Husband having affair

[Idontwanttoregister]

I’m new, please be gentle.
I’ve literally just found out my husband of 18 years has been having a year long affair with someone from work. Although I’m numb with shock and never thought he would, I was obviously suspicious enough to check his phone tonight.
Loads of I love you messages to her, he discusses our children with her. Apparently her husband has divorced her because he found out.
Obviously looking back the signs were there. Late from work, obviously checked out etc etc. I’d tried so many times to talk to him but he shut me down. Everyone will be so shocked he’s done this, he is highly thought of.
I checked his phone, he came to bed, went to kiss me and realised it was his phone I was looking at. He went ballistic, said he wishes he’d never married me and left. He’s gone to a family members but I’m sure he’ll end up with her. You don’t have a year long affair, with I love yours for nothing. I have no one, I don’t know what to do. What do I need to do?
I’ve asked him questions but he won’t answer. I’ve asked him to contact before he comes for his things. We own (mortgage) the house jointly. I am on long term sick, unlikely to ever work again. I’m shafted aren’t I? We have very little equity in the house. Children also at private school. I can’t believe he’s done this. I go from being sick and faint to crying to anger. If anyone is around, I need to know what I do?

His pension does NOT have to be being paid for you to receive a share. You can have a share of his pension pot transferred to your pension pot. Doesn't help pay the bills now but helps secure your future. Too many women give this up.

It’s turned nasty. I’ve said I’ll have to withdraw the children, he said if I do he’s going to tell them it’s my fault. Everything is my fault apparently. I didn’t realise I had such a skill that I could push his penis into her vagina. I must be more clever than I thought!
He’s with her now, I’m sure of it. Says he’ll take action if I spread lies about him. I would laugh if I had the energy.
I need to block him, I know. I’ve just depended on him for so long, it’s really hard to switch off. I feel as though I’m drowning.

So is he saying he will pay school fees so they don't have to be withdrawn? If he doesn't pay and they need to leave they're not stupid and they will know it's not your fault.

He's just trying to bully you by threatening action. Ignore all the silly threats.

You're not drowning. You just need to learn a different swimming stroke. Keep going!

Stay strong OP, you're amazing

I don’t feel amazing, I feel wrecked. I’m up and down more than his mistresses knickers!

OP - you’ve had a shock, so just try not to make decisions now.
First of all - what the solicitor told you is true - you can’t make him pay for school if there isn’t enough money.
However - it seems that he is indicating that he is going to pay for school - since he doesn’t want you to withdraw them?
In that case - don’t overreact to the stress of the situation and don’t make any moves you’ll regret.

From now on - you’ll be following a divorce process. You’ll be filling forms and exchanging information.
If you have no funds of your own - and he does - your solicitor will make sure he pays.
If he stops supporting and feeding his family as the only breadwinner - your solicitor will make sure he does.

There are rules and they are simple.

In your situation - with your disability - he will, most likely, have to support you. If there isn’t enough funds - you may also have a larger share of existing assets. And you definitely have a right to a share of his pension.
So - take a breath and don’t think about what he is doing and with who.
Just start planning your life.

@MMmomDD. I know, I need to slow down, I just don’t know how to. I sway from anger, to hate, to missing him. I’ve blocked him on my phone, I Can’t block email as we use the same email address.
I know I shouldn’t think about where he is, but he said he wasn’t going to see her, and I feel sick to my stomach that he’s still lying. I can’t cope with the thought he’s with her

Ok. You need to let yourself feel, that you can’t block.
Just try not to make practical decisions that can affect your or your children lives. About school or house, for example.
And you need to be firm with him about supporting the family. Tell him that your solicitor told you that he must continue with his current level of support for his children and dependant wife. Tell him to check with his solicitor.
This should make him realise that you aren’t a pushover.

Unfortunately - it does seem thar he had checked out of the relationship a while ago. And it’s unlikely that would change.
Can you try to go to a GP and ask for some counselling? It may help on the longer term.
In the short term - there isn’t much but just living one day at a time. And distracting yourself with daily life.
Like with most things - only time heals.

Ok the email thing needs sorting ASAP. New address easy to do but urgent. Then email everyone in your address book.

So sorry you're going through this. Hope you get some food advice on Monday with the new solicitor.

Email everyone, print a copy of that email, then delete it.

If your email address is receiving mumsnet notifications, disable that. Contact the administrators if you used that email address for your name and ask them to change it if they can, if not, then to disable it.

As a follow up, you don’t want your husband to read your posts here, or the advice you receive. If you share an email, obviously he can read all your emails.

wow he can read ALL your email ? seriously ?

Idont I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your girls. My ex did the same, emptying the bank account & using finances to control us. Financial abuse doesn't work well in court. As pp have said, his pension pot will be split so you have something in your later years. A friend recently got a spousal maintenance order which lasts until she remarried or he dies. Hold your nerve, make sure you look after yourself, eat little & often. You will get there, ypur girls will be fine bit they will always know what he's done to your family & it's unlikely they'll forgive him. He's deluded if he thinks it will be any different. Be strong & be brave OP. You've got this, you really have

What a prick, he'll be on his knees begging to come back soon enough.

You deserve more. You'll be ok

I have lots to do but was exhausted so only got up at 9:30. Completely messes my day up because I like routine, but I just needed my body to rest

Claim the email change the password,. Some gets it why not you?...
Then ask him for a new email address and just send email to everyone..... To tell them where to email him...
Check your deleted , sent items as well, you can see what he has sent....

Can you change the password on the email ? Or just get a new one

Have you spoken to someone about benefits ? You need to make sure you claiming all you can.

I'd see another solicitor - you are def entitled to a share of his pension (my mum ended up with 78% of my dads as she couldn't work and he still had chance to add to his)

I’ve changed the password on the email so he’s now locked out. I’ve found out that he went to a ‘family’ function with her last September, wonder how he was introduced. (This is the married bloke I’m shagging) when he should have been at work. Also found dirty films in the garage. Can it get any more grim 🤮🤮. I don’t even believe 18 months now, they went as a couple somewhere in September, he told me it didn’t get serious until her divorce came through which he said was December

Make sure the password is linked to your phone number.
And I think you can change the security questions.

So sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you are being so so strong. Your girls would be so proud of their fierce mum.

He is an utter shit for doing this to you. Sending you it will get better.

OP - you’ll drive yourself insane this way.
It is, of course, longer than 18 months. We told you that upthread.
And it doesn’t change anything in the present or future.

You need to try to pull yourself together and start planning for it.
He had a head start. He already thought about it.
Now you need to catch up.

Painful as it is. I am sorry.

Firstly much love to you @Idontwanttoregister

Secondly if you were sharing email and your husband saw messages from Mumsnet he's already reading this thread so you need to change name and start a new thread

Are you technically minded ? If not I bet one of your teenagers can help you out