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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Other woman of a 18month affair

149 replies

Onimod24 · 20/06/2019 15:36

I met a guy, I knew he had a girlfriend of 3 years at the time but the occasional text I thought meant nothing, we started to get feelings for each other we worked together so went for a drink after a meeting and kissed. We never thought anything would come of this at the time and just enjoyed each other’s friendship and company. About just over a month in we found out the girlfriend was pregnant. We both agreed to stop talking and agreed ‘right person wrong time’. This didn’t happen and we continued to fall in love knowing it was wrong but I was in love and I guess selfish.

He told me he loved me and was going to leave her but wanted to make sure she would be ok. Because I loved him/ stupid I supported every early decision he made to stay with her, so he could be at the birth, make sure the house was ready etc etc. It was painful but my focus has always been the infinitive ending. He made some sacrifices throughout the pregnancy, told her he wasn’t happy, didn’t go away on holiday with her and her family because he needed space to think ( he planned out the perfect breakup)

The baby was born and he found a new love as I expected, I’m 25 who would want to be a step mom to someone else’s child unless they were in love. He still assured me it was me he wanted to be with, always treated me like a princess took me away for 5 days. Made promises.

Every time we got to the next deadline of him leaving another excuse would come up of why he couldn’t leave, we argued, he lied I believed, i waited for the next deadline. And so on.

18 months down the line and the baby is now 9 months old, it’s June. In February he told me he had finically broken up with her but need to continue to live with her to support her financially. Showed me ‘fake proof’. Some lies I have caught out and he’s response is I don’t want to loose you if I tell you the truth I will. The new deadline was May when she went back to work and coming up to May it then changed to July. I was hurt I have tried to call things off plenty of times knowing I don’t deserve to be messed around, how can he love me if he’s doing this etc. Blocked him on every social media. But then started to receive emails. We work together which made it difficult to avoid each other but like the idiot I am I forgave him still having my eyes on the future. He made me so happy I was desperate for that feeling again. He was the person I wanted to marry, do every with my best friend. We spoke all day everyday it was hard to believe she didn’t know about me. He had met my family spend most days with me took me to plays and weekends away. The kindest person which is why I loved him.

They had sold there house he told me it was because they’d broken up her and the baby were moving back with her mom and he would rent somewhere with me, we had arranged some time off to view places and he had been sending me links. I went away last minute and he took the opportunity to go away with her behind my back.
, like most woman I stalked her Facebook and saw a new post quoting ‘ lovely break first as a family of three’ my heart dropped I felt sick. I confronted him he replied with I don’t know what I was thinking I want to be with you. He has always said it’s the baby it’s always you, the baby, you back to the baby never her.

In my rage, pain. Thought process of this is the last time he is hurting me I told her. She had no idea about anything. He hadn’t broke up with her. In his anger he told me he never loved me, he never wanted to be with me and blocked me on everything. It’s been two weeks. He’s lied to his girlfriend about what I meant to him and she has taken him back in less that 6 days. Leaving me absolutely heartbroken. I have to leave my job because I can not bare to face him . The girlfriend is almost gloating on her social media that he chose her. He owes me everything and I feel like I’ve lost my world. It was all lies but I believe his feeling towards me were real. If I hadn’t of seen her Facebook we would still be talking now waiting for the house sale to finalise.. and then what would he of done was everything a lie? Does he truely love her, will they last? Is it all because of the baby? I keep waiting for him to realise and turn up at my door 💔

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 20/06/2019 15:40
Hmm
NoBaggyPants · 20/06/2019 15:40

Well aren't you a gem. Happy to wreck someone else's relationship but still it's all about you.

Grow up.

DramaRamaLlama · 20/06/2019 15:47

I'm going to take this at face value: you're young and he's been an absolute bastard to you.

He doesn't love you. He may have been fond of you, enjoyed your company but he was also in a committed relationship. He's a liar.

Whilst not ideal I'd be inclined to forward the girlfriend some of the messages he's sent you so at least she knows what she's dealing with, but at same time you need to accept it's over.

Don't leave your job though, he's the real twat in this.

It will get easier

EatenByDinosaurs · 20/06/2019 15:50

So... need advice on which colour of Saltwaters to buy? Getting your colours done? Putting Vaseline on your face before bed?
You should really try the last one by the way, I'm quite evangelical about Vaseline these days.

None of those? This is Style and Beauty. Perhaps ask your post to be moved to Relationships, or if you're in possession of a hide like a rhinoceros then AIBU. Vaseline could prob help with the rhino hide too.

