"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Cancelling the date was possibly an over reaction, but you are now saying you wanted 5 minutes to talk about it and were planning to apologise for being over sensitive- that's not what you said to him is it?
To be perfectly honest if I had made a harmless comment to my partner with no ill intent, which they had overreacted to and insisted on discussing it again over dinner I'd probably cancel dinner too. It's pretty tedious.
I don't understand why 'insecurities' mean that partners aren't meant to mention factual aspects of their partner's bodies. So what if you aren't tall and skinny! Do you want him to pretend he hasn't noticed that? Why do you see it as a negative thing that he has correctly observed your body shape?

@CodenameVillanelle thank you.yeah perphaps I should have been clearer to him. Really didnt want it to turn into such big deal. I didnt like the comment I also still dont like the word thick to be used to describe my body.I would rather be tall and slim so my first reaction was that it was a dig thats all. And also there was no need to point out my body shape in the first place.

I'm five four and a 12/14 so to me you would be tall and skinny

I think his recent behaviour is telling he isnt trying to make things right with you he is letting you chase him you should leave it to drop make your own plans and let him get in touch you have tried he wasnt interested so leave it

You might not be "skinny" but at your height and a size 8/10 you are slim!

You can be slim and thicc though... it just means you have a good arse and thighs.

How talk is he? Short and tall is obvs a subjective judgement depending on the speaker

Oh well if 'thick' is a compliment now, I've completely changed my mind.

I'm still reeling from the fact that 'thick' (which meant fat, or stupid in a different context, to me) has become a compliment, and that a 35yo man would be using it as such, but it obviously does change things.

If he was paying you a compliment and then you were stand offish for the rest of the day, and still going on about it the next day even after he'd sent photos to demonstrate that it was a compliment, and saying that you wanted to 'talk' about it that night, I think I can understand why he's decided that he cba with the drama.

Hopefully, you'll sort it out. But if women from your country are stereotyped as very tall and skinny, and you yourself are 5' 6" and curvy, and say that about yourself,why would you be offended by him saying that you are shorter and curvier than one might expect? I do t get it at all now. Hope you manage to talk and make up.

I realise thick is not an insult, equally at 5ft 6 and a size 8/10 I'm not sure "thick" applied as a body shape.

OP is actually 5ft 4in. And yes, thick, is about body shape.

Beyonce is slim. She doesnt have much body fat. But her thighs and bum, are gorgeous and 'thick/thicc'

A person who is an 8/10 can still have thick thighs or their thighs can be very skinny.

I cant believe how many women feel that the opposite of tall or skinny must be a negative. If you are not tall and skinny and someone points it out as a fact, as a compliment, it must be negative. They just be trying to knock someones confidence.

It says alot about peoples view of other womens bodies and their own, that anything that isn't tall and skinny is a insult.

Again, the sulking isnt great. I get his daughter is poorly and that should take priority.

But this has been a misunderstanding and blown up. If he cant get past this the relationship wasnt going anywhere.

OP, you posts quite a lot of statements about how great you. It's great to have confidence in yourself. Have confidence that you may not be tall and skinny. But that's not a bad thing.

FWIW I have never watched anything to with the Karadashians or porn.

I still knew this was a meant as a compliment.

I would rather be tall and slim so my first reaction was that it was a dig thats all. And also there was no need to point out my body shape in the first place.

But you arent. And that's not a negative thing to say. That's the problem. You see anything that's not tall and skinny as a negative thing. It's not.

As pp said, you need to change your thinking on what is good and bad regarding body shape.

He commented because you were having a conversation on how you look. It's not like he pulled it out of nowhere.

If you dont want people to voice an opinion on your body then dont discuss your looks at all.

Why can't you just talk to each other? On The phone? Using your actual voices? Seriously you're both acting like teenagers.

@proteinshakesandtears thank you again.It actually have taken years to learn to love myself as I am and seems I still have a lomg way to go if a innocent comment knocks me down. You are right ,not being tall and skinny might not be a bad thing.

He is tall and hot! :) No,women in my country are average height, not particularly tall or anything.

If he responds to me today I will definitely call him.We talk on the phone too!

It's not right, is it? He makes personal comments - you feel uncomfortable with being labelled that way. You stand up to him. He doesn't like that. He basically ends things as punishment for you expressing your views about your own body.

He's done you a massive favour: he doesn't want a woman who stands up for herself. You don't want a man who makes thoughtless judgements and comments about your body. Let him find himself a willing doormat and you can move on and find someone interested more in your soul than in your looks. Win win.

