Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

[Mischone]

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB?

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

The last thing I said to him was that I'm concerned about how he prioritises sex above all else in a marriage including my well-being.

I did get angry I raised my voice which I don't usually do. He knows he has hurt me and I don't want to listen to any more of his half hearted waffle tonight.

Well done for losing your rag.

I don't know why you think it's important to hold onto the moral high ground.

You are dealing with abuse.
Fight back and don't be afraid to punch below the belt.

You are very confused about your H's motivation here.
You talk of ASD and high testosterone.

You are wrong about both.

What you have on your hands is a man who has got it into his head that women are here to service men sexually. An overdose of entitlement is his problem and sadly it is now yours to deal with.

One of the things he said last night was that he just wanted me to know that he was still attracted to me and found me beautiful and was interested in me in that way even if I myself thought I looked like shit and lost my sex appeal, which is all very nice in principal
The fuck it is.
That was a ham-fisted attempt at getting you in the mood.
He is not listening to you.
He is not respecting you.
I bet he functions far better in his job?

You are dealing with a very sly manipulator.
Everything he says and does is designed to make you feel the way you feel - that you are wrongly depriving him of sex, which he is offering with the best of intentions. The end result of his act is that you feel you are being mean even though you know exactly how your own body feels and what you went through.

He has very successfully created such serious cognitive dissonance in you with his pressure and his manipulation that you have attempted vaginal sex and tried to mollify him with other sexual contact. You even worry about losing your temper for fear of upsetting him, and you have tried reassuring him that you still love him , etc.

He is a sexual predator. His behaviour is predatory.
It is by definition extremely abusive.
He is trying over and over again to violate your sexual boundaries.

The couch is too good for him.
I would honestly tell him to book himself into a motel for a few weeks, and tell him that the two of you can start reassessing the entire basis of the relationship after that.
...............

Lynnedwavis, what a preposterous post.

I had a second degree year and couldn't sit comfortably on a wooden chair at 16 weeks never mind sex(hadn't healed internally before then).

Just want to wish you well! I hope despite the injuries and (horrible) behaviour of your H that you are able to enjoy your time with baby x

Just reading this makes me feel sick. He has absolutely NO empathy. If I were you I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as him , never mind anything else. Honestly, I don't know how you would ever want sex with him again. You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that YOU DON'T WANT SEX. He needs to wait until you are ready, and if he can't do that, he is risking his marriage. You need to really start reading the riot act I'm afraid.

I don't want a sex pest for a husband I want the other side to him that is sweet, loving and a good father. I don't know how I can have the latter without having the first one.

Sorry, but I think you will have to choose. You have a sexual predator for a husband and chances are that he will not change.
This was an ideal time for him to show you his true colours, and I am sorry to say he really has shown you his true colours.

He is not a good father if this is the example he is showing the children of how to treat a woman.

No, it's not easy to dissolve a marriage when there are children, a house, finances.

But women do it. And very often they end up happier in their own skin even though single motherhood has its own challenges. Sometimes they subsequently meet a man who isn't abusive, a nice, decent bloke who has a normal, healthy attitude to women and to sex, who is willing to do the give and take that relationships require, and they realise fully in hindsight how truly awful their lives were with their previous 'partner'.

Pawing you like a horny teenager in the restaurant was a gesture of ownership, btw.
It wasn't about sex per se.
He was showing the world that you are his bitch.

I'm not convinced he realises he's skating dangerously close to abuse, because the deluded man actually thought I would like it.
He is not 'skating dangerously close to abuse'.
That ship has long sailed.
He has trampled roughshod over your sexual boundaries and is still at it.

I disagree that there is no sexual violence. If your H had groped a stranger in the restaurant he could have been charged with assault. Its not knock down drag out violence and forcible rape by a man who leapt out from the bushes at you. But you have 'had sex' very much against your will and against your better judgement more than once since the baby was born.
Shoxfordian Wed 26-Jun-19 16:51:28
He actually has been sexually violent to you by constantly trying to grope you and push you into sex he knows you don't want

He gets disheartened about not getting sex but he's never come close to forcing himself onto me, hes not so much as raised his voice and we've been together a long time.
Is it a case of 'getting sex'?
As in 'getting dessert'? Or 'getting paid'?
i.e. receiving something that you are due?

Haffiana
the issue is how to address a behaviour from a partner who cannot and will never see that this behaviour is causing massive problems whilst understanding that the behaviour is not at all intended to be hurtful or abusive, but that it has the same result.

There are also women here who have dealt with narcissistic abusers. The behaviour is the same. The apparent lack of understanding that massive hurt is being caused, the manipulation, the focus on themselves and their feelings, the very upsetting cognitive dissonance that results from being told that someone is acting out of love but is actually hurting the partner daily and refusing to change despite appeals and even after apologies, and all the rest that the OP describes is true of behaviour associated with Cluster B personality disorders. Narcissists all want to be judged on their intentions and not their actual behaviour or words, and they don't want to know how badly they have hurt others.

They demand not to be judged. Reverting back to supposedly understanding now, and asking that I don't think bad of him because he already thinks bad of himself now he's reflected on what I've said.
In other words "I won't accept what you think of me. You don't have the right to judge me or find me lacking. I am the only one who has the right to judge me."
This is conscious refusal to accept the other person's reality. It's not ASD.

He's making a notable effort to be empathic today, he called me on his lunch break and said he had been doing alot of reading up about prolapse and uerethal pain to see what he could find out about the condition to better understand it and hopefully find some information that can help me (because as it stands i dont know exactly what is causing the burning ueretha)

This is not him trying to be empathetic.

