Etiquette, rules, way forward - OW and invitations to family events.

[SadieSteele]

Ohhh!

I'm trying to do the right thing but feel rubbish!

My EXH had an affair, left and eventually married OW. This was devastating, made worse by how they both treat me ( OW rang me to complain about my behaviour; sent me 'anonymous' letters; within 3 months would turn up and sit in the car on the drive as H collected DC's). I could write a book.

However, I moved 'out of the way', had to sell the house, change my job, move the DC's school and start over. Routine prevailed. Separate everything. DC's would have two birthday celebrations, two holidays ( actually not really as H never bothered) but if I hosted a party H wouldn't be invited.
Very occasionally EXH and OW have turned up at the same school event as me (when we would all pretend we hadn't seen each other and avoid any conversation - excruciating).
As the DC's became teenagers there wasn't any need for contact between EXH and I.

So, now DC's are 20 and 23 and increasingly I am faced with 'joint' family events. One DC is graduating and EXH and OW have assumed they are invited to the ceremony and weekend events. I want to be adult about it, but just can't seem to accept that this woman and my EXH destroyed my family and can just breeze into everything like nothing has happened.

More than that the stress of having to attend with them will ruin it for me. DC is shocked too that EXH has assumed OW is invited but won't be able to challenge his DF. DC felt OW wouldn't attend as she has never been interested in their lives.

To add to that particularly about the graduation, EXH supported DC financially for the first term at uni and has refused from then on. For the remainder of the 4 years my partner and I have paid DC a significant amount each month.

It just got me thinking, is this the start of having to accept that OW is part of our family. DC's are adults and may marry, have children, shared GDC's, christenings....

If I were the OW I would be more sensitive and keep a low profile, but this ain't going to happen.

What are the rules?
Do I really have to suck this up?
If I feel I can't share family celebrations with OW is it me that has to miss out?
Do DC's make the choice?
Is it acceptable for DC's to tell their DF he is welcome but not OW?
Am I being unreasonable?

This event feels like the start of the next stage. Accept OW now as part of the family celebrations and that will set the 'rules' for going forward for everything else or expect some humility and consideration now to set this as a way forward.

I really would appreciate your help and thoughts.

I think, if she ends up coming or not, use this as a practice at being an ice queen. Cool dignity towards them, be yourself with everyone else. Keep your body turned slightly away from them, I find that helps with seeing XH, and focus resolutely on DS.

Making this much of a drama out of it is just you emotionally bleeding all over what should be a happy event for your son. If you can't imagine attending a wedding with your ex-h and his wife there you really need to get some professional help sorting it all out in your head. This kind of long term bitterness will have a profound effect on your children.

I too am a child of divorced parents, now in my 40s. Acrimonious divorce and bitterness still despite my DM now being married to my DSD longer than she was to my DF.

I think if you can at all manage to do so, please try not to project this on to your kids. It's bloody excruciating and wearing being stuck in the middle of it all. It's no fun at all and my parents, in particular my DM, really made it much worse than it needed to be, by trying to make us pick sides (hers).

I do understand OP it's must be horrible, but as a PP said, actually, the shitty way my Dad behaved over the years has sort of been eclipsed now by my DM's bitterness.
It's always, 30 years on, still all about her.

In practical terms, if your DS could wangle one more ticket, maybe that could work? Please don't miss out on the graduation. You'll regret it. And it will spoil it for you son.

Hope you can get sorted, but this will likely be the start of lots of these sorts of events, and if you can grin and bear it, it will be more pleasant for your children. They KNOW how their father behaved. But they will be trying to make the best of a difficult situation and keep everyone happy. I'm not under any illusions about my Dads infidelity and his shit parenting, but he is still my Dad, and in recent years, since I've had my own family he's been much more supportive than my mum. Sending you best wishes.

I am the wife of a a man who was in similar situation to your DS. DH's mother just can't get over it. Her bitterness is consuming and she's like the emotional waking wounded. When we got married she wasn't in the slightest happy to have the OW there. The OW has been in DH's life for a solid 15 years and was in fact his stepmother! The stepmother was distant because she was trying to not cause further upset with MIL. At the wedding MIL's brother got a bit merry and danced with the stepmother. MIL literally burst into tears and caused a huge scene. It was frankly absurd. It caused DH a huge amount of upset at OUR WEDDING.

