Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Yes, I run (although desperately need to find my mojo there) but don't do any other 'hobbies' as such. I don't have all that much child free time so if I fill it up with stuff then i'm never going to have time to date!

Anyway, me and MrSAS have just had a long phone conversation and both said some things that were on our minds and I've had a rebound swipe on the apps, which hasn't worked too well for me previously!

Are you no contact with MrSAS now after the phone call?

Hello,

I need a bit of hand holding here, long term lurked. I have been getting a bit too close to my FWB, regularly seeing each other etc but I have been absolutely terrified about getting close to him so keep having blips where I make excuses to say we are done. Anyway, I posted on another thread that he had been grieving a best friend who he was in love with who died 2 years ago. I realised there were pics around the flat and also on his work desk. It kinda freaked me out even though I had no grounds to, and said to him we shouldn't sleep together because he is clearly grieving and will get hurt. He was upset but said ok if we could stay friends. However he called me out on this whole regular breaking up thing, saying his ex was nothing to do with it, and now I feel really awful. I didn't use her as an excuse, I just thought it was the icing on the cake really as to why we weren't compatible. What do I do now....? I feel like a shitty, messed up person and I don't know why he still wants to be friends with me.

@CassettesAreCool Not exactly. The ball is in my court and I know I should throw it back out but. Well, I'm a twat.

Quick update on date one today. He seems like a nice guy although I'm not sure he is my 'type'. He separated in January from his wife, although the marriage had not been good for quite along time. It is an amicable separation and they still speak. He isn't specifically looking for an LTR but is happy for one to develop if he meets the right person. He seems a bit of a party animal and a bit hyperactive, so he might drive me mad in a relationship, but he has quite a lot of local friends and was keen to see me again. I have agreed to go to see a film with him and will see how things go between us.

Date two is at 7pm and we are meeting at a local bar. He ahs just run a race so has gone home to shower. He texted me when I was with date one, which gave me a good opportunity to say that I needed to go home, as otherwise I think date one was going to invite me to go out with him tonight as he is going on to a local music festival. This multi dating thing is quite tiring!

@Shireena you don't have to stay friends with your FWB if you don't want to, it is entirely your call. If you feel that you were getting too close to him then it might be best to stop contact. It can be difficult to end a relationship of any type, but it sounds like you made the right decision.

@LilyRose88 the thing is I think I do have feelings. I don't think it will ever work out long term but I love spending time together. I'm just terrified that I actually care enough to miss someone when I've been so used to doing things alone and running away from anything potentially intimate.

sunshine I don’t think you’re a twat but I do think you are vulnerable, and twattish men seek out vulnerable women - voila, Mr SAS. Tread carefully.

@Shireena do you think that he has feelings for you too? Is it worth having a very honest conversation with your FWB explaining that you ended things because you were concerned that you might get hurt? Maybe you both need to put your cards on the table. And don't be forced into staying friends with him if you feel that this will cause you more upset. You need to put yourself first.

@LilyRose88 That sounds good, I hope this evenings date goes well too.

@Shireena It’s a tricky one, are you both completely honest with each other and yourselves? I am sometimes painfully honest with my FWB and he is the same, we need to be to make sure we’re both okay and we’re both on the same page. We have been friends for nearly ten years (which makes me feel very old) and exs (no, my life is never simple). So as much as our arrangement works for us, we are very carefully to protect our friendship before our sex life with each other. Personally it doesn’t stop us seeing other people and forming relationships, if it did we would end it.

@SimonJT we were friends for a few months then we ended up with more. There is just no way it could work, we are from different worlds, but we have a fun time together and everything is great. My sensible head says end this but the other part says just enjoy it. I believe he has feelings too, told me early on but I think because he knew I was like a frightened deer, he has played it very cool.

So glad you got rid of MrSAS sunshine

My date from last night was good but I'm not sure if I fancy him. We shared a bed last night, both been drinking, no sex. We went for a dog walk this morning and then had lunch out. All nice but more like friends. Don't know whether to say something now or give it another date.

@Sunshineandflipflops You’re definitely not a twat. But the MrSAS thing so obviously has disaster written all over it. He’ll keep talking you round and playing you more.

He’s made it clear you’re just one of several women he strings along. Is that OK?

Honestly, listen to the whisky shivers song again. And then send him the link (and block him). That’d be my advice.

I’m struggling to communicate effectively with MrSG this weekend. He’s visiting his mother and we’re communicating via messages. But he keeps getting the wrong end of the stick and making assumptions or responding as if I’m being passive aggressive (I’m not). The actual issue is really not dating thread stuff (and may be much more suited to the M(not)IL genre within AIBU 😂) but the problems of (mis)communicating via messages are a perennial theme on here. Messaging really is a bit crap.

Afternoon all...I was on the thread in the early days a LONG time ago under a different name. Met someone, thought I had my happily ever after but sadly over 5 years on we've split up. I'm not rushing to get back into dating, at least in part because I'm hoping there might somehow be a reconciliation. That is a fairly slim hope though.

