Etiquette, rules, way forward - OW and invitations to family events.

[SadieSteele]

Ohhh!

I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!

My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.

However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.

So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.

More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.

To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.

It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....

If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.

What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?

This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.

I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.

I am a child of a similar situation.

It is awful, but your children are aware of how hard it is for you. From my point of view, unfortunately I think you just have to suck it up and be there for your kids. It won't be pleasant for you, but with the greatest kindness meant, things like graduation are about your kids, not about you EXH.

You don't have to talk to them, but you have to be there for your kids and acknowledge that your Ex is a part of their lives and important to them, no matter his failings, so is wanted there too. OW comes with that package now unfortunately!

I really have a lot of empathy for you, it is so hard, but being there and being civil is the best thing you can do for your relationship with your kids.

It has clearly been some time since you both separated. I do fully understand the hurt you feel. I hope my path never has to cross with ex ow/gf. Until the children get married and I hope they go abroad

My parents separated when I was young. My dad married the ow. Both my sister and I graduated. It was parents only. And sibling. So both their second husband/wives were not part of the day. We both married and have children now. So at the wedding of course all parents and partner were there. Bit kept a distance from each other. I do not have events with the children that they are both included. And my dad lives abroad. But events for my sister and I have always been planned with one or the other parent in mind. As we respect my mothers wishes. Who whilst we were growing up behaved perfectly towards my father. His children and wife. It is only as an adult we understand how hurt she has been by his actions.

It is a difficult situation for you. And your children. I am sure you will all manage when these situations happen. And focus on the dc that day.

I was also a child of a very similar situation.

It was horrendous growing up and always having to choose which parent I could invite to certain events. Simple things like birthday parties turned into a nightmare. The worst one was my wedding, and the battle field that became the seating plan!

It had such a negative impact on me, that when me and my DC father split up we worked incredibly hard to make sure we always remained on good terms. We do all DC related things together and I hope it has made it easier for the DC.

Please do not make your children pick who should attend such events. Yes it will be painful for you to see your EXH and the OW but I am afraid you are just going to have to suck it up and put on a brave face.

Surely either both you and your ex take partners or neither do? Difficult situation though but as both of you are settled in your new lives maybe that's the fairest way forward.
It also sounds like both of you are established in your relationships away from each other which is great. How would you feel attending one of your children's wedding's for example without your partner? How would your partner feel? If you want him there you probably have to accept your ex's wife there.

Your dc are adults now. These are their events. I think it needs to be between them and their dad if they want her invited. If they don't have much of a relationship with her, then they need to be the ones to discuss with their dad/her that she is not invited. Most graduations are ticketed events (and there usually aren't many tickets). If they don't want her there, then they shouldn't invite her and give her a ticket. Same with weddings, etc. going forward. They need to make these decisions for themselves about what they are comfortable with. You need to support them, but otherwise just stay out of it, I think.

I'm a child of this situation, only it was my mum who had the affair and then married the OM. Only as an adult have I understood what a total hero my darling dad was. He was always polite and considerate to my mum & her (vile) husband and did his best to make it as easy for us as possible. Be the bigger person, put your children first. There is no reward or thanks (my darling dad had terrible health and is now dead) apart from one more truly decent person walking on this earth. And some day your children may realise how wonderful you have been.

Or make it all about you and force your children to choose & cast a shadow over any of their future happy life events. Only you know what sort of person you really are.

Understand this 100% as do many other women on here . Yes these events are about the children BUT they are also about the mother esp in a situation like this . It is often these very same children who had to help pick up the pieces as well as have their lives disrupted .
I have not seen the OW in my case since it all happened and it would be incredibly stressful and would spoil the day for me and for my children as well ( they have expressed this ) .

Agree with mindutopia. This really is one of those times where you have to shut up and behave. You ask the DC to decide who they want with the advance guarantee whatever they say will not trigger a fuss by you. It's their day.

Your job is to respect your DCs' choice, as they respect your new partner. Seethe in silence.

Mind you, I would be livid - I note your ex refused to pay for his DC through uni, was happy to allowing DW1 and a new stepfather to issue the cheques, and is now expecting an invitation.

