My DH is a sleaze

[Clearing]

Long story but will keep it short. Good husband and dad, very thoughtful, works full time and I’m a sahm, DC under 2 yo. Very good around the house, does all the gardening, a fair share of tidying and cleaning, generous with money and presents for myself and DC. Spends all his free time with us, comes home every lunch time, rarely meets friends. Perfect husband.

However, when we are out he’s a sleaze. He ruins all my restaurant experiences if there is any remotely interesting woman in the place, whether a waitress or someone sitting at a table. This happened from very early on in our relationship but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not getting any better.

A few years ago, we went to a very nice, exclusive vegetarian restaurant. It was early on in the relationship and he wanted to impress. We got there and next to us there was a large table with 6 attractive young educated women sitting having a meal and a few drinks. He basically spent most of his time staring at them, listening to their conversations, he wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. He was so happy entertaining himself, asking me what jobs did I think they had etc. etc. I was perplexed. I keep thinking about the evening and wondering why didn’t I just get up and leave. I was naive. On the way back home that night I mentioned to him jokingly that if the reverse happened, there was a bunch of guys sitting there and I behaved like hi did, would he have liked it. He said, again joking, that he’s have HATED it, but that he wasn’t looking at them in a sexual way.

This happened many times since then and now we are going out with DC, and while I feed the DC and deal with her cheeky behaviour, he’s sleazing around, smiling at a particular woman, arranging his hair, touching his neck suggestively, it’s like watching a bad movie, only it’s my reality. I feel sick to my stomach now. How do I put a stop to this disgusting behaviour without having to dump him any time soon. I honestly don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with a creature like that, I’m so mad. And the thing is I’m 14 years younger than him and not bad to look at. I’ve always been slim and look a lot younger than my age. He should be the one perhaps worrying about it. But I have morals and I’m too good of a mum to do anything stupid.

@SuperSara that’s exactly it, only I got pregnant by accident first and then got married. I was very naive indeed.

@Kiwiinkits

Funny how you're the only one condoning OP's dh behaviour, how low is your bar set?

Ask him how he would feel if men did that to your dd when she’s older

You found a flaw in a otherwise perfect man and the women here want you to dump him, break up your happy home because that's what women do to other women. They are jealous and want you to be a struggling single mother like they probably are.

Show him this thread or talk to him about his restaurant behavior. Sort it out between the two of you and don't ask other women what you should do.

Fuck, if I listened to other women I'd be living in a council house in the west midlands now instead of living my dream here in the U.S.

I suspect you married him and are staying for financial reasons.

I would just stop going anywhere with him then you don't have to watch him slobber over strangers.

@RantyAnty yes, the reasons are partly financial. I agree, I should refuse going out with him much. I’m already doing it in a small way. I’m going out with DD to nice places and restaurants, so I’ll keep doing that more.

Just walk out and leave him in the restaurant each and everytime he does this. Give him consequences for his disrespectful behaviour! Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that this is your issue.

He is perving over young women and using you and your dd for cover as the chances are that he would be asked to leave for being a creep if you weren't sitting there.

Tell him that you won't tolerate it and then just leave - zero tolerance!

I suspect you married him and are staying for financial reasons

You’re calling her a gold digger? Based on what exactly? Very nasty.

5 years are you fucking stupid?

Get rid of this slimeball, you only live once!

And gave example of this guy who she was going out with and that he was creeping and perving at other women whilst in her company. And then said, imagine being married to someone like that!

Stop being passive aggressive and start being assertive.

Being passive aggressive gives him an immediate out because he can choose to take your comment at face value and just go "yeah, uh huh."

If you want him to change his behaviour then you need to address it directly and put actual boundaries in place.

"When you ogle young women in public, it's disrespectful to both them and me. Not to mention hideously embarrassing considering you're usually old enough to be their father. I know from experience as a woman that you are making them uncomfortable and ruining their enjoyment of what should be a fun ocassion with friends or family. You're certainly ruining mine.

"You need to stop doing this and learn to act considerately and respectfully to the person you are actually out with - i.e. have an actual conversation, not just grunt "uh huh" while your eyes are nestled into the cleavage of some poor woman on the next table.

"If this behaviour continues I will be walking away, every time, and I [will/will not] be bringing DD with me.

"If there is no sustained change on your part then that tells me everything I need to know about how little you value our relationship, and I will need to consider whether that relationship is now meeting my needs."

Tell him you've had enough of it, and that the next time he pervs over another woman you'll walk out, stating the reason why loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Then do it.

