Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I've been blown away by the book. The amount of times reading it I've gone "Jesus that happened to me"

@LilyRose88 I have to say that I find that comment - "fat old men with dogs who are retired" - a little unnecessary, on many levels and really unkind (I don't fall in to any of those categories btw so it's not like you've hit a nerve). But I'm sure that there are people on this thread who may be on the larger side, are retired or who have dogs (or all of those things).

@midcenturylegs I am sorry if you found my comment unnecessary. It was not intended to offend anybody and I apologise for any offence caused.

I did explain that I don't usually date men with dogs as I have two elderly neurotic cats and it would cause problems, as the dog could never visit my house. I am also generally don't want to date a retired man as I work full-time and I don't think our lifestyles would be compatible. And as for the comment about 'fat' I guess you can call me out on that, but we all have our body preferences, and I am not attracted to obese men. But fair enough, I should be a bit more considerate about what I say one here. I will think a bit more carefully before I press post in future.

MrSAS phoned me this morning to ask how I am. Apart from my mum, he's the only person to have done that.
I know all the reasons I shouldn't have him in my life but it's things like this that make me want him in my life.

@Sunshineandflipflops I think it's obv you have already emotional invested in him and I do hope you don't get hurt. But he has made it very clear what he wants from you.

I would honestly suggest reading the book we mentioned below.

Urgh I am feeling a bit unmotivated today. Just a bit sad and slightly overwhelmed with how busy I am. Have first dates today and tomorrow. Think I'll go to the one today and just make it a quick drink of around an hour and go to the gym after.

Might cancel tomorrow as have decided he is probably good for a ONS but not much more and my AF is threatening.

Have put my profile on hidden and will resist any more swiping for at least a week with a target of two weeks. I need to slow down.

Hope you're ok @ElektraUnchained.

My friend just called me as she could sense I was feeling a bit down on a group WhatsApp we're on and I burst out crying 😢

I'm struggling with watching everyone else's happy, family lives and being the one who is always on my own. My kids are both almost teenagers now and my youngest starts secondary school in September so they are busy in their own worlds.

This isn't where I wanted to be and I am trying so hard to make the best of it but it's hard and it's lonely.

That sucks @Sunshineandflipflops I really struggle to cope with even short periods of feeling lonely.

I'm OK really but still a little wobbly from last Thursdays break up. I should be grateful really as my life is so full but I do need some time to myself. Always feel better after the gym which I haven't had a chance to get to since last Friday.

Sorry to hear you’re down sunshine and elektra

I'm struggling with watching everyone else's happy, family lives and being the one who is always on my own

I hear you. I feel sad (jealous?) whenever I see happy families. I always wonder what they have that makes them special and protected from singledom. I take good care of my appearance, have a decent career, am funny and kind. I see other people with less strong traits enjoying happy relationships and I feel hopeless and confused.

Oh @Sunshineandflipflops it is hard. It's so hard and I look back and think that's why I've probably "accepted" wrong guys.
I've realised through support of good friends that I've been looking for someone to give me validation, To give me something that makes me feel wanted and needed.

I'm learning now, that it's not the right way, so instead of focusing on a finding someone to fill that void. I'm looking for someone to compliment my existing life. And focusing on me but still swiping.

Remember that those supposed happy family lives are not always what they seem either.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling (@Sunshineandflipflops, @ElektraUnchained and @LooUpdate). I think pretty much all of us came to OLD from the position that this isn’t where we planned or wanted to be.

It really isn’t that some people are special and protected from singledom. Some people have been lucky. Others are making the best in less than ideal relationships. Others are downright miserable and would be much better off single but haven’t realised it. Life is not straightforward and rarely goes to bloody plan.

I like to think that the crap I’ve gone through and the definitely not what I’d have planned nature of my life would just make for a far more interesting set of memoirs. 😂

to all those feeling lonely..

I've been "alone" quite a bit of my life. I am the only child of a one parent family, so learned very early on to fend for myself, and turned to things like books and drawing as a means to self entertain.

However, I'd rarely felt lonely - probably due to the above, but having had a serious LTR, I now realise that maybe I WAS lonely, but just didn't realise it...

