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Postpartum, Prolapse & Sex Pest DH

446 replies

Mischone · 25/06/2019 17:52

I'm 8 weeks pp with our second child. My birth was a nightmare consisting of no pain relief, a second degree perennial tear and stitches, a severe postpartum hemmorage which required a blood transfusion and I developed sepsis from invasive group A strep which frankly could have killed me. and breath!

After a fortnight in the hospital I was allowed home but still not completely well, racked with anxiety, on antidepressants and it was then that I discovered the damn prolapse. Lucky me.

Said prolapse has left me feeling like I have constant cystitis so suffice to say I have little interest in sex plus I'm still pretty traumatised by whats gone on down there, which I think is reasonable given the circumstances?

I attempted to DTD at 5 weeks PP for DH's benefit more than my own as he'd gone about a month with no sexual contact (poor man - rolls eyes) but it was awful and only confirmed my suspicions that it was far too soon and I really wasn't ready, physically or mentally. I told him how I felt and he was sympathetic.. I thought.

A couple of days surpass and he's giving me the come on again, with various proposals and offers to do things to me like he's doing me a favour, when all I'd really like is a cuddle and a bit of TLC that doesn't involve his appendage or anything else.

We've had some other limited sexual contact since then (this has been me trying to keep him happy - I can't really be arsed with it and feel horrible down below) but it's never enough, or often enough, or for long enough. He doesn't sulk per say, but let's it be known how frustrated he is.

DH has an extremely high sex drive and doesn't seem to grasp the fact I'm just not interested in his penis at the moment, his tongue or anything else. If it's relevant he's on the autistic spectrum, high functioning and unless you know him well you'd never know that, but he's known for coming across as inconsiderate which may or may not be related to the ASD.

He keeps sending me dirty texts whilst he's at work thinking I'm going to succumb to his obvious irresistibility when he gets in. He's trying it on when he's at home every day, turning a loving kiss into a grope and then looks deflated when I (tentatively) reject his advances. He tries to 'tempt' me by flashing me when he's on his way to the bathroom or getting changed, and he's even resorted to sending bloody dick pics.

Last night when I went up to bed before him he sent a stupid text asking me not to use a sex toy because he wanted me to save myself for him today. I had no intention of using a flipping vibrator last night and have no intention of having relations with him tonight. My bits feel awful which he hears about every day.

What would you recommend I do in this situation, short of LTB? Grin

Am I neglecting my husband because i should I be getting back to normal by now?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 28/06/2019 13:45

Making someone a cup of tea for someone when you cba is not quite the same as having sex when you don’t want it.

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 13:46

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Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 13:47

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WhatsInAName19 · 28/06/2019 13:48

I'm sorry to OP to people like mathanxiety are so dim and don't understand differences

Dim? From the person who believes that women are obligated to have sex they don't want in order to provide a service to their male partner. OK then...

TatianaLarina · 28/06/2019 13:48
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 28/06/2019 13:51

I had an exH like this. Last year I reported his abuse. Pestering for sex is not ok. Doing it for his sake is coerced and not ok. Consent is not of any concern to these men is it. They have needs and that's all that matters. I hope their dicks shrivel up and fall off.
OP Thanks

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 13:51

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Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 13:55

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WhatsInAName19 · 28/06/2019 13:55

Oh why is it so different?

Interested - genuinely - to know this: if making a cup of tea when you can't be bothered is the same as having sex when you don't want to, would you consider rape (remembering that it's possible to be raped by a spouse or partner) to be a crime that's on an equal footing with something like theft of a handbag? If not (and I'm hoping against hope that you're not that awful) then why not? If a woman's autonomy and consent is important in this context, why is it something that she should be obligated to put aside in the context of having sex when she doesn't want to in order to service a man's sexual "needs"?

Ninkaninus · 28/06/2019 13:55

I’m going to comment before I RTFT so I’m sure I’m repeating what hopefully everyone else has already said. Maybe there’s already been a resolution.

