My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

Op from what you've described I'd be quite shocked if he's not a serial cheat. At least he'd like to be

I think I would tell him you either go to counseling to stop this behaviour, which might be rooted in a deep insecurity he has, (I'm trying to be understanding in that he may not actually be a pervert, but instead someone with a badly misguided way of boosting his self-esteem), or the marriage is over. Him saying YOU are the one with the problem is not acceptable. This must be so distressing to contend with, op.

You say he adores your daughter, but what are you going to do once your daughter is a teenager and bringing her friends home and her dad is perving on them? Also, your dd will start to notice that every time you go out as a family her dad is looking at other women - what example of relationships are you showing her?
You have really let it go on for too long and I would doubt he would be willing to change.

If I wasn’t pregnant there is no way I’d have stayed with him, not in a million years. It’s just one of these things, we all make mistakes and there you go, bear the consequences now.

Whilst he was perving at this woman today, I started a chat about a friend of mine who is single and told him she said that the older men get the creepier and sleazier they are (all made up). And gave example of this guy who she was going out with and that he was creeping and perving at other women whilst in her company. And then said, imagine being married to someone like that!. His face dropped a little and he stopped sleazing at her for a bit. Not sure he got the message or not, I suspect he’ll forget about it next time. He’s very odd in many ways, it’s just I’m stuck in this now.

On the way back home today I was thinking, give it 5 years. I’ll carry on as it is and plan my escape, he’s not going to change ever, the bloody creepy old man. This is what happens when you give people chances.

@Mitzimaybe I know, he’s a total idiot.

If you want to stay with him (which it sounds like you do right now) then I would suggest walking away every single time he does it. Maybe he'll soon get the hint. Still, it won't change what he's like when you're not around.

Sounds horrific OP. Personally, I couldn't be with someone like this.

Don't give it 5 years, give it 5 minutes. Tell him to fuck off out of your life and arrange to co-parent your child as amicably as possible. Someone earlier posted that he will be perving over her friends when she's a teenager - is that what you want? Get shot of him. You deserve better.

Is there a reason you'll give it five years? What do you think will happen in that time?

@SupermassiveBlackHo Wind your neck in a bit, commenting on spelling?? You might be happy with a so called 'flirt' but OP isn't! If you've got nothing reasonable to say....

@ShinyRuby I think you've missed the point a bit

What LuckyLou said, OP. Just walk out. He sounds odious and exhausting - and not worthy of your time.

Those women are probably laughing at him (and rightly so) - don't be his 'foil'.

I think you'll have 100% support on this thread to take the most robust action that you feel able to.

Aquamarine
‘I'm trying to be understanding in that he may not actually be a pervert, but instead someone with a badly misguided way of boosting his self-esteem’

Well, I was wondering about that myself, perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Get a grip, Shiny, and try reading my post again. Goodness me.

Kiwiinknits, how low your bar is. Really, really low.

OP; that's a cautionary tale for you right there - your daughter could be Kiwi in 10 years time, thinking that her dad's behaviour is normal. It's not.

I'm really cross on your behalf, you have a horrible excuse for husband there, he's incredibly disrespectful of you.

Yes, simply walk away every time he does it.

Pull him up on it loudly EVERY SINGLE TIME. Here are some choice phrases to use.

Why are you perving at those young women? You look like a right sleaze
Why are you staring at the woman? She’s not going to be interested in a big letch like you.
Stop dribbling over that woman. You’d be dead in a week.
Put your tongue back in dear. You’re old enough to be her father you big creep.

Say them loudly so the woman can hear them. You could even say to the woman, ‘Sorry about my husband. He tends to get a bit letchy every now and again. He hasn’t been right since point at his groin whisper the operation.’

So he doesn't actually engage with any of the women; just preens himself?

On the way back home today I was thinking, give it 5 years. I’ll carry on as it is and plan my escape, he’s not going to change ever, the bloody creepy old man.
OP do please re-read your posts - especially the opening post.

By all means do plan for yours"escape"/another, better, future. However, do you really think you'll be able to tolerate the next five years? Having him at home all the time, sleeping in the same bed, being intimate with him? And maybe trying to guard or explain his actions to your child - who will pick up on his behaviour? And if you get pregnant again life will be even harder for you.

Are you prepared for how tough it will be to control your feelings about how he is acting?

I do hope, whether you stay the five years or go, that you get a resolution and some strength from the situation and that you have a better future. Hopefully he will take on board what you say to him and learns to respect you more. 🌹

Nah, good dads don't abuse their child's mother.

Why would you waste another five years of your life being disrespected and mistreated when you could invest that time in building something better for yourself?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

@HollowTalk I have a number of reasons not to do it now which I prefer not to detail on here and I don’t think I’m prepared for anything traumatic at the moment.I’m just trying to spend as much quality time with my DD as possible, making sure she gets the best possible start in life, getting her into a good school etc. She loves him too and I’d not want to deprive her of her dad. We don’t have any other family around, I’m from abroad.

I’m just thinking about strategies to not upset myself so much and make sure I plan things properly. I think today was the worst day in terms of upsetting behaviour and I’m not willing to give him any more chances whatsoever.

It sounds like you can live with it for now but for how long. And indeed you're only still there because you have his child. If you're going to sacrifice yourself to maintain some semblance of normalcy in your life that's your prerogative but men like this don't 'learn'. And if they do its only a matter of time before they're back sleazing at other women.

It also speaks volumes that you feel you have to justify to yourself/us that you're 14 years younger than him and slim... he's clearly wearing away your self confidence too.
It doesn't matter if you're basically Adriana Lima's twin sister. Men like him are creeps.

God, that sounds disgusting. How have you not gone mad at him over it by now? I can’t believe he thinks it’s appropriate. I’d be concerned about him doing it as my child got older and brought friends round. My first boyfriends’ dad occasionally did this or made comments and I found it horrifying. Made me feel really uncomfortable in their home. Have you tried pointing out how sad and desperate it makes him look? Any time I’ve been on the receiving end of such a sleaze, it has made my skin crawl and feel annoyed that he is publicly humiliating his partner. I wonder whether they enjoy knocking their partner’s confidence. Does he think women find it flattering? Maybe he needs a very harsh lesson in what other people really think of him. I mean, we all have eyes and can see whether we think others are attractive or not, but I manage not to stare and drool over my dinner every time I go out. Like every other normal person.

So you knew he was a disgusting, lecherous slime ball from the start and decided to marry him and have a child?

Great idea.

No wonder so many men think it's ok to behave like that.

“And gave example of this guy who she was going out with and that he was creeping and perving at other women whilst in her company. And then said, imagine being married to someone like that!.”

Why on EARTH would you say that and leave it there?!? Surely that’s a nice way into launching into the next bit which should be you getting really angry and shouting at him “cos that’s exactly what itms like for me, stop acting like a perve!” Etc Etc

The way you didn’t then pull him up on it suggests that you haven’t even noticed the similarities between the 2 situations!!

@LellyMcKelly thank you, you made me chuckle, keep them coming!