"Hilarious" things narcissists have said

[EvilHerbivore]

It's 5 years today since I last spoke to my mother and just sat thinking about the reasons why and how they'd almost be funny if they weren't so sad

For example, when I told my mother I was pregnant with DS1 her response was 'why didn't you ask me?' - just for background I didn't live with her or expect her to do any childcare or pay for anything, had no real impact on her life whatsoever, she just couldn't believe I hadn't asked her permission first

I could probably do a whole thread of these on my own but anyone else got any corkers?

Quite.

I also genuinely believe that my parents literally do not see me as an actual other person but merely an extension of themselves.

I felt that from a very early age TBH and know it to be true, but I still can’t fathom it.

@StreetwiseHercules They sound really similar to my PIL. We're in a similar situation where they will not allow any peace in the relationship unless we are 'brought to heal' and punished. They can't cope with not being in control or just agree to disagree about our choices. It has to be total submission.

Can I ask you to share more detail about the letter you send when you went NC/LC? We're in the process of writing a similar 'break up' letter which will attempt to explain why we are taking time away, and we're struggling with how long to make it (better to be very short and to the point?) it whether to really attempt to explain why their behaviour is harmful, it's impact on us, our concern about it's impact on DC....could write a bloody thesis on it but I don't know it would do any good because in their own minds they are perfect and anyone who thinks otherwise is unfairly persecuting them.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland Yes and I could have written your post except instead of the “outpouring of emotion” they say “everyone does it”.

No they don’t!

And the blame is all on me. They have tried bullying, wheedling, demanding, pretending nothing has happened, telling, ridiculing, sniping, owning, emotional blackmail, guilting, gaslighting, projection... everything they can think of to try and turn DH against me. (To me they send bullying mails.)

All because they were called out, after many years, and they won’t admit it or change.

I knew what I was writing wouldn’t do any good at all but I felt the need to take control. Blocking their calls and messages only led to repeatedly hanging around outside my work to “bump into me” and my nerves were shredded.

After the last occurrence of that, I said “I will email you soon” and walked away.

So I sent them a long email with the following themes:

Regret at the situation
An expression of good will
Pointing out that we never intended this and gave examples such as moving close to them and the fact that we had gotten along ok in the past
Explaining that the behaviour they had exhibited was not within societal norms
Explaining the impact
Reminding of the attempts I had made to make peace and the response I had received
Pointing out the fact that they fall out with everyone
Asserting my and DW’s autonomy
Pointing out that I am not going to change to please them or to live life to suit them
Expressing my distrust and that I would fear any patch up which led to my children getting to know them would be short lived and disruptive for them
Underlining that we will not be treated in the way they treated us - ever
Putting the ball in their court- basically “given all this you tell me how we can reasonably move forward”.

StreetwiseHercules I am convinced the ILs don’t see DH as a separate person. Thus, I am the one who wrecked it. Never mind that he hardly saw them before he met me and that I was the one that facilitated the relationship for years. I am a convenient excuse.

MIL once told me that she hated all her in-laws! Says a lot, especially as SIL has been married multiple times.

I agree parents often see their children as instruments via which they extend their own power and influence rather than separate sovereign entities
Why do they view things like this?
Because it benefits them I suppose?

@Wishing, imo the problem is that in their own Minds they are perfect and can do no wrong this belief is foundational for them it underpins everything and is the basis of their sense of self-esteem, it means that they cannot take anyone else's viewpoint seriously, they have painted themselves into a corner in their minds

Yep absolutely. Ex fil and mil verbally abused me calling me names on a daily basis. When called out of it they used to go ‘awww I love labradors is just such a sensitive little girl isn’t she?’ Or ‘this is what our family is like’ or the best ‘this is how we show how much we love you because we really do love you - you know’ court order on my ex h who followed them when I said no more contact for me and in-laws his behaviour nose dived - we now a restraining order against him and his parents can never (via court order) be left alone with the dc ever. Says everything.

StreetwiseHercules That letter is amazing. Well done. Hanging around your work is threatening. My ILs have done that to other family members who have tried to cut three off but not us because I had learned from their previous behaviour and told them I would call the police if they did it. I was told that my home was their home because it was their son’s! (But they never did turn up.)

Luckily they are scared of the police as their family members have been in trouble for similar before. There has been lots of violent domestics in their family.

@StreetwiseHercules Congratulations on the letter. It must have taken a lot to get to that point.

When my dh and I told mil that we were going away to get married on our own, she replied, "But...what about MY big wedding??!" (She wanted us to have a big wedding for HER sake, so "everyone will look at me as mother of the groom"). Also, "I love the job my son has because everyone is looking at me when I'm with him" (She absolutely loves attention).

My mother does tend to compare her divorce with my dad to literally everything and anything.

But the latest one upset me a lot.

We lost a good friend very suddenly a few months ago. Unbelievably sad and shocked us so much. He was young, fit and healthy and had a heart attack.

I was telling my mum about how his wife cannot face going through his belongings yet

My mum:

'She just needs to get rid of it all....that's what I did with your dad'

He's died ffs,....not a fucking divorce!!!!!

