Etiquette, rules, way forward - OW and invitations to family events.

[SadieSteele]

Ohhh!

I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!

My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.

However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.

So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.

More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.

To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.

It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....

If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.

What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?

This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.

I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.

Have some shame, admit your actions mean your not welcome as part of our family.

But they are part of your DC’s family.

They’re not going to feel ashamed and they’re not going to just go away.

So it’s best to just let it all go and just concentrate on your DC’s achievement.

Thanks to those who have been there and understand and to those who've said 'get over yourself, it isn't about you'.

DC had planned that his DP, me, my DP and EXH would use the tickets.
DC is upset,DC's partner is also upset at being denied the fourth ticket. I'm upset, EXH is happy in his ignorance.

DC is finding out whether the seating is ticketed. It wouldn't be quite so bad if we can sit separately. It doesn't solve the photos or meal afterwards.

DC is suggesting that another option would be his own DP, me and EXH. ( not that the unsupportive tight arse deserves even that!)

Why doesn't your DC just say to his dad that the OW isn't invited? Who actually holds the tickets? Do not miss the graduation!

I think in this particular situation it sounds like your DC would rather not have their DSM there for ticket reasons, so just support them. But yes, going forward I think you will just need to suck it up. PLEASE do try.

I have a similar situation in my family and it's hellish - weddings, christenings, special birthdays - all have this constant undercurrent of 'which parent gets invited' with a passive aggressive 'oh don't worry about me. I'll bow out' if both are invited. This is now beginning to affect grandchildren who were born 20 years after the original divorce and really shouldn't be needing to navigate these kind of complex adult social situations at a young age. It's just not fair.

If your sons dp doesn’t end up going, can you do a special dinner out in the next few nights - you dp son and his dp? And thank them for being so understanding about it.

I mean nights after the graduation

The OW is not part of the biological family and should have no involvement in your children.

Request your children do not attend the graduation party but tell them that if they do that you won’t be going (if you don’t want to go that is)

And you certainly don’t have to go. You could give your children their own party at your house to show that you care, and their dad and their dads wife not invited of course.

Why can't DC - an adult - just say sorry dad, there's no ticket for OW, it didn't occur to me she might want to come? If exH asks why not, he can say she's never shown any interest in him. It's the truth, right?

I feel so sorry for your DC (And you). I've been the child in similar situation. Felt terrible guilt on behalf of one of my parents. Anger against them both tbh. Everything was separate until my much younger siblings actually put their foot down and decreed what would happen at their graduations/weddings etc. I never felt able to speak up.
I do feel for you. OW is ridiculous to not see how her involvement is so unwanted but she probably has the hide of a rhino.
I would steel myself and attend if DC want you. It won't be the first event like this.
Don't now out. Your DC wants you and if they're too cowed to tackle exh/OW that's a shame but not your fault.
Maybe DC could do with counselling as this may have raised all kinds of feelings for them.

Your DC is basically an adult now. It’s for them to navigate this part of their parents personality and life. And to make choices on what they want. It’s a life lesson.

And they are part of your family if you like it or not. It’s just the way it is.

You say you’re not bitter and you’re over it. But you clearly aren’t.

Seriously seek counselling. It might help you navigate this next step in life. They aren’t going away, they aren’t going to stoo being who they are.

Have some shame, admit your actions mean your not welcome as part of our family

But she is part of your family. Making her unwelcome is going to impact your children more than anyone else, sounds like she’s not that bothered what you think of her.

They probably think that as their marriage has stood the test of time, there is no shame to be felt. Who are you to go dishing out shame? Skews you seem hung up on him still.

Also saw this as a child of such a situation. I couldn't even invite my dad to my wedding because my mother was so bitter. She kicked off when I went to his funeral.

It's hard I know, but really after all this time you need to put it behind you for your kids' sake. You'll have lots more events which you have to navigate, and it isn't fair to be like this for them. She isn't the OW anymore. She's his wife. She is part of the family, however she got there.

(and I have an OW in my own life too although exH denies it, so I have seen this from my own side too although we haven't reached the graduation stage yet, but when we do, I'll just look amazing and put my invisible shield on and rise above). (hopefully!).

I'm really confused. It's been years from what you've said.
Over a decade?
Why are you still bothered?

Your DC is an adult. It's their graduation and they get to invite whoever they want. There's a whole lot of self indulgent attitudes on this thread. This is very simple, DC invites whoever they choose and the rest of you accept that. If they can't have an honest conversation with their dad that's not the OP's issue.

happybunny007 think you have said one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here and that's saying something - " Skews you seem hung up on him still." You just don't get it do you ?

MrsxRocky "I'm really confused. It's been years from what you've said.
Over a decade?
Why are you still bothered?"

And neither do you !