But WTAF? Why are you even doubting whether you should be ‘taking care of him’ or whether your own body belongs to you, deserves its healing time and has no obligation whatsoever to act as sexual object for him??

Have you explained to him how much of a an ordeal you and your body have been through? In graphic detail, if needed? Have you told him directly that you’re not his fuck toy? You’re an actual person with body that needs to recuperate, a mind that is full of other things right now and a baby that needs your attention?

Ugh.

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 13:58

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sprouts21 · 28/06/2019 14:00

It doesn't matter what's causing this behaviour because the effects on op are the same regardless. If he's really struggling that much he probably needs a full time carer.

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 14:01

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WhatsInAName19 · 28/06/2019 14:01

I like it how people squeeze the word consent in their when that's not being considered. What is being spoke about is giving consent when you really can't be arsed

Please acquaint yourself with the concept of "enthusiastic consent". Those of us living in 2019 understand that it's not enough for a woman to consent under duress or out of obligation. She must consent enthusiastically. She needs to want to have sex. Fucking hell I can't believe this needs explaining to a grown up.

If I was married to a person who required me to have sex when I didn't want to in order to preserve the relationship, I wouldn't be so gutted about the idea of divorce tbh. Does your husband seriously get aroused and enjoy having sex with you when your heart isn't in it and you'd rather not? Basically just using your body as a sex aid? Do you think he'd leave you if you didn't put out whenever he wanted or regularly enough? That doesn't sound like a marriage I want to be in and you definitely don't seem like a person who should be giving our marital advice.

Pinkfinkle · 28/06/2019 14:01

You had a baby eight weeks ago and wound up in hospital for a fortnight after a hugely traumatic birth you’re still recovering from and your ‘D’H is more arsed about getting his end away??

As if you even need to ask, he’s such a selfish cunt it’s untrue. What happened to wanking? It’ll offer him some relief and hopefully mean he leaves you the fuck alone too...

Ninkaninus · 28/06/2019 14:04

There are some absolutely dense, misogynistic pigs on this thread, with vile outdated views. .

Ugh.

Christ this world needs feminism more than ever, on so many levels.

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 14:07

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WhatsInAName19 · 28/06/2019 14:07

Of course we're obligated to have sex in a marriage, that's the purpose. A whole marriage can be allulled by refusal to have sex.

Nope. But this is obviously where your entire misguided point comes from.

NOBODY IS OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX. If someone decides that they are unhappy with the amount of sex happening in their marriage, the options are they either adjust their expectations or they leave. There is no third option where someone is required to have sex that they don't want. The person who is unhappy can talk to their spouse (NOT pressure them) and obviously sometimes there is an underlying cause that can be addressed etc, but if a woman ultimately decides she doesn't want to have sex then that's it. End of story.

WhatsInAName19 · 28/06/2019 14:08

Why would having sex when you can't be arsed be considered rape

Are you being willfully ignorant or is this discussion genuinely above your head?

Meckity1 · 28/06/2019 14:20

@Lynnedwavis taking away the 'r' word, how is feeling forced to have sex because of relentless pressure, possibly dreading it, healthy? I can't imagine enjoying sex with a partner who is not into it.

BeyondOverTheMoon · 28/06/2019 14:25

Ah my exH loved to make me tea to show he cared. Never mind he had to force it down my neck with a funnel because I didn't want tea, what's important is the man being able to show he cares, not what the woman wants... Hmm

BeyondOverTheMoon · 28/06/2019 14:28

Oh and I pointed out my life is great not just for your sake lynne, but for the OP. You know, the person the thread is about - the one that isnt you and your outdated views on coercive sex.
So she can know it can get better than this.

Lynnedwavis · 28/06/2019 14:29

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BeyondOverTheMoon · 28/06/2019 14:30
Hmm
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 28/06/2019 14:33
Hmm That's right. Women not consenting to sex equals misandry. Wtf? Have we gone back in time??!
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