Etiquette, rules, way forward - OW and invitations to family events.

[SadieSteele]

Ohhh!

I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!

My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.

However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.

So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.

More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.

To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.

It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....

If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.

What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?

This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.

I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.

Ten plus years and you still call her OW? You have a new partner,your exH is married to her, that’s a long time to be bitter. Put your feelings aside for the sake of your sons.

Reading this thread has made me quite angry with my own mother. It simply never crossed my mind that there are parents out there who put their own feelings aside for the sake of their kids.

My mum is kind and loving, but my god she is hard work at social events. Tbh even before she separated from my dad she would use facial expressions and little barbs to make sure every single event had to cater precisely to her (unspoken) needs.

My dad on the other hand has been magnificent. My beloved step dad was and remains my dad's best friend.

Yes folks, it was the 1970s.

@BogglesGoggles
Seriously?’no tarts at my graduation Dad’
Why is the blame all on the woman? Their Dad is the one who cheated and left his family, what a horrible attitude, welcome the cheating dad who let them down but ostracise his wife, ffs

What's the time line for getting over something ( according to those that can't understand why this is hard for the OP?)...genuine question... how long is acceptable?

I’m not sure it’s really ever acceptable to have your feelings about your ex and his new partner (because that’s what they are) define your children’s relationship with them. This sort of thing is extremely emotionally damaging for children and it does (as an adult) make you think less of the parent(s) who do it to you.

I appreciate that it’s hard when you’ve been hurt and that none of us behaved perfectly. But you do have to find coping strategies and to move on as best you can.

Ideally Dc should say to his father, I have 4 tickets, Mum & her P have financed my studying, it is normal they should be there, you are my father, & I want my DP to come, so your 2nd wife can't come on this occasion. But what happens next time... it's a problem that won't go away.
I Hugely Massively admire my XSIL, as she has beautifully orchestrated the weddings of my 3 nieces, She has had to have pictures taken with my brother, listen to his speeches, & accept his rubbish new wife. She has focussed on her daughters, the guests, & her own pride in the success of the day.
She doesn't look at or speak to OW

The tarts comment was worthy of a Sun columnist. Truly horrible.

Not saying op or anyone should let their feelings define what happens with their children or let it affect the children at all.
In my case I've been careful not to, however hard that's been and have said to them that it doesn't matter what I think-they need to treat their Dad and anyone associated with him as they treat everyone else. My children have got their own views on it all-they have eyes and ears and no amount of my saying it's fine will stop them working things out for themselves-but their views, positive or negative about their Dad are their own-not mine.
My question was to those saying op should be over it herself by now-that she shouldn't be feeling as she does because time has passed. Whatever she does outwardly she feels how she feels inwardly doesn't she? So my question is how long is that 'allowed' to last?

The whole slant is the hatred of the ‘ow’ but it’s ok for the cheating ex to be welcomed, her hatred is misdirected.

But you kind of have to have the,for want of a better term, biological parent there-its his child after all. By the sounds the woman has had little to do with the kids so arguably why does she want to be there and cause everyone to be uncomfortable? Why is she not as bad for insisting on that than the OP is for feeling upset about it?

A simple ‘No tarts at my graduation-thanks Dad!’ would suffice. I know that it’s diffoculy for them but the longer they leave it the harder it will be and next thing you know OW will be in their wedding pictures and giving a speech after the christening.

This is one of the most staggeringly unreasonable things I've read. You assume the OP's DC should create a permanent rift between themselves and their father? Maybe between them and their half siblings? That's not fair and not how it does. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents, whether the relationship works out or not. And yes, OW will be in wedding photos and at christenings unless the OP chooses to be staggeringly unreasonable which her DC will end up resenting her for.

I am not saying she shouldn't feel anything. I understand it's emotionally hard but sometimes, esp as a parent, the world can't revolve around your feelings and you need to support your kids. That's what 'parenting' means.

Also, 'no tarts' is a hideously misogynistic way of looking at it.

I agree that it’s sad that it’s all (still) misdirected at the OW. The ‘villain’ in the failed marriage is the ex-H but so many of the posts are about the OW and how people still can’t look at her/be in the same room/etc. Yet, they’ve presumably been looking their ex in the eye all that time.

And as for timescales for personal hurt, I’m not sure that’s the right question. In this case, the OP is in a long term relationship and still thinks the OW should have shame and hide under a rock. In lots of ways, it’s disrespectful to her partner that she’s still not over her ex’s affair. (I think this in relation to my stepdad on the regular occasions that my mum starts harping on about how awful my dad was for no reason). And carrying all those negative feelings about can’t be good for her.

The expectation should be that, yes, your ex’s wife will be present at family events. She’ll be at weddings and in the photos. She’ll (hopefully) be invested in any grandchildren, and may well be Grandma or Nana or whatever. She’s part of the DC’s life and there is nothing to do other than accept that. Indeed, it’s best to hope that the DC can have a nice relationship with her, since she is part of their family.

Thanks all, feel worse about it now than when I started the thread. An awful lot of assumptions made about me!

