Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP what are you going to do? Now that you know everyone agrees he is being disgustingly abusive?

@chansondematin Oh Dear God................i dont know what else to say

That's absolutely disgusting chanson that made me so sad to read

I really don't know how I plan to get past this at the minute but I'll be sleeping alone for now I know that much.

Please don't worry about rape I'm absolutely sure he's not the sort. He gets disheartened about not getting sex but he's never come close to forcing himself onto me, hes not so much as raised his voice and we've been together a long time.

He's like an annoying horny teenager but he's not sexually violent.

@chansondematin that is truly awful

I try very hard not to be sexist but reading things like that makes me so bloody angry. Women just do not behave like that.

Just another voice echoing how well you’re handling this @mischone - I can see the scales are falling from your eyes in a big way.
It’s also obvious that you love your husband and he’s not awful all the time, but this aspect of your marriage and his attitude to it, and you as his partner and equal is enough to destroy all of that in a very short space of time if you, and more importantly he, can’t figure out a way to address it. Have you ever suggested therapy for him?

OP congratulations on your baby's arrival, I hope your recovery goes well.

I think your original text was very good. I would be inclined to make 2 things really explicit with him :

1. definitely no sex for a set period of time, by which I mean months. You still love him, but you are unwell and need at least this long to heal.
2. when that period of time is over, then there is no promise of sex at the end. It is just the earliest date on which you will re-evaluate. Possible outcomes on that date include setting another date to think again.

Much as it's a bit weird to set deadlines over something so personal, giving him a date might help him to truly park it, which is what you need and deserve.

He actually has been sexually violent to you by constantly trying to grope you and push you into sex he knows you don't want

As someone with ASD, I don’t think he understands the difference between not wanting sex and not wanting him.

I think he has it in his head that you are desiring him and hasn’t understood you have no sexual feelings right now. As a person with ASD it may be very hard for him to imagine things others feel if you’ve never felt it yourself. So he probably can’t even imagine what it feels like not to want sex as he is so highly sexed.

I would explain to him that you still love him and would find him attractive, were it not for your horrific experiences.

However, as a person with ASD, I would also be MORTIFIED to know that my behaviour has hurt a person I love, even if I know it was a genuine misunderstanding and I think you are quite within your rights to also explain that his sex pest behaviour has made you feel less attracted to him as you now feel that he prioritises sex over anything else.

Be very clear with him; clarify that “this behaviour makes it look like x and this makes me feel like y. Clarify that even if that is not what he meant, that is the consequence of his actions. If he truly cares and genuinely misunderstood, he will make serious efforts to amend his behaviour, right the situation and fully understand his mistake. If he doesn’t, then I think you have the right to be very angry and upset indeed.

Thank you for your insight @user1471548941 it's good to hear from somebody who can make sense of his thought process. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you said that it's hard for him to imagine me not wanting sex because he's so highly sex, I can see how somebody with ASD might struggle to process that.

I did again make it clear last night that my withdrawing from sex has no baring on how I feel about him and that I love him for who he is regardless of whether we're having sex. I also said that the way he was prioritising sex does make me feel that he cares more about sexual contact than he does me as a whole person and my feelings about my trauma.

It was at that point he asked me not to think bad of him and said he felt bad of himself.

I don't like the way I'm feeling toward him at the moment it's unfamiliar ground. The way he has been has given me the icks and is causing me to want to withdraw from him aswell as sex

I completely agree with user1471548941 that whilst his ASD has nothing to do with his high sex drive, it probably has a lot to do with his behaviour. I am getting really irritated by people shrieking that ASD doesn't mean abusive etc etc. Of course it doesn't.

However it most certainly can cause problems in communication and in any area where theory of mind would normally operate. In short, you can have a person who has whatsoever no idea that their actions can have an abusive impact on their partner and that this is entirely, genuinely unintentional.

This is a well documented problem in partnerships between ASD and NT partners. It gets shouted down on threads like these and this really concerns me, because it means that OPs are being denied their utterly valid take on their own relationship from within it.

They are the people actually facing these issues, and to be clear - the issue is how to address a behaviour from a partner who cannot and will never see that this behaviour is causing massive problems whilst understanding that the behaviour is not at all intended to be hurtful or abusive, but that it has the same result.

OP, there are many previous long running threads for and by ASD partners on this board. You may find that some of it helps.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

I've just joined that thread thank you for the suggestion

One of the things he said last night was that he just wanted me to know that he was still attracted to me and found me beautiful and was interested in me in that way even if I myself thought I looked like shit and lost my sex appeal

More pressure. He wants you to know he still wants you sexually.

