Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

Just re-read your OP, he's actually displaying narcissistic traits here.

OP, why doesn't he understand that you are in pain? That anything sexual causes you more pain? why would he want to hurt you by doing anything sexual before you have healed properly? Does causing you pain not matter to him? Does his sexual satisfaction trump all of that? Sex isn't going to take your pain away, it makes it worse.

You have said you share when you are in pain or discomfort with him so why does he not get it?

He is being unbelievably selfish. Initiating sex shouldn't be on his mind at all when you are so obviously in pain and need time to heal. He should be thinking 'how can I help Mischone?' not 'I will pester my wife so we can have sex '.

Looking up your health conditions is all well and good, but you don't need him to come up with a solution to resolve your issues. You need him to bloody understand what you are going through.

He's minimising your birth and your birth injuries.

It's almost like he doesn't quite believe you? But he must do, because he was there?

I can't believe he thinks you're at it with a vibrator!

Also : the way the is behaving shows you his true colours. Is your relationship only about sex? His needs?

Oh and there's a baby involved in all of this, a newborn!

Mind, boggled, again.

I've been reading the thread. Ok, you have suffered and are suffering. You deserve love and respect and tlc. And your husband has been an insensitive, stupid man when it comes to expecting sex from you. But in all other areas, from what youve said, he is a good husband and father. Why on earth would you leave him, as some are suggesting here? Yes, he has been dense and selfish but you have explained to him and, so far, he has said he now understands. You have a new, precious dd, and alot of healing to do. Please be careful on here- there are alot of bitter women who have suffered abuse at the hands of awful men. Your husband doesn't sound one of them to me. You need to work together with him. Communicate, be a family. Your hormones and stress levels are running high. Try and keep talking to him, not just mumsnet. I hope you can get a peaceful road to recovery with your lo and partner

Except he's being totally unrelenting, simply being a "good father/husband in other ways" doesn't give him carte blanche to act in this manner. @Notashandyta

Please be careful on here- there are alot of bitter women

I'm not a woman, FWIW.

Thing is - it's not up to the doctors to say when you can or should dtd again. It is totally up to you! You need to tell him to bugger off and tell him in a way that the message gets through. He's not a mind reader. Tell him exactly what you think/feel and tell him no bonking/blow jobs/tongue or any such goings will be happening anytime soon. You also need to explain to him that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever - you don't have a condition that warrants him looking up anything on the interweb.
And please also tell him he is being a sex pest and that if he really needs to be googling something then he should begin with those two words.

Oh OP I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said.

After my C-Section birth I was ready to DTD after two weeks but my DH made me wait until my 6 weeks sign off, even though he was as rampantly horny as me at the time. Even then he was incredibly caring and worried I'd get hurt (whilst I was inwardly screaming GIVE
ME AN ORGASM GODDAMNIT!)

I read posts like yours and it makes me so angry that there are men like this out there who are more concerned with their needs being met and getting their dicks wet than the health of their partners.

You've got the stress of your health and new baby and you don't need the worry about his poor little blue balls. The fact you're even thinking that he'll find it elsewhere is awful. You shouldn't be having to think like this when you're healing.

My sister ended her relationship with someone similar. His needs and constant pressure were the reason she now has two babies under 18 months

@Mischone your description of what you've been through has made me cry. You deserve him to be the kindest, strongest, most considerate husband and father IN THE WORLD.

I dont believe this is anything to do with his Asd. He doesn't need to research your injuries, he simply needs to accept the word No. Is he able to accept the word No in other circumstances and from other people?

It is absolutely horrific that you are having to worry about his dick and his potential for cheating.

Bromide.

Yes, I think I should stress that what your DH has been doing is OUTRAGEOUS and VERY CLOSE TO UNFORGIVABLE.

When I think of the tenderness and care DH showed me I feel so furious on your behalf. Decent men want to take care of their injured DPs. Like the bloke who posted upthread they wait for you to make the first move. You deserve so much better.

I get that in other ways you're more than happy with DH, but he needs to know that this sex pest business could torpedo your whole relationship.

Sorry for shouting, but you can't see me jumping up and down.

