"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

OP please don't listen to all these people telling you you are hard work.
You felt upset, expressed that calmly and the person who is supposed to love you did not care.
In fact he has decided to punish you and make you more upset.
This is the start of years of you dancing to his tune. Don't do it. Walk away and find a man who cares enough about you to comfort you if you are upset

Couldn’t agree more with previous poster. Expressing your feelings (once or twice - or even several times if they are not being heard or being minimized) is not being difficult, it is being strong.

Thanks guys.Im feeling a bit better today. It is what it is.Got a day planned ahead of me and will keep busy. Appreciate all the comments.Will update if anything happens.

OP, you dont deserve this.

You already know what I think of the original issue.

But what he is doing now isnt ok.

Refusing to see you, silent treatment etc.

If he wants to end it. He should just end it.

Who was right or wrong doesnt really matter anymore.

He is keeping you dangling. He knows you will be stressing and playing things over. He knows you are hurting.

Some people need space. I know I do. If me and dp argue, I remove myself. I know he used to find that hard. I am always clear that I am not walking away from him I need space. The longest it is, is to go for a walk.

What he is doing to you now isnt ok.

Be prepared for him to come back with an excuse such as 'I did want to see you but my daughter was ill'. Because if that was the case and it was just bad timing, he would have called. He would have talked it out and explained it wasnt about the fallout and reassured you.

I just suspect when you dont start getting upset and begging him to talk to you, he will try and back track and make up an excuse as to why he didnt want to see you.

Sorry he turned out to be such a tool.

I know for a fact his daughter is ok now,he went to work as yesterday.He will have his kids this weekend and I was supposed to join them for the plans we made. I hate this silence but I will wait.Im actually thinking whether it is worth it anymore.Im hurting really like you said @proteinshakesandtears. I would rather he broke up with me.If he doesnt Im not sure it will be worth staying together for me. It has turned into this huge thing and I dont know of I can be arsed myself .
I have to admit he was online last night so I called him and he didnt answer. Thought if we talk using actual voices would be more mature.No answer no call back.No more tries on my part.

I know Im going on and on about the same thing when people have real problems.I just find it here very supportive,honest and helpful even when I get criticised - I take it on board and reflect.Thank you all

Dont try again.

I know easier said than done

I am betting there will be an excuse. A whole range of things come to mind. From past relationships causing him to act this way, to him thinking you hated him.

It will be an excuse that makes you feel like you are being too tough on him and start feeling sorry for him.

You are amazing. Dont let him do it to you.

You arent going on and on.

And others peoples problems dont mean yours dont matter

@proteinshakesandtears 😙😙😙😙😙

I agree with others OP, trust your gut, what he said made you uneasy for a good reason. His real character is starting to show. You deserve someone that doesn’t make you feel diminished.

From the sound of it the cold, silent treatment means that it is over. It is a shitty way to end a relationship.
I'm sorry that he is being such an arse

Hard work? I don’t think voicing an objection when someone upsets you is ‘hard work’. It’s called not being a push over, or a nodding dog.

But apparently you should have let him say whatever he wanted and pushed your hurt feelings down far and never shown them, all to keep being ‘easy enough’ to make this catch of a man want to carry on being in a relationship!

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to object to being insulted and then want to explain why you have firm boundaries about this, that mean a lot to you.

Now he’s acted so weirdly disproportionately to the original issue.

It’s very sad but I think this happening now may have been a good thing, as you might have carried on another year before discovering how immature and one sided he is as soon as even the slightest issue arises.

He's being a dick, this is not your fault. You could argue the whole thing was a bit of a misunderstanding (and many, many women would have reacted the same way, any man knows unless they are daft that women are sensitive to such comments) but he is now being cruel and very immature.

I think he is punishing you and trying to get you "back in line" and that's not on.

If it was me I would tell him that if he was going to continue behaving this way then we should go our separate ways, but that's up to you obviously. But don't blame yourself - I've done this before when a man has massively overreacted to a small argument, but in an actual adult relationship you just get past this stuff.

Thank you guys 😙

I never understand when people say I would rather he broke up with me. Why can’t you make the decision as to whether you think his behaviour is acceptable and decide whether you want to continue to be with him. If someone took off and ignored me after a disagreement I would consider that the end.Games and crap like this is just not worth it. One life.... so enjoy it

Btw, I’m 5ft1 and size 6-8 and I am frequently described as scrawny or skinny. (Neither are meant to be flattering, either.) If anyone said I was thick, I’d assume that they meant I was stupid. (I am old and that’s what thick meant a billion years ago.) If they were referring to my physique as somehow not being slim enough, I would probably lose my shit. (Many years of eating disorders, much therapy and I have worked hard to lose 60kgs with an autoimmune disorder and maintain a healthy body weight. Far too many people are invested in the body weight of others for the wrong reasons!!!)

@aweedropofsancerre Im still figuring it out.Its not just his decision to make but Im not ready to make mines yet.Need to calm down a bit.But Im only giving it a couple of days at most.
@justilou thanks for your post and big congratulations on your weight loss and overall strenght :)

Not doing so well tonight.Had a good day and I will not contact him.Just want to get through the night somehow. And wake up and feel better.Just missing him thats all.

I would worry about him "trying to show you whos boss" rather than his description of your physique.

Smacks of someone who can't take on others views or applogise....both very unnatractive traits imo.

Sending hugs. This must be so hard coming out of the blue like it has. Xx

Im just an idiot

No you aren't. He is.

I think you're overreacting, thick is considered a compliment these days in Instagram culture. He probably meant it as a compliment and cant understand why you're upset.

No... you are entitled to your feelings and your reactions. The way you describe him, you are expected to look and behave in a way that reflects upon him at all times. You are not a mirror.

I think you both need to have a hug and put it behind you. He has been clumsy with language and is now being a child.

When a man calls a woman short and fat he's saying he doesn't like that (and being a total bell end)

When he says a woman is short and thick he means that's exactly how he likes them, its his kind of ideal.

FWIW If I saw someone on an OLD site who was 34, 5'4" and size 8-10 it wouldn't be a match on the basis of too young and too small but height is perfect. The fact is we are all different, I hope you manage to talk it through and come out the other end.