"You are short and thick"

[Nadia86]

Hi. First time poster here. Need some advice or perspective. I realise people have real problems and this is probably nothing but I am lost and really not sure what to do.
Have been with my boyfriend just over a year .Great relationship ,partnership I would say ,no issues at all. Until this week. We do not live together ,we are happy as we are.
We talk all the time on the phone ,whatsapp as we live in different places ,half an hour away train journey. We see each other 2-3 times a week –again it suits us fine.
Two days ago we were talking about my country of origin on whatsapp and I said my looks indicate where I come from (facial features etc no need for detail here).To which he responded that he didn’t think I was tall enough –he pictured women from my country to be tall and slim and I am “short and thick”! I got annoyed and told him so and was not very chatty with him all day that day but didn’t discuss it any further as I wanted to see him on Wednesday (as we previously planned) to discuss what he said and why I thought it wasn’t nice.
The next day we just had a casual chat on whatsapp as usual and I said to him why his comment was unnecessary and that I couldn’t believe he didn’t get it. He responded with ……a gallery of screen shots of “thick” Instagram models (curvy pretty girls but not skinny ) saying “I stand by what I said –you are not skinny”. To which I replied that I am more than aware of what I look like and that it is not necessary for him to point it out. And then I mentioned about me coming over tonight and said I would like us to have dinner etc and we could discuss it ,I could explain my point of view and just see each other. He told me to give it a miss and that if he is making me so insecure then we both need to give it some thought…. That was yesterday afternoon .Not heard anything since. Spoke to a few friends and decided to give him time.

Wtf????? I am struggling to see where I went wrong here apart from pointing out I didn’t like the comment and that I wanted to explain to him why.
Not sure what the hell this silence from him means. This has never happened before. We are both 35,mature adults who have not had any issues like that before.
My issue is - I am still just as insecure as any other woman is. I am a UK size 8/10,very fit, healthy and attractive (don’t mean to sound in love with myself as that’s not the case). I am awesome! I know I am not tall and slim and I am thick and curvy but I am who I am . I look good. He loves my body and I love his. He is healthy ,fit and we both have the same goals in regards to our health and fitness and we support each other. Not sure why he tried so hard to tell me /prove to me that I am not skinny! To do his stupid instagram research to prove his point as if I didn’t get what he was saying first time around.
And whats worst –I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. Not sure what the hell is going on. Spoke to some friends – different ideas here as what happened-he is in a huff because I was in a huff (lol). He is trying to show me who is the boss and that I am wrong. 3-He knows he did wrong and does not want to admit it. Honestly I am lost. Cant stand this silence.I am pissed off and want to tell him that but will not do it over a text. One friend suggested he is acting like a child and playing games (again it has never happened before). Other friend told me to ignore it. But I am too angry and sad at the same time to leave it like this. What do I do?????

Thanks for kind posts.Was just feeling sorry for myself last night. Im giving him time until tomorrow.

You arent an idiot.

How would you know that he would react like this to a dispute. Everything has been good in the time you were together.

Even if looking back you can see some red flags, you are not an idiot for not seeing them. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

He is the idiot. He is the one that's lost someone amazing and someone who cared for him. You have lost someone that cant handle and sort out dispute.

How many days will that be?

My concern is, if he comes back to you today. Will you be afraid to raise something with him again.

You know my feelings on the original fall out. But, do you want to be with someone you cant raise issues with because he disappears and makes you feel like this for days?

Im sorry but this has red flags all over it.

The original comment is of no relevance.

You called him out on something, he is an arrogant fuck and cannot have his woman call him out so he punishes you by giving the silent treatment and cancelling arrangements.

He actually might want to finish it, if so, this is a cowardly and spiteful way to do it - lucky escape.

However, this reads more like control. You have behaved in a way he doesn't like. He is using this radio silence to let you kniw he will not be questioned- fuck that! He is playing mind games - don't look back.

Either - simply block him on everything and move on or send one more message telling him he is behaving like a spoilt child and it has made you reconsider the relationship, then block and move on.

Im sorry OP you deserve better.

Its will be 5 days since he had cancelled the date on Wednesday.

• here is what could happen -

1.We will meet/talk.Ive learnt some valuable lessons and happy to admit to my mistakes but as he has had plenty of time to reflect etc I would expect the same from him.I will be clear that I will not tolerate silent treatement ever again.As this is our first „big” misunderstanding like this I would not want to break up over this

• @proteinshakesandtears yes you are right about your concerns and Ive been thinking similar . I will not be afraid to speak up again,Im not afraid of him.And I would like him to speak up if he us not happy about something.But I want things sorted like adults and have very little patience for sulking etc.It will require work from us both

Lastly as I have had time to reflect Im actually not sure if worth it anymore ..... Im sad and I love him but really not sure .Feels like something has shifted in our relationship and it just doesnt feel the same.

Im going away in a weeks time with friends for 10 days so I will be fine even if it comes to the worst. We can live without each other. I will get over it.

We also have a short holiday booked shortly after Im back and Im still going to go even if he doesnt lol .

I would like him to get in touch so we can talk it out whatever happens . Im not breaking up over a text! And Im not going to wait forever.

@TheoriginalILEM what you are saying is also very possible. He didnt like me challenging him. He IS being a dick I know. This is why Im not sure it is worth it anymore. Perphaps I need more time to think!

@nadia86 I really feel for you. The pain you’re going through is clear.

All you wanted was some reassurance that he found you attractive and wasn’t insulting you. You didn’t get this and now he has turned it into something that it didn’t need to be.

