Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@TwoOpenOneClosed I'm with lifegoes. This should not irritate him to the point of going silent. In any case grown adults are capable of asking with kindness and curiosity e.g. 'I notice you reply with a question often, are you feeling unsure?' Or variations of that. To go quiet and then tell you you do something a lot and leave you feeling insecure/trying to amend your behaviour is just not healthy behaviour

No @TwoOpenOneClosed he isn't a nice man. Sorry but he's not! He's making you question yourself, you think he's giving you the silence treatment because you've answered his question with a question?

I don't know you at all, but I've been in a situation that started out like this. He turned out to be very controlling and manipulative.

No man. NO MAN makes you feel like this, makes you doubt yourself and ALSO gives you the silent treatment because you've done that.
If it was annoying for him, he's said his part you then joke about it.

I get you might want to change slightly. But honestly if it was annoying people would have told you before. Next he'll not like something else.

You are the prize here, he should be making you feel excited and amazing at this stage. Not going in a huff over something so ridiculous. Please you are worth more 😘

👏👏👏👏👏👏

I agree with everyone else, he should not be making you feel bad about yourself and that you need to change.

You’ve met this guy once, and he’s got you questioning yourself and deciding that you need improving already.

I honestly think this is another case of: RUN.

You’re right at the start and trying to work out if you like each other. He should be being really nice and trying to impress you, not informing you of your (supposed) deficiencies.

It’s not that he’s just somehow more honest than everyone else in your life (who’ve never mentioned this). It’s that he’s not very nice.

We could name him MrConfidenceDestroyer for you, if that helps. He can join MrSerialKiller in the reject pile.

I also agree texting all the time is bollocks. If you're on whatsapp....voiceclips are the bomb. Calls are better. Personally that's the tack I prefer. Believe me when I say I've had some ALMIGHTY bust ups over texts misconstrued/twisted etc in OLD. It's so easy to read into them

Yeah I agree @supercali77

I know, I know I hear what you're all saying, you're all so lovely and kind! I just like having some male attention and making me feel wanted and desired again.

And that's so understandable @TwoOpenOneClosed we all do. Honestly every single one of us using OLD or posting on here crave that. It's only natural.

But don't lose who you are in the process and don't seek his validation to make you feel better. You don't need the wrong man, you need the right man ❤️

Well you don't need any man. You WANT the right man I should say.

@twoopen I’m firmly with everyone else on this. This man is giving you attention only when you act in a way he approves of... in the badly paraphrased words of ChumpLady this is a red flag of Communist Day proportions.

Thank you lifegoes he just ticks so many boxes for me, when we met there was definite chemistry, but yes I am aware of a couple of red flags whilst chatting to him. I thought it might be worth meeting up for a second time see how it goes! Well if he wants to that is lol

I need your wisdom please.... met OLD guy for a nice first date, lots of flirty messaging since then, he was keen for a rerun. We agreed to speak on the phone either last night or tonight. Last night he messaged to say he’d had to work late, tonight he’s just gone silent. We had sort of arranged to meet Saturday for a drink. Should I assume he changed his mind? I’ve not messaged him as I don’t want to Look insecure but it just seems like bad manners! Should I just wrap it up there or ask if he wants to meet on Saturday still or what?!

@TwoOpenOneClosed totally understand but desire and attention in exchange for undermined self esteem and second guessing yourself is not a good exchange. Ever. Ever. The man isn't special, another one will give you attention and not go in a mini huff because you asked him a question. Trust us. Have faith. Go for the best

@Supercali77 that last post spoke to me; I’m going to save that because that’s what I need to bear in mind myself. Thank you

Awwww I know how you feel, but you will kick yourself if you don't trust your gut and everyone on here 😘

Let's flip this, you've seen a few red flags with him but is it now in your nature to give him the silence treatment? Are you making him feel bad about this? - chances are you aren't, because you are a lovely person that is trying to see past red flags because you don't know him well enough to make a full firm choice.

Now look at him and compare his behaviour over something that's not even a flag never mind a red flag and he's sat thinking I'll teach her not to do that again. (That's How they operate).

I just want to say, im not wanting to come across nasty at all here and nor am I having a go. I'll be completely honest @TwoOpenOneClosed

I seen your post and I seen myself 7 months ago, telling people "well he has a point" "he doesn't mean it like that" "but he's like my dream man" "he's amazing most the time"

Truth was he was controlling, love bombed me, future faked me. Sat there questioning what I'd done wrong and Reading messages over and over.
The worst part when it ended, that I didnt trust my gut at the start.

My last thing on this, you will do whatever you need to do. But ask yourself this, how he's made you feel today, do you want to feel like this every other day for the next week/month/year.

@supercali77 is totally right.

It can be so tempting to settle for a tiny bit of attention and ignore everything else. But you deserve better. And there are better men out there. Lots of them.

@NotAProperGrownUp For me, second guessing someone based on their lack of messaging is not a helpful approach. There are a million reasons why he couldn't say tonight. Or maybe he just plain forgot. Even if he did forget, maybe he has a pressing issue at hand such as a sick DC. I think asking outright is a better approach tbh. Are you still up for a chat and are you still on for the weekend?

Thank you, thank you all you're all wise women and I know he's wrong on so many levels but he keeps drawing me back in and I can't resist him when he does, he's so addictive! Yes I know how bad it sounds I'm an intelligent woman that should know better!

@TwoOpenOneClosed it might be worth looking back down the thread and finding the posts from those on the smitten bench. Look at how @shitwithsugaron describes the way that MrB makes her feel (for example). Starting a relationship should make you feel great about yourself - just as you are.

@FMFL really glad to hear that. Having done it myself I can tell you the highs are not worth the price of the lows. X

@TwoOpenOneClosed it's not you. It's them, they draw you back in because they can. They know how to play the game.

@supercali77 suggested a great book for me to read and I'd recommend anyone single or in early stages of dating to read it.

Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. It's one of the most insightful books. I was with a what my therapist called a off the scale Narc for months. And this book has still made me go... wow that's so right, wow that happened to me. Yep and that. It's just a great book for reminding you of your worth!

I thought he was off tinder because his location hadn't changed for a few days but I've just been on and his location has changed tonight! I need to wise up I'm always going to be second best and someone to fall back on when he has no one else. I just know he'll send a message at some point though and I'll fall for his charm lol

Take control @TwoOpenOneClosed don't let him back in. You are worth more than this. One date and this is how he's making you feel. Get back on the apps. Go find the man that you deserve

@TwoOpenOneClosed lifegoes is on the money. Get yourself back on the apps. Dont put all your eggs in one basketcase. Also I can tell you from my own bitter experience and watching pals go through the same....the script you just wrote out about chemistry, addiction, you being second best, but still willing to see him again is.....standard for low self esteem. Him being critical is going to hook right into an idea you already have that you're not enough, but if you can mould yourself into a version where he wants you....you'll be ok. Ya gotta get off this ride. I fully expect you dont feel you can because of chemistry, no judgement, I've done the same myself.