"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

I rang my DM to tell her my marriage was ending. I ended up having to reassure her that it really was OK that she was so unpleasant to me when I was a troubled teenager.

Not long after that, DF informed me sternly that I could come and stay with them over the holidays if I didn't talk about anything to do with my divorce, because DM couldn't cope with it. I thought about it and wrote to him to suggest that in that case I'd better visit in a little while when things had calmed, if she was so fragile. He forwarded her my email. Things really went downhill from there and we are now NC.

My mother when I broke the news to her that my best friend had killed herself.

“Why didn’t she call me?!”

Wow, @LemonFritz, that's egregious!

@LaBarbera how awful. Do you think DM couldn't cope with talk of the divorce because it was upsetting in and of itself, or more that the focus would be on you and not her if you did?

I'm not sure. It seemed like she couldn't cope with the change, and she also seemed really thrown that I was happier and healthier. While I was still trying to communicate with her about it, she only really expressed relief when I said that ExH would be OK and would no doubt move on soon.

But basically everything I did seemed to be wrong anyway. I had years of her stalking me online and sending me long angry/disappointed messages about opinions I'd expressed. It's dreadful how much better I feel now.

I'm sweating writing this, tbh. I've really internalised that shit!

@LaBarbera you poor thing. well done on getting yourself to this point, you've been through so much.

Tip of a very large iceberg.

On the day in question, I had bumped into an old friend of my Mum’s at the park and I was an absolute mess (I was with my children, my Mum’s friend was walking her dog). This lady had been utilised as a “flying monkey” by my Mum in past attempts to go NC.

I told my Mum’s friend what had happened and that I couldn’t bear to tell my Mum because she would find a way to make it all about her. My Mum’s friend accompanied me and witnessed this conversation.

She finally saw clearly and was flabbergasted. Having a witness made it tolerable.

Thanks so much @WishingILivedOnAnIsland, much appreciated. It seemed like DM was always "a bit fragile right now" (DF's way of putting it), and I would hurt her by being close, and hurt her by being distant, so eventually I figured I might as well do what I needed to do.

@LemonFritz I'm so glad you had that validation. It's hugely important when someone else really sees it!

Having a witness made it tolerable..

Validation also helps.

I ought to say, in case it sounds like I managed the process at all well, I didn't: I let myself get into an actual argument with DM, properly exploded in a thoroughly dramatic sweary way (at the time, she laughed uproariously and kept winding me up), and then pissed off to stay with a friend. I wish I'd acted in pretty much any other way, like @StreetwiseHercules and the magnificent letter!

If it helps LaBarbera I had an outrageous fight with MIL and FIL, the worst with anyone in my life, and FIL was the same, deflecting, saying things to make it worse, with MIL egging him on in the background.

Suddenly I just had a calm feeling though and put the phone down. I never spoke to them again. They mail, I delete. They send letters, they get binned.

That does help, @fishfingersandhummous. I suppose sometimes there has to be a crisis moment! The good side of it is that it does mark a definite stop. I feel a bit like my life is divided into Before Stooshie and After Stooshie. :)

LaBarbera Yes you’re right, it is a definite stop.

And I’m GLAD I told them some home truths now! No one else had ever dared.

Not saying they're necessarily related but she does seem to enjoy being able to demand that she be treated like God (or the next best thing) and having people hanging off her every word when she gives sermons.

Waves

I have a narc M&D and Sister. They all loathe each other obvs. All are extremely ‘holy’ (which is very different to being a person of faith - no offence meant to any one who believes) all enjoy teaching religion / being lay ministers / being the head of a school / standing in front of an audience telling them how to live their lives whilst being complete and utter hypocrites.

NC to all of them now and it’s such a liberation.

My sister wins the narcy-est narc ever competition, she wrote to the Pope to ask him to officiate at her wedding. Nothing but the best for our kid.

My sister wins the narcy-est narc ever competition, she wrote to the Pope to ask him to officiate at her wedding. Nothing but the best for our kid.

