"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Your gut feel (that you were hurt)? Trust it.

" the fact that he has deliberately stonewalled you for almost a week. This is who he really is. And the next time you have a falling out, he will do it to you again to make sure you’re always on the back foot. The ‘silent treatment’ is the ultimate power play and you should always be wary of anyone who uses it. It’s a big red flag. "

THIS. My 'DH' stopped speaking to me at Heathrow, just before a long flight with stopovers. For 24 hours he didn't even look at me. I was so lonely I ended up talking to some gap year kids next to me.

He then blanked me for a week of our supposed holiday of a lifetime. When I confronted him after we got back he said 'you said something that annoyed me at the airport'.

Well, just as @whackitup says, true colours. A few years down the line he cheated and brought OW into our house to play wife when I was away.

That is why your gut told you @Nadia86. You picked up on the disrespect it is not your sensitivity or imagination.

I've been watching your post and feel I need to contribute if that's okay. I agree with whackitupto200. I had a partner like she did and sounds similar to what he's doing to you. He would go silent for days if I said something he disagreed with. It was exhausting. If he's given you the cold shoulder this time he'll do it again and again. It's manipulation and I put up with it for two years. My self esteem was so low it was awful. I finally found the courage and ended it. He couldn't believe it and harassed me for weeks until he met his current partner and I was finally left alone. The relief was immense. I've now have a brilliant DP who wouldn't dream of acting like that.

Good luck OP.

You sound strong. Men like him can wear you down.

If you’re already asking yourself, ‘Maybe I can forgive someone who upset me and then ignored me for five days because I told them I was upset? Yes, maybe I can find that acceptable enough to continue the relationship?’, then perhaps he’s already having an impact on your self esteem.

1. It's a compliment. 2. How can you possibly be thick at your weight and height?

Thank you all so much!!! I think I know the answer...I really appreciate the time you all took to help me out with my silly problems. Ive not decided how to tell him and what exactly but I know I dont want to be with him anymore.

I would just tell him that.

That he treatment of you has changed how you feel and you dont want to be with someone who can do something like that.

He will probably try and give you loads of sob stories to make you feel bad.

But if its changed the way you feel about him, its changed the way you feel about him.

Please - No matter what decision you make (even if you haven’t made a decision at all), take a little bit of power back and tell him that tonight doesn’t suit you (no explanations) and that he can call tomorrow night (or even better, Sunday night.....

Don’t let him get away with thinking that his time is more valuable than yours - ever!

Read the whole thread. Just a hunch here but you had no problems with him up until last week. Do you think he is cooling/maybe met someone else? & deliberately caused upset to create an excuse to back away ? Cowardly I know but it puts the onus on you finishing the relationship etc I really hope I am wrong as you sound an amazing women.

Should of added & you deserve better

@Stresshead123 Who knows anything is possible.Thank you

From a guys point of view if you are going to 'Discuss It' over a dinner that's a cue to get out of there fast, or sod that I would rather be down the pub.

@Nadia86 - I was also with someone who would stonewall, sulk and give me the silent treatment whenever there was anything important to discuss, sometimes disappearing for days and then getting back to me when he felt like it.

It is mental abuse and I'm still recovering from the battering he did to my self esteem.

Like you, while he was ignoring me I was checking my phone every 10 mins and feeling shit about myself that my beloved partner would treat me this way. It happened numerous times until I put a stop to it and dumped him.

So in my experience, if he's done this once, he'll do it again. And without even noticing, you will start to accommodate more of his requests and needs (and put your own on the back burner) so as not to upset him, to avoid this happening again. Next time he says something that's hurtful, you won't even mention it for fear that he'll disappear and sulk for 5 days.

That's what he's trying to teach you by doing this. To "behave yourself". That your feelings don't matter - it's all about him.

I don't know, I just suspect he's shit at dealing with stress/conflict - it fits with the "OCD type' personality you mentioned.

When you wanted to discuss the disagreement further and were scheduling that, as such, I think he thought "fk no, I've already tried my best to explain, this is going to be more of this shit, more arguing - over (to him) something really minor" .. and he didn't want it esp with his daughter then not being well, so he went for "space" and distance.

Problem is, if this is his personality and MO, it doesn't sound particularly compatible with yours,band may well crop up again.

I do still suspect some lack of investment underneath it all as well though.

Even if he isn't intending to "put her in her place" by ignoring her for best part of a week, it has that effect in a relationship. I do think it's a power move whether he intends it to be or not. It changes the dynamic in his favour.

To start with a side note, I am almost 50 and knew the statement was a compliment, though I do have the benefit of having teenage and early 20's kids.

