Etiquette, rules, way forward - OW and invitations to family events.

[SadieSteele]

Ohhh!

I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!

My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.

However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.

So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.

More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.

To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.

It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....

If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.

What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?

This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.

I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.

@SadieSteele

Please go to the graduation. You mentioned you wouldn't go to make things easier but that will upset your child. Just go and be the bigger person. Bring your DP for support and just keep away from the OW and your ex

I agree with the posters saying that it’s really important to try not to make your children feel the have to manage you and your emotions over family events. It does no one any good.

I know that it must have been extremely hurtful that you exH had an affair, but it was clearly many years ago now. You have moved on and have a well established relationship. I do mean this very gently, but it may be time to move on and let go of all your feelings towards your ex’s partner. It might help to start trying to not think of her as ‘the OW’. I know she was the OW, but at this point it’s not helping you to hold on to that.

Remember none of this is for her (or your ex’s) benefit. It’s actually about your wellbeing and your children’s.

As others have said, your attitude and feelings about these thing have ongoing effects. And it can actually get worse as you move into adulthood.

My BF’s father had an affair that ended his marriage over 30 years ago. He’s still with (and married) to the woman he had the affair with. His mother (despite having remarried and divorced herself in the last 30 years) has chosen never to get over it. She brings it up at every opportunity. Right out of the blue sometimes she’ll start complaining about his dad and his wife. She’s very effectively turned her younger children against their father (which has been to their detriment). The first time I met her, BF’s mum made a huge scene shouting at him because he dares to still have a relationship with his father (he’s 40). It was excruciating to witness. It definitely affects BF’s relationship with his mum, and always will.

Similarly my parents split up nearly 30 years ago. There was no OW, but my mum behaves really quite similarly to BF’s mum. She drags up the subject of my father for no reason at all. It’s weird and uncomfortable. My sister and I have no relationship with our father (in my case because of his actions once I was a young adult; it’s was pure parental alienation in my sister’s). I spent my teenage years feeling awful - obligated towards father and guilty towards my mother for not refusing to have anything to do with him (like my sister). Even now, she proudly talks about how she was advised to just wait it out and I’d eventually see that she was right. Tbh, I do wonder if I might have been able to have a relationship with my father to this day if my mother had been able to put her own feelings aside and act like a grown up.

I’m in no way saying that you behave in any way like either of the mothers described above, OP. I’d like to think they are extreme cases. I just want to illustrate that what you think of as your personal issues and attitudes do affect children, even as adults. And that can very much affect your relationship with them. That’s why I think it would be best for everyone (you included) if you could move beyond all the awful crap from the past.

Go to things. Why should you miss out? No way would I miss my kid's graduation.

You don't need to engage with them. Just be surface polite and move on.

I don't think it's fair to put your dc in the position of choosing, or of knowing that if they invite their father you won't turn up. So you suck it up. You have your own partner, it was years ago, you make the best of it for the sake of the dc (and for your own) .

Do not not go to your DC's graduation to be accommodating. I'm sure your DC would be devastated if you weren't there. Mine would be.

I'm in the same boat and I've had to tolerate engaging with the OW, now wife of my ex-H at events. It feels like there are shards of glass crunching around inside me for every moment I'm forced to be in her company.

However, on the surface I am polite and I know my DC appreciate that. They don't like her either and think that their Dad is a tosser, but he's the only Dad they have and for some occasions it is important to them that he's there. Sometimes I get a migraine afterwards because I find it so stressful, but I'd still rather be there than not at all.

Your DP funded your children’s education not the ex. So I wouldn’t invite the ex at all if your DC doesn’t want him there. Doesn’t matter if they kick up a stink now the kids are adults.

If your DC have managed to get more tickets than the standard 2, would it not be possible for your DP to accompany you so you're not alone with the EXH& OW?

Please go. I’m assuming your dp can go too. Just ignore ow. it’s your dcs graduation and you have supported them through college and should celebrate with them.
It would be nice if dc could say something loudly like thanks so mum and bob for the support not to mention funding, I love you. And er... thanks dad. You probably supported me in something when I was little.
But it’s not going to happen.

I am now in a similar situation after easy teen years where I did not have to have any input.
Two milestone events in the last year and I sucked it up. I didn't have to, my children totally 'get' that it's not easy but no way was I going to put that on them. I did it FOR them.
We have another event this year and I'll grit my teeth and invite them. I'm not going to exclude his wife no matter how I feel about her and no matter how much I want to. Any issues aren't going to come from me and again, I will do it for my children and no other reason

Well it's your children inviting the OW. I have an graduation and I have to buy the tickets and give them out.

If they didn't want her there, they could have lied about how many tickets they can have.

I understand your frustration but maybe have a chat with your children as this could be avoided.

She is no longer the OW, for your children she is their father's wife. You are just going to have to accept that, or making things really, really shit for your children in the years ahead. How much do you love them? Really? Enough to put their feelings first?

