"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

When my dad was dying of terminal cancer and the hospital made the decision to turn off all his support. I lived and worked 250 miles away from the hospital. My mum rung me when I was in work and just said ‘you should come home’ and then just slammed the phone down. That was it. No other explanation and she wouldn’t answer the phone.

To the outside world she’s an absolute model citizen. Little do they know....

I'm joining in! Comments from my soon-to-be-ExH. And like you all, I have enough for a bloody book.

But some stand out:

I have no friends because I'm too ashamed to meet anyone with you next to me. They'd expect someone better.

(Aaah, and now you are all alone! Because all our 'mutual' friends are mine, soz. We were together for 20 years- and he has no mates... hmmm)

You do realise the problem with our DS is you over loving him, don't you? How about you try to stop saying you love him, ok? No 'I love yous' to him for a month, agreed?

Poor DS1 is the reason I finally got the guts to leave, him continually being hounded for 'not showing enough respect to me'

Oh oh oh

And

*You have failed to teach the children about appropriate and respectful behaviour towards their father.
*
They are 2,6,8 and I had not 'dressed them smartly enough' for a 5pm pizza dinner with him for his birthday.

I felt sorry for him, and thought I could change him, for 20 years. My mother had to say, 'This is not about you, this is not about how awful his mother was to him, this is about your children. You are the only one who can break this cycle.'

So I did, even though some small part of me loves him still in a twisted and weird way. But me and my children are changing the narrative.

MIL asked “What does it mean?” when she opened a card from us saying “Baby was due in November”. DH explained it meant I was having a baby. MIL replied that she was confused because it was her surname, not SIL’s.

Sending to all the posters on this thread and I’m proud of the ones who have broken the cycle and gone nc with these narcs. It’s not easy to do.

I was nc with my narc father for about 7 years in my 20’s but after having my own kids thought some time had passed and maybe he’d changed.

When I asked him in a letter did he realise that he’d never cared for my sister and I emotionally after our mother died when I was a young child his reply was “you never asked me how I was feeling at the time”

I was 10

I went shopping for my wedding dress with my best friend. MIL annoyed at this so i made sure I called her to tell her a bit about it. When I described it as tea length she responded “well, obviously I’m very disappointed, I wouldn’t have chosen that”.

On my wedding day, as she hadn’t been allowed to chose the table decor she removed (while we were having the cocktail reception in another room) all the handmade decorations I had made for the tables and replaced them with maracas, sand, small plastic sunglasses and small plastic pineapples. Her brother lives in a tropical place, y’see. I shit you not.

I don't know that my mother is a narc', but there's a few beauties that she's come out with that I find myself really needing to let out.

First was when we were 'discussing' the SA I suffered at the hands of my grandfather. What she wanted to know was whether I'd ever thought about how horrible that had been for her, and whether I'd considered at all how it would make her feel?

Second was when we were flying home to see our DN who had been diagnosed with a terminal issue. Mum tried to get the Travel Agent to change our flights (furtherest place in the world you can live, costs a sodding fortune to fly there at short notice, was on unpaid leave to boot), so that I could fly over to where she lived to spend more time with her - I was going to go see her, but could only manage 24 hours. . . And then started screaming and crying at me, when I said that this was NOT going to happen, and did she have any idea how much this was already costing us?!

A few years ago my sil was diagnosed with breast cancer
My brother phoned me at 10 one night to ask if I could take her to a hospital an hours drive away for an appointment ( would have needed to leave home at 8am)
I said that I was really sorry but I had a very busy morning at work doing external interviews which obviously I couldn’t cancel at such short notice
Cue huge rant about how awful and selfish I was etc etc etc.
I then dared to ask why he couldn’t take her
“We’re having Sky fitted”
He had booked the appointment with Sky after forgetting SILs appointment to get an upgrade on his existing Sky package

MIL is a classic narcissist. She told me I would be selfish to BF when I was pregnant with DD as how would she feed the baby. We actually couldn't establish BFing because DD was poorly and was almost jubilant. I still express for DD and I always remind myself of these conversations if I ever get a bit miffed off with pumping.

Thanks to all for this thread, it’s always good to remember there’s nothing special about my mother, she uses the same tactics as all the other narcs out there.
When I told her I had been diagnosed with MS she replied in a sneering tone, “Oh there seems to be a lot of that around these days, doesn’t there!” Dreadful old baggage views other people’s illness as competition for the attention she sees as rightfully hers.

The funniest was aimed at her though. My lovely husband, wise to her BS, but knowing he got a pass for being a male spouse (her poor DILs get treated like shit on her shoe), was ready for her the last time we saw her. As soon as she started her usual long monologue about how wonderful her golden child is, my husband launched into his own about our dog and how amazing he is - he just kept cutting her off, playing innocent about the fact that she hates all animals, knowing she wouldn’t want the mask to slip in front of him. It was hilarious, watching her contain the rage.

2 years NC now, the best thing I’ve ever done for my health and happiness, despite the sadness of losing other family contact too. I still giggle about her face having to listen to stories of our darling collie though.

Narcs really do have a way with words.

My story is from my brother's funeral, the best part of 30 years ago. I will need to give some back story to ensure the full glory of my Grandma can be appreciated.

My dad was very close to his older brother and they shared a hobby/sport. One weekend they were away from home enjoying their shared hobby when his brother was involved in an accident and died. My dad, who about 16 at the time was the one who had to phone his parents and tell them the news.

Obviously when my brother was killed doing the same hobby/sport many years later my dad was, I'll leave it at very upset.

At the funeral his mum came up to him and uttered the immortal words of all narcs "it was so much worse for me, I lost my first born".