Otherwise, you made your bed, now you get to lie in it.

TheCanterburyWhales · 20/06/2019 15:52

Maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships?
It sounds like you'd both be well rid of him tbh.
You knew he was in a relationship, but so did he.
He's never going to make anyone happy.

GoFiguire · 20/06/2019 15:52

What colour are the bedsheets though?

stephstrops · 20/06/2019 15:54

He sounds like an utter shit. You and her sound as stupid as each other and you both should have told him where to go. In future stay away from married/attached men.

Hanab · 20/06/2019 16:00

I am sorry it has happened to you as I would anybody who has had a break up..
HOWEVER
knowing he had a gf/wife you still pursued a relationship with him .. this makes me beyond angry!

How would YOU feel if you were the gf/wife?

Yes he has a major part to play in this but you had a choice to back off 🤷🏻‍♀️ Stay away from married or committed men .. let them first break it off with their OH before you start a relationship with them ...

Ginger1982 · 20/06/2019 16:05

Totally in the wrong section but that minor detail aside....

What a delight you are. You were quite happy to go along with the idea of wrecking his family, even when you knew his wife was pregnant and oblivious. Sorry, but you brought this on yourself. No sympathy here.

Ash39 · 20/06/2019 16:06

I think you've behaved shockingly. You are finally getting your comeuppance for your part in the affair. He's a loser.
You are well rid.

PicsInRed · 20/06/2019 16:10

He didnt "choose" her. He never left her.

You were the shag.

Get some therapy to figure it all out, develop self worth and never fall for that bullshit again.

TryingToCope101 · 20/06/2019 16:11

Ha ha ha you have got just what you deserved. Next time pick someone who is single, just a tip!

And leave his poor girlfriend alone - she isn't "gloating" and has done nothing wrong.

Yellowshirt · 20/06/2019 16:12

I hope you one day understand the hurt you have caused but you won't until it happens to you.

JoMumsnet · 20/06/2019 16:15

We've moved this thread over to our Relationships topic.

Mythreefavouritethings · 20/06/2019 16:24

Ah well, there you go. Long story short, he’s a cheat who deserves to be dumped, but sadly these types always seem to attract someone, you’re little more than a hanger-on. You’ve built a fantasy around a cheating father. It ain’t rocket science, in this scenario I’m afraid you’re pretty cooked. Hope the wife finds out and gets herself a real man who is capable of love and kindness (or by herself if she’d rather). Two fatal mistakes - first, messing with a lowlife man prepared to cheat on his wife; second, luckily for him you were naive enough to believe him and keep hanging on. I’d get comfy if I were you, may be there a while...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2019 16:29

He doesn't love you - and he doesn't love her either. He may or may not love the baby.

She has not 'won', she's saddled with a pig forever now because of the child. You will find happiness again. Don't forsake what you know to be the right thing because ultimately, it's you that will suffer.

The same old posters banging on about what you've done, whilst side-stepping the fact that HE did this. Him. He caused you and her the pain and it wasn't necessary. You're well shot of him, OP.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 20/06/2019 16:31

Yikes! For a start you got played. Massively so, this man doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love his partner either. He’s a selfish piece of shit and frankly so are you!
You knew he had a pregnant gf and still carried on..it’s not a love story. It’s nothing more than a sordid little affair and you were the side piece who fell for the lies.
I suggest you try to move on and raise the bar for yourself.
You’ve both behaved appallingly.

sleepynewmumxo · 20/06/2019 16:32

Why would you want to be with a man with so little morals and integrity? If he can cheat on his pregnant girlfriend, and lead you along for 18 months, he can do the same shitty behaviour with you.

RantyAnty · 20/06/2019 16:35

Well Karma

He is not a nice or kind man. Kind men don't sneak around and cheat on their wives.

You knew he had a wife. You knew she was pregnant too.

You're not a nice person either.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/06/2019 16:36

And?

If you are looking for sympathy, do jog on.

Figure8 · 20/06/2019 16:37

You can't have love without respect
You can't have respect without honesty
So.... no, he didn't truly love you, or her.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/06/2019 16:38

You seem surprised that he lied. You knew from the start that he was lying to his partner, did you think that you were somehow so speshul that he would only ever tell you the purest truth?

Ginger1982 · 20/06/2019 16:42

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe pretty sure she caused some of her own pain by actively perusing this twat knowing he had a family.

Ginger1982 · 20/06/2019 16:42

Pursuing even!

melissasummerfield · 20/06/2019 16:42

Well didn’t you get just what you deserved Biscuit