Yes, FIL left his marriage via an affair. No it wasn't nice. But it also wasn't as if he was some sort of serial philandering bastard. He's done his best to make amends with his kids and frankly he's far easier to be around than MIL. Now that there are grandkids they call MIL Granny and the stepmother is Granny x. Again MIL had the biggest of fits and sulks over this. The kids don't care nor should they even know about it all! Sadly it's MIL who we see the least of because I just can't bear how how everything is about her and her great gaping wound. I had a lot more sympathy for her in the beginning but years on I don't blame FIL for getting out by whatever means necessary!

When he rang his dad he should have stopped it right there. When his dad said 'we' - he should have said -"sorry dad I want my DP to have the 4th ticket and I don't feel OW has shown an interest in me, I didn't think she would be bothered"

No he “shouldn’t” have said or done any of those things - especially those nasty words.

He has done the right thing - he has listened, gone away and thought it through. Shame he has done this with you rather than someone more constructive / objective and less bitter.

I would be supporting this young adult to go back with a breezy explanation to the ticket allocation.

Maybe his stepmother doesn’t want to be there at all and would be delighted to escape it - maybe your xH said “we” to show extra support to a united front from them both for your DS.

He is an adult and should be supported in communicating a sensitive* decision confidently that he has thought through.

Your poor DCs have had years and years of your seething toxicity hurting, confusing and manipulating them - listen to all the adult children in here and how they deeply resented this behaviour. Choose not to continue to hurt your children anymore. It doesn’t mean forgiveness - there are other ways - get some therapy and lead a happier life.

As your children mature you may find that they begin to say ‘OK’ to your passive aggressive offers to ‘bow out’. Your choice. If you think that you are not causing internal stress for your children you are mistaken, and yes, it’s you causing this, not your ex husband or his long-standing wife.

I'm so sorry you feel worse than you did before you posted. I really do think that people who haven't been through this find it hard to understand the years of accumulated hurt and pain - not just for you but for your DC too. I'm fairly apalled by posters making assumptions about you and your behaviour too.

I really hope you can find a way through this. I sincerely hope you can be there as I'm sure that your DC would want you there above all else.

Big hugs to you. It sucks and some of the posts on here are downright nasty in my opinion.

Another20 -

. When his dad said 'we' - he should have said -"sorry dad I want my DP to have the 4th ticket and I don't feel OW has shown an interest in me, I didn't think she would be bothered"

They were DC's words, not mine. That is what he wanted to say to his DF because that's how he feels.

Another20
Your poor DCs have had years and years of your seething toxicity hurting, confusing and manipulating them

No, they haven't. Huge projection or assumption going on and a dreadful accusation. Talk about 'kick a man when he's down'!

You really have no idea. EXH and I have no contact at all. Last time we were all at an event together was 5 years ago.

DC's have or haven't ( they are bright people with a mind of their own) developed their own relationship with their DF as they see fit and based on their own experiences of him. I don't need to be party to that. They are the ones dealing with his lies (married without them knowing), his deceit ( I'll 'give' you a house...oh sorry it comes with a mortgage ..after one DC had moved in) his broken promises ( I'll take you to Australia for 6 weeks - has never happened, I'll pay for uni - and hasn't), his ' I don't believe in education' making the 'graduate' DC feel his DF doesn't value him.

I'm the one that has had to do the picking up and putting back together.

Your Dc is going to have to bite the bullet - there are 3 tickets, he wants you, his partner and his father there. He's going to have to call dear Daddy and say "in case there's been some confusion, my DP is having the last ticket, not your DP. If you don't want to come by yourself, I understand."

I also wanted to question why your DC feels unable to challenge their DF... ? It's their graduation, surely THEY get to pick who attends?

Your DC needs to call his dad back and say OW is not coming. Can he not do that? Is he afraid of his dad?

I think @TremblingFanjo has a good, simple and assertive suggestion- it would be the route I hope my son would have taken if it we had had to deal with similar. I count my blessings that it was strictly two tickets only.

The nice thing about graduation tickets is that extra ones are bloody hard to get. So your DS has an easy come back of ‘sorry. I tried to get an extra ticket for SM but I just can’t. I’ve managed to get enough that you can come though, dad.’