Nadia86 you should lovely and sound like you have come along way in loving yourself.

Working on loving your body for what it is. A size 8/10 with good thigh and ass, is a alot of womens ideal body type.

I am 5ft 8. I always hated being the tallest out of my friends. Wearing heels, made me stand out a mile. Now I dont care so much. I dont carry weight on my stomach. As I said I am bigger than you, but not inclination to lose weight. I have always loved my body. But I do now.

Also, as do and all his family are taller than me. His sister is 5ft 11in. He is 6ft 4in. His step mum is 5ft 11. I always feel short around them and they make gentle jokes about me being short. He has one sister at 5ft 4in. She definitely feels shortvwheb we are all together.

But then if I am with my family I am randomly tall. Everyone, apart from my brother is shorter than me. So height is perspective, alot of the time. Again, tall doesn't = good.

I hope he gets in touch and you both sort it so you are both happy. But dont wait around forever. I think his initials comments were a misunderstanding between you both. The science is probably exasperation. I like to have space if me and dp are in a cycle of bickering or going round in circles about an issue. But if he continues this, then he is a dick.

Yes @Tennesseewhiskey thank you ,you are right.

Thanks again @proteinshakesandtears I bet you are gorgeous! :)

@RuffleCrow lets hope you are not right but will have wait and see...

@rufflenet so he's a crude, thoughtless boor and she should LTB. Isn't that bit of an overreaction? By the sound of it he made a jokey, ill-thought out compliment. She took it the wrong way and overreacted a bit. He made it worse by showing those pictures. Now he's likely embarrassed, not sulking, and doesn't know what to say. Or perhaps he's just extra busy at work.

I find some posters quite unsettling on here.

They seem so invested in telling OP that he meant something horrible, because it's not tall and skinny really concerning.

Firstly that tall and skinny is the ideal.

And that they want to convince OP that her partner said something horrible to her. Despite the evidence that he meant it as a compliment. The word is a compliment. Wether you like it or not is different, it's generally accepted as a compliment.

It's like some people feed off the OP feeling shit about herself.

@Skittlesandbeer, well said.

If he can't handle an "upset" in communication how do you think he will deal with bigger issues?

Every couple will miscommunicate at times, especially if busy. How you deal with that upset is what determines how satisfactory the relationship will be.
Women generally make more efforts in relationships so I think we let more slide than men.

Reverse this, what if he said you had upset him, I think the instinct in a new relationship would be to reassure and apologise. This is how we learn about each others preferences, through reassurance.

I think he seems like a "Mr Right", he said it, knew what he meant so she had no right to be upset. That approach does not make for long term happiness.

Is he on good terms with the mother of his child?

However he meant it - a face to face discussion after the time you have been together is not a difficult ask. Any issues regarding how he meant it, how you received it etc could have been cleared up

But more importantly - I don't like the way he is trying to 'manage' you into submission here. This is nasty, and a power move. This is what you should be thinking about now.

Personally if someone threatens the security of relationship to control me or a situation then it's over. Because this person is only interested in power and not communication or trust.

A grown-up in this situation would have had a discussion with you and If it transpired you were being unreasonable or overly insecure in a negative or controlling way, then he would have gone away, thought about it and told you it was over. This is not what happened - his intentions are to get you to shut-up and not question him...or else.......

Short? I'm short. I'm 5'1/2". You are not short. You are average height.

At 47 after two kids, I'm a 10-12 UK. That's not skinny. I would not describe myself as 'thick'.

I might describe someone who called someone who is 5'6" and a size 8/10 as 'thick'. But I wouldn't be talking about their physical size.

Still nothing :( im going crazy here.Hope his daughter is ok ,hope he is just busy but its soooo not like him :(

That's exactly what he wants - you going crazy, desperate to talk to him so that any eventual communication from him is seen as a positive, regardless of his crap attitude. He's playing you like a piano OP and if you don't end it in your own mind you're really vulnerable to years of mental torture. Aren't you worth more than that?

'Thick' means you've got a bum where I live. Unfortunate miscommunication.

Are you sure you didn't actually misunderstand him, second
language etc & if he's young, or hanging out I a young environment, he might be using "thic" in the way youth do these days, as in its meant as a compliment.

I was insulted that DD thought it funny that one of her male friends had told her "your mama is so thick" which I took yo mean fat, which I'm not. Apparently these days it means curvaceous & sexy, which is preferred as opposed to skinny clothes horse types

I definitely dont deserve this .Will not text again :(