My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I have had a very complicated upbringing. My mother divorced when I was 8 months and my father didn’t have much to do with us until he died when I was 10. Haven’t got to know him at all.

Mother remarried and my step father was a very good dad, he was my DAD. He loves us like his own children. But they had a troubled relationship. Mother is very domineering and controlling and I had s very low self-esteemfor years.

Why aren’t you just up front with this man.

Him: do you fancy going out for lunch?
You: yes I’d love to, but if you start perving at other women I’m walking out
Him: I don’t do that
You: well I won’t need to walk out them will I.

If he starts perving, then leave.

Call him out severely EVERY time he does it. If he tries to say you’re jealous, or crazy, don’t engage with him. Tell him regardless if why he thinks you are picking him up on it, you don’t like being out with a sleaze and leave. If he doesn’t stop doing it, the. Tell him you’ll leave him alone if he does it again, if he does then leave

Please don’t humiliate your daughter by having your husband perv at her friends when she get older.

I had this done to me by a friend of my dads and it is awful.

WhoKnewBeefStew .Excellent.

Aside from anything else, really doesn't sound like you love him at all

He knows that he's punching way above his weight and he is trying to gaslight you into believing that he might just run off with another young woman who is way way out of his League

I don’t love him anymore indeed, he killed my innocence.

Call him out severely EVERY time he does it.

Or 'challenge' him.

Thanks everyone.

I’m still upset about today’s events, can’t stand him around me. The f...ing prick. I still remember how he was begging me to give him a ‘clean slate’ every time I said I wasn’t sure about us and that he’s never going to let me down.

He is also dyslexic and struggled at school, but managed to do ok in life. Never had any friends really until he got his current job, the 3 friends are from work. I had loads of friends throughout my life, some of them go back to primary school, some to high school and uni. With some of them I keep in close contact, some of them I talk to once in a while, but basically at different times in my life I had 3,4 close friends. He never talks about anyone. Besides these 3 friends of his, he never had any. Isn’t that weird?

What attracted you to him OP? Or was it just a point in life when nothing better was in the offing? I’m asking in all honesty not goading because I have several friends who seem to have ended up with guys who to me are bloody odd

@user1479305498 I had a few unhappy relationships before and then for a while I was meeting really weird guys, like really weird (unstable jobs, lived with their mother until 37 yo, guys looking for sex primarily, or looking for a sugar mummy...all sorts) and then I met him, and he seemed normal. So I said phew, finally a nice guy. He was thoughtful, had a stable job and his house, was very keen on meeting once or twice a week, going to nice places. We seemed to like similar things as well, he was very interested my my hobbies, he took up tennis because I was playing at the time, always surprised me with things.

I'm from abroad too but if it was my husband doing this I'd be out the door and gone... no reasons financially or otherwise are good enough to stay with someone who doesn't respect you, your daughter is gonna learn it's okay for a guy to be this way when she enters the age of relationships and who knows what else she might think is okay to accept in relationships that are not acceptable...

No way...

Do you ever travel to your home country with daughter ? If not this might be a good time to start, take her away at a time that he absolutely can't take time off work and go just with your daughter.. take anything with you that you absolutely cannot leave behind and..........

Never go back to him..

Okay maybe not the best out of all options but Jaysus don't teach your daughter it's ok for men to disrespect you and therefore her later in her life

As he adores his daughter then remind him that she will soon be a woman. Does he want other men acting towards her as he does?

To be honest he’s so odd and creepy with little self-awareness that I’m wondering whether he realises he’s doing something wrong. He’s just in his own world.

@loveya I come from a relatively poor and corrupted country with appalling health care and not a lot of activities for little ones, particularly the region I come from. I’d not take my dd there permanently, just maybe for holidays. We think she’s bright and demands lots of stimulation which she gets here, we do lots of educational activities which she’d not get there. I’d rather put up with shit for her own sake for a few years.

This is starting to sound like a middle-age man who 'buys' a Thai bride because no other woman will look twice at him

Please do not stay - he has no respect for any women at all! And to show your daughter this behaviour is okay from a man is really awful.

What would you say to her in 15 years when some bloke perves over her. Will you say it is okay? I doubt it.

@Whosorrynow not it doesn't sound like that. How can you be so rude as to suggest the OP was bought? You, and some others on this thread are really crossing a line with your cheap insinuations. Would you talk to a British citizen like that? Your prejudice is showing. Maybe try and cover it back up.

I really don't think this is about being sleazy. I think it's about being abusive and here's why I had a strong reaction once when I was pregnant. He said I was mental and that nothing was true. However, it carried on, in an even more obviously way. He told me I’m just very jealous

He is deliberately humiliating you and gaslighting you. He knows this behaviour upsets you which is why he purposely does it. I would not be surprised at all if he is abusive to you in other ways also. As you've realised it's impossible to change someone else's behaviour, but you can change your own.

He sounds very reliant on you, his lack of friends is off along with the excuses to be at home. In your shoes I would not go out with him at all, under any circumstances.

And he only does it when he's with you because he uses you and his daughter as a shield. It's much less likely that these poor women will tell him to fuck off or call the police than they would if he were sitting alone.
So he's not only a sleaze, he's a cowardly inadequate sleaze 😕

I'd refuse to go out with him. Simple!

He won't change. Sorry.

So he’s a perve, gaslights you constantly and you’re staying because he provides you with a comfortable life? Blimey, OP, your dd is going to have a very skewed view of how a relationship works.

Get your own back.
Drool over attractive men in his presence.

If this doesn't work, do not wait 5 years. What a waste of your life plus you'll be five years older and it may make things harder to move on.
Additionally, it will be A LOT worse for your child to split with her dad when she is 7, opposed to 2. She won't remember living with her dad at this age. And, god forbid, you have more children!

He can still be a great father. Just in his own residence.

I like the previous suggestion to call him out on it as and when it happens. Oy of course this means putting yourself through it again and I'm not sure I would.

Next time he suggests going out you could laugh and say not likely when you will sit there perving