"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Doesn't want to see you this weekend = not a break up, but continued silent treatment to gauge whether you'll crack. Slick. If he was breaking up, he'd break up. Wait and see, he'll make contact ober the weekend or next week to see if you've seen the error of your ways. 🧟‍♂️

I'm another woman who doesn't fit the description of my culture. I'm short and thick. Thick is absolutely a compliment.
I think as you went on to actually describe yourself as short and thick, you must no it wasn't meant in a negative way and its an overreaction on your part. If i'm being honest, if my partner wanted to have a huge sit down discussion about something so trivial, I'd be rethinking the relationship too. It's a shame if your relationship has to end over a misunderstanding. If you don't want it to end, I'd just bite the bullet and send him an apology.

I'm 5ft nothing and shaped like a dumpling so definitely short and thick! Or thicc, whatever

I think we agree that you overreacted, and dragging it out with face to face chats was excessive BUT days of silent treatment, cancelling multiple dates and generally refusing to move on is also an overreaction on his part. If someone uses sulking and ignoring as a punishment (rather than maybe just needing some space to cool down) then you are better off out of it

I do think you overreacted at his comment. However, his response is a bigger overreaction. And to tell you he's not going to see you this weekend over text, leaving you hanging on a string, is very unkind imo.

Do as you said OP and stop messaging him. It's starting to feel like he's expecting to be chased. And if not, he should be decent and tell you exactly how he's feeling so you're not sitting around guessing.

Honestly, OP. If I were in your shoes right now, I'd me taking the decision out of his hands and ending it myself.

This is not the way you want to be spending the rest of your life, surely!!

Thank you all.I accept the blame for my overreaction.But like somebody said - it was a misunderstanding ‚still wanted to see him etc. Anyway I have been going over things in my head over and over again and really trying not to go mad.Seems to me like he just cannot be arsed.Im not a drama queen and we have had a great year together. But he likes things to be perfect,his house,his car, his body etc. He is very OCD about material things etc .So my guess is he just doesnt like that we are not so perfect anymore and that we need to try and amend things or break up.I do not think he actually wants to break up but this could be his decision regardless - too much hassle,work etc. relationships are not perfect,I am not perfect. Until he actually sent me the text about not wanting to see me this weekend I was ready to go to his house tomorrow as planned,apologise,kiss and make up.
But now Im just angry.If he needs to think he needs to do it quick or there might be no going back from this for us,sadly :(god knows how he would deal with things if something really properly serious happened between us!

No I do not want to live like this and I will not.

He's the one who sounds like hard work and a drama queen. You are probably better off in the long run without him.

But he likes things to be perfect,his house,his car, his body etc. He is very OCD about material things etc

He sounds like an utterly unbearable arse tbh. You're well rid. Find someone nice who isn't obsessed with perfection. This was always going nowhere. He's shown his true colours.

Hopefully it will blow over and he will contact you with an apology or an attempt to communicate about it.

He is very OCD about material things etc .So my guess is he just doesnt like that we are not so perfect anymore

OCD is a serious mental illness and it’s very offensive to people with real OCD to be so glib and say someone is “OCD” about a certain thing

Im sorry for causing offence with the OCD comment.

I’m going to go against the grain here OP. ‘Short and thicc’ on its own =compliment. ‘Short and thic’ Whilst comparing you to tall & slim women= shitty insult designed to make you feel bad about yourself. Ask him if he’d prefer it if you were slimmer. I can already guess the answer would be yes.....

@Pinkgin22 I would be afraid to ask I think.Some things are better left unsaid for my own sanity 😒

To all the people on here calling OP 'hard work', aren't relationships hard work sometimes? That's what I've been told by happily married couples.

They're not meant to be hard work all the time, though. And it sounds like this is the first disagreement OP has had with him, so theirs hasn't been.

A couple who have been together for one year should be able to talk about this. And if the comment hurt her, why shouldn't she talk to him about it? In a good relationship, the person who caused unintended offence/annoyance will at least make room for that conversation and explain it wasn't intended. If he's a kind person, he will take into account her insecurities if she has some. And then you can both move on from it.

He was an arse obviously but you then brought it up 3 days running and wanted your next meeting so you could discuss it further? Everyone has at some point said something stupid to a loved one of this is as you have said a one off why not just let it go. He's tried to explain what he meant (badly) I don't know about leaving him it's a minor thing if he's otherwise perfect.

I don't think you overreacted actually.

I think that it rang an alarm bell in your head because 1) you've had self esteem issues before and 2) you worked hard on your self love. You worked hard to love yourself and someone telling you something about your body in a negative way rang alarms for you.

I think you absolutely reacted right and I think him sending Instagram photos of curvy girls is incredibly insensitive and rude.

I think doing that made it absolutely clear that 1) he thinks women should be skinny and tall and 2) you are not ticking that box for him. Aka he's a girt big fucking knobhead whose priorities in life do not align with yours.

Consequently, you should be happy to be rid of such a man (I know it's hard not to feel crestfallen and sad but see this as a seriously good thing). I'm annoyed people have told you it's your fault or you overreacted. You didnt. You are entitled to feel upset about shitty comments like that and breaking up over something that could easily have been sorted with a conversation says so much about him and his lack of effort/commitment to you.

You are beautiful the way you are remember. You truly are. You'll find someone who appreciates you for who you are soon. In the meantime, bit more self love, move on, have some fun being single and be you.

@Mucky1 I brought it up three times ,once on Tuesday and twice on Wednesday.But not going to explain my reasons yet again.Also I do not want to break up but it seems to be going that way.

@PinkPlink thank you,positive messages are needed right now.Im feeling shit.

It's not so much the comment but the fact that he is openly comparing you to other women. He might as well give you a score out of ten, and see how you rate against those instagram models.
Those kind of comments suit a casual hook-up, not a serious relationship. Maybe you just wanted different things?

@Tardigrade001. Maybe.We seemed pretty serious though.We took our time to get to know each other etc.No red flags .But perphaps Im not his type?

Sounds weird to me OP. Everything fine then suddenly he's in break up territory (or at least seriously sulking) over something this minor? Are you sure there's nothing else in the background?

Anyway it's a pity as you were good together but if he has this mega sulk side to him I guess you're better off finding out now.

@Aria999 This is the reason why I posted.I have no idea why ,cant think of anything thats significant really.Hes never acted like this before.Unless there is something else there I dont know about ....but he needs to tell me I cant read minds :(

Oh op I feel sad that he’s made you feel like this. You are fine the way you are & if the person you are with is making you doubt that maybe you should evaluate how much value they’re bringing to your life