"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Carla type in #thick women then you'll see. I'm surprised you claim to have never heard of this but if you've no younger or different culture people around you then I guess that's why.

In a lot of worlds... see a picture of a hot woman... wow she's thicc...

to me I find it more offensive that "short and thick" is viewed as rude when "tall and skinny" isn't... that's wrong.

Like this:
He said not tall and slim, thick and short, the opposite of tall and slim. Very rude.

One isn't better than the other... why is tall and slim not rude? I don't get it...

thicc has been around for the past year or so, maybe longer...it's like saying "she's fine"

But I do not think the way he has handled it is OK at all, I'm more concerned about that. The way he explained it wasn't good and how he reacted after that.

Not sure how at size 8/10 you think you are curvy.... I am similar size and height - and no one calls me curvy. They ask me how I manage to stay skinny.
And you are way skinnier than an average UK woman.

‘Today's British women are 5ft 5ins tall on average, weigh 11st, have size six feet and dress size 16.’

I think you need to explain to him that you'd never heard the word 'thicc' to mean voluptuous, and so thought he was saying that you were wide. Then apologise for not understanding his attempt to explain, and getting wound up about it.
Hopefully he'll then apologise for sulking, and all will be well.

Erm, I genuinely think he was trying to complement you. If everything has been fine up until now I would try to sort things out. Would be a shame to throw it away if you were so happy before and he hasn't done/said anything to upset you previously

@Nadia86

You missed an option!

He meant it in the most innocent way, that he's shocked you think he would insult the woman he loves. He was trying to show you curvy women to boost your confidence in what he meant and that backfired too.

Did he say he didn't mean to offend you? Or anything like that?

Try not to let it go to far, you love him.

While this whole discussion of the word ‘thick’ is interesting, it’s a derail.

His inability or unwillingness to sort things out (whether it’s an honest mistake or clumsy insult) is a big concern. Either way his sulking is designed to leave you hanging, and punish you for not being ‘nicer’ to him.

One year in is exactly when these traits come to light. Before that it’s usually best behaviour, and no point in him twitching the fishing line until you’re well and truly biting down on the hook.

Now you see how he deals with a pretty low level ‘blip’ in your texting conversation, how do you imagine he will deal with bigger things down the track?

Even at best, he seems far less mature than you are (and than his age would require). His conflict style is totally at odds with yours, and he seems to have no motivation to communicate through problems. Yes, some people can communicate/apologise through actions instead, but he’s not doing that either. He’s staying away from you, making it all about himself, and assuming you’ll come begging cos you’re ‘in luuuurrrrvvvv’. You’re already showing signs you will comply, by texting him at all.

I remember an incident a lot like yours happened to me, on holiday with an ex. Whether he was conscious of it or not, the fact that we were on holiday put even more pressure on me to ‘make things ok’ or jolly him out of his sulk. He blanked me for 2 days, in the same hotel room. I was so desperate I rang his mum. She sighed and said ‘Oh his father used to do that. It’s quicker if you just give in love, and make the day extra nice for him.’

Something clicked inside me. I believe the feeling can best be expressed in words as ‘Oh fuck no’. I booked a train ticket home, and on to a life filled with adults rather than damaged toddlers. He chased me for months, but I never forgot that feeling. I knew in my heart that I’d be signing up for a life of it. Whether it’s their fault or not, change is very very unlikely. Especially past 25.

And don’t get hung up on ‘but I love him’ or ‘but he loves me’. Hanging up your chances of happiness and security because you’re determined to fix someone damaged is the biggest mug’s game on the planet.

Best way to not text someone is... don’t text them. Do ANYTHING else with your hands and brain, except that.

You are way too sensitive. And thick doesn’t mean fat it’s a compliment nowadays. It’s in fashion to be curvier now (not fat but thick like the Kardashian’s etc).

@Proteinshakesandtears

Yes I agree ! Definitely giving you a complement that back fired.

Remember he hasn't ever been that way, why would he start now. Give the man the benefit of the doubt.

He's probably sulking a little because you thought he would put you down like that, hurt feelings.

His silence is probably a bit unnecessary.

Fact of the matter is , he’s just not that into you. Maybe your making too much of an issue of this. Get a grip of yourself.

Fact of the matter is , he’s just not that into you. Maybe your making too much of an issue of this. Get a grip of yourself

Yea this. I’d run a mile if I started dating someone this sensitive.

