My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

@upple I had been in the country for 15 years. I accomplished my qualifications here and had very good jobs, earning more than my DH. I have a flat of my own that is being currently rented. I’d be totally fine on my own, he’s not that wealthy by any standards. Just comfortable and I’m not working at the moment, I worked for almost 18 years before.

@upple I fell in love with him...until I started seeing the red flags.

I hate when I’m out and I notice a man with his woman and children looking at me. I find it soooo disrespectful and it actually makes me angry for the woman! He clearly has no respect for you I understand that men sometimes do this when they are with friends etc but this isn’t good.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you notice he does this and it’s not that you are jealous it’s that it is f*ing disrespectful to you. No man should be giving another women any attention when he has his woman by his side and if he does this in front of you I imagine he is worse when with friends.

He is clearly insecure and maybe he thinks that women find him more attractive as he is already taken (studies have actually show this to be true) so he feels more confident when he’s around you. I wouldn’t be able to tolerate this at all. I would tell him how unattractive you find him when he does this and how this is teaching your daughter that this is how a man should behave but it doesn’t sound like this will change anytime soon if he was like this when first dating.

So you’re mid 30s and he’s 50? He sounds vile

They are jealous and want you to be a struggling single mother like they probably are.

Show him this thread or talk to him about his restaurant behavior. Sort it out between the two of you and don't ask other women what you should do.

Fuck, if I listened to other women I'd be living in a council house in the west midlands now instead of living my dream here in the U.S

Oh give over. I’m very happily married to a man who supports me and would never disrespect me like this, ever. Not in 13 years.

You’re living the dream in a relationship others advise you to leave? Sure you are.

In that case OP, why the hell are you putting up with this loser? He's pathetic.

Is he a general prat or just when he’s out with you? What do your family and friends think of him? How does he get on with colleagues? Do you have a sense of how he is perceived by others? Surely he is a laughing stock.

If you are going to stay with him, then, somehow, you have to stop this behaviour. Everytime he leers or letches you say "Stop that, or I'm leaving", and if he continues, leave.
Alternatively, just leave.
I had an ex who was a flirt. he ended up cheating on me. Could not stop himself.
Oh, and if I saw your DH doing this in a bar or restaurant, you can guarantee I'd be thinking "EW".

You have somewhere to live thats the hardest thing to sort out-give notice to the tenants and go there-Has he been married before

What kind of message is this sending to your daughter, that would be my major concern. The idea that women are there to be letched over, what’s it going to be like when she’s a bit older and wanting to bring her friends home.
Also I suspect he’s doing it on purpose because it bothers you. He’s an insecure twat who knows you’re too good for him and he’s trying to make you insecure and mess with your head.

He’s been married before for a long time. Wife passed after a long battle with cancer, never had children therefore was desperate to have one.

He has a few female friends that we see very occasionally and I think they think he’s nice. He’s very helpful and caring and always there for them. They are all married with kids and lovely women, I like them.

Tell you what op, crack on with the idiot. Spend your life miserable with a man who doesn't appreciate you.

Explain to your daughter when she's older why you stay with such a creep. And don't be surprised when she ends up with a creep much like your 'd'h

And watch him around your dds friends as she gets older...

Or, leave. Stop trying to sell his "good points". A lot of his behaviour will be a show as he knows his mind is elsewhere.

You say you look good, a lot younger than him, highly educated. What good is it all if you're not using it?

The 5 years you talk about will end up 10,20,30 and you will be just as miserable.

I’ve RTFT but can’t see what conversations you’ve had with him about this. What have you actually SAID to him about it?

Always flirt with the waiter and anyone else you come across when with him. That should start a conversation. Record him on your phone and play it back to him, how are these women responding?
Yes to being more assertive, sounds like he does care for you on some levels, you are not making it clear that this is turning you right off.

@Clearing What's his history before he met you?

He does sound very insecure, and he either changes (or gets help to change and mature as a person, as he's acting quite immature), or he risks your relationship and his daughters view of him.

He needs to know it's not about finding other people attractive, it's about his resulting behaviour because of that.

He has a few female friends that we see very occasionally and I think they think he’s nice. He’s very helpful and caring and always there for them.

Probably wants to shag them...

How old is he op? He’s obviously not a young man if he was married a long time before you. Not that it really matters except he’s not likely to mature is he?

@Happinessbegins he’s 50

He's not going to change, OP. But be aware that he is very likely to cheat on you.

If you can live with that, sure possibly you could be happy. Others have before.

Poor you @Clearing that would really upset me and piss me off if my husband leered at other women in public! I like @LellyMcKelly suggestions, I'd def have to pull him up on it, I couldn't have let it go on this long!!

@AmeriAnn
“Fuck, if I listened to other women I'd be living in a council house in the west midlands now instead of living my dream here in the U.S.”

Are you in one of the US Real Housewives Series? 😂

Fucking hell hes 50?
That’s really embarrassing

That sounds embarrassing!

Oh dear, OP, have you pointed out that at 50 this behaviour is perilously close to taking him into dirty old man territory? I suspect the woman he leers at are cringing.

If he's that blatant in front of you, what's he like when you aren't around?

I felt so bad for you reading that. It's beyond humiliating and he clearly doesn't give a toss about your feelings

I often end up with men that do this to some extent (nowhere near as bad but still...) it really pisses me off and I call it out but it would be nice to find one that didn't do that.