I've remembered another from my mother: Her 60th birthday. I travelled 400 miles to spend it with her. She went out for the day and I cooked exactly what she'd asked for all from scratch including a big cake decorated the way she wanted. She'd asked for a garden bench so my brother put it up in the garden and I tied balloons and a birthday banner on ready for her getting home.
I hear her drive up and start screaming. I thought she'd hurt herself and ran out to be told-
"How fucking dare you put this rubbish on my bench, I don't want people knowing it's my birthday! How stupid can you get? You've ruined the whole day!"
She tore it all off and burned it.

@Hp737 my mother did similar on my graduation - arranged to meet her at the train station at X time, actually turned up several hours early at my house so I then had to run around making her breakfast and had 10 minutes for shower/hair/make up so I look like shit on my pictures

Kicked off at the ceremony because she wasn't in a disabled friendly seating area - it's an ancient building so none of it is particularly disabled friendly. Also, my mother is not disabled.

Wanted to have a cigarette every 3 minutes so spent most of it stood in a smoking shelter with her

Told me/everyone repeatedly how important this day was for her/how I could never have done this without her whilst simultaneously bollocking me for 'getting above myself'

Wanted me to singlehandedly change the time as it didn't suit her

Wouldn't let me invite my best friend who had actually supported me through my degree

Left immediately after as she had to get back to the dog after telling me not to arrange to do anything with anyone else - everyone else was being taken out to dinner by their families and having a big fuss made, I went home and sat on my own in my student house eating chippy chips

MIL complained that the expensive laptop we bought her broke and expected us to replace it... many years later.

We’d meanwhile bought her a tv, radio etc for various birthdays and Christmases and I had to ask DH whether she expected that all those items were “for life”, that is, once we’d bought them ones we were to supply them for ever.

He didn’t know.

We never replaced the laptop. Just bought her things like DVDs and chocolates from then on.

EvilHerbivore My mother wouldn’t come to my graduation at all. I think I got a better deal.

Ah, the old “getting above yourself” line. That’s what DH got. His father ridiculed him for years, until cut off, and the more he did for them the more abuse he got.

When they die I am going to celebrate.

The graduation ones are reminding me of a moment when I had a brief, horrible insight into someone else's narc family. A friend of mine at university had done brilliantly and got a First. (She'd also changed her first and last name, something I accepted but didn't really understand at the time.)

I met her parents at graduation and said how well she'd done, as you do in normal conversation. Her DF looked at me like I was dog shit and said: "Lazy. That's what she is."

I understood why she'd changed her name.

The christmas day lunch, gawd, DM bailed on two on the day because of some imagined slight. The children were bewildered when I had to clear away their place settings.

Then the christening of our second child where she threw a tantrum which I was unaware of thankfully, the house and garden were full of people. Other folk had that pleasure.

Then the marriage of my cousin we were staying in a hotel but went to my aunt for tea. DM threw a huge hissy fit was walking around with tea bags on her eyes to reduce any swelling from her tears. My Uncle god bless him just got out the whiskey and we all retreated to the sitting room.

If my DM could ruin a pre-planned family occasion she would if she thought she was not the centre of attention.

I never really thought about how weird my graduation experience was until I started reading my thread and realised it was a similar story!
Other examples of dm’s narcissistic tendencies:

• she has refused to call my dd by her actual name since birth (dd is now almost 5) and set out to give her an alternative name which is now really entrenched within my family and dd answers to. She can’t give any explanation as to why she refused and refuses to call dd by the name I chose.
• she invited a load of vaguely related males my BIL had never met to his stag do
• she added 3 of her friends to dsis’ (very small) wedding guest list which put them way above budget, invited them and told dsis last minute
• when I was in labour (Young single mum) she refused to take me to hospital as I had a “low pain threshold” - by the time I did get there I was already 10cm dilated and it was too late for pain relief

The biggest one of all is that she told me that my dbro is not my fathers child, and she has always known (dbro is now in his 30s). Almost no one IRL knows.

Even if not a narc she has some serious issues I believe.

HP737 so she basically renamed your child??? I have no words

@NDotto yes. It is a completely different name (and may I say not one I would EVER choose!)
I think she just didn’t like that I came up with dd’s actual name by myself. It bothers me, but I will let dd choose as she wants to.