Then he would say things like "sorry to frustrate you and wind you up" like his behaviour was causing me to be sexually frustrated

To him you’re just a hole he is mapping his own ideas and fantasies onto, without ever needing to find out how you actually feel. Because to him you’re the equivalent of a blow up doll. I can picture him using one of those repeating things like ‘oh baby you like that don’t you, yeah you love when I tease you’ when he knows full well that he won’t get anything back, because he doesn’t need anything back. His thing about ‘don’t use a vibrator’ is fucking disgusting. He didn’t ask you if you were feeling sexual or ready yet. He just got off on the idea that you’re so horny you can’t help yourself. When again, he has sub zero reason to think that.

OP, I have chronic urethral and bladder pain, have done for fourteen years. It’s so severe I take morphine daily. I’m fifteen weeks pregnant and pregnancy has increased my already intense pain so we’ve had sex twice since conceiving. OH has a super high sex drive. He masturbates daily and would have sex daily if he could. But he hasn’t tried it on once, since I told him I was in pain, the pain was worse, plus that I’m scared of making myself bleed after some bleeding earlier in the pregnancy. He understands I’m not in a sexual mood right now because how could I want any stimulation down there, let alone the trauma of penetrative sex, when it’s all so close together to my burning urethra? He understands I want my genital area leaving COMPLETELY alone and the most interaction I want him to have with it right now is passing me the heat blanket. He hasn’t pressured me for or hinted for oral because he’s a grown man with empty who realises that giving oral sex while in pain isn’t fun or enjoyable. And he understands I’m not just a set of holes.

This is the most disturbing thread I’ve ever seen on MN OP, in four years. He has this inability to listen to a thing you’re saying because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care. He has hands, if he’s horny he can masturbate. He’s not entitled to sex. This is truly terrifying, I feel sick for you and I’m wincing imagining anyone even trying to touch me when I’m in pain, let alone being pestered every fucking day by a man who thinks flashing his dick en route to the shower is enough to get you aroused and wanting him. He has zero emotional intelligence. I don’t even know what else to say. I think you need to ask him to leave for a while. I’m worried for your safety. He’s trying to coerce you into unwanted sexual contact. That’s abuse. You’re being abused at your most vulnerable. I am so, so sorry.

Coincidentally he IS somebody who does the "Oh you like that don't you, how much? Is that good yeah?" and such like when we are having sex. It's a turn off in itself as I'm not somebody who gets anything from dirty talk, it embarrasses me.

I'm very glad to know that alot of you don't have this problem when postpartum or dealing with health problems because it really is a massive pain in the arse and quite upsetting to be honest.

He's making a notable effort to be empathic today, he called me on his lunch break and said he had been doing alot of reading up about prolapse and uerethal pain to see what he could find out about the condition to better understand it and hopefully find some information that can help me (because as it stands i dont know exactly what is causing the burning ueretha)

I said all I need from him is to not feel hounded in my own home or made to feel like a vagina on legs.

I think if he mentions sex again over the next couple of months were going to have a serious problem because I have my doubts as to how long this apparent understanding will last until he gets the horn again.

@ChilliAndRiceIsVeryNice thank you and I'm so sorry you're suffering with pain there too. Can I ask if you found out the cause of the uerethal burning? I've had this for weeks now and it's truly driving me to distraction. I have an appointment at the GP tomorrow to have swabs taken so I hope they can tell me what the problem is. I suspected it was prolapse related but GP doesn't seem to think so.

The looking stuff up is a good sign I think. On our autism parenting course, someone asked how to help their autistic child act more appropriately when someone else is upset. They suggested finding something practical to do to help. It's one of those "language of love" things as long as he doesn't tip over into mansplaining.

Me and dp havent shagged since getting prego. Im almost 33weeks now. Been too ill then too wiped and feeling fugly! And there wont be any til god knows when after! Dp hasnt complained once, gets the odd handjob if im feeling like it but thats it. I hope you can get through to him. That would turn me right off probably for good.

I hope him looking things up doesn’t tip over into trying to cure you so you’re up for sex again. I’m a bit suspicious of his motives there- is he doing this for you, or for him?

I did wonder the same to be honest, then I don't know whether I'm being cynical because I'm still upset

Maybe visual aids will help. He might be just repeating things and not understanding how annoying and off the mark he is.
Take a photo of yourself, put a giant x across it like a no smoking sign and hand it to him any time he even looks crooked at you. I can't think of anything else. Good luck.

The ASD probably means looking up to know all about. It’s probably his practical problem solving language of love.

If he starts coming up with possible solutions for your prolapse it’s most likely because he wants to help, not just so he can get in your knickers, but it may be difficult to see it as anything else.

You can probably put it on ice by making sure he understands that until a medic has looked at the problem all potential treatment is unknown. Maybe send him down a look at the vaginal mesh scandal.

Plus a hefty reminder of the emotional trauma of the infection and worry for you and baby to make sure he is recognising that it is not only a physical problem.