Thank you all the children who ask that we be the bigger person and stay pleasant.

I will take your advice to heart.

How can I indicate that I am fine and will not cause any problems? How can I say it in a way that doesn't raise tensions?

My problem is that my X was hugely abusive - but very covertly - and a lot of my 'less than perfect behaviour' was reactive trauma.
So the tensions comes when my children make our behaviour equivalent and it is not their problem to know how cruel he was, and what he did. People don't understand narcissistic abuse at the best of times.

But this is massively hard for me to deal with when I am told I am as bad as he is, even though they have to deal with his breathtaking selfishness and I am out of the picture. I have never suddenly produced a stranger and required them to act instant happy families but he has done this to them more than once.

So its not about being 'right', its about the hurt and how I can manage the triggers of being told what an awful person I am as well.

Where did the OP say her children invited the OW? She said that the DC thought that through lack of interest the OW wouldn't be going but that ex-H and OW have at fairly short notice assumed that they were both invited.

OP loves her DC enough that she wants them to have a relaxed day and would consider not going herself to ensure that they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wonder if some of the posters have read what the OP said at all, or if they are just projecting their own experiences?!

Have you had therapy, @ScreamingLadySutch?

It sounds like this is something that you need some help with to both move on and accept the day-to-day reality of it.

My ex was abusive too, and I totally appreciate how hard that is to deal with the ongoing effects of that. I’ve had two lots of counselling (one very specialist) to help me to not let it affect my life and my relationship with my son. I really do recommend it.

It's normally 2 tickets for a graduation and then any extra on a first come basis (only based on my own and others I know experiences so appreciate it might be different.)

I understand that it sticks in your throat and makes you angry.......but the real focus of the day is the achievement of your DC .... they want you there - to be proud of them, to support them, to celebrate and to thank you ..... don’t let them down - get over yourself for a few hours - slap on a smile and decide that no one is going to take this lifetime milestone of joy away from you. Build yourself up and get rid of the anger.

Make sure that you and your DC have the best day ever - it is once in a lifetime.

OP loves her DC enough that she wants them to have a relaxed day and would consider not going herself to ensure that they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, cos they will have a great time celebrating all their big life achievements without their mother - that is a sure fire way to make it all about her and punish her children at the same time. Way to show your love, eh?

In what context do you get told you're as bad as he is? Is there a way of avoiding/heading off those kinds of conversations that rake up the past?

It sounds like you cannot really have an honest conversation with your dc because they're defensive and perhaps you protected them too well (well done you )? In which case, perhaps have a stock phrase of, "Well, that chapter's done with now, how about that sportsball match?" or something.

I don't think you can hope to set the record straight at this present time, and your best course is really to disengage from his machinations and from your dc's relationships with him - listen, give hugs, offer no advice/commentary.

And if you find his/her presence triggers you into behaviour you don't want, then I would look into counselling or some practical therapies to control and address that. Because you don't want that fucker to win, you're better than he is and you're gonna win at life, OP.

At some point you’ve just got to let it all go.

Definitely go with your new partner and let your Ex & OW see how loved you are by the children.

You can completely ignore them at the ceremony. What's the plans for afterwards?

If its a meal it would be tricky but perhaps dip out of that and meet them later.

Go and be proud that you have raised and supported your children.

Btw, I had a long term relationship and very easy for me & Ex to be civil however my subsequent marriage was abusive and for my health I could not be civil or around exH. He is intimidating and thrives knowing he causes me fear.
I have to avoid joint parents evenings so we take it in turns.
I do not know what will happen with graduations, I assume we will go, he will sit separately and we will just avoid each other. My family & friends would also be highly protective of me so can you surround yourself with family?

I don’t think we do adult children any favours when they are older by hiding and covering up for an abusive parents behaviour.
That’s just my opinion but why should a man who abuses his partner in anyway be allowed to get away with it in whichever way they do?
Why shouldn’t adults know the reality of their parent?
to all the parents who can do it. I wish I had such a good soul.

I still not sure. Of course I want to be there, I'm the one who has supported our DC's throughout.

I'm not even bitter about him and her on a daily basis, really over his abusive behaviour and her covering for him. I just think they are both bad mannered, rude and totally insensitive. Have some shame, admit your actions mean your not welcome as part of our family.

It doesn't sound like the dc are receptive, to me, 7yo7yo - and you can't convince adults of something they don't want to hear and are likely to respond badly to - it may just end up pushing them away.

• They may be thinking they're being "fair" to their parents by giving both sides equal weight/equal blame.
• They may be in the thrall of his manipulation and not yet ready to accept what it is. Covert abuse is hard to spot and won' be restricted to his partners.

When they have more life experience, they may see things differently. Maybe when they have kids themselves it'll throw new perspective. In the meantime, I'd be asking whether this is a battle I want to be fighting, and tbh I'd be too afraid his version would prevail.

Have some shame That's never going to happen, OP.