@Sunshineandflipflops

You’re not the only one, but many people won’t admit it. I spent years being insanely jealous of people who saw their families, I now handle it much better. But that’s only because I finally realised that I wasn’t the problem. I was only with my ex as I had been lumbered (which is how I felt at the time) with a kid, so I got with him to not be alone. Which I know is a really selfish thing to do.

I didn’t at all plan on having a child, or being single with a crap social life at 31, but that’s the hand I have been dealt. Despite that I’m the happiest being me that I have been in a very longtime. That’s because I no longer take and shit and I only do things that I know are right/work for me.

I tell you what @Sunshineandflipflops, I was so lonely in my marriage and I doubt anyone could tell from the outside. Even though I get lonely now, it was nothing compared to that almost bone pain loneliness you get when you're stuck in the wrong relationship. It's so so painful.

I know what you mean about the kids getting older too. One of mine has left home and the other is about to go. I found the shock of my eldest leaving enormous - more than anything else (emotionally) i've been through in years as it was my dc who spoke to me the most. Asked me how my day was etc.

I've made a huge effort to get involved in different friendship groups. I help volunteer at charity events. I've started running (even though I'm crap) and I love it. I am healthier and happier than I've ever been but I do get the loneliness thing totally. It's something you can work out though - think of it that way. You don't need a man to make you not lonely - you can start to build other things in your life that will make your life feel less lonely, they just take time but it's definitely worth doing these before your kids leave home as I found the gaping hole after they leave if you haven't done these things enormous!

Oh I used to lie awake at night crying when in my last LTR, I was so lonely. Awful feeling. I’m alone now but my God I haven’t felt like that since I kicked the nasty little cheating arsewipe out.

Anyway, back on with Mr NHS, few messages exchanged this morning.

This ted talk on why all the things we assume about single people are just wrong is interesting: m.youtube.com/watch?v=lyZysfafOAs

Good luck with MrNHS, @FMFL.

Really enjoyed that TED talk, thanks crust. What it doesn’t cover of course is what so many of us here suffer from, which is that our choices for mastery and purpose have been taken away from us by other people - usually, by no-good exes who leave us with so much sole responsibility for DC. BUT, I’ve found that now the anger and resentment have worn off, and the DC are grown, like Simon I’m happier single, and don’t envy smug marrieds one little tiny bit.

I agree. That academic is a long-term single by choice person (or at least that is how she describes herself). Lots of us (maybe all of us on this thread) got here because our plans to be ‘smug (not) marrieds’ just didn’t plan out for lots of reasons. And the fact that we all chose to do OLD indicates we aren’t entirely delighted with singledom, or at least all aspects of it.

But there are lots of advantages to being single. And the research clearly shows that single people are pretty awesome.

I was widowed, then decided not to tolerate the behaviour of the man I met after that and finished it. It probably took me two years too long to get to that stage, but I'd rather be single than wondering why I felt so exhausted with him all the time (no, not what you lot think!!! 😂). I'm not 100% happy single, but I'm doing more than I did while married as I was expected to run the home and do all the childcare. I'm also no longer being subjected to the narcissistic musings of the ex and the fact he took hours to do anything. I just want to be loved and respected. It IS hard picking up the slack for everybody, especially when family doesn't help. And friends spend time with their other halves or families at weekends. Maybe now a few of us (ie my friends) are approaching the empty nest years, the dynamics will change and we'll spend more quality time together. Who knows? Being single with loads of friends and supportive family is one thing, being single with empty weekends and no company is quite another...

I am lucky to have wonderful family and friends but my friends are all busy with their families at the weekends and it's easy to forget about your single friend, I understand that because I was there myself when I was married.

I think I need some single friends! I guess that's where Mr SAS comes in handy.

I don't feel lonely all the time or even that often, just now and again it hits me I guess.

sunshine you’re bound to feel it more when you’re feeling poorly as well

That was long! 😂

In other news, I sent LilyRose88 a screenshot of Mr Photobomber's latest gem from last night. (It was followed by another request for a date.) To say she was shocked is a bit of an understatement and I swiftly blocked him on WhatsApp and phone. Basically he had photoshopped a huge open smiling mouth (his?) onto a (his?) face, no eyes, no nose with the caption "Who could it be?" Bloody scary having that pop up on the phone. Totally inappropriate and not at all socially aware. With your mate who you know would find it funny, yes. A complete stranger you're trying to impress? No way.