It’s hard but I would try to start moving on. If he gets in contact and you are happy to move forward then great. However, his behaviour is not normal.

I hope you find some peace. I know exactly how you’re feeling in fact I wonder if we are dating the same person!

@LMou its sad isnt?

@Nadia86 you don’t deserve this. I want you to know that.

Some people think I do!

I think it's moved way past the original conversation now to the fact that he didn't like being challenged at all. If he can't handle that, then he can't handle a real woman. He needs a dolly. Don't be a dolly. Be yourself. You sound great, OP.

thank you @justilou1

Hi OP, sorry for what you are going through. I have just read through for first time and my main observation would be that of you have taken years to accept how you look, you really need to find a partner who is less shallow about looks. He is likely to always have very high expectations about your body and you would stress of ever pregnant and gaining weight, stress if trying to lose baby weight, stress if you got an illness that made you gain weight etc. Whilst physical attraction is obviously very important, looks will fade and body shapes will change and so this should never be the most important thing. I do think this was a misunderstanding but also think his reaction makes him seem far too hard work. Hope you will be ok. The holiday with friends will be just what you need.

@vdbfamily thank you,havent looked at things from this perspective you are soooo right!God so much to consider in regards to this relationship,things Ive never thought of in the last year

Oh please don't let the angry women of MN ruin your relationship.!! Their answer to every single disagreement between a couple is 'he's abusive' 'get rid'

Many men just don't WANT to discuss stuff. Is it really a game changer for you . ? If it is then as a grown adult female you don't HAVE to have a relationship with anyone.. however make this decision for yourself. You say this is a happy relationship with very few problems. Do you really want to end it because he said something stupid and doesn't want to unpick and analyse it until the end of time ?

Yes yes to all the 'abuse' hunters on here.. I know you are going to start wittering on about 'shutting you down ' 'Refusing to discuss this with you' 'not owning his mistakes' .:. I say 'pick your battles' not worth breaking up an otherwise happy relationship about.

@smallereveryday this is why he needs to talk to me! I can keep on guessing,worrying,thinking etc.But I cannot wait forever!

And the „abuse hunters” (what an awful term btw!) are helping me put things into perspective,making me think about stuff I havent considered myself before ,Even if I dont want agree with some things that are said.All comments help!

smallereveryday what a ridiculous post.

Many of us, sided with him over the initial arguement.

Whatever way you want to put it. What he is doing now isnt ok.

Should op just sit around for a week, two weeks, how about a month or 2 waiting for him to come back?

I agree that OP over reacted in the first part. This isnt how adults revolve something. Making the OP feel like shit and upset for days.

I agree with pps that he probably meant it as a compliment, especially if, as you’ve said, he loves your body. But he should’ve just said that straight away when he realised you were offended. Very easy to backtrack, ‘oh my god no, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it like that. I love your body and I just meant you have a beautiful shapely figure, I’ll stop using teenage internet speak’. And that probably would’ve been the end of it. The sulking is the worst part in my opinion.

Op I think only you know if the remark was intentionally critical. The context that you describe doesn’t sound particularly flattering regardless of what ‘thick’ now means. Most men (particularly those hung up on appearance) know that women are sensitive to comments on how we look. We’re constantly exposed to unrealistic images and it does affect our self esteem.
When it’s a comment from someone we love and who we’ve allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with, it is bound to sting.
I don’t think he liked being pulled up on it. So resorted to showing you photos of ‘thick’ girls. I can see why that made it worse!
Maybe you did overreact slightly, I really don’t know. But women are told this bullshit in so many different ways it’s hard not to. Maybe some men don’t realise that.
His behaviour afterwards is a bit crap. Silent treatment and cancelling dates is an overreaction from him too. And he would know this would hurt. So that is definitely deliberate.
You’ve contacted him a few times. Now stop. I know it’s hard and you feel sad, angry etc. But do not chase him now. Think about your dignity. Let him think about it. And he may contact you at some point. But if not at least you’ve remained dignified and left him to it. You’ll feel better for doing it.

He's punishing you for questioning him. The message he's sending is you can't pull him up on it, even if what he says has hurt you. He wants you to say sorry to him. Sorry but this suggests he's a controlling ass, it's all about him and his feelings.

I actually doubt he's intentionally punishing, controlling etc.

He just doesn't do "hassle" and has v low tolerance. That may mean he's not great relationship material or relationship material at all.

I previously pointed out that many separated men can often be very jaded, intolerant and - underneath it all - indifferent. They've ended the previously most important relationship of their life with the mother of their child; anything else is small fry. They've decided relationships and "women" are probably more hassle than they're worth and will enter relationships for companionship and srx, but aren't actually all that invested underneath appearances.

Op said he's a neat freak, controlling about things etc. I just think he's intolerant and perhaps not v invested - which may take a while to come out but always does sooner or later.

He may continue the relationship (if op wishes) but I'd take this as a sign of how he regards it and how invested you should be, op.

OP, he still not in touch?

@smallereveryday

It is a red flag if a grown man (or anyone in a relationship) won't discuss a disagreement and gives silent treatment. You're setting the bar extremely low there for acceptable behaviour.

Hi @Carla1983 ......nothing at all. Its a total mindfuck.Im going crazy here.I need something! Im not going to contact him today. But the next message will be a break up text from me ,possibly as soon as tomorrow.Im exhausted by it all.

@Moralitym1n1. Thank you.Very thought provoking.