I have read the entire thread, and have a feeling that this didn't actually just pop up out of no where. I suspect that there may be some basic and massive communication incompatibilities that have been glossed over until now. I suspect this isn't actually the first incident of this type where ill-intent is assumed where there was none. Obviously it is always best to be aware of ones partners insecurities and sensitivities, and always do your best to accommodate them, but at the same time, there is a line between accommodating them, and feeling as if you have to walk on eggshells, to defend things said when there was no ill intent, to apologize for things that were not wrong.

After reading the first few posts from the OP, I had to wonder why, after a year together, the initial reaction was one of defensiveness, anger, and accusation assuming negative intent, rather than benefit of the doubt, especially after it was explained. Why is the level of trust still so low? This just seems to be such a disproportionate response all the way around, for this to actually be something that has not been simmering for a while.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if the boyfriend has a very different take on this, and that when they do eventually talk this out, that he may actually break up with her with this just being the final event to make him realize this relationship is just not working for him.

Yes do as Proteinshakers suggests.
It’s possible that he will be mortified about the effect of his behaviour, properly apologise and never do it again.
That might then change how you feel.
Possible, but not likely.

@samyeager Ive explained before why this comment hurt me.And I also admitted to a slight overreaction. And we havent had communication issues.We arent perfect but we had been good together. I look back at certain things he is obsessed about like time spent in the gym itd and how much he always encourages me to exercise even though I do ,a lot,but that never seemed to impress him. Im not trying to pull out of a bag a list of his imperfections,thats not the point.Im just trying to get to the bottom of his recent treatment of me and also to make him understand that Im not afraid to stabd up for myself even if itvusnt anything major as some people suggested.He has had a good year with me,Im not demanding,needy or oversensitive.

It’s possible that he will be mortified about the effect of his behaviour, properly apologise and never do it again

Then why didn’t he do that as soon as he realised OP was upset? Instead he’s ignored her for a week.

Is that what you’d do if you’d upset them accidentally? Play the innocent victim and ignore their texts and stonewall them? I don’t think so.

IME, men who pull this shit and ignore their partner for days on end are not behaving respectfully. Would they be OK if someone did it to them?

Sorry if it sounds cynical, but I think people who do this sort of thing are making a choice to behave disrespectfully and they know it.

OP, would be interesting to hear what he has to say about it if you do talk it through.

@Nadia86 - could it be that rather than overreacting, you are picking up on the fact that he's a bit shallow and very concerned with the appearance of his woman. I imagine that any man who commits the faux pas of calling their OH "short and thick" and then sending photos of other pretty, "thick" women to their OH, will reassure her straight away that she is gorgeous and he didn't realise how his comments were going to land. It takes less than one minute to say that.

Why didn't he?

As someone else mentioned above, this could become a problem if you were ever to become ill, pregnant etc and gain weight.

Personally I'm wondering if he objectifies women a bit and that's what you're picking up on and that's why it upset you.

However, I could totally be projecting here, only you know how you felt and what you were picking up on (or not).

You were ignoring me for days and trying to decide whether to stay with me and all I wanted you to know was that I never heard of that word you used to describe my body I misunderstood you and wanted to clarify why it upset me.I wanted to apologise and move on but instead you chose to cancel on me and left me hanging there for days!!I don't have the time, the patience or the interest to sit around waiting for you to decide on my future, so let me make this easy for you, it's over, goodbye, good luck.
I would like to return your key and collect my things asap.

This is the text I just sent.I want it to be over.

He sounds like a berk and he doesn't seem to bothered. Don't waste anymore time on him.

I have just read this whole thread and i feel for you op

He wants everything to be on his terms doesn’t he? Like a pp said, he’ll have decided to get back in touch so you’ll be thinking of him on your girls’ holiday, i bet he’s shitting himself that you’ll be flirting or something while you’re away

I’d be inclined not to give him the chance to talk to you and be all wheedly and nice again, i’d probably reply by text saying something like how I don’t appreciate sulkers and i’d had chance to think and this wasn’t the relationship i thought it was and ask for my stuff back

What did you actually do that was so bad really? You picked him up on an unfortunate turn of phrase, you didn’t run over his dog or set fire to his house. Look at how differently you both reacted - no, what he initially said wasn’t the crime of the century either, but you were open and honest about how you didn’t like it and why, you opened a dialogue, you didn’t strop off into the sunset. Unlike him. Your approaches to conflict are very different and I don’t think he’d make you happy in the long run.

Ah x posts, good work on the text.

Sorry OP :( But at least you have acted with dignity and self respect.