Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

@Overseasmom100 good. No need for that kind of comment. She's going through enough. X

Not great. I’m just not coping. I thought he would be back crawling for forgiveness and the fact he hasn’t is killing me. He goes from being nice to nasty in seconds, I’ve had to block him again on my phone. He wants to go to mediation but I’ve refused because he can’t control his emotions. He’s so angry at me, yet I’m the one who hasn’t done anything. 18 months affair, and it’s all my fault. I just can’t get over the nastiness. He’s still seeing her I think, although not moved in. He still hasn’t asked the girls to see them. I know it’s because he knows what the answer would be, but still I would have thought he would be desperate. 18 days he’s been gone, and it’s getting harder. Oh, and the thing that’s really annoyed him is that I’ve got a solicitor! Said that money should be spent on the girls, shame he didn’t think the same when he was buying that woman expensive gifts and taking her for days out.

He wasn't so bothered about making sure the girls got all the money when he was emptying your bank account either!

Of course you're still hurting lovely, sadly you probably will for a while, he's completely pulled the rug from under your feet, totally changed your world. You'll have ups and downs. But you will get there.x

Hope you have a peaceful weekend OP.

Your a very brave woman! All credit to you. Keep strong and never lose ok back, he deserves no more of your tears. Hugs XX

I don’t feel strong. I weakened and did the pick me dance, I don’t know why, I wish I could explain why. Anyway, he didn’t answer so I guess that’s that 😂. Three weeks in and I’m getting worse, it’s becoming so real

It’s a grieving process... good days, bad days, days you can cope, days getting out of bed is a struggle.. you’ve lost the person you loved, relied on, trusted, lived your entire life with.. that person doesn’t exist anymore. It gets easier with time it really does.. hang in there you’re doing great... I think most of us have done the pick me dance, I know I did more than once. The unreal thing is 3 years on I’m living my life and he’s alone and trying to worm his way back... who’s doing the pick me dance now.. your time will come believe in yourself xxxx

Oddly enough I take no pleasure in seeing how things have turned out for him.. just sadness at what its done to the children and our family. There are days where I still miss my old life, no worry, heartache, are the kids ok, planning decorating, holidays, days out, food shopping together that sort of thing. But it’s a chapter of my life that’s gone and i don’t have to worry where the hell he is and if he’s with her... I let go of that long ago and it was that that used to kill me xxx

(Hugs OP) take it one day at a time, did you speak to a second solicitor yet? also, if he is staying with his parents/OW then presumably financially he can carry on paying the mortgage / bills / school fess until this is resolved?

Bless you OP. You will get there just take every day as it comes. It is a process. He isnt the man you married sadly he checked out long ago. I hope you are sleeping abit better.

I’m still not sleeping. I’ve realised no amount of trying to talk to him will help. He won’t talk, I think he’s having some kind of breakdown (not making excuses), but that’s not my problem. I have started getting all the financial details together for the solicitor. I need to send her my marriage certificate, I know I have to divorce him, it just feels so final (I suppose am 18 month affair does that 😂)
I think he’s still seeing her, but I think it’s convenience more than anything (location of work and her house v location of his dads). He’s already told me he doesn’t see a future with her, but I think they’ll end up together due to circumstances. I think he feels a duty to her because her marriage ended in divorce because of him so feels he owes her. I’ve also found a secret account, and I think he squirreled away the proceeds of our last house sale two years ago into it, just in his sole name. I’m onto my solicitor in the morning about it.
My youngest, 14, is taking it really badly. She’s sleeping in my room still, doesn’t want to be on her own, talking and shouting in her sleep, thrashing around. She’s asleep on the sofa at the minute. I wonder if he has any real idea what he’s done?

Don't concern yourself over what's happening to him or with him and his ow.

Do not give him and his welfare any headspace.

It's purely all about you now and making sure you and your dcs are okay.

I know I shouldn’t, I just keep trying to make sense of what he’s done because it’s so out of character. It’s all about him, how he feels, how his head is a mess. He hasn’t once asked if I’m ok, or the girls, or even the dogs. It’s all about him, and how he doesn’t feel well mentally. It’s like he wants sympathy. He even said last time we spoke he doesn’t know what he wants, as though he could walk back in if he chose to? I haven’t even had a sorry, he’s turned into a selfish bastard.

