Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Yes, you're completely right I think I just needed my fears confirming and you've all made it so clear! It's so obvious what an arsehole he is and I just let him lead me on, what an idiot I am. I'm not even sure what he actually wants, I think he just likes the chase and to sext with lots of women. His bio portrays him as a completely different person though. At least other men are honest what they want in their bio and I usually avoid them!

@TwoOpenOneClosed ah yeah, I'm sorry to break it to you but there are plenty of men like this in OLD. I'd honestly recommend the book lifegoes suggested 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl'. You can get it for kindle for £3.50. It's well worth it and details all of the seeming contradictions / red flags etc

Also. You're not an idiot, most adult healthy mature people including you will not try to put you at fault in the early days and they dont present themselves as ready for a relationship and then mix signals with someone....they either pursue it or say they're not interested directly. Its confusing behaviour, and not something you would do yourself, so the first time you come across it you end up trying to figure it out and usually come to the conclusion somethings wrong with you. Theres not. Hes the one that isn't adding up

Thanks for all your wise, kind words I'm in tears how lovely you all are and how stupid I am, I really do not feel like the prize I feel such a fool that I got carried away with a bit of male attention just to make me feel wanted.

@TwoOpenOneClosed and it's ok to cry. But this is him not you. This is nothing you have done. I've had my fair share of absolute cockwombles from both OLD and IRL so I've learnt to spot the signs. Yet I still find myself sat going 'well I'll see how it goes' it's a learning curve.

Turn those tears into 'how dare he treat you like this' he's no idea what a wonderful lady you are and you deserve something wonderful. Not some jumped up little prick that thinks it's his god given right to treat women bad, to make him feel like a big man. He's got issues BIG issues and you are too amazing to deal with his shit.

😘

@TwoOpenOneClosed We've all been there. OLD can be a real rollercoaster. I think the key is not get over invested too quickly. If that's something you find very difficult (I did), then try and have a few irons on the go, then if you get dropped it's not such a blow. I'd really recommend watching some Matthew Hussey on YouTube as well - like anything just pick the bits which speak to you.

It definitely isn’t you. You’re not a fool. OLD really is hard.

It’s not for nothing that rule 2 is ‘develop a thick skin’. You really need one.

Similarly rule 6 is important: him being weird (and really not very nice) is about him. It’s not you. It’s them. Always them.

Hugs to everyone who needs them this morning.

Mr Art seems to be messaging me more now that when we were actually dating. Not sure what's going on there. Not flirty messages but quite frequent and always with an 'x' at the end. Considering he's the one who went quiet then didn't argue when I suggested we forget it...

I'm at home today. Feeling better than yesterday but not 100% so going to have some r&r.

MrSAS is probably coming over at the weekend to watch some Glastonbury and chill. I know he's not right for me but it's nice to have someone who enjoys doing what I do and I don't feel any need to impress now.

TwoOpen Not a great first experience of OLD, but having lurked on this thread for a while, is (unfortunately) oh so common..

Despite a bit of a swipefest, I still have no dates, no irons, and no matches... I know you've all said about age not being a barrier, but I have to think me being close to 60 immediately puts me in the "coasting to retirement" pile, when IRL I'm out more than I'm in and am fit for my age (although I can't run very far - arthritis in one hip from a motor accident )

I'm beginning to think an age adjustment downwards on my profile might provide more matches, but then I'd be lying from day one, and that can't be good...

@AverageGuy judging from what I've read from older ladies on here, seems like you have to emphasize how active or social you are if you are nearing 60. Lots of women on here appear to have very full lives so maybe get your profile reviewed by someone in that are group to ensure you are highlighting the right things!

@TwoOpenOneClosed Sorry to hear what you've been going through. I agree with everything others have said - I would think about moving on, deleting msgs etc and starting swiping again. Pretty much the same thing happened to me when I first started out OLD.. i thought I was quite smitten, all I think now about him is "arse".

@AverageGuy I had a date with someone who had 49 on his dating profile but was actually 52. But he'd written his true age on his profile. So no lies apart to the machines 😂Perhaps do that?

@Sunshineandflipflops Mr Art sounds like another ambiguous one that doesn't know his arse from his elbow

@supercali77 Yep. I seem to pick them!
We had the 'let's keep in touch' conversation but I didn't expect this much keeping in touch!

@Sunshineandflipflops It's classic - pull back and watch them come forward. Go forward and watch them be 'busy'. Obvs not all men on OLD are like this but in the 40+ bachelor category they do seem to be rife. So, it's time to get out the goldpan and start sifting hah! :)

Would defo recommend the book suggested earlier by lifegoes, at the very least it lets you know what to expect - because they are massively predictable sorts x

@Sunshineandflipflops do you think MrSAS has decided you're now a FWB (in his own head, sub-consciously, perhaps) and MrArt is trying to do the same? (FW-potential-B)?

twoopen chin up lovely.

lifegoes supercalli just downloaded that book. Thanks

@supercali77 He's not 40 yet! I don't know what's going on really but maybe when he meets someone else it will ease off to an occasional text, which is fine. We did the right thing, no doubting that and I rely to his messages but don't initiate any.

@midcenturylegs I don't want him as a FWB. Happy to just have the F part but that's it. I guess MrSAS has become a FWB and I'm ok with that at this point. If I meet someone I like who is willing to give more than the WB but will have to go. We do have feelings for each other but it's never going to happen and I know that.

average I agree with midcentury as long as you declare age in profile it’s not lying

Yes @AverageGuy.. set your DOB differently on your personal Settings so you increase your likelihood of matches, but be honest about your real age straight away. Unless you look older than your real age that'll be accepted I think. The guy I met did that straight away and explained why. There was no mutual spark between us I fancied him but he not me but we actually have become friends.. But just trying to say, there's no shame in fudging the algorithms.

mid-century Malboro Thanks. I'll have a go. How much younger do you think I should put? 2 years? 5? more?

@AverageGuy I think the suggestion of including the info in your profile rather than inputting it into the app might work. I am in your target age group, but most of the men I seem to attract are just not on the same page as me. I am very active, as in I go running, go to the gym and generally look after myself, and I also work full time. I know that I do not look or dress my age, and I am looking for someone who is reasonably active and looks after themselves.

I agree with Shireena that you should emphasise how active you are in your profile, assuming that you do want to attract someone who is active themselves. And do have someone else review your photos and your profile, as it can be really helpful to get some feedback.

I am not looking for someone who is massively sporty, but I do want someone who has an interesting life and is mobile enough to go out and about with me. I said in an earlier post that I get lots of messages from fat old men with dogs who are retired, and their profile photos are awful. So may get your profile reviewed and put some good photos up, that reflect your outgoing social nature and make you look active.

lilyRose88 Thanks. Sounds like we might match

I'll have a think about how best to make these changes, and do it over the weekend. Re photos - I'm awful at selfies. I need to find a friendly decent photographer to follow me around!

@Sunshineandflipflops As long as you're not arsed yourself (Mr SAS is probably helping with that hah) i'm sure he'll eventually slip off into the Whatsapp night hehe