Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

I would clearly say that the current state of no sex will be for a minimum of (insert number of weeks you feel suitable).You want him to be fully understanding of that so you can recover without this unwanted and inappropriate behaviour.
It sounds like your DH needs things laid out very simply.

Thank you for the support you lot, much appreciated

That's very interesting how your husband also has ASD and you experienced the same middleage3 I did wonder if there was a connection between his lack of empathy on the matter and not realising he had unrealistic expectations.

When he first apologised I thought ok he's heard me loud and clear, it shouldn't be an issue anymore and the matter has been put to bed, but then after me explaining my position in the clearest possible way the "aren't you interested in me any more" rubbish made me wonder whether the apology was sincere in the first place.

I'd love nothing more than to bugger off for a few days and treat myself but I have appointments the rest of this week so it isn't an option unfortunately. Perhaps I'll indulge in a spot of retail therapy at the weekend

This is horrendous. You need to tell him loud and clear. Honestly, this would be a LTB for me. At least until he stopped acting so disgustingly. I felt sick reading your post. I had similar birth to you ... PPH, ventouse tears stitches etc and it took me SIX MONTHS to dtd. My dh waited and waited until I gave the signal, which is the least you should expect.

Havent read the whole thread. Isnt pressurising someone like this into sex actually illegal??? If not why not?
The high sex drive isnt an excuse. Me and my partner both have a stupidly high sex drive but it gets ignored if one of us isnt up for it or is in pain mentally or physically and needs attention in a different way.

"it's just been on the news that there's been an outbreak of the invasive group A disease that I survived. I can't remember where they said it was, but there has been fatalities"

its where i am 12 dead.

Your DH is a sexually abusive bastard. I hope he has taken in what you have told him.

I survived a gallstone,gallbladder surgery,pancreatitis,sepsis,blood clot,emergency c section all at 30 weeks pregnant and it took me three fucking months to recover OP and if my husband pulled that shit I think I'd have murdered him!
All my pain was abdominal and not perineum or vaginal so in that respect I'm fortunate but I had ptsd and I think you do. Please sort some counseling,love I had a shrink visit me post natal in hospital.
Best of luck!

He is a disgusting pervert! How can you even look at him let alone want to ever be intimate with him. I would be hugely resentful and wouldn't be able to ever forgive this. What a vile man he is. Dirty, dirty pervert.

An awful pestering sex addict. I could not stand any man with these kind of attitudes,and a lack of understanding for a wife's condition. It's all too grim to contemplate !

Not convinced by the ASD angle - there are far more sex pest men than there are ASD sufferers.

I just think you’ve got a DH who’s on the spectrum who is also a sex pest.

Sometimes people take the lack of empathy stereotype too literally - very often ime ASD types are actually very sensitive. Nor are they necessarily more self-centred - some are lacking a strong sense of self.

I also think the ASD thing is a red herring. Our whole family has ASD - dh, me and ds and ds attends an autism specific specialist school so we have a LOT of contact with people with Asd. I can’t think of a single one that would think this was understandable or excusable. Empathy with ASD can actually go the polar opposite to the way people think - sometimes there is too much empathy, to the point it’s almost painful. Plus, the fact he was there and saw everything that happened- as in a visual reference of how awful it all was - means if he has ASD he should be able to grasp this from a literal point of view.

I really think the ASD is actually irrelevant. He’s just a nasty sex pest.

If he needs logic, explain to him that your bladder is currently taking up his penis space.
FFS!
This makes me so angry. It's not autism, it's male entitlement, pure and simple!

Op it might be worth you looking into whether your local NHS offers a birth afterthoughts service. I accessed that after my traumatic birth and I had some specialist counselling with an ex midwife counsellor. It really helped me to come to terms with what happened. Even after that I needed some intensive CBT to cope with the anxiety that the experience left me with so soon as you feel ready it's worth getting on the waiting list to get some help or if you can afford to fund privately then I would do that. Your mental health is paramount far more important than your pestering husband's dick.

I agree that in all probability the lack of understanding and respect on the matter is not a result of his ASD, but it did make me wonder.

I think it would have been easier to accept he just doesn't get things rather than it is to accept he's a total sex pervert iykwim.

Im supposed to have been referred for a debrief at the hospital from my midwife, well when I had one.