@Notashandyta what a load of apologist nonsense. And leaping to insulting conclusions about a lot of women commenting to boot.

Ok, you have suffered and are suffering
Very dismissive wording.

But in all other areas, from what youve said, he is a good husband and father. Why on earth would you leave him, as some are suggesting here?
Hey, I know he is sexually harassing you whilst you recover from serious birth injuries and a near death illness - even after being explicitly told not to - but come on, he does do the hoovering 🙄

but you have explained to him and, so far, he has said he now understands
Nope. He said he understood, but then almost immediately questioned OP on whether she still fancied him, because he quite obviously DOESN'T understand or hadn't listened to her.

Please be careful on here- there are alot of bitter women who have suffered abuse at the hands of awful men
Just open mouthed at how rude and judgemental this is. Yes, there are women who have suffered abuse and recognise the signs. There are also women like me, who are very happily married to wonderful men and can still see when someone is being treated badly. This statement manages to minimise the seriousness of marital coercion and sexual harassment, whilst also implying that women who are survivors of domestic abuse are out for revenge and trying to break up perfectly wonderful marriages. Such an appalling sentiment on both counts.

Your hormones and stress levels are running high
Here we go 🙄 Yes her poor little hormone addled lady brain is causing her to persecute her loving husband.

Whatsinaname I just don't want to see her ending her marriage over this. It's a tough time for all after a baby, especially with a traumatic birth. Communication is the way forward here. Asking if she still fancies him after she's explained she can't have sex for a while smacks of insecurity and surely deserves a simple of course I still fancy you, and want to have sex as soon as I'm ready but not before etc.
It wasn't apologist, I said he'd acted like an inconsiderate idiot. And it's widely known and parodied that women on here say LTB far too easily.
Breaking up a family over this would be very sad for all concerned. Just my opinion whatsinaname, like you have yours. No need for the ott reaction.

And fwiw, not acknowledging that many women suffer terribly with up and down hormones after having a baby is pretty lame. Of course they do, it's fact.

@Notashandyta Your second comment just reinforces the impression you gave with your first, which is that you simply don't grasp the seriousness of this man's behaviour. At all. The reason you think my reaction is OTT is because you are failing to recognise that this is really quite abusive behaviour and something that women should not have to accept. End of. Comments like yours are part of the narrative that encourages so many women stay in unhappy and dangerous relationships. It is not a woman's duty to stay with a man who mistreats her in order to keep a family together. That's not her sole responsibility. When you say "oh it would be so sad to see a family split over this" what you are actually saying is "suck it up, who cares what he does to you as long as YOU don't split the family up".

And fwiw, not acknowledging that many women suffer terribly with up and down hormones after having a baby is pretty lame. Of course they do, it's fact

Again, you have really failed to grasp the point. Of course hormones have various effects on women during and after pregnancy (and throughout their lives). A primary school child would know that. What I don't agree with, is the implication that this means OP is somehow exaggerating or misreading the situation. I can't think of any other reason why you'd bring it up. Her hormone levels are simply not relevant to her husbands attempts to coerce her into having sex that she doesn't want.

Whatsinaname Youve put alot of words in my mouth with your last two posts and made alot of assumptions about me that simply aren't true.

I guess only the op knows her husband properly, and she'll take all the advice given here on board when moving forward.

I hope she feels better soon and is getting the care she deserves.

OP just to say, as well as the trauma from your birth, please don’t underestimate the psychological impact of sepsis - it’s well documented, I suffered it, the panic attacks and flashbacks are really common x

Some posters here like Notash have very low expectations of men and atavistic conservative notions of women sacrificing themselves for their family.

If he’s not actually thumping you you should crack on.

I really hope that OP can get through to her DH and he reforms his MO. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Oh OP this is one of the most awful , horrible things I've ever read on Mumsnet

You sound really poorly and suffering from horrendous trauma.

Have you any friends or family or a.decent health visitor to give you some support as you recover?

