Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

If the matches don't lead anywhere, hardly any point to them is there? Look at Mr Smiley. None of them seem to be tripping over themselves to date me! Sorry I'm sounding prickly, I don't with my matches, promise! LilyRose88 has seen screenshots of my latest ones. I've just had a weekend of not really talking to anyone. Played my sport (no social clubhouse at this club!!) but everyone legs it home afterwards to get on with their lives...

Played my sport (no social clubhouse at this club!!) but everyone legs it home afterwards to get on with their lives...

That's what always gets me when people suggest joining clubs to meet people. In almost every case, there is no actual socialising - it's play the sport, go home. No chance to meet people. Or, they are there with the whole family and only mix with other families.

Sorry, I'll go back to lurking again now! Haven't posted in months on the thread as nothing going on. Always amazes me when I see so many people getting so many dates and matches. When I did Tinder I was lucky if I swiped right on one person a week. I only ever had three matches in all that time and two of those supposed women turned out very swiftly to be bots designed to send me to another site.

Welcome to all the newbies 👋

So after hiding my profiles, after my 3 dates with 3 irons in a week led to nothing, i got bored Friday night, unhid and matched with someone I've spent the weekend chatting with and have a date shortly whilst kids are at school 😁

He seems keen and is different to what I would class as my usual type. Hes the top end of my age bracket too (I'm closer to 40 and hes closer to 50) so the oldest I will have ever had a date with. My only reservation though is height. Hes admitted hes an inch shorter than me so I'm expecting that to be at least 3 inches smaller 🤣

Will update later

Good luck with your date neverexpected

@ShatnersWig it surprises me that you have been unlucky as I have seen you on other threads and, like the other guys on this thread, you seem like such a nice, respectful man. (Don't be put off by the word 'nice' there are plenty of women like me who want nice.) I think people generally say it's a numbers game and to swipe on lots of people in order to make a match. i was initially quite selective in who I matched with yet my current boyfriend sent very funny, intelligent messages and I can't keep my hands off him even though I wouldn't have normally gone for someone with his looks.

I always recommend people try meetup groups rather than 'clubs' as membership seems more fluid so less cliquey. I tried my local rambling group a few times and had a few really lovely conversations with both men (married and single) and older single women who had fulfilling lives which I found quite inspiring as a fragile, newly dumped woman. I also went to some random meet ups in pubs that were good fun too. I didn't meet any potential irons (to the extent where I swapped numbers) because Online dating started to take up my spare time but I did meet some nice guys who I would've considered going for a coffee with.

@CrazySnakeLady you sound fabulous, definitely put your pets on! I have never seen another woman's profile but I can imagine they're all similar and yours would be distinctive and interesting.

@shitwithsugaron Match has fake profiles too, I have had some absolutely gorgeous men favourite me who then got removed by Match. I don't get why people do this.

shitwithsugaron They got wise to that I think and are now using more "genuine" looking photos. It was always obvious on POF, Match and Tinder who was genuine and who wasn't (as long as you had a half a brain which a lot of guys seem not to have); these were surprising to learn were fake.

StealthNinjaMum Ah, but don't forget I'm a childfree man, which limits the pool down to a puddle the size of a thimble! I'll occasionally see someone I like the look of, scroll through their photos and up pop some kids, or they have a profile text of "my children are my world" (or variants of). But generally, I just don't seem to find very many people attractive on Tinder. And I don't think I'm stupidly shallow, I'm not after a supermodel. One of my female friends thought I was being ridiculously picky so I passed it over to her and very quickly she went "bloody hell, you weren't wrong; and most of them have either had very hard lives or they are SO lying about their ages - you'd look like you were dating someone a LOT older than you"

@ShatnersWig why won't you date anyone with children? That's your choice of course but will massively reduce your 'pool' of women, depending on your age.

It's very common to see "my children are my world" on men's profiles too. I find it annoying. I would hope that if someone has children that they are their world but surely that goes without saying?! I always mention that I have children but only in the same way I mention that I like music, etc.

Crikey thread's moved quick this w/e. Lots to catch up on, but quiet w/e for me providing hotel and taxi services to a teenager 🤣 Met MissH for a couple of drinks last night, definitely moved past dating into BF/GF territory now, I even offered to trim her hedge for her (not a euphimism for those with filthy minds) this w/e as she hasn't got any hedge trimmers.
Good luck to all those with upcoming dates and to new posters just starting their OLD journey.

I'm with ShatnersWig on the child free front. I've got adult children, but at home still and I've slogged my guts out raising them, even when my husband was around (workaholic) so I really would like someone at a similar life stage who isn't off every other weekend with their children. I don't really want to get integrated into someone else's life where dependent children are concerned. We all have our dealbreakers at the end of the day. Some more major and immovable than others.

Sunshine I'm childfree in the sense I never wanted children and having got to the age of 45 that's not going to change. I have a goddaughter and that's enough for me. I'm aware that it reduces my dating pool to a trickle. I have hobbies and things, I'm not sat at home twiddling thumbs and I can easily make time for someone but I don't want to do the last minute cancellations due to babysitters letting them down, or who can only meet up every other weekend when they don't have the children. If you're a parent, children come first, quite rightly. If you don't have children, your partner is or should be your priority - but if they have kids, you won't ever or rarely be a priority and it can be very unbalanced.

Morning all.
I've had a weekend of ups and downs

On the up side, it was my (deferred) birthday weekend, and I spent a great time with family and friends (and one special lady, but more on that later...)

