Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

There isn’t anything on this thread that can change their divorce outcome.
If anything - he’ll get a dose of reality that he will need to step up and fulfil his duties as a breadwinner.
So - don’t worry about it, OP.

And - I highly doubt his worry at the moment is spying on Op’s MN posts.

But is changing the password in the email account safe? Won't he just click on the "forgotten password" link and get a new password sent to the same email address...... or his phone...... then he could set a password which locks you out...... I think you should set up a new email account.

Well he’ll learn what a Cuntweasel is and that he is one.

I say let him carry on being a nosey cunt and read this thread and see what people will actually think of him. Dirty, selfish, narcissistic twat.

How are you OP?

Hope you're ok OP. Been watching this thread with horror as it unfolds. Did the second solicitor appointment go any better?

Ha ha the joke will be on them both at work. Firstly, him as a manager leaves himself/the company open for a personal grievance when it all turns turtle. Also, everyone in the workplace will be aware of what is happening and if there is a whiff of favoritism there will be complaints to the upper echolons.

My husband was in a very senior position at work, the woman he had an affair with worked for him... over time things went sour for him there and when there were redundancies he was for the chop.. the woman he had an affair with had worked there for years and years so she was ok as her redundancy would be a small fortune.. I have since learnt she now had his old job and he’s out on his ear .... these things DONT go unnoticed and are massively disapproved of in the workplace. They will both look like utter bastards and they will get nothing good from this xx

How are you OP

I’m not doing too well. The enormity of what he’s done is just starting to hit me,and my youngest said ‘I can’t believe I’m never going to live with my dad again’ which broke my heart.
He’s still blaming me for not allowing him to see them, it doesn’t matter how many times I tell him I can’t stop them but at their ages he needs to contact them himself. He can’t though, because he doesn’t want to hear their answer, so it’s easier to blame me.
He doesn’t want to be with the other woman, he says she was just fun (a good 18 months of fun), and it would have fizzled out had I not found out. Bollocks, because the last messages he sent her that I read said they loved each other so it was hardly fizzling out. They’d also been away for the day just a week before, so he’s just talking bollocks.
I just feel awful, tearful, wanting him back but knowing I couldn’t. I feel my life is over, the girls would be better off with him because I’ll have nothing, couldn’t afford to house us whereas he could. I’m feeling very sorry for myself.
His dad has been awful again. Asked me how I was and when I said not good, he said he didn’t want to get involved. I’ve told him to contact his grandchildren directly but I know he can’t because he’s such a shit grandad anyway (all talk about them but doesn’t know a thing about their lives) he doesn’t have their mobile numbers. He always was a grandad who liked telling everyone his grandchildren loved him, but never actually called to see them. In fact just last year he saw my youngest in the street and thought she was my eldest. Hardly grandad of the year material.

I’ve changed names, but I don’t care if he’s reading. If you are reading. You’re a wanker

You're right; he is. And still incredibly selfish. To say all those things to you, knowing that you know differently, and still expecting you to believe him.

It seems he doesn't like the changes that he has caused. The outcome of an affair is never good for anyone. He's suffering the consequences of his actions, BUT SO ARE THE REST OF YOU. Instead of feeling sorry for himself (and expecting you and everyone else to do so as well) he should be on his knees begging and pleading for forgiveness. And doing everything he can to make this easier for you. NOT for reconciliation, but to acknowledge the destruction he's caused.

And your alternate username? It suits you so much. Today and every day will be a fresh start. Of course you'll have times you want to have your old life back, but you have the opportunity to get up the next day, give your head a wobble, and keep moving forward. Some days massive leaps, and others tiny progress.

I admire you so much. It takes courage to admit to having doubts. 💜

@beenwhereyouare. He’s still in denial that he got caught. He won’t talk about the past, but doesn’t get that it’s the past to him but the now to us. I don’t think he thought he would get caught. I do wonder why he never moved in with her when she got divorced in December (because her husband found out about them), and he still hasn’t moved in with her, although he spent Saturday night at her house (but they didn’t have sex he told me - well, woopy do. Poor thing not having sex, bastard).
My head is all over the place, how can you love and hate someone at the same time. My main worry is money, if I can get that sorted we will be okay. I just thought we would grow old together, which makes me incredibly sad

What a twat, the reason he went ballistic when you saw his phone was that he knew it was ‘game up’ for him and he hadn’t had chance to prepare for it. In that moment these numpties often suddenly realise it was all a game, a buzz, and was never intended to inconvenience them in any way

Bless you OP. Keep posting here...wven if it's to vent, scream or whe yr feeling emotional.

We are here to listen...you will get some great advice from the fabulous Mumsnetters

But just think, by letting go of that dream you have time to find a new one. How much sadder would it be to go through this twenty years from now? I firmly believe you'll find a way to get the financial part worked out. Being from the US I can't give you advice on what kind of assistance you qualify for, but you have lots of MN support for that.

💙

Oh god, I messaged asking if he would come home. He didn’t reply, bastard 😂. I wouldn’t care, so long as we’re okay financially I wouldn’t have him back, I’m just so worried about money. My head is a mess. No sleep at all last night because I think he was with her

@Treesthemovie that's a great comment to make 🙄. Have you read all of OPs posts? She has a dam right to worry about money when she is unable to work and he's done the dirty and left them with nothing! She has two children to support.

So sorry OP. He sounds awful! Sounds like he has realised the grass isn't greener on the other side.

@trees. Don’t be stupid, I loved him but I have to be sensible, he’s left, and I have to protect myself and my children. Thanks for your input though

@Treesthemovie what a great comment. You should be ashamed

Ignore that comment OP - no need @Treesthemovie let's hope you dont ever find yourself in a situation like this.

OP you will find the strength - even if he did come back it would never be the same I speak from experience.

You will go through a mixed bag of emotions...shock, sadness, anger, sadness again, rock bottom then you will day by day find the strength. You WILL sleep when you eat properly...try and eat little bits and I promise you will sleep then.

If you're worried about money get him to commit to paying. You really do NEED to go and see a solicitor who will be able to guide you on the financial side of things and will give you some sound advice Im sure.

KEEP POSTING OP - we are heard to listen and help you.

@Treesthemovie that's a great comment to make 🙄. Have you read all of OPs posts? She has a dam right to worry about money when she is unable to work and he's done the dirty and left them with nothing! She has two children to support.

^^
This.

Thank you, Tretree.

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We can now carry on helping OP...how has today been my lovely?