In all honestly I could not live with a man like that.

and made alot of assumptions about me that simply aren't true

Haven't done this once 🤔

As for putting words in your mouth, the only part of either of my replies to you that could be accused of that, is this: When you say "oh it would be so sad to see a family split over this" what you are actually saying is "suck it up, who cares what he does to you as long as YOU don't split the family up". Which I absolutely stand by, because put into practice that advice could never mean anything else.

I sincerely, sincerely hope that neither OP nor any other woman in similar circumstances who might stumble upon this thread, read your comments and doubt themselves. Sometimes it takes a lot to be able to see what's happening to you - OP talked earlier about not being able to see the wood for the trees in the past - and to accept that behaviour that has been normalised in the past is not OK. The last thing women like that need is some random on the internet gaslighting them into thinking that it's all in their hormonal minds and it's just a bit "inconsiderate".

Couldn't agree more with you Whats, I'm 18 months in from near death birth trauma, husband not coped, as in developed into an abusive relationship the first night we came home with the baby. I have lost count of the friends who I have alienated myself from by trying to talk about it and his behaviour, it would be a shame to break up your new family over it if he's a good dad and partner in other ways, all you need is a break, a holiday, a date night etc. Hasn't helped, has silenced me, minimised and delayed my recovery and seeking outside help. One instance is not ok, two, three or years of it, if a behaviour or action isn't ok by you, that's enough. Yes it's a shame a family doesn't stay together, but its worse to raise a child in the image of an abusive parent. Hopeless, hapless bumbling male behaviour or not, which I don't believe, excuses excuses, this isn't acceptable. Or normal. Or OK. Mumsnet and Women's Aid have helped me. The line about when he shows you who he is, listen, its true. I've read posts for domestic abuse for a year and half, lurked, never posted. Looking at a house Ive been offerred after a long wait and packing in secret, to rent, next week for me and my son, to leave him, because it's the right thing to do. Doing Freedom. Breaking up my family, because I am uncomfortable with some aspects of my husband's behaviour. Not all of it, but some. That's all. Shouted at, pushed hit, insulted, coercion, sexual or not is abuse, controlling behaviour is abuse, sexual harrassment is abuse. Control, emotional blackmail, manipulation. Dressed up as fun, flirting. That is enough reason to leave. Or say no. No thank you, no is a complete sentence? Its not ok at work, or in the street, its not funny, so why is it ok at home? You shouldn't have to explain, or negotiate or endlessly be patient. No thank you. Always the threads about should I leave, I used to think maybe try and make it a go, now I say go, live, take control from partners who cannot truly support you, without reading, because if you're questioning it, it's not ok. It is harder, at first and when you are deciding to go, but safer and better. If you had been assaulted and were injured by a stranger would he still be putting you under such pressure?
No paragraphs, soz for all the long block of text.

I agree with @WhatsInAName19, NoTash you have been very patronizing and dismissive in the way you have addressed the OP and the so-called "bitter women" of MN. The OP came here because she is suffering and posters have given their perspective - actually very few have come out and said LTB - and she is an adult who is more than capable of making her own decisions. I don't think WhatsIn has made assumptions about you at all, quite the contrary.

Sorry to derail the thread a bit OP, I hope you are ok and I really hope that you have managed to get through to him. We are here for you either way and you should not feel guilty about taking whatever decision you need to take.

Agreed Mother, not saying leave him, just because I am leaving, only that obvs its not ok and that well meaning people saying give it a go its not so bad otherwise made it last longer for me, which hasn't helped. That doesn't help women, that's all I meant. Not bitter, but hurt, experienced.

I agree Brigid, that wasn't aimed at you btw, I agree it's totally not ok of the OP's DP or yours or any other man! I also recognize some things, not post partum (i can't even imagine) but the coercion etc, and it gives me chills, luckily I left and I have not looked back. I'm sure you won't either and I'm sorry for what you have been through

It wasn't apologist, I said he'd acted like an inconsiderate idiot

No. He's acted like a sexual predator. The days of assuming men are hapless idiots in relation to their dicks is over. Every single one of the behaviours the Op describes is classed as sexual abuse by professionals.

I'm really glad that Whatsinaname19 has challenged this because it's these sort of attitudes that contributed to me staying with a rapist. A lot of it came from my own female relatives.