Re the graduation specifically. You usually only get issued 2 tickets for this. Really difficult to get hold of any more.

My parents did not split because of an affair but DM was so bitter that when DF did meet someone else she was vile to them both.

I always had to choose and it's miserable. I had to uninvited DF's partner of 13 years from my wedding

You cannot use the argument that "you would be more considerate". Even if you would, that's not the case here and you can't project your own values on someone else.

I full understand it will spoil the event for you. You will be seething. But if that's the case, then it's on you to bow out if you think you can't bear it. You can't influence anyone else's choices or behaviour but you can determine your own.

I would urge you, though, to try and do it for your children. There will be more of this - new partners, weddings, grandchildren, housewarmings - and you want to be there and be happy with it.

And I beg you to find a way through the resentment and anger - it's totally deserved but it will eat you up. I'm very sympathetic but I've witnessed this first hand . Whatever you need to do to process it, do it, as it will spoil events for you forever.

So many dignified people on here.
Would I fuck allow ow to come to the graduation.
So you and your partner have supported DC through uni yet they want to bask in recognition and glory as parents of the graduate??
No fucking way.
I wouldn’t expect the kids to choose but I’d get in touch with ex myself and tell him so.
And if I was hosting any events they wouldn’t come to those either.
You’ve been the better person and better parent now tell them to piss of.

You say your children can’t/won’t speak to their dad about it.

Why not?

That’s the obvious solution, they say to dad, she’s not welcome and you do as you see fit. It’s their event, they get to decide I think.

I’m just going to echo what has already been said. As a child of divorced parents going through the weddings, christenings of grandchildren etc, managing my parents has been the most difficult bit. They’ve been separated 28 years, both happily remarried with other children.

PLEASE, do not make them chose between you, or make them feel guilty if they do invite their father & his wife to events. And that includes snide remarks and dirty looks, because believe me they will notice. In fact, they will be spending so much time worrying about whether their parents are behaving, that they won’t get to fully enjoy what should be a very special day for them.

I can empathise that it must be incredibly difficult to watch ExH & OW, but you have to move past that. Otherwise the bitterness will turn you into someone you don’t recognise & you’re children don’t always like (this is how I felt about my DM after my sons christening)

I'm with @7yo7yo on this. Your adult DCs don't appear to want this woman around & neither do you so problem solved. Use the graduation tickets for you & your DP ( I'm assuming he & your DC all get on well?) Tell your ex that for the foreseeable future you've decided as a family that you don't want the OW attending family events so he either attends on his own or doesn't attend. Those are his choices.

I see this second hand through my DH’s parents who divorced in similar circumstances to you.

It is 35 years on and it still poisons every daily celebration. 35 years! When does it stop?

I would say it poisons his DM. For whatever reason, she cannot get past it, and because she can’t, it poisons her children and their families.

You’ve been the bigger person. Carry on being the bigger person. If it stresses you out, see a counsellor to help you through it, use a wise friend as a sounding board to get you through it. Put your children first because your exH clearly can’t do that.

I agree with @7yo7yo. No way on earth would I tolerate that. OW has absolutely destroyed my relationship with my ex-h to the point where we can't co-parent because it's "not allowed", caused utter destruction to mine and my children's lives and destroyed two families in the process. No way is she ever coming to any events that involve my DS. I would make that very very clear and if she turned up at anything, I would ask her to leave. The woman is poison. I am sorry if that's not the usual "suck it up and be nice" thing that people who haven't been in this situation expect, but that is how it is.

Further, I believe at graduation that only two tickets for parents are issued. She won't be able to come anyway and given the support OP and her DH have given to the children, I think they should attend!

My DP’s dad left his mum for OW & later married her.

We’re slowly planning our wedding and although DP’s attitude is they'll just have to be grown up about it, I’m very conscious of the hurt it would cause MIL.

So I’ve given her number of guests she can invite so she's not on her own. We’re not having a top table type wedding and I’ve got friends who will ensure MIL is included and not left out.

SMIL is a nice woman and has never forced herself on DP or his sisters lives, she wouldn’t have gone to their graduation (if she had DP & SIL wold have set her straight).

Does your DS have tickets for more than two guests? At my uni we were only allowed two guests each.