Yes, DC needed to be an adult and talk to his dad about not wanting OW to be there because he felt she has shown no interest in him. He feels strongly about his dad not supporting him either but despite that decided he couldn't not have him there.
Expressing his feelings to his dad would have let DC have his initial wishes, his DP and the three of us. Easy. (Except he won't dare chase it up now ). When he rang his dad he should have stopped it right there. When his dad said 'we' - he should have said -"sorry dad I want my DP to have the 4th ticket and I don't feel OW has shown an interest in me, I didn't think she would be bothered". He had talked it through with me prior, he felt he needed a 'practice' before the call, it just didn't turn out that way.

One thing that has been misconstrued on here a number of times is using the term OW. We/I don't in real life, we use her name ( of course!) but I wasn't going to use it on here and 'EXH's wife who he had an affair with' is a bit of a mouthful and without that information the thread would have made no sense.

Sad that for all of us family events are overshadowed by this. They are never a 'celebration' but something to endure, to put a brave face on, to smile and pretend. I just can't imagine OW and her close/extended family, being at the same venue as my close/extended family, for say a wedding and everyone 'partying'. Those brave faces and painted smiles don't change how people feel.

But you kind of have to have the,for want of a better term, biological parent there-its his child after all.

If you can manage to suck it up in relation to the man who betrayed you and broke his wedding vows, then surely it should be easier to do that with his current wife.

If you can manage to suck it up in relation to the man who betrayed you and broke his wedding vows, then surely it should be easier to do that with his current wife.

That is only because he is the father - the other not necessarily !

Don't feel bad OP - lots of us get where you are coming from !

How long term is the DCs DP?

OP this is your son issue not yours. I would be very hurt too in your situation but your son is choosing to have the OW attend over your partner.

This is not on them but your son. If you have an problem, speak to your grown up son.

OP
Your anger is misdirected, your ExH is the one who destroyed your marriage, he chose someone else, he chose to leave you and your DC. It is such an outdated attitude to blame the woman, she didn’t steal him away, he went willingly.
You have a new partner and it’s very disrespectful to him that you are so hung up on this.
I really am mystified by your and your DS attitudes to their Dads wife, their father let them down, not her.
Why is your son incapable of speaking up? It’s easy to say I’ve only 4 tickets!!

Children are adults. Children decide who is invited. If you are invited go for them - and then only. Be polite and civil and keep your distance. This is it now and they will love you for it. They are forming there own relationship.

No, OW attend over DC's own DP. ( all too complicated!)

Thankfully I've not seen the nasty affects of parents at odds - however I did see it at my sister's wedding and the behaviour of the parents was shocking.
It is really easy to say put your feelings to one side for the day and just get on with it, but I think it's worth doing a little more...
You have a new DP, I assume you are both very happy?
You'd never have met had your husband not left you, in that respect he did you a favour.
You're incredibly strong, you walked away from a marriage you were disrespected and built a new life for yourself. That's something to be proud of.
You're also now, with you new (much better and improved dp) able to financially support your child through uni. Would your ex have been able/willing to do that? Probably not as he only paid towards one term.
This woman isn't the other woman in a negative way, she's the moron that's stuck with a selfish twat of your ex husband and your free of them. Go smile and pity the poor woman!

My dh is the child of a bitter divorce. As was my boyfriend st the time of my graduation.

In my experience you need to suck it up and be in the same room for your child’s graduation and wedding. All other events can be divvied up or done separately so it’s really just twice. Graduation day and his wedding. For the wider graduation weekend you can split up meals / receptions as much as possible. So grin and bear it in the ceremony but book a meal for you your dp ds and his dp for later.

OP
My ILs have been playing out this game for decades. My FIL was an absolute shit to MIL and his children in equal measure. However the children just want them to stop their joint nonsense. The fact that he left for his now wife (along with a healthy dose of not providing adequate support) doesn’t bother them as much as years of trying to find a way to organise these type of events without emotional blackmail, drama and a flounce.

A friend of mine was in a similar position when he was getting married. It was on both side so bride and groom had double lots of it. In the end they cancelled the big wedding to elope and none of the family where invited. To this day they just don’t do these type of events with family. Because just as you say they are not willing or able to enjoy themselves unless the other party isn’t there. That’s not possible so no invite.

Whatever your motivation you are pushing your child to make a choice. He might do that but clearly doesn’t want to, otherwise he would have. In my experience they don’t make the choice and there is no win for you here. This is just a long line of events that will become hugely stressful for everyone to plan because they all know your feelings now. The pattern and the etiquette has been set your children.

I would ask your son to really try hard to get a 5th ticket now, so you can have support with your DP.

It shouldn't be a problem that your DS didn't speak up straight away. I wouldn't have in the same situation - I always think my brain works too slowly for spoken conversations! He can still go back and say, "Sorry, Dad, I didn't think about it at the time, but the tickets are very limited and there isn't one for OW."

One awkward conversation, and then he can have the people he wants there.

My view is that you must attend. You don’t know what the future holds and your DC need their mother there.

But, I think that your DP should attend too. I also wonder if there is anything you can explore to help you cope on the day - hypnosis? Beta blockers?

On another note, I missed a graduation because one of my parents was terminally ill and the other was their carer. I couldn’t face turning up alone and seeing everyone else there with their parents. So I didn’t attend myself. It was a difficult time and there are all sorts of reasons why a graduation might not be a simple happy occasion.