s a slow process. I’ve had to speak with him yesterday about a daughter but I was very calm, just said what I had to say. He tried to engage in conversation but I just ignored and kept the subject on her. He seems regretful at what he’s done, just a shame it’s 18 months too late

There will be a sudden realisation for him also AND he may just may want to come back particularly if he's feeling regretful.

Keep posting my lovely we are here to listen and help if we can

Well done on not engaging in conversation with him it’s so difficult not to when you have been with someone so long

What an absolute wanker of a man. He is behaving atrociously to you and your dd’s. He can’t see past his own needs at all. How dare he take all the money! And blame you for him sticking his dick in another woman. Shame he didn’t want a real relationship with her, just use her as a receptacle for his testicles. He’s stuck with her now. What a bastard.

He doesn’t want to sell the house, it seems “too soon”. He checked out ages ago, what’s the point staying here when it has to be sold, I’d rather just get on with it. Isn’t happy I’ve got an estate agent coming.
I think he realises he’s made a terrible mistake, but it’s too late for me. He’s keeping the OW dangling too I think

Tough shit, isn't it?

He should have thought of the consequences of his actions.

What a berk.

Think it's now hitting home, he didn't expect you to find out about OW hoping to carry on with double life.

Getting valuation from estate agents will at least let you know what equity you have to work with.

It’s definitely hitting home. He hasn’t moved in with her, he sees her when he needs to stay over for work (I think, I may be wrong), it seems like he’s using her. I don’t think he ever thought I would find out, I do wonder what would have happened had I not looked at his phone, would it have fizzled out?
I know her husband found out about them and they divorced. I then think my ex felt guilty and kept promising her he would leave us, but didn’t really want to. He wanted his cake and eat it. He hasn’t seen his children for 4 weeks, and it’s sinking in that they really don’t want to see him and it’s not me stopping them. They have tried texting but he doesn’t answer their questions so they’ve muted him and just don’t look.
Drove past his dad earlier, I drove purposely slowly so he’d see us. He looked shocked, didn’t know what to do. The girls got a half hearted attempt at a wave. I just looked at him. This is the grandad who threatened to come round whenever he wanted and I wasn’t going to stop him seeing them. One has had one phone call in 4 weeks, the other has had one email. That’s it, no offer of help, no wanting to see them.

OP
You are doing well after such a shock.
Tty try try to stop thinking about what hes doing ( and why ) and stop thinking about the OW.
Has your dad been to visit ?
Has your brother visited ?

My dad hasn’t been well and my brother is away on holiday, but out of all of this mess, at least we’ve built bridges.
I do need to stop thinking what my ex is doing, but it’s so hard, but I a, getting better. I went a whole day without crying, so that’s a result!

Well done, KOKO💐

I've been meaning to ask what ESA stands for. I'm in the US and was wondering about your illness. Been out on leave for more than a year and the doctor says I won't be able to return. Two autoimmune diseases and complications from the meds.

I'm so sorry and understand completely about your illness. If my husband and I split up I would be in the same boat as you, although the kids are grown, and I've been married so long he would have to share pension. But it would be very hard to afford even a one bedroom and going back to work isn't an option. Older than you but not old enough for Social Security.

I think you're doing great; you're being proactive rather than just giving up and letting life happen to you. He's an ass and probably never thought you'd find out. You're right to separate. Even worse than knowing he cheated is always wondering if he is now or will again.

He’s been around. Doesn’t know what he wants apparently. Wouldn’t answer when I asked if he loved her, only that he was confused and didn’t like her child so wouldn’t be moving in with her!
My youngest (14) asked him to choose between the woman and her, and he said that’s not fair on him. So she’s told him she doesn’t want to see him until he puts her first. I’m trying to be a good mother, telling her her dad loves her etc, but I don’t see why I should do his job for him.
In the end it was getting tense between them because he wouldn’t answer direct questions so I stood up and moved towards the door do he got the hint.
She’s now distraught. I feel surprisingly calm. I did cry when he was here but am ok. I haven’t received the sols letter (I think it’s gone to my sol) but basically he objected to being called a piece of shit and a fucker so shes written to me asking all correspondents be via her. Which is fine, I said, but he will only know about his children about 2 weeks after the event, if I remember to email her. He wants all to go through sols, I’ve told him there’s no way I’m paying my solicitor to tell his solicitor when something needs communicating about the house or children.
He would go to counselling with me, 18 months too late.