I avoid anything Kardashian or 'porn culture' related maybe that's why I've never heard the word thick as a compliment. It sounds like a term to describe people who get butt implants and boob jobs. If a man even thought it was a good thing to look like a Kardashian blow up sex doll type I'd ditch him.

If a man even thought it was a good thing to look like a Kardashian blow up sex doll type I'd ditch him

Oh my god 🙄 some people on this site are so strange.

Thick does not = Kim Kardashian I was using them as an example. Thick means curvy as is a compliment!!!

Telling a woman to dump someone she’s dating over a compliment you admit you’ve never heard or don’t understand? Jeez

For the record, I'm not telling her she must ditch him. At the very least she needs to have a talk with him. Please don't put words in my mouth.

I'm talking about MY preferences not hers.

He’s clearly punishing you for having the audacity to question or criticise him. Not a good sign in my experience.

I think you totally over reacted to a compliment and now he has pulled back perhaps from exasperation. Just reading your posts here makes me feel exasperated. He did nothing wrong, you made nothing into a big deal. It is tedious, who wants to sit down and have some big pre planned conversation about an offhand compliment over dinner? I'd give it a swerve too.

You call yourself thick, but if he does, you get stroppy and offended.
He sends you examples of other pretty, curvy women who he says are thick... you somehow manage to take this as an insult (?)
He distanced himself from you because you're in a strop and being massively silly... and you're stropping about that too? It's not silent treatment... it's not wanting to talk to someone who is being ridiculous and embarrassing herself. Hes giving you space to stop being silly.

You sound like really hard work.

My dp loves that I have a big muscular arse and calls me thick and obviously it's a compliment?? Is he meant to pretend you are petite and delicate even when you yourself use the same word, thick, to describe yourself??

Xichuensis

Completely agree. There’s nothing more boring than someone who finds any excuse to cause a big drama and start arguments.

Isn't it a bit premature to accuse him of "sulking" or giving the silent treatment etc. just because he hasn't communicated with her in a day? If they lived together and he just ignored her that would be sulking, but they don't.

As someone who has a big bum, I haven't heard thick/thicc as a compliment. There are nicer ways to talk about your DP's body.

Let's say he was a bit skinny and short and felt insecure. How would he like it if you focused in one one of his body parts e.g. height and build, talked about it in language that was not considered by him to be complemetary and sent pictures of other men. While not reassuring him that you thought he was hot.

I think it's a bit weird to be honest. He needs to clarify and he can't do that if he won't talk to you.

He needs to learn the art of giving a woman a complement. Short and thick??? Tactless on his part. You're skinny if you're size 8-10. Let him sweat it out and get back to you hopefully with an apology or a real compliment.

Never heard of 'thick' as a compliment before, if someone called me thick I'd take it as an insult. Growing up if you were called thick, it meant fat, chubby etc.

Clearly I'm not down with the kids.

OP has stated that she is 5 foot 6 - so the "short" comments seem pretty odd and not complimentary

She amended it after to 5'4. I'm 5'4 and I don't feel average height at all - I'm not unusually short but definitely shorter or the same as most women. I get called short fairly often - maybe because I never wear heels so I appear shorter.

Good Morning! Thank you for all your comments .Read them through the night ,couldnt sleep again.
Just to reply to few,sorry I am not replying to all individual comments as they are valid and appreciated.

We talk all the time but if one of us is busy etc we dont but at least we know why. This silence on his part is hurtful and not sure the punishment fits the crime tbh. If I was a bit too much etc I was ready to apologise on Wednesday -the whole "talk" would have taken 5 minutes.I realise he might not be aware of my insecurities and that he didnt mean anything bad (hopefully) and I was ready to tell him that and forget about teh whole thing.But if this is the way he reacts when we have a slight miscommunication issue then I do not like it and will not stand for it. Thats why I am so hurt he cancelled the date. I was sensitive about the comment but was I ready to apologise for being too sensitive.
We have a whole weekend planned together so not sure what will happen.
He texted back last night and only said his daughter was there and she was not well.Nothing else.Fair enough so I left him to it,he was busy. Anyway the ball is in his court now .
I texted him first as I am an adult,I love him and he is (was) worth it. How he treats me from now on will tell me what I need to know.
And he is not "that into me" then I cannot know until he talks to me!