My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

Yuck, he sounds repulsive and an absolute embarrassment. He's not a perfect husband! Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop behaving like a prick. Walk out the next time he does it. Make it clear why you are leaving. His behaviour is insulting and demeaning.

Walk away when he does it, tell him you can't spend the rest of your life with a pervert

That’s horrible. What’s he like with colleagues or friends or general out and about eg shopping?

The only thing you can do is refuse to go out with him or zero tolerance with a view to making a plan to end the relationship.

How can you write that he is a good husband and dad given this behaviour from him?. That is you putting a gloss on things isn't it, papering over the cracks.

Make it clear indeed why you are leaving and do not stay with him for the sake of the child.

He sounds far from prefect if he couldn’t even may attention to you on a date at the start of your relationship.

No spending any time with friends is a red flag for me.

Thanks for your quick replies. I don’t know how he’s at work and honestly don’t really care. I don’t suspect any affairs as he’s always at home. Part of his job involves travelling around the area where we live and he’s always making excuses to be home. Honestly if he does this in his own time, I don’t really care so much. It’s just that it’s happening when he’s with me.

The other thing is, he’s got very low confidence about himself and would never go out to a restaurant by himself. Or if he did he’d be sitting in a corner with an attitude like: ‘please don’t hit me, I’m a good boy’. It’s probably giving him confidence having his woman and child with him, not sure, it’s sick whatever it is.

OP he’s a shit. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s a cheat, if he can’t even hold it in in public.

I’d be acting the same as him next time we go out...like him, not looking at them in a sexual way of course!

I was in a relationship like this and guess what he cheated because he has no line. If his doing this infront of you without any attempts to hide it then this is a problem.

How does he react if you comment on this behaviour, either at the time or afterwards?

God. The only good thing is that you'll outlive him and have a chance to live without such a sleaze.

I very briefly dated a man who did things like this. It sounds like him to a tee.

He went on to become a sex offender.

How old were you both when you got together?

Just pull him up on it every time.
Tell him exactly how it makes you think of him.
If he doesn't stop then walk out.
But I think it's probably ultimatum time as this is becoming a complete turn off for you and that won't improve unless he does.

I don't understand how you've coped with this, most women simply wouldn't put up with it. What does he say when confronted?

And do you really not mind if he behaves like this when you're not around? At work for instance.

He sounds worse the more you reveal about him. Lack of confidence, timid, needs wife and child at his side, no friends - and yet he leers at other women in your presence.

Meh. My DH is a bit like this. He likes women, so what, he likes me best. His dad is the same. They are old Flirts, the both of them.

How would it work if, every time he starts playing up to a woman nearby, you said loudly to him something like "FFS, you're out with me and DS, will you grow up and stop perving at that unfortunate woman, she's done nothing to deserve it"? Might it embarrass him enough to learn his lesson?

In short, don’t be so needy. It’s not attractive or interesting.

He sounds revolting. My partner would never ever disrespect me like that and yours shouldn’t either! Please don’t tolerate this, you are worth so much more than this man

@BreakfastAtSquiffanys I had a strong reaction once when I was pregnant. He said I was mental and that nothing was true. However, it carried on, in an even more obviously way. He told me I’m just very jealous.

The trouble is I had so many red flags in the beginning and I wanted to end the relationship, told him I wasn’t sure about us, but he kept begging me. Buying expensive holidays, flowers, presents. And then I got pregnant and I didn’t want to be a single mum. I had lots of troubles in my life, starting my life from scratch on my own, working like an ass, getting qualifications, paying a mortgage, dealing with abuse at work. I thought I’d have a break from this all and I thought at least he’s going to be a good dad as he was desperate to have a child. He adores her and she is our priority.

Meh. My DH is a bit like this. He likes women, so what, he likes me best. His dad is the same. They are old Flirts, the both of them

You misspelled perverts.

How does one touch their neck 'suggestively'? Asking for a friend.

He adores her and she is our priority

And she is growing up learning that it's acceptable for her dad to ignore her and her mum to perve over total strangers every time he's out with them. What kind of message is that giving her?

It's extremely uncomfortable when men behave like this. For the women he letches at and for you. It also shows he hs zero respect for women. Tell him he's disgusting and ask him if he would be happy for his daughter to be subjected to this type of behaviour.