My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

Good husband and dad, very thoughtful,

I am always saddened what a low bar people have for “good husband”

Or if he did he’d be sitting in a corner with an attitude like: ‘please don’t hit me, I’m a good boy’

What a bizarre comment.

The next time we were out and he did this I would say nothing but when he was turning around leering after females I would quietly walk out taking daughter with me, and drive home without him. You will never be happy with a person like this. Set your sights higher.

It’s fine to leave when the time is right for you.

In the mean time I would repeatedly tell him that he embarrasses and you by sleazing over women in public. That you will not be the woman in the restaurant everyone pities for having a rubber necking husband.

If me and DP were sat at the next table and witnessed your DH behaving in this manner we’d be like, ‘ergh, look at that sleezy twat, and in front of his misus and kid as well. What’s she doing with him? She must have some low standards.’

Just sayin, that’s what other people are thinking.

I'd simply say..
"DH, I understand it may make you feel good to look at other women but when you do this you make me very sad and you teach our daughter that a future partner would not be expected to respect and care for her - is that what you want to happen?"

whatisthisfuckery
I agree.

@caringcarer I agree, I’ll never be happy with someone like that. I also am aware that my bar has been quite low but I’ll take things slowly. I’m at that point where I am certain this will never change. He’s a creep and odd and sleazy and it will never get better, I know that now more than ever. But I’m trying to stay level-headed and plan a way out that will be good for me and my DD, I’d hate it if she suffered in any way because of a breakup.

If you really do not want to leave, why don’t you tell him you will no longer go out with him anywhere ever, no restaurants, shops or holidays, nothing until you are in a position to leave.

My ex husband behaved in a similar way when out to a degree. Always turning to look at women, it sounds absurd to say now but I think I thought it was normal male behaviour.
I have dated a few men since and have never noticed any of them looking at other women whilst we were out and about.
Recently I was having dinner with a man and several women passed us during the course of the evening, all were wearing something eye catching so to speak. It suddenly struck me that he had never noticed any of them once.

@Whatisthisfuckery Agree!

The alternative is he continues to do it and you sit there humiliated.

Every time you read 'He's a good dad and husband', you can 100% guarantee he's a twat.

Your DD will suffer even more if you stay in a relationship with this perv.

What’s she doing with him? She must have some low standards.’

You would judge her because of his behaviour?

And what Whatisthisfuckery wrote.

I think she will suffer more if you as her mother choose to stay with such an individual for your own reasons. Divorce does not have to be adversarial in nature and you really should not stay just because of or for your child.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here from the two of you?. How would you feel if she was dating someone just like her dad?. What did you learn about relationships then when you were growing up?.

@crimsonlake nice to hear that. That’s the opposite of my H. He’ll be noticing every single woman there, go to the toilet to make sure his hair is perfect, smile at every woman etc. Sick

Do not allow yourself to be dragged down further by your husband by association.

Clearing

Did your own father behave like your husband does towards your mother?.

Let OP leave in her own time. You’ve got to be ready for such a big step.

if you wait until your DD goes to school he will be letching after school mums. Better he does that as a single man (and mums say 'I can see why Clearing left the perv) than as your husband, where you become gossip and pity of the playground clique, and nobody wants to invite you out on a night because of his behaviour

Yeah, because tending to your child while your partner Visibly and obviously sleezes over other women is accepting a low standard of behaviour imo. The OP herself accepts that this is a low standard of behaviour from her DH.

Look, you absolutely despise him. Your DD is going to sense that. Also, the longer you stay the more she will understand and the harder it will be for her.

If the foremost thing in your mind is your DD's welfare, then the sooner you leave him the better. Seriously.

Op he quite possibly has an attitude like my DP had (he wouldn't be smiling but constantly looking, it drove me mad; you would think he had never seen another woman before) -

Its not like I'm asking for her number
So what if I notice someone attractive
You must notice goodlooking men

I told him very very very firmly I would not be ignored, disrespected. Those women could see him and he was humiliating me. I found it unattractive repulsive behaviour. I told him he could correct his appalling behaviour or I would be gone. I meant it. Frankly it took quite a while for the anger to pass that I'd even had to spell it out to him.

You need to sit him down and be direct. If he doesn't take it on board and stop entirely (not reduce - stop) then you have to face the fact he doesn't really care about or respect you.

I think today was the worst day in terms of upsetting behaviour and I’m not willing to give him any more chances whatsoever.

Good. So have you told him that?

This is sounding more like a business arrangement than a love match OP. You say you are 14 years younger and have no family here, you call him a creature. No way did you meet and fall in love with this man, it sounds like a transaction that you are enduring for the money.

There is some horrible victim blaming on this thread

Op...this is not your fault. You did not turn him into the sleazy fucker he is by anything you did or did not do