I really hope he listens and makes you feel heard.

He's making a notable effort to be empathic today, he called me on his lunch break and said he had been doing alot of reading .........to see what he could find out about the condition to better understand it and hopefully find some information that can help me....... I said all I need from him is to not feel hounded in my own home or made to feel like a vagina on legs

What you said is crucially important and I hope he heard it.

He doesn’t need to read the manual and then give you instructions on how to fix the broken “sex on demand “ machine.

He needs to do some work to fix HIS OWN PROBLEM which is selfishness, a massive sense of entitlement and an incredible lack of empathy. This very serious problem is jeopardising your marriage.

You and your medical team can deal with your medical condition.

Something I'm thinking about is how will he respond to the potential that I may not want sex for some months to come, he might now be saying he won't mention it again and will be as patient as I need, but what about if in another 2-3-4 months I'm still not ready?

Ive taken on-board the advice I've received here and have no intention of back tracking and resuming things until I'm good and ready, but i can see this being a problem for him long term.

Of course that's his problem and not mine, but I wouldn't put it past him looking elsewhere seeing as he's so highly sexed and frankly obsessed with it.

I can do without all of this at the moment let alone the worry about him then cheating.

There's nothing to suggest he will other than the fact he acts like a horny teenager but that alone is good enough grounds to wonder isn't it.

Re. your burning urethra, could it be catheter trauma?
If so then treatment with local anaesthetic may help.Perhaps suggest this at your next appointment.
Hope you begin to feel better soon and DH behaves himself.

he called me on his lunch break and said he had been doing alot of reading up about prolapse and uerethal pain to see what he could find out about the condition to better understand it and hopefully find some information that can help me

Based on what he’s been like so far, I’d assume this is his way of trying to fix the problem ASAP so he can get back to sex on tap. Why isn’t he spending time researching trying to find out wtf his problem is and what’s normal post partum and why he’s such a selfish prick? Anything he does under the guise of being supportive will just seem like him attempting to get back to you not refusing sexual contact ASAP. The only thing that’ll convince me otherwise is a sustained period, months, of him actually listening and stopping all of this awful behaviour.

If I was faced between sexual contact I didn’t want and that hurt me versus the worry my partner would cheat, I’d take the approach that even if he DID cheat he’d have shown himself to be a man not worth being with, full stop. You might feel differently in a week or two and as it starts to sink in what he’s been doing to you it might even seem less of a fear he cheats as if you separated, well at least you could have some peace and not be sexually coerced in your own home with a new baby and children to be thinking about. If someone is going to cheat that’s on them. You can’t cause cheating. People cheat when they’re having sex daily at home. Honourable people don’t cheat if they’re sexually unhappy beyond the point they can tolerate it, they end things so they can pursue intimacy elsewhere. I cannot stress how normal it is to have a period of several months after the most normal births of not wanting sex, let alone when you have a birth injury. If this incentivises him to cheat he’d cheat anyway. Like I say, we’ve had sex maybe twice in three months. I know OH would prefer more. But he and I would prefer more that I’m not in agony or doing something I feel uncomfortable with!

I never really found out what the cause is re my urethra, it’s theorised that I have neuropathic damage in the area from having had a very painful UTI for six months aged eleven, when your body is growing a lot, I didn’t get it treated and so I was in excruciating pain for over half the year. It’s also similar to interstitial cystitis. I think it’s too soon for you to know whether this is going to get better when you physically heal or not. If not there are things you can do, for me it helps to be very hydrated as when my urine is concentrated it’s much more painful. Obviously I rely on morphine to function, but simple things like a heat blanket wedged down there between my thighs really helps too, I find the heat/burning on my skin takes my focus away from my urethra for the duration I’m using the blanket. It’s a miserable location for pain as you can’t just put it in a sling. I’m unable to have sex a lot of the time due to the pain which I was honest about from the start with OH, it’s kinda awkward having to explain in the first few dates before going to bed together that sex sometimes really hurts and you might have to stop halfway through and you don’t want the guy to feel hesitant or scared or treat you with kid gloves but you do want them to know about this so it’s on the table they’re not getting a girlfriend who can have endless sex... but we all come with issues. A loving partner will work with them, with you.

Hope you’re okay OP. And I hope you keep the thread updated if you’re at all able to. I hope so much you get some peace.

All I've detected in your OP is that he's saying "my needs, my needs, mine, me, me, me, me". He's being a cunt and not caring about your physical or mental health, and only about himself.

I have a high sex drive, and it's not an excuse for him to bombard you like this, although he is thinking it is and that his needs trump yours. Was over 20 weeks before DP felt ready, and I waited for her to initiate. There were a few times at first we had to stop due to pain etc.

Tell him to fuck himself, he's being an utter dick so he shouldn't find it too difficult.