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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/06/2019 11:26

You basically can't
They're the same person

If either of your children are girls then you're giving them his example of how a man would treat them. What advice would you give your daughter if her husband was like this?

AyBeeCee10 · 26/06/2019 11:32

So he was a sex pest from years ago. Nothing has changed , he wont change. If anything at the worst time of your life his pervert ways have shone through and taken priority. Why are you not seeing this and making so many excuses for him.

Mischone · 26/06/2019 11:34

No excuses being made for him, I wouldn't even take sex addiction as an excuse if it was diagnosed by a psychologist. He is responsible for his behaviour I know that.

What might have appeared as me making excuses for him was me questioning whether his ASD played a part in him not being able to relate to how I felt about sex. It's not an excuse for him being a sleaze.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 26/06/2019 11:36

So now it's he thought you were off sex because maybe you felt unattractive? FFS! he won't ever ever get it will he?

ASD, "maybe an excessive amount of testosterone".......or just addicted to sex, thinking about sex, pestering for sex......it's been a long standing issue hasn't it?

Whatever it is, it's not right to treat you like a wanksock or blow up doll.

Mischone · 26/06/2019 11:38

I'm quite revolted by his behaviour at the moment to be honest, and to answer the poster who asked what I'd say if my DD was on the receiving end of similar selfishness I would of course tell her to run a mile.

Easier said than done in practice though with children including a newborn, a house, entwined finances etc.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/06/2019 11:41

I had PTSD after a traumatic delivery and the hospital were very helpful. I saw a couple of midwives with expertise in the area. It really helped.

Later, when I was pregnant with my second a planned CS was a given, which was a relief. My obstetrician said I could try for a vaginal delivery if I wanted but if it was her she'd go for a CS.

RantyAnty · 26/06/2019 11:43

So sorry you're having to deal with his pestering in addition to all the trauma you've been through.

I hope he realises that you are a person, a human being, with feelings.

Your body is still healing up and no way I would want a man's dirty knob or mouth near me while trying to heal. I hope that the hospital services can't assist you more dealing with the emotional trauma of all this. Flowers

I wonder if some of these sex pests would want to have sex if their OH had been in a serious car accident with limbs in casts, lacerations, etc. with their thinking well her vagina wasn't damaged so all good. Angry

Mischone · 26/06/2019 11:43

fairydustandpixies I'm laughing Grin

You're braver than I am Prawn, it's put me off for life Sad

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/06/2019 11:46

When I was a new mum DH took the view that as I was taking care of the baby it was his job to take care of me. The timing of sex was entirely up to me. That's how decent men operate.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/06/2019 11:51

Your experience, particularly post partum, was far, far worse than mine, Mischone. But the memory plays what can be useful tricks. You remember the joy of a newborn while the worst memories of the birth fade. I had a second 2.5 years later. Planned CS. Though they managed to screw that up too.

magneticmumbles · 26/06/2019 11:52

My husband managed 6 months with nothing during my pregnancy because I had awful morning sickness and then 3 months post birth because I'd had an episiotomy. So he went 9 months in total with no sex. Men can do this, and if they say they can't, they're a lying sex pest. Don't give in to him.

Mischone · 26/06/2019 11:54

The reason this hasn't been as big a problem as it is now is because prior to the past 8 weeks I've always enjoyed a very active sex life, it was difficult to see the wood from the trees when I've always been an enthusiastic partner.

I've thought for a very long time that he's highly sexed but been blind to just how much of an issue that is until now Sad

OP posts:
sprouts21 · 26/06/2019 11:55

One of the things he said last night was that he just wanted me to know that he was still attracted to me and found me beautiful

I really hope you can see this for the abusive manipulate statement it actually was, along with the earlier pity party. I divorced someone like this and I've heard similar ridiculous excuses. It sounds to me he's been sexually abusing you for a long time. Did he really think something would happen in a busy restaurant, or was he trying to humiliate you? Because that's what sexual abusers do, they get off on the harassment, the humiliation and the unwanted sexual contact.

I'm really not surprised he's a porn dog either.

anon812 · 26/06/2019 12:00

Omg he is absolutely disgusting

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 26/06/2019 12:01

I wonder if some of these sex pests would want to have sex if their OH had been in a serious car accident with limbs in casts, lacerations, etc. with their thinking well her vagina wasn't damaged so all good. angry

@RantyAnty It wouldn't surprise me in the least!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 26/06/2019 12:07

I remember reading on a Mumsnet thread that there are men pushing for sex on the maternity ward and staff are watching out for it. It's a massive red flag for coercive control and abuse.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 26/06/2019 12:11

Oh yes Prawn, I remember a midwife telling me one man was trying to insist his post partum wife was discharged from hospital because he needed sex.

Mischone · 26/06/2019 12:15

He wasnt being sexual whilst I was in hospital, but within a couple of days of getting home after being in there a fortnight he was making what he thought were sexy comments.

Then he would say things like "sorry to frustrate you and wind you up" like his behaviour was causing me to be sexually frustrated Hmm

He was even implying giving me (non penetrative) sexual contact downstairs before my lochia had completely stopped, thinking it might be ok if he stimulated me with his fingers.

I'm repulsed as I read that back to myself.

I'm not convinced he realises he's skating dangerously close to abuse, because the deluded man actually thought I would like it.

OP posts:
Mischone · 26/06/2019 12:22

The restaurant incident a few years ago was him grabbing my bum or boobs, I don't remember which, whilst we were in a queue.

I addressed it when we left and his response was sorry he was just teasing me for when we got home.

Suffice to say I wasn't impressed but it was a one off so I let it slip, but it has come back to mind after all of this business now.

It's just more evidence of him being a sleaze I think.

OP posts:
Mischone · 26/06/2019 12:25

He's very good with the children being a hands on father and has done more than his fair share of taking care of everything and making sure I only do the bare minimum whilst I was unwell, but somehow doesn't have the same consideration about sex.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 26/06/2019 12:25

What gets me is that he thinks you are masturbating? Is he jealous of the new baby op? His behaviour is extremely attention seeking - I sober of he's competing with the baby somehow for your affections (and clearly to him affection=sex).

What is also chilling is the fact that he's trying to make out it's for your benefit too. He's so self absorbed.

OliviaBenson · 26/06/2019 12:26

Wonder not sober!

Socksontheradiator · 26/06/2019 12:28

Crikey I've just read the whole thread and could hardly believe what I was seeing! You have handled this so well @mischone. I really hope he finally gets it, leaves you alone and steps upas a decent husband/father.
Best wishes to you for a full recovery Flowers

Mischone · 26/06/2019 12:39

I don't think he's jealous of the baby per say as he's very much a good father toward the children and dotes on new baby, although I do know he misses the fact we used to have sex alot more before we had her. There may be something in that I'm not sure.

He really is self absorbed where sex is concerned, he thinks if he's alluring and he gives me the come on or tries to turn me on I'm going to want to pounce on him. Sadly there's not much in the world that could make me inclined to do that, with anybody at the moment, not even tom hardy. He's acting very shallow and I told him that last night too.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 26/06/2019 14:27

I may get flamed or i may just be saying what others are thinking but im very worried he is going to attempt to rape you OP