Weirdly she wasn't the biggest narc, that was my Grandpa. No idea how my dad ended up so nice and normal.

Here’s one:

I was pregnant with first baby but miscarried and it was a complicated miscarriage that required a D&C the next evening.

Now-STBXH refused to cancel or reschedule his church choir evening rehearsal (he directed) so he dropped me off at day surgery and I had to have my parents take me home afterwards. The nurse looked at H like he was nuts when he left me there to go to work.

He refuses to this day to admit he made a mistake on that one.

Another one:

Heavily pregnant, uncomfortable, OB agreed to deliver a few days ahead of term by inducing. She calls me at home that night to say come in on such and such date, now-STBXH says No, you can’t go then because I am meeting with a wedding couple to go over music. They are coming over from the UK and I HAVE to meet them. He made me decline coming in when she offered. He KNEW I was miserable and hugely uncomfortable and swollen and couldn’t sleep, etc, etc.

Turns out couple was coming to US from the UK for a myriad of arrangements, one detail of which was music at their wedding.

I ended up going in days later and delivering with an alternate OB I barely knew.

But once again showed me that me and the pregnancy and the birth all took second fiddle to Whatever He Had Going On, and that was a Very Important Person.

Again, he will never admit even the smallest regret that he put someone else first ahead of me and our baby and our OB, and that music arrangements could’ve been done via email or phone or Skype and that they did not fly from UK to meet HIM.

and the he was a Very Important Person.

Oh God.

and that he was a Very Important Person.

“I shouldn’t have to pay the atty fees for this divorce because the divorce was your idea”

Says the STBXH who gambled away enough money to pay lots and lots of atty’s.

Oh god my ex. These are just a few:

Me: "I've decided to become vegan" (big decision for me after years of wondering whether to)
Him: "How will that affect me?"

"You're a nice wife but I wish you were better at housework".

Him after me getting a quiz question wrong "You fucking bitch!"

Oh my god I was devastated when we split but now I'M INFINITELY HAPPIER AND SO THANKFUL THAT HE CHEATED. I would never have left him otherwise nor realised how squashed by him I was for so long.

Was staying at my (now ex) boyfriend's house. He was in the lounge and I was in the office using the computer. There was a draft so I shut the door over, he came up and screamed at me because it was 'his door, not mine so how dare I think I can close it without his permission' 🙄
That was one of the milder things he said/did in our relationship.

My DM displays a few narc tendencies from time to time, sometimes I'll know that the behaviour will be forthcoming and other times it comes out of the blue.

When pregnant with DC1 I told DM & DF over the phone as they were abroad and I didn't want them to find out from village gossip (DM HAS to be told things first otherwise she sulks). I was 25, engaged, employed with a house and mortgage - she shrieked at me that I had done this on purpose to ruin her holiday and hung up on me!

She had also tried to "forbid" me from moving out to live with my exP when I was 21.

When I was involved in a car crash along with DH and my 3 youngest DC she gave me a lift home from hospital in the early hours of the morning and said she had to go home to sleep as it had all been too much for her - I had broken a bone in my wrist so struggled to pick up DC4 who was 7 months old at the time and she left me all alone to dress & change his bum whilst also being worried about DH who was still in hospital awaiting various scans.
She later told me she hadn't gone to sleep after all because she was too upset about the accident! She never asked how I managed with the baby and my bad wrist though.

The worst I think was when DF was diagnosed with a rare eye cancer, she seemed to be a bit mystified as to why nobody thought of her during the process. My DF was obviously very worried and would talk and talk to anyone and everyone about it which seemed to rile her up. Once a plan had been put in place with Liverpool Eye Centre DF rang me to discuss it and also his sister, DM was in work so he left her a message. She was almost incandescent with rage that he had discussed it with me and his sister before her - I tried telling her it was because he was so worried but she didn't care about that, just the fact that other people had been told before her!

This has turned into a bit of an essay, sorry! My DM is not always horrible but it has led to me not having a particularly close relationship with her and she is sad about that but obviously thinks that this is due to me and not her behaviour.

NorthernSpirit people would say that to me too, that my mum wasn’t nice to me. I couldn’t see it at the time. What I’ve since worked out is that if my mother thought that any of my friends saw her behaviour for what it was, she would drip poison to me about how they were bad for me/too needy/not needy enough/two faced. All things I couldn’t put my finger on and actually turns out that the one common denominator was that they didn’t like her or how she treated me.

Some of these posts are horrendous, LypSynk your post made me gasp, I can't believe your "DM" could be so fucking cold. Looking back I can see my DM had a few narc moments- being jealous of my happy relationship with my DF, telling me horrid things about their lack of sex live that made my DF look bad, totally inappropriate things to tell your teenage DD but next to a lot of these posts she was a bloody saint. I'm so glad most of you have cut your loses and gone NC, you must be SO much happier for it

When discussing child maintenance and pension sharing after separation/divorce my ExH said 'why should I pay you anything? You wanted them'

And exH's bloody mother spent my entire wedding day bitching about her partner to anyone who stood still long enough to listen. People kept telling me about it for days after. Her partner was also there!

user1465335180 I know more about my Father in law’s penis than anyone not sleeping with him should know. 🤮

MIL knew that I found this distasteful so would blurt something out quickly and then smirk.

We are also NC now. So I don’t get to hear about SIL’s menstruation either.

Found out i was unexpectedly but happily pregnant - by coincidence 6 months after my DSis (golden child) had conceived. Called DM hoping for some congratulations. First thing she said was “Don’t be so stupid, of course you are not pregnant”. Second thing was “Did you ask your sister if it was OK with her”. Not a word of congratulations/ happiness about welcoming another grandchild into the family.