On the down side, Miss Jo'burg went from banter about what we might chat about on our date tonight, to cancelling, and telling me she wanted to try a relationship with someone she met last week! WTF? Rules 3 , 4 and 6 came in very handy... So I'm down to no irons again

On the very up side, (and I'm expecting to be flamed here...) I recklessly decided to attend a swingers club on Friday... I met a great couple, who kind of took me under their wing, and made me feel very welcome and comfortable. They introduced me to several people, one of whom I became VERY friendly with later on that night... Itch definitely scratched! I may do more of this if the "normal" dating doesn't perk up..

IME Once you have children you’re never ‘childfree’ Again, even when they are full adults: there is always a headspace which they take up, and they have first dibs on your time. I broke that rule a couple of months ago, and bitterly regret it. So I only consider men with DC because they have a hope of understanding what I’m like.

Sunshine how have you left it with MrSAS now, is it done or are you still in touch?
I think you know this already but him showing you that message is incredibly disrespectful and I find it hard to comprehend why he's surprised by your reaction.
Don't get me wrong he's not the only 'player' out there who doesn't want to commit, and as long as he's honest and upfront about it he's doing nothing wrong, but showing you that message after what's gone before almost like a badge of honour is bang out of order imo.

averageguy good for you! No flaming here, consenting adults and all.

I don’t want to date someone with young children either, would rather they didn’t have any or their children were teens or older. It does give me less choice but I would rather be single then get involved with someone with young kids (been there before, done the step parent thing, don’t want to do it again), I also feel I’m at a time of my life where my kids are now teens and I have more freedom so I don’t want to be tied down or deal with a ex. I do find most men my age do have young kids and even a lot of men in their mid 40’s have young children so I am limited.

cassettes thanks! It was fun..

"IME Once you have children you’re never ‘childfree’ Again," So true! I spent several hours yesterday evening trying to fix DD's washing machine...

Morning all,

Welcome newbies. Hopefully our trials, tribulations, wading through shite and finding the odd diamond will give you hope, support and the odd giggle as we all navigate the ghosting, breadcrumbing and general weirdness of OLD.

@lifegoes & @Auba14 hope things are moving in the right direction for you guys

@Sunshineandflipflops Glad you "got your mad up" with MrSAS - revenge is a life well lived. Don't give him anymore brain space - his "WTF?!" response shows just how oblivious he is/was to your feelings.

@Sidge The "L" word????! Can I get a whoop, whoop!

@Neverexpected2 Good luck on your date - what's 3 inches between friends?

@SimonJT Ooooh your FWB is a cutie pie. Re Gogglebox - that Martin Kemp - I sooooooo would.

@AverageGuy Better to get your itch scratched in that kind of arrangement than risk being called a player or user by someone who is looking for something long term. No judging from me at all.

Had a lovely afternoon/evening/morning with MrC. I feel very much like Sidge. It's so easy with him. I don't feel anxious (could be the therapy), or feel the need to second guess/overthink (at the moment). I've definitely got the feels for him, he just looks after me, supports me, listens to my endless moaning and just "gets" me and I hope I do the same for him - we had a lovely moment last night when I said that I was sorry if my messages had got a bit soppy during the week (when I was a bit very pissed and missing him), I didn't want to scare him off. He said I couldn't scare him off by being too soppy because he felt the same. Am meeting his extended family in 2 weeks and he's talking about us arranging a holiday somewhere hot together, although the amount of fucking tossing and turning he did last night because of the heat, flapping the duvet on and off, I might suggest a week in Blackpool

@ShatnersWig I totally get that.
I do have children and Mr Art didn't. I did ask before we even met up why he was looking to date a woman with kids when he could choose not to and he said it didn't bother him but then it turned out it did as he couldn't cope with my lack of availability!

That was the first person I have dated without children and I won't be looking to do it again because having kids comes with less free time and I need someone to understand and respect that. I will never view my kids as 'baggage' and I have plenty of time to make some kind of relationship work with the right person.

@Ant330 Mr SAS and I had a long chat on the phone yesterday and I got a few things off my chest. I'm not making excuses for him but I honestly don't think he knows what he wants. He admitted he has been strong feelings for me and cancelled that date (that he showed me the message from) because he'd had such a great weekend with me at the gig, etc that he felt it wouldn't live up to that. The message was apparently a 'tough love' kind of message so that she would get the hint that he wasn't interested, rather then being kind as she kept trying to come up with solutions. I told him it was still harsh and hurtful for me to see it.

I'm not NC with him but I'm also not closing the door to meeting someone who can offer me more than he can.

average you should hear my 85 year old DF on the subject (DC, not swinging, though I wouldn’t put it past him). When I had my first DD he said ‘she’s beautiful, but you know you’ll never sleep soundly again, don’t you?’ He was right.

Although the guy I have been chatting to on Tinder since last night...let's call him Mr Psych has 4 children...FOUR! The eldest two are a good age (similar to mine) but he then has two younger ones who are 3 and 4 and I'm not sure I want to go there.

On the other hand, we have so much in common in terms of academic backgrounds, interests, etc that I can see us having lots to talk about.

Sunshine did he understand that it upset and angered you and why? I wouldn't be that bothered about him sending the message to someone he doesn't want to date, it was the showing you that was all kinds of wrong.
If he has the capacity to realise what he's done wrong and not do it again, and you're looking after yourself so you don't get hurt again, well then only you can and should decide what's best