I think also at this point it’s down to your DC to politely tell their father if they don’t want his wife to be there. They do run the risk of his then going NC or kicking off.

Still reading and digesting. Loads to think about and I appreciate all of your thoughts.

At the minute, thinking if the graduation ceremony is going to be tense, with us all there, then I will bow out. My DC deserves a relaxed day, my EX won't even consider thinking of anyone else so it won't happen from them

Extra tickets are in place unfortunately. DC assumed through lack of interest that OW wouldn't be going.

My DP would bow out if he had to. He said he would travel with me and stay over, just not attend the ceremony, though the financial support and interest clouds that slightly. DC does want my DP there.

I'm not the OW, met my DP ages after his marriage ended but didn't go to my DP's DC's graduation because I knew DP's EW would be uncomfortable with me there...and it wasn't about me!

I am worried of not addressing this and just accepting it. Sets a precedent for future events.

Feel very sad.

I had exactly this all through my son's childhood. It hurts like hell- made worse by the OW being my friend before she hooked up with my ex and used our friendship to mask the affair.
My son graduated two years ago and there were only 2 tickets available and on this one (for once) his father agreed that it was for me and him to attend and that is what we did. It was mostly ok- apart from him making comments about how all my friends are acoholics (two of my good friends recovering alchoholics) and insinuating that this must mean that I am also an alchollic as he swilled down wine at the receptions and even took a glass of wine from the reception to the fecking Albert Hall because he wanted another glass!

I wish I could say after 20 years that the hurt and anger goes away but it doesn't. I saw OW at the swimming pool the other day- she was in the same lane as me- I got in touch with my spirit animal and became an ORCA and I swam faster and further than I have ever swum and lapped her and hit the wall at the same time and as the faster swimmer I just swam in front of her (no way was I standing aside for her again). I channelled the adrenaline into my swim and when she got out I carried on so that I did not have to run into her in the changing room showers. I have now changed my thursday swims to avoid lunchtimes because it happened againt he following week.

With his father I have total disinterest- I can honestly say that the feelings of anger etc have gone for him but for her... they just won't go if I see her. Mostly I don't see her but when I do it all comes flooding back and I have to fight the desire to punch her lights out. I have no words of wisdom apart from trying if you can to be the sugar plum fairy and show her you are the better person.
If it helps- my son says his dad will probably leave her once their two girls are left school (2 more years) as they don't get on and life there is chaotic. He always stays with me when he comes home and pops to his fathers for a cup of tea but rarely stays more than a few hours.

For graduation, there may be a limited amount of tickets (my daughter only got 2, everyone else watched in a big tent). My daughter made sure I didn't sit next to my X (no other woman) but we managed to make polite chit chat when we had to. If only 2 tickets are available you may be ok.

However, grandchildren and weddings are now on happening and we are all being civil (much easier now my MIL is dead). Unless there was some abuse there are some occasions you just have to both attend and play nice, even if you would rather they had a sudden attack of D&V. For me, there was some abuse but as I don't want to tell the children I have to rise above it and focus on the lovely children and grandchild instead.

Dc should invite both partners or none. Can you and ex be civil if just you and he go?

I want to be kind because there’s been so much hurt in your family, but really think about all the years ahead of your children pussyfooting around trying to keep everyone happy. Just rip the plaster off and go to the ceremony. Trying to find a way forward isn’t giving in or letting him and the other woman off. Give your DC an enormous gift - not being responsible for your feelings like they are their rotten dad’s.

DPs divorced nearly 50 years ago (DM ran off with and married OM). DF is still very bitter despite marrying twice himself since! It STILL affects my siblings, our children and new grandchild as each time there's a family event he feels he has input on who doesnt get invitations to every familly event and makes it all about his failed relationship with DM. TBH the younger generations now don't give a hoot about him as they're fed up with the drama and let him sulk rather than attend. He doesnt seem to realise how much this impacts our family.
Please don't become like my DF and be the better person if you can. I really do know its not easy to bite your tongue but your relationship with your DC will suffer if they feel even after many years have passed that they still have to take sides.

@Missingstreetlife her DP has funded the children through Uni, why should he miss out?