Also what @AmeriAnn said

Jesus he sounds such a tragic wretch, like some dirty sad old smutty man from a carry on film. I would find it very hard not to laugh since it’s desperate behaviour.

It is, however, also extremely disrespectful and I imagine a massive turn off too.

You could return the favour by homing in on a hot bloke next time you’re out and behave like a flirt. Actually yes do this, the turn round and day I just made such a tit of myself I can’t believe it. How you could humiliate yourself and me all these times is beyond me.

Or you could just leave him because it’s crass and insulting to you and his daughter

@Hithere12 no, it’s fine. Reasons are partly financial, nothing wrong with that. I have savings and a flat of my own, but it’s for my DD.

@FuriousVexation I agree with you, only he’d not admit to what he’s doing. He’ll say I’m mad and end the conversation. That’s why I’ve resorted to being passive aggressive. Can’t stand that myself, but I ran out of ideas.

"I have a number of reasons not to do it now which I prefer not to detail on here and I don’t think I’m prepared for anything traumatic at the moment.I’m just trying to spend as much quality time with my DD as possible, making sure she gets the best possible start in life, getting her into a good school etc. She loves him too and I’d not want to deprive her of her dad. We don’t have any other family around, I’m from abroad".

I would put a crisp fiver on it that NONE of your reasons are good enough to stay with him. None, particularly financial reasons. You;re basically staying for your own reasons and they are nothing to do with your child. Your daughter won't thank you for showing her such a crap role model of a male figure in her life either. Do you really need this man in your life this much?

"I’m just thinking about strategies to not upset myself so much and make sure I plan things properly. I think today was the worst day in terms of upsetting behaviour and I’m not willing to give him any more chances whatsoever"

You do not need strategies so much as an exit plan that you should be making sooner rather than later and certainly not five years from now.

Staying for the child is a particularly bad idea. She should not be the glue here that binds you and this man together and you are basically saying that you are afraid of change. It teaches that person that your relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. Its also a burden she will not say thank you for doing to her.

how embarrassing for you OP

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. I wonder whose sake it’s really for.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents which also makes me think about what yours actually taught you. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

The problem is, he's been like this for the whole time you've known him. You're asking him to change a behaviour hes had for years, that you married him despite, and that you stay with him every time he does.
Its a double whammy of asking him to break the habit of a lifetime PLUS giving him many years of his experience being that you'll put up with it as long as he says you're unreasonable every time you bring it up.

You've trained him to NOT stop doing it.

Thanks everyone.

If I was to be on my own right now, I’d have to hire childcare help. I haven’t worked in 2 years and I’m a bit rusty right now. I had some health issues recently when I was urgently hospitalised for 2 days, he did everything, stayed with dd, took time off work, came to see me, took over everything, he’s good with that, extremely caring and helpful with everything. It made me think if that happened and I was alone (I was taken in an ambulance to intensive care), who’d have come to stay and look after dd for 2 days? No one. Scares the hell out of me. These things are important too.

Dont ever stay because of your child-she will know youre unhappy theyre not stupid and it will affect her-should everyone stay with abusers because they have children?

My dh stayed with his ex for his kids and he got ill with stress over it-he said he wished he left a long time before-do it before shes old enough to see what her dad really is

You can do three things:

1: Laugh at him next time he does it and ask him of he is at all aware of how pathetic he looks. Tell him your laughter is your way of dealing with the second-hand-embarrassment he inspires with his creepy gross attempts at appearing seductive. Make fun of him or imitate him if you must. Basically attempt to shame him into quitting this bizarre revolting ridiculousness.

2: Show him some of these responses.

3: Throw the whole man out.

He would look after her as her father-he doesnt just stop being one because you dont live together

If I was to be on my own right now, I’d have to hire childcare help. I haven’t worked in 2 years and I’m a bit rusty right now.

Again this is no barrier to leaving him rather than in some 5 years time. It is possible to also retrain and learn new skills.

"I had some health issues recently when I was urgently hospitalised for 2 days, he did everything, stayed with dd, took time off work, came to see me, took over everything, he’s good with that, extremely caring and helpful with everything. It made me think if that happened and I was alone (I was taken in an ambulance to intensive care), who’d have come to stay and look after dd for 2 days? No one. Scares the hell out of me. These things are important too.

He did what he had to do, he does not deserve a medal for doing that nor should he be put on some pedestal. Can you not see just how low your relationship bar is here?.

OP if this is the only bad thing about him I wouldn’t leave over it but make it VERY clear you won’t tolerate such disrespectful behaviour and if he does it again then just walk out