I've lost a lot of weight in the last year and improved my appearance, got fitter etc. My goal going forward is that if I am going to date anyone they're going to have to be worthy of me (which I hope doesn't sound massively arrogant), in a similar place to me financially and in career/ education, as I've found clashes on those have caused real issues in past relationships. Not sure if anyone has found similar - or had more success setting the bar higher etc?

I'm also not sure about OD again. Although it is how I met my Ex he literally was 1 decent bloke in hundreds if not thousands. The men on there did seem very similar types (or maybe that's just what I attract!) Is anyone on the thread trying ways other than OD to meet people and having any success? I'm not ready to dip my toe yet but thinking about it is a distraction from feeling sad about being dumped.

Sunshine you aren't a twat at all. You've met some fucking arses OLD though 😕

I had a really nice response from the iron I cancelled on. I'd messaged him with a generic "I'm dealing with some stuff and can't date right now, I've come off OKC" etc and he was disappointed but asked if I could keep him in mind when I've sorted myself out. (Definitely, he's intelligent and good looking, swoon)

The thing is, FWB is nice and all, but I'm not sure I want to carry on seeing him for too much longer. I'm so time poor, I need to be choosey. I wonder if I've chosen badly. I haven't even met the other guy!! OLD is confusing.

itsreally sorry to hear your news, but it sounds like when you’re ready you’ll be in a position of strength. I think being ruthless on the compatible financial/education/stage of family thing is a great idea in principle but I for one am finding it hard to put into practice! As for meeting people IRL - pfft! When you work for yourself from home and are a lazy bastard, like me, it just seems impossible.

Thanks Cassettes, I don't know about position of strength.. but I am financially secure, DC are basically adults (and I'm too old now for any more) I do feel better than when I originally started OD back in 2010 (it took a LONG time to meet my Ex), and I think I know what I want. Someone who isn't going to be threatened by me, who will be my equal and who wants to do things for me just because (the latter was missing in my last relationship, he would only do things for me if I had done stuff for him first).

I know the meeting in RL is a vain hope but if there is an alternative I'm keen to try it. I am too senior to meet anyone at work unfortunately, I do run but all the men there are a good 15-20 years older than me. A friend of a friend met her (millionaire) DH in their local pub however she lives in a VERY nice area. Round here the pubs are very much full of manual worker 10+ pints and a couple of lines a night types...moving house to an area with a better local seems a bit extreme though!

A friend of mine haters OLD so had the idea of learning to sail so she could crew and meet a Rich yachtie. Two weeks Of seasickness and being yelled at later, she concluded no man was worth that amount of effort! So back to the hope of eyes meeting in the checkout queue at Tesco for her

Oh @CassettesAreCool, you’ve reminded me of the guy that used to be on this thread that kept going on about finding the first mate for his round the world trip in his dingy yacht. That was not something that enhanced the thread.

I think Mr eyes has ghosted me. A quick good morning gorgeous and enjoy your day at 9am and nothing since,I've had a quick look on pof and he is on.

We txt alot but he has obviously decided not to continue.
I wont txt him as after only two dates I would rather just slink away. It sucks!

crustaceans I thought of him too while I was typing it - what a creep! Funny though.

kerkyra maddening for you. I’ll never understand why people are so rude.

@kerkyra it’s not been that long? I wouldn’t be upset after two dates by someone being online, and he did text you this morning. It’s hard when we feel vulnerable at this stage of dating as it’s all a bit up in the air, but sometimes I think it can make us react in ways that are a bit knee jerk-ish out of self preservation. I’d just text and ask how his day has been/suggest some free times for next time? Nothing to lose :)

I’ve been seeing my guy - I think I called him Mr Pizza, but can’t remember! - for just over a month now. We both deleted Bumble after a week or so, which was quick, but also both acknowledged that there was nothing to lose by doing it. We’d snoozed them anyway. He continues to be lovely. We have a great time together, made some plans and he’s a consistent but not OTT communicator which suits me down to the ground. So, fingers crossed :)

wotcher great update, happy for you 😊

Thanks @CassettesAreCool (PS yes they are) - I really do like him. He is intrinsically kind. It’s all been very chilled but we’ve still seen each other twice a week (we squeezed in a third beach breakfast meet after my night shift one week) and it just feels like it’s really well pitched without any overthinking. Honestly, if it falls apart with him then I’ll be taking a very long break as he’s the first person that I’ve met for ages that I’ve really liked. I had that feeling earlier this year but the dating bit stopped and as we built a friendship I realised that it never would’ve worked so I was actually pretty glad that it stopped when it did. Had a couple of different dating scenarios since then that were not right.

I really, really like Mr P though. He’s clever, funny, bloody amazing and keen to please in bed :) so I’m really happy with where everything is right now. I’m trying to let myself be vulnerable, which is tricky, but my guards are going down and I can tell that there are definite feelings both sides :)