Ohhh!
I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!
My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.
However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.
So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.
More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.
To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.
It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....
If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.
What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?
This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.
I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.