@Whosorrynow I think that's it. I would love to forgive PIL and move on with the good parts of the relationship. But how can you reconcile with someone who is perfect, superior and beyond fault in their own mind? It's basically agreeing to be abused and mistreated again in the future, and I can't set that example for my DC.

If my DC are being bullied or in an abusive relationship one day, I want them to know the right thing to do is to be strong and walk away. That's the behaviour we have to model for them.

But even walking away is hard as they expect and demand control over how we distance ourselves from them.

I am hoping a letter will at least give them a reference point for us to refer them back to when they are wailing and claiming to be bewildered by our rejection of them.

Ilovemylabrador

Wow.

A restraining order will be the next step for us if the ILs persist. What did you have to do to get one? (At the moment the ILs are just writing/texting/sending letters... and if we block, they change their email addresses and do it again. They are ignoring our request for no contact and some of the emails are nasty.)

Ilovemylabrador "this is what our family is like' - I used to get that from ExH all the time. "I caught your mother and sister sticking two fingers up at me and pulling faces behind my back in front of the rest of the family while I was holding our baby" / "your sister told me in front of all the cousins to get out of a family photo because it is family only" (after I'd been married into the family for 20 years) / "your sister keeps cutting me dead by turning her back every time I try to speak to her at a family party" / "your sister mutters 'bitch' under her breath when I am in earshot" - apparently that is 'just what the family is like' so it's OK and I'm the arsehole for making a fuss. If my family were just like complete and utter twats I would have seen a lot less of them.

My mum sabotaged my uni graduation (oxbridge, so it was a very proud day for me and, I thought, my parents). I only had 2 places at the ceremony so gave them to my divorced mum and dad, agreed they could sit separately. Afterwards my mum left sobbing because I had “looked at” my dad instead of her while I received my degree. (If was in a huge building and I actually had no idea he was sitting on a different side to her, nor did I consciously “look” anywhere.) She sent me a barrage of distraught texts and wouldn’t meet me or come to the post-ceremony tea at my college. I was gutted, dad took it in his stride but it’s all I remember of that day- how guilty she made me feel.

I get the “that’s what they’re like” from DH. I told him “and this is what I’m like” and he was shocked. He was trained from birth that they were to be obeyed and that family came first, ie, PIL, MIL and OSIL. We are not his family. My child belongs to MIL apparently also.

@Hp737 I'm so sorry, that's so sad that she ruined that day for you.

@slopacker Similar. My husband was/is conditioned to think their behaviour was/is normal. He would do their bidding no matter how unreasonable in order to keep the peace because he'd been trained to do.

It was only when I came on the scene that it really twigged at all for him how strange they are. He still struggles with it and wants to pretend they are 'normal' just upset etc sometimes.

Oh where do I stop.

Mother:
When I was 7 told my teacher she understood I would be difficult to teach as I was so slow. Mother still talks about her amazement that teacher said I was the cleverest in the class

I was a plain, mouse brown child so not alliwed to wear pink (my nhs specs were blue). Since had my cours done - pink is one of my best colours.

When ds2 died due to severe congenital heart deformity and I was in bits said "you need to pull yourself together, think of how much worse having a disabled child would be"

To dd (who has had low self esteem) when she was about 12 - well your passable but not as good looking as me or your mother.

When dd got 3A* A'Levels - is that all?

"You should be living a better life" We are v well off but not ostentatious.

I would one day like to please my mother. I know I never shall.

Did I say that I had everything as a child: beautiful home, clothes, holidays abroad, pony, etc. But no love.

Just thought of two more stonkers:

I would have had an abortion if it had been legal.

No man would ever want me because I wasn't a fun, party girl. I was actually but on my terms.

All my friends thought I had the best mother ever - what a fuss she made of them.

Oh and for my 50th, sbe gave me £500 to have a chair recovered. She didn't like it; it had belonged to my father.

Oh god!

SIL is an arsehole.

I travelled 2 hours with DD to help my MIL with SIL's kids. A toddler and a 5 month old teething baby whilst her and BIL went out for the night.

She told me i had to sleep on the floor of the lounge with my 3 year old DD because her sofas were new and didn't want anyone sleeping on them and ruining them 🤨.

Then played hell with me the following day when I told her that her sofa isn't very comfortable but i did manage to fall asleep on it.

Aunt who frequently believes the world revolves around her and if she asks someone to do something she expects them to do it and even thank her for letting them do it. With her if she says jump and you don't say how high, she kicks off and acts like a vile crime has been committed against her.

When DH and I were first living together, MIL used to be obsessed with what DH was eating. For a start she assumed I was doing the cooking and then if I said “cauliflower cheese” or “sausages” or whatever, she would say “But DH doesn’t LIKE those!” and act as if he’d eaten vomit for dinner.

We were students so could run to expensive meals but this wasn’t her issue. “Tea” for her was often a pot noodle! DH said beans on toast with a fried egg was a staple when he was growing up.

I asked DH about it. He said MIL wouldn’t know whether he liked those things because she never cooked them... because SHE didn’t like them. 😐

Thanks folks. It did take a lot to get to that point.

Eventually though I realised it genuinely isn’t my fault in any way (although ironically that sounds narcissistic) and it was a problem I couldn’t fix.

couldn’t run to expensive meals, obvs