"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Don't text him even when he eventually texts back (because you passed the test).

Please do the Freedom Programme.

You're not really answering a lot of the comments, or even the situation itself.

You misunderstood, went on about it and are now determined to be the victim. From his point of view you have misunderstood, gone on about it and seem like hard work.

In your ideal world he'd be begging forgiveness and then you could carry on as before. What if he has had his confidence in you shaken and he's not sure he wants to go forward?

You're expecting him to psychically know how you're feeling, that you only wanted a 5 minute chat instead of wanting to spend the whole date talking about it.

He's having a break and a think. It's up to you to make the first move as it was your overreaction which led to this.

I doubt you'll accept this, though. You do in fact want drama and to be toId he is a bad person.

Not determined to be a victim.Still think hes not a bad person and it will get sorted.Him not replying is not normal.Im just sad it has led to this. Non of us needs to beg for forgiveness. Ive made a move and want to move on from this but I cant if he doesnt engage.

To be 'thicc' as a size 8/10 you must have a great bust and bum, lucky you.

I don't think he was insulting you, just saying that his perception/image of what is typical for your country is tall and skinny (skinny here being not much by of bust/ass) and therefore you don't seem typical to him as you're not tall (you're not short by UK standards but you're not tall) and have curves. It's a little bit tactless but only because many women can be insecure/sensitive and would latch onto "you're saying I'm not skinny" in a negative way.

Anyway - slightly tactless/lacking in caution but unfortunately not unusual for men (who often seem to be bluntly spoken and who don't realise the extent of women's insecurities and sensitivity).

Now to the handling of the subsequent (minor) conflict .. I think he's either one if those guys in general or is, at this time, one if those guys who will take very little "hassle". Underlying that is a relative indifference/cavalier-ness' to relationships. This is often because of being jaded from a marriage/relationship breakdown and from feeling they have enough pressure on their plate from work, children (even if not reside my parent) etc.

I would be, from his reaction, careful about your level of investment and emotion with this one. He seems like he hasn't got much tolerance at all for perceived hassle/conflict.

FGS what does it matter?

Do you and your BF ever talk about important issues, Nadia or are you forever hung up on trivia like this?

I cannot believe that this relationship is anything other than shallow.

On both sides.

You deserve each other.

He may be rethinking the relationship.

Thats his right to do. Some people dont want to be in relationships where there has been some drama created because a compliment was taken incorrectly.

But he should tell her that.

OP you are right not to text him again. You took the first step. Dont be driving yourself crazy.

Wither his daughter is really poorly and he just cant deal with the situation with you two as well. Or he is trying to drive you crazy.

If it's the first, I get it. If it's the second he is a dick that you dont need. Only time will tell.

I’m sorry you’re going through this! I wish I’d been as smart as you when I was young! You sound very together and very in touch with yourself. You should be very proud! Meanwhile, his unwillingness to offer a sincere apology for hurting your feelings and to play this waiting game is alarming. I think you should listen to your intuition if this is raising red flags. His “blaming you” for reacting to something he said is classic gaslighting behaviour. You are actually allowed to have an opinion and feelings that differ from his - and he won’t always be right.

The one thing I have found, is that with men love and respect are closely linked.

Now I am over 50, have ceased to give a sh* and live with the sadness of having invested my life with someone who does not do loyalty or deep attachment?

The level of that disrespect AND the reaction (failing to make amends) would tell me to move on. There is someone out there who will adore you for just who you are.

I look sadly at people in my decade and above who are still with their short, fat, not very pretty wives and clearly love them. Why not me? It is a quiet pain I have.

Being single is much much better than subtle contempt and disrespect I have discovered.

He’s behaving in a really immature fashion, regardless off the initial discussion. Grown ups don’t silent treatment. It’s cruel

This all sounds rather immature to me. My relationship isn’t perfect by any means but it would have gone something like:

Her, ‘you’re not tall and skinny, you’re short and thick.’

Me, ‘thick? Wtf? Is that what you think of me?’

Her, ‘No, not stupid or fat, curvy and sexy. It’s a compliment nowadays.’

Me, ‘Really? I’ve never heard that before. I don’t like being called thick though because to me it sounds insulting so please can you not call me that?’

Her, ‘ok, well it wasn’t an insult but fair enough.’

Then we might have a face on for a few minutes then get over it and move on.