He’s totally entitled to want his own partner to attend.

Agree with TremblingFanjo and the other posts just above. Your DS needs to take a deep breath, ring his dad and say his piece.

My feedback to the OP is that back in the day when faced with an imminent martyred flounce from MIL we would back tracking wildly on the events leading to the “mix-up”. Maybe that isn’t the case with your son but the issue isn’t with him. It is with you. This isn’t the only situation and you have said you will be miserable at future events when she inevitably attends.

Nobody and certainly not the children can make this any easier for you. As others have said eventually there is no point trying because events get ruined anyway whatever you do. That’s already the case here. The only issue for you to get involved with is accepting your invite and turning up with a smile on your face. Whatever else your son decides.

If your son has a problem with his father it’s not something you can objectively resolve for him. Not now he is an adult.

Please leave it up to your son to handle OP - it is possible to keep it civil no matter what your son decides to do. My oldest DD is graduating next year and the adults in attendance shall be, her father and I - we divorced when she was 1. My ex DP - we split 18mths ago (after his affair) and his very nice girlfriend. My ex husbands ex wife - they split in January and her very nice new boyfriend and finally my new DP. She finds its hilarious and all very Jeremy Kyle..we can all take or leave each other but we love her and she loves us enough that she wants us all there with the partner who supports us (it would be hard for any one of us to be there alone!)

I agree that there are two issues there
1- the fact there isn't a ticket for the ow. Your ds assumed she wouldn't come and didn't plan around that. It's up to him to sort it out. I really hope he won't bow under the pressure and will still have his partner/your partner attend even if his dad puts a lot of pressure on him.
2- how you are feeling about being in the same room room than the ex and ow. That IS yours to deal with. But I know that my grand parents have had similar issues and this culminated in neither of coming to the wedding of their own son. My parents have never forgotten nor forgiven that. I'm sure your dc will be happy to avoid putting you next to each other to ease things off but after that I would do my utmost to ensure the atmosphere is good. Both fur yourself so you can enjoy that time and fir your dcs.
Learning to ignore is good and maybe counselling to learn ways to cope with it.
3- whatever your dcs decide to do re those events is up to them to decide. You've done a great job in supporting them, not putting thier dad down etc... carry on!

At DS graduation ,he just told me he had the tickets for me and DH.No input of who is coming from me!.Hes at least 21 presumably ? then a young adult who will tell his dad what is happening?.No need to get involved really.As for future events wait and deal with at that time TBH!.

I think that you have to make a real effort to get over it. Yes your marriage ended horribly but that's in the past. She isn't the OW she's your exes partner. You have a partner. Rise above it and move on. Apart from graduations you're going to have weddings, grandchildren etc to navigate. You're family can not be held to ransom by bitterness.

Still reading, thanks all.

Still not sure. I find it all so awkward. Last event DC spent his time moving between us in different areas of the room, time with them, time with us, back to them. Almost having to run between. No time to relax or enjoy anything. I'm sad that something so good can be so stressful.

If I was standing close to them they would walk away. If they stayed no one looked at each other or spoke. The tension was awful, uncomfortable and embarrassing. All of us trying to avoid each other.

DC won't challenge it now. He had planned, prior to ringing his dad, what he wanted to say about OW not attending and why. It didn't turn out like that. He didn't dare challenge his dad's assumption that OW would be invited.
Yes, I think he is scared of his dad, it is much easier to have those difficult conversations with me than him. So much easier to ring me back and say the call didn't go to plan, OW is attending, than challenge his dad about not wanting her there.

That's very difficult for you OP 💐

You should encourage your DS to go back and communicate his decision calmly and confidently to his DF. He need your support to learn how to assert his boundaries.

He has decided that he wants is own DP there and he should not stand having this overturned, which currently has not even been explored - your xH’s W may not even want to go.

It would be a good learning opportunity and would mean that he gets what he wants and deserves at his graduation. The worse that could happen after your DS explains that there are only 4 tickets and they have been allocated - is that your xH has a hissy fit, kicks off and doesn’t come. Result all round if that happened.

You should teach your DS not to be afraid of his DF and that he has every right to make decisions.