Dating thread 162: (Don't wanna be) All by myself...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Oh Auba,I'm sorry to hear this. I have no words of advice except that you both seemed so happy and in love and it's not always easy to find that.
She seems to be in a bit of a crisis at the moment and perhaps lashing out at you with all her frustrations. If it was me,I would probably stick it out but make it quite clear it isnt fair blaming you and just say you're there for her.
But if you think it all seems too hard work,with the travelling and support you're giving,maybe you think it is time to step back. Someone here will give better advice I'm sure.
I just hope that although she is busy,she gives you support too in your every day life too?

Thank you guys, all of that was wonderful advice. I've got two colleagues at work who I've told - one is our mutual friend. She's said that she has previous form for lashing out at people when the going gets tough.

I think for me, the biggest thing that has hurt is saying the whole 'I love you, I only feel like me when you are here with me and I want you here all of the time'. To then it being like yeah I was only saying this to make you happy, I need to learn to be me still when you aren't here. And that's fair enough, I get that. But there's a way to say it.
The other aspect is that if I text, she seems not to like me, she loves me and I do believe that, but I don't think she likes me as a person. If I don't text her for a half an hour she then messages me talking about random stuff. I had an awards dinner last night and had to leave after two hours as I was constantly on the verge of crying. She's found so many things I thought were great and turned them all into a huge problem for her and that she only did them to keep me happy.
I feel like she's projected her hate of the business onto our relationship and has said some very hurtful words to say to me, and that's where the whole rug being swept under me feeling comes from. It's like someone has taken my favourite person in the world and swapped it for a cruel imitation.

I never once thought this would happen! Not ever. But she also doesn't see what she's done wrong either - everything is my fault, she doesn't see the sacrifices I've made for us. I've gave up my sports to spend time with her and she said now she desperately wants me to disappear off to do them again which was hurtful. I need to not be a walkover, but it's so hard to fall into the trap of being someone I'm not just to be normal us again.

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I'd rather be ranting on here than sending her messages again and winding each other up.

Auba That sounds really tought and agree with Ant330, she's lashing out at the people closest to her. Family businesses are difficult - you don't get any proper downtime, you deal with things out of hours, you're expected to drop everything to pitch in and you get precious little financial reward for it - MrC is in a similar position - it makes planning anything really difficult, coupled with me having DC and set "free" days/nights it makes getting away really hard. We've been together 10 weeks and he's never been to my house...

Can she negotiate a more structured arrangement with her parents so she gets proper days/nights off without being on call? Of course approaching this now will be really difficult if she's telling you it's the relationship that's the problem and not the B & B.

@Ant330 - We can't have a holiday until off-season as they don't have staff to cover during the holiday period. So we've booked to go on holiday in October, something else she was really excited about too! And it's her 30th birthday while we are away and she wanted it with me which I tried to tell her it would be best to be with her family too. And I have a feeling this will be thrown back at me too.

Her parents are trying to help, they're wonderful people and I see them as an extension of my family and they created the most amazing person to me. But I think it's mental and physical exhaustion, I know I'm no angel and my reactions are never the best to things and I have said/done some things wrong. It just didn't deserve this kind of reaction.

Auba Sounds awful.. It's not you, it's the situation, but you are bearing the brunt.

Methinks they didn't realise what they were taking on when they bought the B&B. It all looks so easy from outside, but I know from friends exactly how hard running one can be...

If her parents are so supportive, then I think I might approach them to see if she can get time off sooner than October.. I suspect her mental state will be a lot worse by then..

Auba I'm going to buck the trend here and say I'm a bit worried for you. The way you describe it, you've gone out your way in every single situation and that just cannot continue in a relationship because eventually you will get resentful. Why should you give up your sport? Why should it ALWAYS be you that's compromising?

I think this sounds like a good time to try and redress the balance a bit. I would make sure she know you are there for her but I also think you need to try and make sure you are not getting walked all over here. I don't like the way she is treating you with these messages. It's unfair, especially given the support you have given both her and her family.

I'm with @DaffoDeffo here. I remember you meeting and falling for each other. I think maybe you're giving her so much she knows she can lash out without driving you away. Go back to your sport. Don't give up something you enjoy for someone else. Compromise should be both ways.

Also 4 months feels like a long time but it's very soon to have devoted so much of your life to someone. Her parents are not your family either and it's not your business. It sounds like you're a giver but you may be giving too much too soon.. (from a fellow giver who may be doing similar after only 4 months.....if I can face it I'll post my situation which is not dissimilar but not nearly as intense. Reading a similar situation from a neutral perspective may give you a clearer idea. Or not actually...)

Auba yeah I thought after I posted that I was probably stating the bleeding obvious that you'd have already considered, typical bloke response trying to come up with an answer rather than just sympathising 🙄
I do wonder though how this has affected your feelings towards her, it's never nice to suddenly see an unpleasant side of somebody you didn't think existed.
You're right she's being cruel, and whilst there's a reason it's happening it isn't an excuse.
How do you feel about the future with her or is it too soon to say whilst you're in the middle of it?
I also agree with Daffo, you're making lots of sacrifices which go way beyond the compromise we often have to make for others. To then have it thrown back in your face with her saying she's only said and done things to keep you happy, hmmm...

yes I'm a giver too which is why I recognise it so well!