So ignore him. You have to. He will sap you of what you have left.

I’ve just discovered my eldest has self harmed. Because her dad hasn’t returned her texts. Fucker can go and rot now.

I hope she's okay!

Why not tell him you have too much to contend with at the moment and can’t deal with his emotions on top of everything else? All the time you are in contact and engaging with how messed up he feels you are hurting yourself or allowing him to hurt you. Could you cut contact for a while? Sorry this is happening to you OP and also that your daughter is obviously suffering too

I’ve finally cut all contact. I’m ashamed to say it’s taken my daughter harming herself to get the resolve to do it. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to keep the channels of communication open with him. I’m done, just pulling all the financials for the solicitor and she can deal with him.
He doesn’t seem that concerned about her, hasn’t tried to contact me to see what medical assistance I’m getting for her, how she is, nothing. He’s messaged her directly but she’s had to block him because it’s still all about him

Your poor daughter and you. Stay as strong as you are able for her. It will get better in the long term and your relationship will be so strong. My Dds and I have been through a lot. She (and me) were in a bad place a few years back. We muddled through. Something very wrong happened at school this week. My Dd not only confided in me, her mum, but then told the others off for being afraid of the perpetrator - in front of the perpetrator! In a way the bad thing years ago brought us closer for her and you. Gain strength from each other x
On a practical note, document it all. Screenshots are good .

Keep strong x

Stay strong OP.

How is DD doing? A trip to the GP for a CAHMS referral is an idea, along with pastoral support at her school.

Don’t talk to the fucker directly any more, go through solicitors only. Don’t update him on his DC, he can’t even be arsed to return his child’s text messages so fuck him.

Keep talking to us.

I’ve got her an apt with the GP.. at her age (16) do I have to tell him about the appointment? I don’t want to engage, but don’t want his solicitor on my back either.
I don’t want to speak to him at all after this, I’ve told him in no uncertain terms. He did email last night about maintenance and then asked how she was. I’m not replying, now he knows what it’s like to be ignored as he’s done to me for three weeks. Now he’s trying to play dad of the year. Both girls got a love you with all my heart message last night. Oldest just said fuck him, youngest just blocked him!

Absolutely not, you’re under no obligation to tell him anything.

Has she self harmed before or is this a new thing due to the emotional upheaval?

Another abusive phone call last night. I made my daughter hurt herself, because if I had made him happy he wouldn’t have had to look elsewhere. He’s reported me to his solicitor and I’m to expect a strongly worded letter about the last message I sent him ( I may have called him a piece of shit and a fucker, when I told him about our daughter). She harmed herself because of me, if I had been a better mother and a wife he would never have strayed.
The youngest has messaged him, heartbreaking message, he hasn’t answered any of her questions, just sent love you. That’s it, yet he complains to his solicitor that I’m stopping contact. I’ve emailed his solicitor directly (I can’t afford to do everything through a solicitor) and advised that I won’t tolerate her client calling me being verbally abusive and threatening to come round at 11pm. And a,so I’m not stopping contact, and I’m sure she’s told her client I don’t have to facilitate contact with his children.
I’m not coping, I’ve had a friend phone me and tell me off for talking to her the previous night when my daughter was there (she popped in and out of the room for stuff). She thinks it’s inappropriate that my daughter could hear. It’s a shame my husband didn’t think of being appropriate when he left shouting and raging that I’m a crap wife and mother, and he’s had to have sex elsewhere because of me. They know everything because of him, not me, now I feel as though I have to keep everything in, and I feel like I’m going to explode

None of this is your fault OP.

Also, your DDs are old enough to have a court take their views into account, and they would not force you to force them to have contact.

He’s an abusive bastard, keep records of everything, call Womens Aid.

Your friend is a bit of a twat as well, your DDs aren’t stupid, they know full well what’s going on even without over hearing, because of how their father is behaving towards them.