You’re tall for a woman, average height in the UK is three inches less than you. You’re also a size 8 so definitely not ‘thick’ (curvy) imo. You’re tall and slim by the sounds of it and he’s an absolute dickhead.

Just block his number and move on, I would. He’s moping around now because you called him out on it. Probably expected to get away with it. Sounds like a sly attempt to make you feel insecure to me.

@Whatisthisfuckery, exactly!

OP, you do not deserve silent treatment and be aware you really don't know him, a year is nothing as it usually takes 2 years for the true self to come out. I suspect this is who he is, will not be challenged, as Whatisthisfuckery said, why didn't it just end like this.

Silent treatment, unless he is hospitalised is never healthy and signals at best emotional inmaturity, at worse toxic traits.

I was there with a Mr lovely, few red flags like this that I put down to miscommunication, over sensitivity on both our parts. It ramped up and I realised whilst I reflected on my behaviour he NEVER did with his so it led to me making all the compromises.. reaching out to smooth it over, it just got worse.

Listen to your gut instinct, do not talk yourself out of your instincts and why you posted here

You’re tall for a woman, average height in the UK is three inches less than you. You’re also a size 8 so definitely not ‘thick’ (curvy) imo. You’re tall and slim by the sounds of it and he’s an absolute dickhead.

If you read the thread opnis 5ft 4. Not 3 inches taller than average.

Besides which, as pps have said, when did short become and insult.

And as many have explained 'thick' is not about weight or dress size. It's a compliment about body shape.

I'm a size 6-8 in clothes but have 'thick' thighs. They are definitely not skinny, I love them. I would personally be far more offended if a guy called me skinny or said I had skinny thighs, because to me they're not, they're thick and meaty lol

I don't blame him for not responding to you; if my boyfriend kicked off to this level over a compliment then I would be stepping back too. He didn't insult you - it was a compliment. You've said yourself that you are short and curvy. Your insecurities i.e. you wish you were tall and slim lots of us do! aren't actually his problem. You seem to expect him to micro-manage every word that comes out his mouth incase you misunderstand, and then want to over analyse it and have in-depth discussions about it...well, who can be bothered.... I'd say that you either need to apologise for being a drama queen, or leave the guy alone

I once got miffed with a boyfriend when he complimented me on something that I didn't like about myself. He said he loved my smile and loved to see me smile, I hate/d my teeth and was mortified he had even seen me smile. I snapped at him.

He, rightly, went quiet on me and a few days later dumped me. I was really upset about it.

But you know what? He was right to do it. Painful to admit that, but why should he be with someone who couldn't accept a compliment from him? It's pretty draining and upsetting to be put in the doghouse for a compliment.

I don't think it's fair to say you "don't deserve this" etc. OP, because he didn't deserve you projecting your feelings about your body onto him. He may honestly just not know what to say to you anymore.

He was telling you he finds you gorgeous as you are, and you got upset with him for that, simply because you yourself do not think you are gorgeous as you are... Not great it is?

I agree with picsinred, this is just seeing how much you'll put up with..

This sounds like a projection of your insecurities. It doesn't really sound to me like he's done anything wrong (although showing you the Instagram women seemed unnecessary).

Why don't you just send a message briefly explaining your reasons and that you understand he didn't mean anything wrong by it. Rather than wait until you see him.

The silent treatment is OTT though.

I think that he may see it as the op seeing how much he'll put up with.

Nothing worse than going in endless circles trying to explain from all angles that a comment truly didn't mean anything bad.

Im not perfect in this but I tried to make amends.He just texted me he doesnt want to see me this weekend.Nothing else. I guess we are over. Im fucking sad it has come to this thats all but Im going to leave him alone.

Thanks for all your comments

Tbh, whether you over reacted or not, this is not the way an adult conducts themselves.

Even if he gets in touch after the weekend, I'd be having a serious think about whether someone who behaves like this is someone you can imagine a future with.

Have you disagreed with him much before?

Some guys are fine as long as they get their way and you agree with them most of the time.

When you don't. They sulk and give silent treatment as punishment.

We never had a serious disagreement worth thinking about. We had discussions etc but are actually pretty alike and got on well.We both speak our minds and are open about things. There has never been anything unusual or worrying about our relationship before even though some of you think I am hard work etc.

DH once told me I would be good at golf as I was short and stocky. I am short but at that point I was a size 10 which is tiny for me. I laughed about it and it is still a catchphrase 25 years down the line. However if he said it now I am considerably larger than that size 10 I would be fuming.