Of course he'd go to counseling. At this point he's realized he's messed up everything and doesn't know what to do or how to fix it.

Actually, counseling could be a good idea for both of you. In couples counseling, both people are encouraged to have individual therapy, eventually starting joint counseling. I am in NO way advocating that you take him back, but...
if you agree to counseling, you're not promising reconciliation. Many people end up using those joint sessions to find the best way to end their relationship. One that will have the least negative effect on your children. The individual therapy will help you decide what you want your future to look like. It will provide you with the tools you need to deal with him and the divorce.

If you decide to do this set the guidelines. You will have more power if he wants you to take him back, which would help your living situation.

These would be my rules.

While undergoing counseling:
No moving back in.
He will pay for any incurred expenses related to counseling.
He'll make sure you have financial security during that time. (If you're worried about the bills you can't really concentrate on your relationship, right? 😉)
No dating or relationships with anyone else by either of you. (Sends him the message that he's not the only one who can move on.)
Individual counseling for each of you BEFORE starting joint.
He has to improve his behavior with the dc.
Put a time limit on the situation.

If you choose to do this, you're buying time to get your ducks in a row so you have a stronger negotiating position. You're making sure he takes care of his children and doesn't leave you financially stranded. You'll get help in handling your emotions and be better equipped to deal with the future. He can't say you didn't try.

This isn't using him or lying. He wants the chance; take it and take the benefits as well. Joint counseling isn't reconciliation. You'd be making no promises and neither would he. Look at it as a severance package of sorts. He wrecked your marriage and he owes it to you to fix what he can.

💜

Wow...he's wavering definitely. Wonder what has kicked off with ow and her child. Wonder if she knows he's thinking all this!
Is this part of The Script anyone???

Stay strong OP

He would go to counselling with me, 18 months too late.

With is his intended outcome from counselling considering he's still having an affair.

Is it counselling with a view to try and separate amicably (too late for that) and co-parent?

@sandy. I have no idea. I don’t think he does. I do think he’s had a breakdown of some sort, and if it hadn’t included infidelity I would have helped him but for whatever reason he chose to have an affair so there is no going back.
I/we don’t trust him. I don’t think I would ever trust him. He could wear a tag and a camera and I still would be suspicious. It’s such a shame, we really were very happy before his affair, although he obviously wasn’t in hindsight.
He’s coming today to do some jobs to get the house on the market, although it’s ‘too soon’ for him

All the stages you have gone through are natural -if I had a pound for every post I read on here where a woman thinks her H is having a breakdown because he is having an affair I would be elsewhere . The thing that does strike me is you involving your daughters so much in this and yes I realise he has involved them by having an affair BUT this is not appropriate . There is no way on this earth that your daughter should be in the position of asking her father to choose between her and OW. That is just wrong ! Of course they know you are upset etc BUT this is adult business - between you and him !
I know you are fearful of a future without him - everyone in your situation has that feeling at sometime but you have to move forward now and stop listening to all the shite that is coming out of his mouth ! I fear that you are still at the stage of " any contact no matter how awful is good contact " but that will pass. Would you take him back ?

Did you get the CSA or CMS I think it’s called now arranged?
The sooner you do the sooner you will get it. Even if it’s £10 a month you should bloody have it!

Hi OP. I haven't read the full thread but I wanted to comment on your current situation with regard to your daughter not wanting to see him.

I'm in a similar situation & I think its best to support your dc. My kids fell out with their mum last xmas & they all Jo's live with me. They basically gave her an ultimation of them of her new boyfriend (I've been divorced from her for 9 years) & she choose him. My daughter has not spoken to her mum since. Its very sad but at that age I believe they know their own minds & can understand what it all means.