Haven't heard anything yet and don't know how long these things usually take but I definitely think it's something I need to do

Gross. I fail to understand why any woman would be interested in a bloke like this!! In life, things happen. What would happen if you got a serious illness? Would he be trying to stick it in you and flashing you then? It’s just grossly inappropriate. Life basically revolves around his penis. Yukk. He sees you as a sex object and nothing more. If he respected you, he’d leave you alone.

I take it you were left alone last night OP? I hope so! I'm glad you're going to access some help for the aftermath of your ordeals. The constant penis pushing by your 'D'H could easily have pushed you over the edge.

I slept alone yes, he was on the sofa.

We've barely spoken this morning as he looks awkward and I'm still pissed off.

This constant stinging down below is making me very cranky, not that I wouldn't have good reason to be regardless.

You poor thing, he really is making life worse for you. Have you tried Epsom salts in the bath ? Might help

Op pls dont excuse him on the basis of his ASD. You have spelt it out to him, in text and words. He has seen what you have gone through. He is seeing you in pain. It's not his ASD, it's his perverse entitlement to your body.
I would honestly be put right off him so much so that it would be the end of my relationship. I wouldnt be able to forgive and most past being treated like this after an almost near death experience. He is disgusting.
You have almost sacrificed your life, gave him a daughter and still going through so much yet the biggest priority on his mind is treating your body as an object.
If your dd came to you in your position what would you do. Would you make excuses for her husband, tell her to persevere or would you advise her to respect herself and leave this man.

One of the things he said last night was that he just wanted me to know that he was still attracted to me and found me beautiful and was interested in me in that way even if I myself thought I looked like shit and lost my sex appeal, which is all very nice in principal but i didn't need to be sexually harassed to know that and a simple compliment would have sufficed.

I really do think he has a problem with sex, perhaps not sex addiction per say but maybe an excessive amount of testosterone or something.

I know he used to watch porn alot which I have no problem with, he probably still does that. I don't know whether it's just a high sex drive but it seems excessive to me, like he's literally obsessed with sex.

I'm somebody who enjoyed a healthy sex life as much as most but even before I had our DD I'd always felt he was sometimes too much in that respect.

He's just trying to excuse his disgusting behaviour. Clearly the apology wasn't genuine when he's then trying it on again 5 minutes later. Ugh. I would actually divorce my husband if he acted like this but then he wouldn't because he loves me and doesn't treat me like a broken sex doll when I don't want a shag.

just here to add to all the others voices
saying that your DH has behaved appallingly and continues to show little understanding or empathy for your wellbeing

as for my two cents my DD2 just turned 6 months and me and DH are still to DTD despite me having a relatively easy and straightforward birth. I’m breastfeeding, co sleeping and frankly I just don’t feel like it. DH hasn’t said a word and I don’t expect he will. He was exactly the same after DD1 and made no advances until I was ready. Because you know, he’s a decent man who cares about me and he’s got a perfectly good hand for the meantime

I worry that if he's like this whilst I'm suffering from birth trauma it's likely as good as it gets isn't it.

I recall having a conversation with him a few years ago where I voiced my concern about his obsession with not only sex but everything to do with it.

IIRC that conversation came about after he was acting like a horny teenager in a busy restaurant and it embarrassed me.

Much like last night he appeared to take everything on board initially but clearly learnt nothing from that conversation either.

I don't want a sex pest for a husband I want the other side to him that is sweet, loving and a good father. I don't know how I can have the latter without having the first one.

ASD isnt an excuse, but one issue with some people with ASD is less developed theory of mind, which is the ability to infer what other people are thinking from their actions and assumption that other people think the same as you. He could, in theory, believe that because he cant imagine losing interest in sex unless he had gone off someone, that he cant understand that you could go off sex without losing interest in the relationship.
I dont know how much spelling out you should have to do to someone as an adult though. Just because hes autistic doesnt mean he doesnt have to work on his own issues, or can get away with denying its an issue at all.

How about sexting him this whilst he's at work:

DH, I'm feeling very kinky. I've bought a watermelon and can't wait to slide it up into your anus. Actually, they were BOGOF so I've got another one for you for tomorrow night too! Get ready to lie back and think of England, darling...