I also agree with the previous two posters. I know I am a walking disaster in terms of dating advice at the moment but you do seem to be compromising a lot for her, which is fine if it's both ways or at least appreciated, but it doesn't sound like either if these things are true in your case.

In my experience, it's also difficult to get the trust in someone back once it has been damaged, so these hurtful things she is saying to you need to stop before it's too late (if it's not already) and you stop believing anything nice she says about you or your relationship in the future.

in other, predictable news, Mr SAS has messaged saying he wanted to stay over the other night after the gig (he left at about 2am) but he had to get back for his daughter and for work. I told him that I don't think it's a good idea to get used to him staying over again anyway and he said he understands.

He then said we have great chemistry. No shit Sherlock...why do you think I'm in this mess?!

@Auba14 I am so sorry that things have taken such a bad turn in your relationship. I agree with others who have said that it sounds like you have done all the giving in your relationship. Your partner sounds a bit spoiled and entitled to be honest. I am sure that she has a lovely side to her, but often people show their true colours when the going gets tough. I don't think there is ever an excuse for continued meanness in a relationship. I understand that people can sometimes lash out when they are upset, but a decent person would realise what they have done and apologise. You have explained that she is very stressed, and that can make people behave badly, but she seems to be on the extreme of acceptable.

I know that you love her very much, but it is still a newish relationship, and I would think very hard about whether you can continue without a very candid conversation about behaviour and expectations.

@Sunshineandflipflops ah that man needs a shake. He's so into you he's just not able to admit it to you or him. I know that really doesn't help. I would keep swiping. Keep seeing him. Forget about mr art you're not bothered. Mr SAS MAY see sense. He may not, in the meantime you will meet someone else. I'm not a big fan ofmulti-dating/shagging but there are situations where it's a good thing.

Also is he actually dating others? Or just keeping open the possibility in a fear-of-commitment way?

@Sunshineandflipflops Mr SAS is behaving true to form then.

After my dip in mood yesterday I decided to start today on a positive note and I messaged three guys on POF. I now have two dates arranged for Sunday and one pending. It helps that I am working from home today so I don't have to cope with the toxic atmosphere in the office.

I am quite proud of myself as I managed to work closely with the narcissist yesterday in the office and not let her behaviour get to me, even when she tried to undermine me. I was very smiley and nice, even though I was seething inside. My boss keeps telling me to be the bigger person, but it is not easy when you see the narcissist getting special treatment and being allowed to get away with all sorts of things.

@Peanuthedz I don't know. He has dated other women since we stopped dating as we had a bit of a conversation about it at the gig but not sure if there is anyone else on the scene right now. I'm almost too scared to ask because I prefer ignorance (me all over).

I am seeing Mr Art again next week for dinner so will see how I feel after that with regards to him.

@LilyRose88 Well done for brushing yourself off and getting out there with dating. I hope they go well (or at least one of them!).

@Sunshineandflipflops I've no doubt you are a much more attractive prospect to MrSAS now that he has competition in the form of MrArt, and has perhaps realised this multi dating/sowing oats/playing the field (whatever you want to call it) perhaps isn't what he wants after all?

LilyRose your boss sounds like a wimp!
I don't know what type of work you do, but "be the bigger person"???? No, it's not the playground!
If you've got a bad apple in an office/team environment and they aren't willing or able to change then it doesn't matter how good they are at their job, you need to see the bigger picture and the wider impact it can have and get rid before the damage is done! Sorry rant over 🤣

@Ant330 I completely agree with you. My boss is amazing in many respects but they are not good at dealing with difficult staff issues. We are a very small organisation and the narcissist is making the atmosphere toxic for a number of us, but I am the person that is most impacted. They have also fixated on me for some reason and this makes it really difficult for me. One of the reasons they get away with so much is that they have a 'protected characteristic' in terms of discrimination and this makes my boss nervous. They have already obtained a number of concessions and advantages due to this. I came close to handing my notice in last week but my sister rightly talked me out of it.

@LilyRose88 But the equality Act is there to protect EVERYONE and make sure people are treated equally and fairly if they have a protected characteristic, not more favourably to the detriment of others.

I agree, your boss does sound like a wimp. Is there anyone higher you can take it to?

auba I’m sorry you are going through this very painful reversal. I hope it’s just the stress of the situation that is making her behave out of character, and that it’s not her real character showing itself. As someone else said (sort of) you know someone best when the shit hits the fan. Maybe An open and honest text about how her behaviour is making you feel, an assurance of how you have felt about her and a request for a few days space while you consider your options? Then NC for a few days, saying you’ll check in with her (sorry!) after the weekend?

Hi

I have lurked here a little in the past. Split with long term DP in Feb and had a few v casual encounters after. Met a bloke early April who I thought was ace. Deleted Tinder and was quite emotionally invested. He was quite busy and I wanted to see him more but last few weeks it was once a week with irregualar messaging. Yesterday we met for lunch and he said he wasn't feeling it . I kept my dignity and just said that was that then and left friendly. I am gutted though.

Already messaged one of my old FWB who is happy to be back in touch and remade my Tinder profile. Got a date arranged for Sunday.

Might be too soon but I think if I don't get back out there I will just mope and feel rejected.