I think your children aren’t children anymore and that means that they have to start making decisions. They do get to choose who attends but hoping their father will do the right thing is exercise in futility.

TBH I would be hurt if my child prioritised someone they didn’t like because they refused to make a decision.

I would leave the decision in their hands b

You would think the ow and exh would recognise their behaviour and the effect it's had and sensibly decide only the exh would attend. However they clearly won't because by their very nature-they don't think like that.

My experience of this is that they will deny any wrong doing ever, say you are mental because you should be over it, and do whatever they want. Don't expect any leeway from them OP because you won't get it.

Like a pp my ex had an affair with my best friend, friendship used to mask the affair and in the worst possible ways. I too moved my life, and avoid seeing her-I still have panic attacks if I do (and I only have in the distance and rarely for the last two years-the year before was hell because the kids were still at the same school and her kid played for the same sports team as mine-it made me very unwell and life was not easy at all).

I absolutely dread family events when the kids are older. They had no real shame when it happened, none now, and will certainly have none in ten years or so when this stuff starts coming around.

I'd love to just get over it as pp have suggested. I've had lots of therapy and CBT for the panic attacks-and in lots of ways I'm better-but im nowhere near the point that I could sit in a room with her. Hopefully one day I will be-but that day won't be soon.

OP-I think either your DC needs to say they really want him there but maybe she should give it a miss this time due to ticketing constraints or whatever-or else you have to go-separately of course-and try to focus on the kids and not the situation...

It's bloody hard and I feel for you

Your DC needs to tell his dad that there’s no spare ticket for OW. He doesn’t have to mean about it.

More generally, I think after this many years, if you can’t be in the same room as them and behave like an adult for the sake of your children, then you need to think about why you are holding on to such anger and upset. I mean, are you going to spend the rest of your life raging at them?

it’s been years now so I’m a bit confused as to why ur still thinking about how she was part of the break up of your relationship.

It just seems so strange to have adult children and a DP and still be harping like it happened yesterday.

I’m not trying to be inconsiderate but I just don’t get it.

Ur kids are adults now. They will likely go on to have graduations, children, weddings, christenings etc where family will there together. OW is part of the family and has been for years/ a decade ?

It didn’t happen yesterday.

There is no point pussyfooting around the situation. Get used to having OW and still being able to have a good time.

Op please please go. If you don't go you will be creating emotional stress and tension for your children.

Its one day. Be the bigger person as you have worked so hard to be.

Your children don't want her there because they know you find it stressful. If they could see you relaxing about it they will feel they can relax too.

I grew up in similar circumstances to your children though not ecXtky the same

Sometimes I have cried with stress over worrying about particular parents feelings

Please please don't turn this into a lifetime worry for your kids. I sympathize with you but it's not fair on them

Your children need to make the choice themselves and communicate it. A simple ‘No tarts at my graduation-thanks Dad!’ would suffice. I know that it’s diffoculy for them but the longer they leave it the harder it will be and next thing you know OW will be in their wedding pictures and giving a speech after the christening.

I think the world is divided into people that 'just don't get' this kind of stuff (possibly people that haven't been through anything like it through not exclusively-if you are the kind of person that can compartmentalise and breeze through stuff there is no way you can empathise with someone that can't-in fact you'd probably have a more Polarized position because if you can do it, why can't everyone?) and then the people that don't have the same sort of emotional resiliency and struggle to do that. Those are the people that still feel upset years after things have happened-largely because they can't comprehend other people's unpleasantness-and if you can't get your head around something then you can't process it and move on.

What's the time line for getting over something ( according to those that can't understand why this is hard for the OP?)...genuine question... how long is acceptable?

then I will bow out

Honestly, get a grip. Go smile and be polite.
Don’t bow out because you can’t be an adult for 3 hours.

It’s been years and you have both moved on.

Honestly I think you have to drop it and just say it is fine regardless of seating. Sounds like DC are now under a lot of stress about the day and to be a little harsh this is mostly on you. Saying you won’t go ‘to make it easier for the DC’ sounds like passive aggressive blackmail when you have clear been the main caregiver throughput their lives.

Bit of a drop feed OP! This ticketing issue had nothing to do with YOU what so ever but you have taken the opportunity to make it all about you and your irrational unprocessed bitterness seems to trump the joy of this occasion is hurting your DC as well.

From your latest update it now appears that your DC had invited his DP, his DF, you and your DP. His DF has made assumptions - and it is your DC responsibility to resolve this - and an opportunity for you to support your DC communicate their decision clearly, confidently and assertively to their DF.

However you seem to have made it all about you and huffing and threatening not going is throwing your toys out of the pram and totally undignified and would hurt your child massively. As I see it you are No1 in the pecking order above x, DC DP, your DP and his DP ..... you must know this - so why would you even contemplate it.