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Original poster

Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 09:53

My patience with him really has ran out. If it wasn't bad enough that I had to address the sex thing in the first place he then holds it against me as if I were being mean to say anything of the sort.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2019 10:08

He’s a nasty cunt on so many levels Angry

Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 10:32

He's saying he falls asleep before feeding her by accident, same with locking the door.

It's funny how he's awake enough to turn the tv off and go and lay down though isn't it.

OP posts:
upple · 07/07/2019 10:42

Sounds like you're being punished OP.

WhatsInAName19 · 07/07/2019 11:25

We had a row the other day during which he threw in my face that he was scared to hug me and has to tread on egg shells because of what I addressed with him.

This is just like all the pervy, sexually abusive men who responded to #MeToo with "you can't even talk to a woman nowadays". It's bullshit. He is either saying that he genuinely doesn't know the difference between a hug and a grope/sexual harassment Hmm, or he's trying to minimise what he's done by equating it with a simple cuddle.

If he isn't keeping the house secure then he is putting you and your children at risk. I'm not trying to scaremonger, but we had a spate of home invasions in our area (very run of the mill, smallish town) last year where a gang were gaining entry to people's homes in the middle of the night, shouting and wearing balaclavas, terrorising and assaulting the residents and stealing belongings. You need to know that your home is secure. If he can't be trusted to secure the house where his family are living, you need to seriously consider whether he should be under the same roof. He's not forgetting to lock up. He's a grown adult who must surely be very familiar with the routine of securing a house every single night. It's deliberate.

Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 12:04

That's more or less what I said, about home invasions and putting us all at risk.

Although our home is on an ok street it's not in a particularly nice area, crime is very much a thing around here and his lax attitude to home security astounds me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 12:06

I also pointed out the huge difference between a hug and being pestered for sex.

He knows exactly what he's doing I refuse to believe he's that stupid he doesn't know the difference.

It's just a stone to twist and throw at me because he's in the wrong and can't morally defend his corner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 12:08

It's definitely all deliberate because I've picked him up about both things multiple times before so he knows full well.

OP posts:
chansondematin · 07/07/2019 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 07/07/2019 12:18

He's becoming very hard work isn't he? Now you've made it clear you're not prepared to be his sex doll he's turning you into his nagging mummy

Original poster
Mischone · 07/07/2019 12:42

Very hard work indeed.

The sominex are great so far, I've only took half a pill per night as I don't want to develop a tolerance too quickly. They've definitely helped me get to sleep. I'll definitely buy them again but perhaps from a different place next time Grin

OP posts:
chansondematin · 07/07/2019 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 07/07/2019 17:20

I bloody knew he would start refusing to parent his own kids once he thought there wasnt anything in it for him.

Cunt

And not locking up at night. Fucking abusive.

How would he explain himself to the police if the worst happened?

Hes doing it all on purpose. And hes making it quite clear that he doesnt WANT to know the difference between an affectionate cuddle or a grope.

This means that all the time he WAS parenting his own kids and doing his share it wasnt because he WANTED to because he loves you.

It was because he wanted/got sex. He sees it and your marriage as a transaction.

sprouts21 · 07/07/2019 22:14

I'm sorry to hear this op. And even sorrier to have to say that this will quickly get worse.When he realises his punishments aren't working he will quickly escalate. When those punishments don't work he will escalate further.

Sexual abusers are particularly dangerous and usually have some type of disorder. I would kick him out now, you're simply not safe with this man.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2019 22:27

Neglecting the baby and locking the door is showing you how little he cares for any of you. Using the baby like that is way below the belt.

This is all proxy violence directed at you - he is saying 'See how little I care about anything bad happening to the family? See how little I care that DD gets fed? See how little I care about normal human behaviour and the norms of family life? I do not operate according to the rules, be afraid of me.'

Every detail you add about this man confirms my thought that he is a psychopath.

HelenaDove · 08/07/2019 00:05

There was a thread on this board back in 2012 Similar to this only he wanted to keep getting her pregnant.

He would leave a toddler unattended and give her things like cigarette lighters to play with............all to control the OP

Rosemary46 · 08/07/2019 08:50

I'm sorry to hear this op. And even sorrier to have to say that this will quickly get worse.When he realises his punishments aren't working he will quickly escalate. When those punishments don't work he will escalate further

I’m afraid I agree with this. @Mischone have you told anyone in RL about this ? I understand you don’t want to share all the details about sex etc with your mum / best friend / sister but you really need to tell someone who can support you.

I fear that things are going to get worse and not better 😟

Original poster
Mischone · 08/07/2019 11:09

We had yet another row last night about how hes putting us at risk, I even looked up the local crime statistics for burglary and violent crime and presented that to him to show I'm not being hysterical.

Of course this was met with the usual petulance and all he offered by way of counteracting the fact is that he could "walk down the street and get run over" but it doesn't mean it'll happen.

Maintaines it wasn't on purpose and that he was falling asleep because he was tired.

More talk about how he feels I don't want him and I've "shown that for a long time"

He also thinks I want to "run off and be with somebody else"

I think all said and done he's shown himself to be nothing short of a bastard and we'd be better off without him.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 08/07/2019 11:28

Sadly I think you’re right. He obviously refuses to consider anyone else and simply throws his toys out of the pram when he doesn’t get what he wants.

You know you could be so much happier than this, right?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/07/2019 11:37

The speed at which his behaviour has deteriorated shows that hoping this situation could be resolved and the marriage saved was unduly optimistic. I wonder if he realizes that he's creating a situation in which marital breakdown and divorce becomes ever more likely.

You hoped you could explain your needs to him and salvage the relationship (and I sympathise with that hope) but I don't think you can. You're bitterly unhappy and he's behaving horribly.

I think those warning that things are likely to escalate even further are right and you should be brace yourself for this.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/07/2019 11:44

More talk about how he feels I don't want him and I've "shown that for a long time"

He also thinks I want to "run off and be with somebody else"

He still doesn't believe you have actual physical problems re sex does he.

HelenaDove · 08/07/2019 17:56

He still doesn't believe you have actual physical problems re sex does he

He doesnt WANT to believe the OP has physical problems regarding sex.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2019 05:33

Oh he is way worse than a bastard.

PeoniesarePink · 09/07/2019 09:23

As if you don't have enough on your plate right now....... this must be really hard on you Mischone. The fact he thinks you want someone else is staggering........ he really is clueless, isn't he Sad

sprouts21 · 09/07/2019 13:12

He also thinks I want to "run off and be with somebody else

He doesn't think that at all. Why would he? He is simply manipulating and gaslighting you. I think it's best not to respond to these daft comments with reassuraces or denial. He is checking that you're not thinking of leaving him.