This is him seeking a higher authority that you for information about your own body. He is telling you that he won't accept your No. He needs proof. He needs more authority than just your word about your own body

Fucking hell.
I am spitting nails here on your account.

how will he respond to the potential that I may not want sex for some months to come, he might now be saying he won't mention it again and will be as patient as I need, but what about if in another 2-3-4 months I'm still not ready?

Ive taken on-board the advice I've received here and have no intention of back tracking and resuming things until I'm good and ready, but i can see this being a problem for him long term.

Of course that's his problem and not mine, but I wouldn't put it past him looking elsewhere seeing as he's so highly sexed and frankly obsessed with it.

I can do without all of this at the moment let alone the worry about him then cheating.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now.

But if this is your honest assessment of the situation, you need a solicitor, and you need to start planning a life without this 'man'.

You also need therapy.
What happened to you earlier in your life to make you so vulnerable to this abuse and so unable to see what is really happening?

He's not a mind reader. Tell him exactly what you think/feel and tell him no bonking/blow jobs/tongue or any such goings will be happening anytime soon.
Notashandyta
In other words - it is the OP's fault for not finding the magic word formula that he needs.
He gets away with not being a mind reader while she must try to read his mind and find the right words, the key to teach him to avoid brutal treatment of another human being.

You also need to explain to him that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever
And fuck me sideways, but what part of "second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and ... sepsis from invasive group A strep" and "prolapsed uterus" do you not understand?

I agree with Mathanxiety. I often wondered (and was encouraged to wonder by abuse apologists) if my sexually abusive Exh had Asd. I firmly believe he has Npd.He also constantly acted like a horny teenager and I think it's because emotionally he was a teenager.

Narcissistic abusers are renowned for being sexually abusive.

Op you've had some great advice here so I won't chime in with how repulsing his behaviour is. Ignore Notash, shocking advice .

On the urethra burning, mine was like this for a long time because of catheters. I've no idea what damage was done but I had pain for a long time. I drank cranberry juice, took high doses of vitamin c, a probiotic, took Ural and avoided sugar. Eventually it went away. I had X-rays done that found nothing wrong.

in normal cir umstances you should maintain sex in any relationship even if you don't necessarily feel like it

What the fuck is wrong with some people on here? @Lynnedwavis actually cringing that you could come out with this dangerous BS in the same breath as calling other people "numbskulls" 🤦🏽‍♀️

I'd also love to know the research or professional background that has led you to the knowledge that people with ASD are unable to refrain from sexually harassing others 🤔

Hello all,

Just checking in to say I'm still here and reading all of your replies. Thank you for the amount of support and perspective you've given me throughout the thread.

I'm going to be out for most of the day today as it's non stop this week but I'll be back later on to reply to your posts properly.

Something just stood out to me among the many very helpful replies

narcissists want to be judged by their intentions, not what they do or say

That is absolutely correct. He always stresses how ABC were his intention even though he did XYZ.

I do have some familiarity with narcissistic abuse from a past relationship with a quite frankly evil individual. The two men appear worlds apart, on the surface.

I think I need to go back and re-read the "Why does he do it" book.

I don't think many MNers read the part that you said he's on the autistic spectrum. This needs to be taken into consideration as it's not his fault that hes unable to empathise like most of us. Ignore peoe saying he's a monster, they're numbskulls

Patronising rubbish. My brother is autistic, pretty severely. He still understands what no means.

Well its not patronising rubbish to understand that some people with autism will struggle with putting themselves in someone elses shoes in the same way as a neurotypical might. I went to a talk on this at an autism conference, about how theory of mind can make concepts such as consent actually more challenging for some people with autism, and it needs to be tackled in schools and the home in a different way, to protect both themselves and the people they may have relationships with.
This can be as simple as me having to really stress to my children that if one of them doesnt want a cuddle or to play, then no means no, even if they want to and cant understand why they wouldnt want to if THEY want to, and cant understand why on earth someone else isnt feeling the same way about a situation they are enjoying.

This is not always a problem, but it CAN be a thing.
I think the problem with some people who discover they are autistic in later life, without having had some of the support and early intervention with certain issues that kids today might benefit from if their parents and school are aware and informed enough, is that it can be more difficult to understand some of your own issues without getting defensive or they are too ingrained.

I don't think many MNers read the part that you said he's on the autistic spectrum

If this poster had read the thread, she’s see there was discussion of precisely that.

Well its not patronising rubbish to understand that some people with autism will struggle with putting themselves in someone elses shoes in the same way as a neurotypical might

I didn’t say SOME people with autism can’t empathise very well, but a very high percentage are perfectly able to understand the word no. Seeing as this is an adult man, in a relationship and holding down a job, I thinks it’s safe to bet that he knows what no means.

And by the way, plenty of people with autism CAN empathise.

I've been where you are OP, he is now my exH. Just in my situation, I am the autistic one. So it's bullshit frankly that asd is an excuse for his shitty rapey behaviour.

And Lynne, I think you lost any potential respect for your opinion here when you said "In normal cirumstances you should maintain sex in any relationship even if you don't necessarily feel like it". That's... wow.

The empathy issue in ASD is massively misunderstood. And used to justify all kinds of unpleasant behaviour.

Actually many ASD types are more sensitive than other people. They may find others’ emotions hard to read. But this isn’t the issue here.

DH knows the facts of OP’s condition, he’s simply ignoring them in favour of his own sex drive.

(PS, a few years (and much needed surgery) later and my nether regions are now like brand new Time heals )

The other element that lost her respect is:

You often find the kind of people calling others partners predators only do so due to a real dissatisfaction in their own lives.

So it's bullshit frankly that asd is an excuse for his shitty rapey behaviour.

Yep.

i dont think struggling with theory of mind is the same thing as not having empathy.

I think that he sounds like a predator
I have a great life, for the record

Oh I missed that gem, Tatiana!

My life is also fabulous (now), fwiw